dealing w/PTSD, expressing emotions, trusting others, being in crisis

[polly87]

Hi,

I am in trouble. My situation has been deteriorating over the past few weeks. I have been in and out of crisis. The memories of my uBPD mother are getting the better of me. I have tried and failed to explain this to my T. She says I am doing fine. What is more, she even said so after I told her about my suicide attempt last weekend. I do not understand why she does not want to help me. I asked my GP for help and he told me the only way to get help is through my T. So I wrote her an email and got no reply. I called my GP again and he told me he had spoken to her and he explained how I come across as a calm person, even though I feel as if my head will explode. My T has never told me so because she does not believe I feel this way when I use only words and not enough emotions.

Apparently I am not able to express my emotions when needed. This was a big eye-opener for me. I understand now why my T has been ignoring my pleas for help – she does not understand how I am feeling. I wonder how much emotion the average person shows when they are upset and asking for help. I have no idea. I was trained by my mother not to show ANY emotion except happiness. Showing any other emotion is still impossible as it ignites an immense fear of rejection, even though I am not aware of a general fear of being rejected by people. My T says she can only treat traumatic memories if I have a “film” of the event in my mind, but I do not have one! I was treated like sh-t by my mother for 25 years so how am I supposed to single out one image of that? I have been trying to tell this to my T but she only stresses that she wants me to single out one image anyway. I have no idea how to reply to that, which is why I wanted to be transferred to a different T, but my current T refuses to help me.

I am wondering how I can discuss these matters with my T, since my GP said this morning that my T is my only way to obtaining more frequent sessions (either with her or with a new T). I find this to be extremely ironic and annoying.     The fact that I do not trust my T leads to my having to rely on my T. Nice one, karma.

Meanwhile my partner and I have taken a time-out from our relationship. He is staying at our home (or at his parents’ place for all I know) and I am staying at my aunt’s. My partner is suffering from an stomach ulcer which is not healing because my situation causes him so much pain. For me, this only confirms the fact that emotions should not be expressed but eliminated quietly without anyone noticing. I have no idea what to do. I do not even know if we will get back together. I do not know where I will sleep next week. The strangest thing is that I do not feel anything anymore. I feel like my heart has stopped feeling but my brain continues to work. Occasionally, I feel extremely sad and it is too much to bear, so I close my heart again. I am still praying every day however and I hope that God will relieve my pain.

I have no idea what to do. I would be really grateful for any words of advice.

[bethanny]

Polly,

Sorry about the pain you are going through. 

Maybe you should call and talk to a helpline at an emotional health agency or the suicide hotline and get suggestions and support for your situation and even a referral for a more compatible and empathetic therapist! I have had some therapists who were good and some real pills during my life so far.  Even the best ones had little understanding at that time of the formidable challenges of a borderline mother and I was very much in denial that mine was one then.  I minimized the crazymaking she caused me but I would have hoped the counselors could have recognized her disorder.  I often passively accept doctors whom I have found instead of giving myself a real choice by visiting more than one and feeling entitled to select the best one. One I feel safe with.

I found that 12 step groups in codependency, alanon, etc., offered me support and an enlightening and mutual group therapy instead of dealing with a counselor/authority figure who often has not walked in our shoes or I am projecting my parent issues on, or maybe she has and is exploring her history vicariously through others and not owning it. They say some counselors are unrecovered codependents. Bill Wilson of AA maintained that the best mentors for recovery were people who were working at recovery themselves. Like on this website.

One of the characteristics of PTSD is psychic numbing.  I read the four main ones are 1) infant time regression (you suddenly feel very young and helpless when threatened), 2) psychic numbing, 3) hypervigilance, 4) survivor guilt. 

I relate to the family mandate to hide any inconvenient emotions. Cultivate a false personality and stifle our real one.

Good luck. Keep posting.

best, bethanny

[polly87]

Thanks a lot for your reply Bethanny. The irony is that I have heard of an organisation which should be able to deal with my kind of issues and which also offers group therapy for emotional trauma and co-dependency, but my current T refuses to give her consent! In the Dutch system, you can only obtain a (new) T when either your GP or your current T writes you a reference letter (I am not sure what it is called in English). Without a reference you are left to your own devices. (When in crisis you can call the GP but they will say “well I am not a T, so I do not really know how to advise you... .”)

I called the emotional health hotline this morning and they advised me to contact the organisation of my current T because there is no other way... .Well, so be it... .I guess karma is playing a dirty trick on me – Polly tries to avoid conflict with uBPD mother so she has to learn how to deal with conflict with her T.

I can relate to your choice to stay with a run of the mill T because you find it hard to speak up for yourself. I have done the same in the first six months with my T; after that I have tried to get a transfer to another T but to no avail. My T was ill for about three months during the winter and I vaguely suspect she has an eating disorder (she is as thin as a rake)... .that would explain why she tends not to focus on my needs, but I cannot be sure of this of course. (I am of course not trying to say that people with an eating disorder are not able to focus on others’ needs, I am only trying to understand my T’s behaviour.)

Like you, I believe that the best therapists are the ones who went through issues similar to the ones their patient is going through... .That is why I find it extremely useful to share experiences with the people on this board. It is truly like a family.

I will try to keep posting in the coming days. Thank you for keeping an eye on me.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly87

I am very sorry that you are going through such a difficult time now. Did anything happen a few weeks ago that might have triggered you? Perhaps the situation with your MIL?

Last weekend was particularly tough for you as you tried to take your own life, did something specifically trigger you that weekend that led you to do this? Was it after what happened then that you and your partner decided to take a time-out or did the time-out happen before that?

Dealing with the memories of an uBPD mother can be quite difficult. Is your therapist aware of the concept of 'emotional flashbacks' in which it's more about triggered memories on an emotional level than an exact "film" of the event?

I too encourage you to keep posting here and I am glad you feel understood here in our new online family

[bethanny]

Dear Polly, limited time to share right now but I got a kick out of this drollness and also respect its wisdom:

Polly tries to avoid conflict with uBPD mother so she has to learn how to deal with conflict with her T.

You are so right.  I feel like everything in front of us is negotiating and engaging with and giving us an opportunity to either shed or increase the "baggage" that slows us up in this life, that blocks us and buries us and that continues on either from our original dysfunctional bondings or the slings and arrows of frequently seductively inviting new ones.

I am trying after so many decades to be "self-possessed". My mother when out of nice mommy mode would suddenly shriek, "Whatever possessed you to do that?"  Or "say that?"  That was worse than me feeling guilty for something I had willfully done.  This was me acting natural and getting such a reaction as if I deserved an instant exorcism.  But to the toxic uBPD mother any inner control and sense of mastery which every child and human being no matter what age needs to have to thrive and evolve was regarded as a dangerous mutiny to her need for my passivity and unconditional accessibility to so presumptuously titsuck from us and control us at the same time, which Scott Peck in People of the Lie calls out as evil. We got caught in a traumatic bond with the most significant people in our lives and working our way out of that is not easy and sends us into new toxic scenarios more than others who did not have our challenged histories.

My parents have passed on, I had moments of recovery and resolution with them especially near the ends of their lives, I wish I and they had had larger capacities for reaching resolution and peace but these were significant.  But I continue on experiencing the seductive and challenging and frustrating and dispiriting scenarios over and over with this dis-ease in others as well as in myself.

You take care of your PRECIOUS self!

To be continued.

Best,

bethanny

[polly87]

Thanks for your responses Kwamina and Bethanny.

By talking with my aunt and my friend N (with whom I will be staying next week) I realised that my MIL triggers me pretty badly because she reminds me of my mother in so many ways. It is not that anything in particular happend with my MIL but the tension inside me had been rising the past months and I had no way of releasing it. When my partner's stomach ulcer turned out to be a lot worse than we had hoped I blamed it on myself - I was making him feel stressed, I was not good enough for him... .That, too, was of course linked to my past. My mother would blame me for any bad situation she was in.

Tension in my mind rose to the highest level and I could not see any way out of the situation. I could not get myself back to reality. I panicked completely and wanted to end my life.

My partner thought that I did not see a future anymore for us and he felt beyond hurt that I wanted to "end our relationship" by attempting to end my life. I was in a flashback though and it was anything but a conscious decision.

Three days after, we decided to take a time-out (July 8). I had a good phone conversation with him yesterday and he said that he still loved me, but both of us needed to work on ourselves a lot and he said there was only a small chance of us ever getting back together again.

My T is now aware of the emotional flashbacks I am having (even though I have been telling her about them for months). She will probably do more EMDR to work on the memories of not being good enough, guilt etc.

Bethanny, like you I was punished for acting naturally. I was punished for simple things like being hungry or needing the bathroom. But I was also made to feel guilty about "making your mummy live in this place where she cannot find a nice job". Ridicuous, but when you have been made to feel less than nothing for years and years, you come to believe the lies. It is our job now as survivors to see what thoughts have been put into our heads by our parents and what thoughts are real. To me it seems best to listen to the heart because only love resides there, while the brain tends to remember the past and its lies.

This week I have been feeling unnerved, anxious and panicky. But I have also begun to accept myself and my past - it is the only way to heal and come to terms with the sexual, emotional and physical abuse I was subjected to by my mother. Trying to feel compassion for most of her aspects as creations of God, I see how I can feel compassion for myself as well. As I told Kwamina, on the walks I take every day, I see bees and greenflies feeding off poisonous hogweed and it reminds me of how I have to feed off the poisonous memories to heal and grow. As people often say, you have to love yourself before you can love another, and I have learned this lesson the hard way now.

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly, thanks for providing us with this update

By talking with my aunt and my friend N (with whom I will be staying next week) I realised that my MIL triggers me pretty badly because she reminds me of my mother in so many ways. It is not that anything in particular happend with my MIL but the tension inside me had been rising the past months and I had no way of releasing it. When my partner's stomach ulcer turned out to be a lot worse than we had hoped I blamed it on myself - I was making him feel stressed, I was not good enough for him... .That, too, was of course linked to my past. My mother would blame me for any bad situation she was in.

Tension in my mind rose to the highest level and I could not see any way out of the situation. I could not get myself back to reality. I panicked completely and wanted to end my life.

My partner thought that I did not see a future anymore for us and he felt beyond hurt that I wanted to "end our relationship" by attempting to end my life. I was in a flashback though and it was anything but a conscious decision.

I am glad you have support from your aunt and your friend as you go through this difficult transitional period. I also find it very positive that you are able to reflect upon what happened and identify all the triggers at play. Perhaps it can help you to take a look at our article about mindfulness. Here's a short excerpt:

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop, from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" - having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - in resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrust, intolerance, confrontational, defeat... .

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

You can read the entire article here: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Three days after, we decided to take a time-out (July 8). I had a good phone conversation with him yesterday and he said that he still loved me, but both of us needed to work on ourselves a lot and he said there was only a small chance of us ever getting back together again.

Using this separation to work on yourself does seem wise. Still, I can also imagine that hearing him say that there's only a small chance of the two of you ever getting back together, might not have been easy for you to here. How did it make you feel hearing that?

My T is now aware of the emotional flashbacks I am having (even though I have been telling her about them for months). She will probably do more EMDR to work on the memories of not being good enough, guilt etc.

I really hope your T will step up her game now and truly take what's going on with you seriously.

This week I have been feeling unnerved, anxious and panicky. But I have also begun to accept myself and my past - it is the only way to heal and come to terms with the sexual, emotional and physical abuse I was subjected to by my mother. Trying to feel compassion for most of her aspects as creations of God, I see how I can feel compassion for myself as well. As I told Kwamina, on the walks I take every day, I see bees and greenflies feeding off poisonous hogweed and it reminds me of how I have to feed off the poisonous memories to heal and grow. As people often say, you have to love yourself before you can love another, and I have learned this lesson the hard way now.

Self-acceptance and self-compassion are indeed very important parts of our healing process. I wish you success and strength on your continued journey towards further healing. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all  

[polly87]

Hi again Kwamina

Thanks for pointing out the article on mindfulness. I think it is a useful technique for me as I find it hard to just observe my thoughts without judging myself. I am also learning to distinguish between my own thoughts and the voice of my mother playing in my head, such as when that voice is saying I am not good enough or that I should not feel that emotion. I think observing the fact that I am having a thought and then observing the fact that it is not my "own" thought are two important clues to obtaining a more positive view of myself.

Using this separation to work on yourself does seem wise. Still, I can also imagine that hearing him say that there's only a small chance of the two of you ever getting back together, might not have been easy for you to here. How did it make you feel hearing that?

I honestly think the only option my partner and I had left was to separate, though I never thought he would come to view our relationship like this. When he told me he hardly saw any future for us, my first reaction was to want to harm myself seriously because I had absolutely no idea how to handle the emotions that were evoked. There is still a small bit of hope left in my heart that we just might get back together after some months or years, but I just can't be certain... .It is hard to describe how it feels when the person you love more than anyone or anything in the world is suddenly snatched away from you by... .PTSD? I want to cry but am afraid I will never stop crying. I am sad beyond words. I tried so hard to convince my T that I needed more help and I only get it when it seems to late, when I have lost so much.

My T is taking me seriously now though. I am getting weekly sessions with her now and I am following two online courses: digital cognitive therapy and a signaling plan (if that's what it's called). The signaling plan is supposed to help me out when I get triggered and/or when I want to harm myself. In the second week of August I will start group T for DBT - I have picked up so many "ants" from my mother that my behaviour shows several BPD traits now.

Besides from T, I am learning a lot from this board and by meditating on (self-)compassion.

Thank you for your encouragement, you are a light in my difficult times.

[Harri]

Polly, that is a lot to be dealing with.  I am so sorry that your situation had to reach this point for your doctor to take you seriously.  Please use all of the resources that are now available to you. 

I want to cry but am afraid I will never stop crying. I am sad beyond words.

Polly, let yourself feel the sadness and allow yourself to cry.  Allow yourself to fall apart.  Please do not take this pain and hurt and turn it against yourself.  You will put yourself back together and be better for it, but you have to go through the trenches first.  You have done so time and time again so do not doubt your strength and courage, which often involve allowing yourself to cry until you can cry no more.   You can cry now, your mother can't hurt you anymore.  You can yell too and she can't hurt you.   

It is hard to describe how it feels when the person you love more than anyone or anything in the world is suddenly snatched away from you by... .PTSD?

Forgive the cliche, but here goes ---> you need to love yourself more than anyone or anything in the world first Polly.  The rest will follow. 

For now, please remember that you are loved and you are important, and you are worth the effort it takes to work this all through.  Feel free to write to me anytime you need to be reminded of that.  I offered you my hand and to walk beside you a while back and I am still here.   

[polly87]

Thank you for your kind words Harri 

It certainly is a lot to be dealing with. I am learning to allow myself to feel the sadness and the whole mix of emotions now. It is interesting to see how sadness comes in waves - one moment I am consumed by grief and it seems as if it will never end, but then it passes and I feel calmer than before. This way of dealing with emotions is new for me. It is as if I am finally breaking free from the chains my mother put me in. She made me meet her needs... .her need of attention, her need of confirmation, her need of quiet... .she had so many needs, I realise now. She did not have the tools to meet her own needs so she used me like an object to satisfy herself. This even included her sexual needs. Horrible woman    When looking back now, I see that I had no-one in the world and I had no way of escaping until I met my partner. It is so sad that my burden became his burden, too. I never meant it to.

I offered you my hand and to walk beside you a while back and I am still here.

Thanks so much for your help Harri. I can't find the words to tell you how much this means to me 

 

[polly87]

Hi,

I'm not feeling okay today. While my partner is on holiday with his family, I am allowed to stay in our old house for a week. Next week my uncle will bring his caravan to a nearby camp site and I will live there until I will have found a new home (which is likely to take several months).

Being alone here is hard, yet I feel like it is beneficial too. I feel closer to my emotions. I am terribly afraid of the coming year and I miss my partner. There are memories on my mind - scenes from my youth (being beaten by mother) and scenes from the past months with my partner (being triggered and treating him poorly). It is hard to deal with them. I feel guilty for my behaviour towards my partner - I realise now that we have been codependent. He used to feel responsible for the state I was in, he thought it was his job and not my T’s to stop me from harming myself, and he used to try and explain about cognitive therapy so that I would learn to deal with my feelings. All to no avail.

But I know and feel now that I am the only one who can help myself. Before, I did not feel entitled to this. I felt worthless because of the way my mother used to treat me. I did not think I had the right to ask for help from my T. This attitude caused my life and my relationship to fall to pieces. The stress this caused paradoxically forced me to demand help urgently.

My T told me this week that it is not sure whether I will be allowed to receive the intensive therapy they promised me. The new T (from the intensive therapy department) will have to see me first and decide whether I check enough boxes – this type of T is aimed at pwBPD and I am supposed to have a number of characteristics of it but not enough to classify as a pwBPD. So there is another uncertainty in my life now.

Meanwhile I find it hard to deal with the time-out with my partner. He has made it clear to me that he does not want any intimate contact with me the coming year or so (which decision I respect and understand completely). Yet he bought me flowers yesterday and he wants to keep in touch through what’s app and the occasional phone call. His messages clearly display affection, he says he still loves me and he signs off with kisses. I really appreciate his kindness and I am kind to him too. But it is just really really hard to see how much we love each other while our personal circumstances do not allow us to have an intimate relationship for the time being.

It is so ironic having to go through such a period because of the baggage my mother burdened me with. She always said to me that my partner and I would not last three years and I cannot express how sick I feel knowing that she was right. But it is now up to me to deal with my baggage and to learn how not to burden my partner with it. Likewise, it is now up to my partner to learn how not to take my baggage and make it his. He seems to be picking up on this theme, acknowledging that trying to fix me will not help me and it will only make him feel worse. I pray for his recovery and my own.

[Kwamina]

Hi Polly

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well today. There has happened so much in your life in a short period of time that I can understand you might have days like this.

There are memories on my mind - scenes from my youth (being beaten by mother) and scenes from the past months with my partner (being triggered and treating him poorly). It is hard to deal with them.

Dealing with these kinds of memories is difficult indeed. How are you able to manage these memories? Have you found/developed (new) ways to cope with them?

I feel guilty for my behaviour towards my partner - I realise now that we have been codependent.

It's unfortunate that things went the way they did. You are now able to identify these dynamics and can start working on them, hopefully this can at least be some consolation to you.

But I know and feel now that I am the only one who can help myself. Before, I did not feel entitled to this. I felt worthless because of the way my mother used to treat me. I did not think I had the right to ask for help from my T. This attitude caused my life and my relationship to fall to pieces. The stress this caused paradoxically forced me to demand help urgently.

These insights sound like significant progress

My T told me this week that it is not sure whether I will be allowed to receive the intensive therapy they promised me. The new T (from the intensive therapy department) will have to see me first and decide whether I check enough boxes – this type of T is aimed at pwBPD and I am supposed to have a number of characteristics of it but not enough to classify as a pwBPD. So there is another uncertainty in my life now.

So the situation with your T is still a bit frustrating unfortunately. Many children of BPD parents find themselves exhibiting certain BPD-traits in their adult lives. What BPD characteristics do they believe/say you have?

Meanwhile I find it hard to deal with the time-out with my partner. He has made it clear to me that he does not want any intimate contact with me the coming year or so (which decision I respect and understand completely). Yet he bought me flowers yesterday and he wants to keep in touch through what’s app and the occasional phone call. His messages clearly display affection, he says he still loves me and he signs off with kisses. I really appreciate his kindness and I am kind to him too. But it is just really really hard to see how much we love each other while our personal circumstances do not allow us to have an intimate relationship for the time being.

Do you perhaps feel that your partner is sending mixed message here?

It is so ironic having to go through such a period because of the baggage my mother burdened me with.

This isn't an easy thing to accept at all. I too find myself struggling with thoughts like this. I hope as you continue to heal you won't be burdened as much anymore and/or that you've grown so strong that the burden doesn't feel as heavy anymore

She always said to me that my partner and I would not last three years and I cannot express how sick I feel knowing that she was right.

That is unpleasant indeed, first having your mother say that and now having this time-out in your relationship. Your mother was projecting though and she was wrong to do so. The reality is that the reason you find yourself struggling is directly related to what your mother did to you. Her treatment of you was very wrong and as a result of all the wrong she did, she for now happens to be right about something. It's a time-out though and who knows what the future may hold. You are working very hard on you now and are able to see many things clearly now which will enable you to heal and grow

But it is now up to me to deal with my baggage and to learn how not to burden my partner with it. Likewise, it is now up to my partner to learn how not to take my baggage and make it his. He seems to be picking up on this theme, acknowledging that trying to fix me will not help me and it will only make him feel worse. I pray for his recovery and my own.

I hope that both of you will be able to use this time to work on healing yourself. Take care polly and I as always encourage you to keep posting here. We are here for you

[Coral]

Polly, as a PTSD sufferer, too, I'm continuing to seek knowledge, witchcraft, therapy, etc., to help me.  The single best book I've ever read is The Irritable Heart by Mac Maclelland.  Her experiences and travels back to life are profound.  Please read it.

[polly87]

Hi again 

Thanks for your replies Kwamina and Coral. That seems like an interesting book Coral, thanks for pointing it out. Can you maybe tell me a bit more about what you gained by reading it?

The self-compassion I am trying so hard to cultivate is helping me to deal with the memories. I am learning only now how to actually feel all those emotions that have been locked up inside me for decades. Each time a memory comes up I try to notice what I feel and to accept this and just wait until it passes. Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes hours until I feel calm again. I am still scared of the worst memories though. The times when my mother tried to break me inside, to change me to something that fit her needs. The hatred in her eyes, the disgusting touch of her fingers.

I am also scared of the bad memories of my relationship. Sometimes I fear that my partner and I will never get back together again. And yes, I feel like he is sending mixed messages... .Though I understand why he does so – I understand why he acts like he does and yet it is so hard. He still calls it a time-out and yet he is encouraging me to find an apartment of my own, which is likely to take months, and that makes me wonder if he ever wants to live with me again. He talks about "if" we ever get together again and not "when"... .

Never having had any control over anything during my childhood makes me terribly afraid of situations like this. My mother would control what I felt, when I could eat, when I could use the bathroom... .Yesterday I remembered how she refused to let my friend in because she was not dressed yet. Now that I am an adult I am still afraid of others screwing up my life and my decisions, even if those others are benign people like my partner. My scared mind wants a date when this is over, a beacon, a lifeline. But there is none. I think karma is f-ing with me again: Polly is afraid of not having control over her life so Polly is left without any control over her life. Thanks, karma. I will try to sort it out.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves exhibiting certain BPD-traits in their adult lives. What BPD characteristics do they believe/say you have?

-   An unstable self-image. When triggered I feel ashamed and worthless.

-   Self-harming behaviour and thoughts of suicide. When badly triggered I feel like there is no way I am going to heal and sometimes I start to think of ending it all.

-   Rapid mood changes. These are related to feelings of failing and losing control.

-   Inappropriate, intense anger. When triggered I feel like I have to attack the other so that I will not be attacked.

-   They are not sure whether I have stress-induced dissociative symptoms.

All of these symptoms are directly related to emotional flashbacks of the emotional and sexual abuse I was subjected to, so in a way they are also related to PTSD, right? I am not sure whether to point this out to the new T (who I will meet next Thursday) because if I do not have enough BPD symptoms they might not allow me into the intensive therapy group.

Take care polly and I as always encourage you to keep posting here. We are here for you   

Thank you so much for your help. Your calmness and understanding help me such a great deal. Thank you   

[Kwamina]

Hi polly

I am still scared of the worst memories though. The times when my mother tried to break me inside, to change me to something that fit her needs. The hatred in her eyes, the disgusting touch of her fingers.

I am also scared of the bad memories of my relationship. Sometimes I fear that my partner and I will never get back together again.

This makes me think of what Pete Walker says about fear:

"Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

How does this sound to you, feeling the fear without reacting to it? Can you identify the exact thoughts that go through your mind when you experience this fear?

Now that I am an adult I am still afraid of others screwing up my life and my decisions, even if those others are benign people like my partner.

This reminds me of another thing Pete Walker says when talking about dealing with the inner critic:

"Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support."

I feel these words relate to what you said about benign people and being afraid that they might negatively influence your life and decisions.

All of these symptoms are directly related to emotional flashbacks of the emotional and sexual abuse I was subjected to, so in a way they are also related to PTSD, right? I am not sure whether to point this out to the new T (who I will meet next Thursday) because if I do not have enough BPD symptoms they might not allow me into the intensive therapy group.

Though I'm the board parrot, I can't diagnose you but I agree with you that these issues could also very well be related to PTSD. I've quoted Pete Walker twice here and he has written a lot about complex PTSD and emotional flashback management.

Many children of BPD parents (including me) find themselves struggling in their adult life with BPD-like traits. Sometimes it may turn out that it's actual BPD, other times it are behaviors we learned from our BPD parent and/or coping mechanisms that we developed as a child to survive the hostile environment we had to live in.

I remember from your previous posts that you worried being like your mother. This too is something not uncommon in children of BPD parents. How did it make you feel when they said they believe you might have BPD? Regardless of the official diagnosis you get, the fact that you acknowledge your issues and actively try to work on them already sets you very much apart from your mother

As I learn more about BPD and become more adept at mindfulness practice, I've noticed that I'm also able to look back at past events mindfully as if I'm an observer and find myself noticing more and more BPD-like behaviors I learned/copied from my mother. And also more and more coping mechanisms that might have served me well as a child but are not so helpful as an adult. Particularly these last couple of weeks I've been noticing more and more as I scan my memories for my own behavior. An unsettling and confronting experience as I now see things I didn't see before and realize my own contribution to the dysfunction. Fortunately these learned behaviors and developed coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work

[polly87]

Hi again Mr Uplifting Parrot 

Over the past few weeks I have tried to feel the fear and see what happens. Often, behind the fear there is a huge amount of sadness and regret. Sadness because of the abuse I experienced and regret because of the way things went in my relationship. Sometimes it takes hours until I feel calm again but I am learning to give myself time.

"Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support."

This is exactly what I tried and I failed utterly. Each and every time I got triggered, I mixed up past and present and I mistook my partner for the abuser. Despite my frantic efforts to cling to the truth, I could not manage to see my partner as peaceful and supportive. Today I realised that this might have something to do with the fact that he would not leave me alone when I got triggered - he would stay with me despite me demanding to be left alone. The shame I felt and that was sparked by the flashback would not let me  share my feelings with him so in order not to make things worse I tried to leave the situation each time. And each time he would not let me leave. I treated him so badly. It is like I have two PTSDs now, one from the distant past and one from the horrible scenes from my relationship. I think I’m rambling a bit but those quotations from Pete Walker are spot on.

I have read a couple of books on parents with BPD and I have concluded that I have a number of the characteristics, so when my T mentioned it I was not surprised. In a way I kind of want to be diagnosed – I want to get the right treatment for whatever it is I have and if that means getting the BPD label I do not mind. A guilty part of me wants to get the label so that it can say to me: I was right all the time, you are a bad person just like your mother. A scared part of me does not want the label at all because the intensive therapy may result in a year-long separation from my partner.

Today he texted me to ask how I was and if I had heard anything from the housing association about a possible new home. I am still shaken and scared by the new situation. It makes me feel very low today. I miss him and I miss seeing him happy on the long walks we used to take.

As I learn more about BPD and become more adept at mindfulness practice, I've noticed that I'm also able to look back at past events mindfully as if I'm an observer and find myself noticing more and more BPD-like behaviors I learned/copied from my mother. And also more and more coping mechanisms that might have served me well as a child but are not so helpful as an adult. Particularly these last couple of weeks I've been noticing more and more as I scan my memories for my own behavior. An unsettling and confronting experience as I now see things I didn't see before and realize my own contribution to the dysfunction.

I am glad you are making such great progress lately. What behaviours did you copy from your mother? Did it take you a long time to be able to look at your behaviour mindfully / with compassion? And is it hard for you to find new coping mechanisms that are helpful now that you are safe? And does dysfunction refer to your FOO? I hope you don’t mind all my questions

Fortunately these learned behaviors and developed coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work

Thank you for this uplifting piece of blue bird wisdom

[Coral]

Polly, The Irritable Heart has helped me to see patterns in my own life. She articulates what I am feeling.  Several months ago, I asked my husband to read it.  He still hasn't finished it.  He said it was really helping him understand what I'm experiencing... .but apparently not enough to finish it.

[polly87]

Thanks for your reply Coral. I am looking for patterns that are not serving me or my situation so that book may be an interesting read for me too. It sounds like you feel that your husband is not interested enough in your issues, or am I wrong there?

Today I received Codependent No More in my mailbox and I think my partner will benefit from reading it, but I can already tell he is not going to finish it 

Today I got a letter from the municipality approving the social assistance, which was a relief to me. Maybe that is why I am feeling relatively calm now. I went on another long walk and I reflected on the mechanisms at play in my mind and heart. I was able to distinguish between the voice of my mind/ego and the voice of my “wise mind” or soul or whatever it is called. My mind/ego is focused on wanting, achieving, planning, obtaining security, being in control. This is partly the nature of the mind and partly conditioned behaviour because I could never be certain of anything in my life as a child. The “wise mind” focuses on relaxing in the moment, and trusting that things will work out okay. It is hard to hear the voice of the wise mind over the constant chatter of the mind/ego. By meditation and mindfulness I am practicing to see when my mind/ego is talking to me again. I then try to feel compassion for myself which makes it easier to listen to the wise mind again and notice that its truths are more comforting in the long term than the temporary solutions of the mind/ego. I have a long way to go though... .

[Kwamina]

Today I got a letter from the municipality approving the social assistance, which was a relief to me. Maybe that is why I am feeling relatively calm now.

That's great news polly!

I am glad you are making such great progress lately. What behaviours did you copy from your mother? Did it take you a long time to be able to look at your behaviour mindfully / with compassion? And is it hard for you to find new coping mechanisms that are helpful now that you are safe? And does dysfunction refer to your FOO? I hope you don’t mind all my questions

Three things I've been seeing very clearly these last couple of weeks when I look back at my life are 'splitting/all-or-nothing thinking', 'mind reading' and 'the need for approval'. Mind reading in the sense that I not only thought people were thinking negatively about me, but actually accepted these thoughts as facts and forgot that they were just thoughts/assumptions. It's amazing as I look back to see the extent of the all-or-nothing thinking. As a result of being raised in a certain environment I actually thought this was the way the world worked, that there were only two options, either all-good or all-bad. The need for approval is something that made me vulnerable to others, especially if they would apply fear, obligation or guilt.

The dysfunction refers to all my interactions, not just in my FOO, but also in school, at work etc. Learning all the skills here such as boundaries, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. has really also helped me in my professional life. I've for instance worked with someone with strong narcissistic traits who uses FOG to intimidate and manipulate and when I realized that, I started applying the techniques I learned here on him and it worked! Turns out he wasn't that tough after all and that his communication skills are actually astonishingly poorly developed. I totally dismantled him using D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and all the underlying techniques. So after all these years I can actually say that in some ways being raised in a BPD environment, has given me a competitive advantage in my professional life as a result of all the coping and communication skills I've acquired

[Harri]

Polly, as I read your posts I feel such joy and hope for you.  I know that sounds crazy right (?) (!)because this is such a sad and difficult time for you.  I am not ignoring that at all, I just see that you have the insight to understand and the willingness and ability to look within that is so necessary to heal and learn better ways of coping.   I also see strength and humor in your words.  These characteristics are a part of you.  A wonderful lovely part of you that somehow managed to survive in spite of and separate from your mother.  She had no part in making these particular aspects of you... .it is all you, and I think your character and spirit is beautiful.

I am relieved for you that you will be receiving social assistance.  I know how much that helps at least in terms of reducing the stress.  I am unsure whether i should be hoping you get the label of BPD so you will get the intensive therapy or get the label of c-PTSD which I think would merit the same sort of intensive therapy.  What's the most important thing about labels though?  They can be easily removed and changed.   

In terms of your relationship, I think it is good to look at your part in the dynamics but take it slow.  It is too easy at this point to take all of the responsibility for the problems.  From where I sit, it seems to me that your partner had an equal role.  The fact is, you both had/have a disordered FOO and you both have unhealthy behaviors.  It was the same with my ex and while I am still working things out years later (because I assumed all of the blame and responsibility) I eventually came to think of our issues as interlocking wounds.  So be cautious looking at this part as I know you tend to turn things inward.  The mixed messages he is giving must, I imagine, be confusing and hurt.  Take this time as an opportunity to focus on you.  See it as a time where you will learn just how strong you already are and a time where you will learn better tools to use in terms of how you live your life. 

Take care my dear friend. 

[polly87]

Hi again Kwamina and Harri 

Kwamina, I have been there as well with the all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading and the need for approval. When I thought that people would not like me, I would feel unlovable. It did not matter who it was – be it my partner, my MIL or just someone in the street staring at me. Because of the way I was brought up, I thought the world worked that way: I was convinced that people saw me as either all-good or all-bad. I realise just now how this has screwed up my relationship as well: when triggered, I thought the only way I could be seen was as all-bad. I thought that other people’s opinions were the truth and it did not matter what I thought of myself (not that I felt anything positive about myself anyway). Like you Kwamina I was susceptible to FOG, and I could not distinguish between obligation and choice (especially with my inlaws). I am glad to hear that having been raised in a BPD environment has given you advantages in dealing with narcissistic people. It is good to know that there actually is a positive side to all this complicated stuff.

Polly, as I read your posts I feel such joy and hope for you.  I know that sounds crazy right (?) (!)because this is such a sad and difficult time for you.  I am not ignoring that at all, I just see that you have the insight to understand and the willingness and ability to look within that is so necessary to heal and learn better ways of coping.   I also see strength and humor in your words.  These characteristics are a part of you.  A wonderful lovely part of you that somehow managed to survive in spite of and separate from your mother.  She had no part in making these particular aspects of you... .it is all you, and I think your character and spirit is beautiful.

Thank you for your encouragement Harri 

It does not sound crazy that you feel hope for me, I think I understand what you mean. I have been at rock bottom so the only way is up now, right? I am more than willing to look within and to change myself for the better now. My current situation continues to remind me of the necessity of developing compassion for myself and beginning to heal from the abuse.

A couple of days ago I had the intake session with the new T and she told me that the only way of being allowed into the intensive therapy was when I was diagnosed with BPD and not c-PTSD (they do not do c-PTSD at my mental health organisation), after which she went through the characteristics of BPD. I am still not really sure what is meant by dissociative episodes but I think I have experienced them at times (when extremely stressed I do not feel anything anymore), so that makes me a pwBPD now... . ah, the irony. Still, as you point out Harri, it is just a label and labels are never completely accurate to describe a person. And I think it is really good news that I am allowed into the intensive therapy now.

On good news – I have found an apartment! I cannot believe it is true. On August 21st I will get the key and I will probably move in there that weekend. Having all these things happen so soon makes me feel kind of weird – glad but also apprehensive. I am afraid of having to have all my meals alone and having no one to share my evenings with, so I went to the animal shelter yesterday to look for a dog. It made me reflect on my need to take care of someone or something – as a caretaker I feel needed, important and lovable. Still, the fact that I have issues with this is not going to prevent me from relieving my loneliness a little with a pet.

In terms of your relationship, I think it is good to look at your part in the dynamics but take it slow.  It is too easy at this point to take all of the responsibility for the problems.  From where I sit, it seems to me that your partner had an equal role. 

It seems to me too that my partner and I had an equal role in what went wrong... .Each of us could have done something about it. Sometimes I feel like it should have been me, that I should have tried harder, but I could not at that point... .I was unable to see that I had the right to insist on more help from T. And sometimes I feel like it does not matter who did what – that both of us were responsible and that either one of us should have called a helpline when I got suicidal thoughts. I can see now that it was not fair how it was my partner’s task to talk or force me out of harming myself and he told me he can see this too now.

His mixed messages are confusing – it is strange to have him ask with whom I will be staying and whether I have been allowed into intensive therapy yet not to talk about how he is feeling or about our feelings for each other. Besides other things, this gives me an excellent opportunity to practice radical acceptance – accept that he is choosing to stay with his parents (he is scared to be alone with his feelings), accept he does not want to phone me, accept he does not want to see me, accept he does not tell whether he ever wants to see me again let alone live with me. It often brings me to tears and then I try to accept the sadness and the powerlessness over the current status of my relationship with him.

See it as a time where you will learn just how strong you already are and a time where you will learn better tools to use in terms of how you live your life.

I do see it like this, like a sabbatical during which I am learning to cope with my past and my present and to practice acceptance and self-compassion. It is at the same time really tough yet necessary and the ambiguity of this is also something I am trying to accept.

[Harri]

   Polly, that is a lot of really great news!

When I read about the BPD diagnosis, the first thing that popped into my head is "That's okay.  They can be wrong.  We don't mind as long as she gets the help she needs".  LOL  No, I am not encouraging you to deny the diagnosis or anything like that, it just made me laugh.  Remember, it would be abnormal to grow up the way you did and not have issues.  We are not machines, thankfully.

On good news – I have found an apartment! I cannot believe it is true. On August 21st I will get the key and I will probably move in there that weekend. Having all these things happen so soon makes me feel kind of weird – glad but also apprehensive. I am afraid of having to have all my meals alone and having no one to share my evenings with, so I went to the animal shelter yesterday to look for a dog. It made me reflect on my need to take care of someone or something – as a caretaker I feel needed, important and lovable. Still, the fact that I have issues with this is not going to prevent me from relieving my loneliness a little with a pet.

That really is excellent news!  If you have never been alone before, I can see how you would be apprehensive and I think getting a pet is a wonderful idea.  Have you found one to take home yet?

I can see now that it was not fair how it was my partner’s task to talk or force me out of harming myself and he told me he can see this too now.

I agree.  It is not fair when we rely too much on another to rescue or fix us and it is not fair to you that he thought it was his place and that he had the knowledge and skill to try.  And I will leave that bit there for now.  I feel a new thread on being a rescuee/rescuer coming on.   

Have you given any thought to asking him to stop contacting you and saying you will contact him when you have news you want to share?  Radical acceptance is good for the things you can not change, but you can take steps to empower yourself and set limits too.   It is another aspect of self care and self compassion.     This may not fit with your needs right now or even ever, so leave it if your wise mind tells you otherwise.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly87

Great news that you have found an apartment! BPD is indeed just a label, it doesn't define you. What defines you is your actions, your commitment and efforts to work on yourself I hope the therapy you'll be getting now will further help you heal.

Harri has said it all already so I'm only gonna add this:

"We never know how high we are  

 Till we are called to rise;  

And then, if we are true to plan,  

 Our statures touch the skies" -- Emily Dickinson

Both of you have gone through certain struggles lately in which the strength of your character has really been tested and in spite of everything, you both have responded with resilience

I am very glad to have the two of you with us here  

[polly87]

Hi 

When I read about the BPD diagnosis, the first thing that popped into my head is "That's okay.  They can be wrong.  We don't mind as long as she gets the help she needs".  LOL  No, I am not encouraging you to deny the diagnosis or anything like that, it just made me laugh.  Remember, it would be abnormal to grow up the way you did and not have issues.  We are not machines, thankfully.

Haha thanks Harri. You and Kwamina are right, it does not matter what label they have put on me as long as I get the help I need now. I thought it was funny too - it is so ironic!

I have already found a dog to take home he is called Zorro and likes cuddling and long walks, so we have shared interests

I am going to pick him up after I have moved into my new home next Saturday.

I feel a new thread on being a rescuee/rescuer coming on.

You are a clever one Harri. Though I did not see its importance at first, I think this issue is next in the long line of things I need to work on. I visited my grandmother and step-grandfather yesterday and they told me that they had codepencency issues in the past and I was surprised to hear that! My grandmother had PTSD from the war and apparently my step-grandfather was codependent. The fact that they are still together after a couple of decades is really hopeful.

I have thought about asking my partner to stop contacting me, but something deep down tells me that this would only hurt him and it would not make me feel better. I have thought about our way of staying in touch and the way he treats me now: each message shows how much he cares for me and that he wants me to get better. This may sound wrong but I feel there is hope for us yet. Who knows how things will work out after a year?

Both of you have gone through certain struggles lately in which the strength of your character has really been tested and in spite of everything, you both have responded with resilience 

I am very glad to have the two of you with us here

Thanks for your encouragement Kwamina. I am determined to get out of this alive and well and with a dog to boot