1st Week of NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Celebrating being at peace with the distance today. Last summer when I was contemplating breaking up with her, it felt like my guts were being ripped out for a month as I tried to get myself to cut it off. No such feeling now. Her absence is a huge weight lifted.

Last week, as I was trying to get into NC, she called me 6x in one day and was texting saying she had something really important. I ignored it until the next day as I needed to break the cycle of always being there for her. I responded with an email and sure enough, her issue was nothing she couldn't solve on her own, something about needing forms, not an emergency by any means. She was just trying to loop me in to her drama still to see if I'd keep enabling her. After that, she wrote saying she was going to start therapy. I wrote an encouraging note back as my final communication.

The next day she wrote me supposed details of her therapy session essentially saying her abandonment issues lead her to seek attention from other men who weren't as stable as me because they needed her more than me and she needs to be needed. She felt that made sense and I didn't need her enough according to her "therapist". My fault. Ahem.

I could've written a novel back, but i realized there was just no point. I was being baited. And I'd bet my life she didn't actually go to a therapist. If she did, she certainly isn't walking in and laying out reality. She's not saying "Hi, I'm a pathological liar. I cheated multiple times with stable and unstable men alike. I am violent with my fists and anything I can get my hands on. The cops cuffed me multiple times for it this year. I chased my bf with a knife. I threaten suicide continually to him and I steal money." No. Any therapist is going to get the sweet smiley charming Vogue model I fell in love with. They're not going to see the monster laying beneath.

That leads me to so many questions for those of you who were around when your partners owned up to having a real behavioral problem and were willing to do the work to confront it. How'd you get them to own up to it? I failed on that front, I'll own up to that. And I feel bad I didn't get her to that point for the next guy on the hook. She was very honest about her horrible history of abandonment and abuse as a child which are certainly flags, but I wish I had been able to get her to the point of also being able to be open about her behavior as an adult. I expressed as much to her, but it went no where.

Anyways, one week down. Most important, being successful getting away.

Stay strong

[confusedinny]

Celebrating being at peace with the distance today. Last summer when I was contemplating breaking up with her, it felt like my guts were being ripped out for a month as I tried to get myself to cut it off. No such feeling now. Her absence is a huge weight lifted.

Last week, as I was trying to get into NC, she called me 6x in one day and was texting saying she had something really important. I ignored it until the next day as I needed to break the cycle of always being there for her. I responded with an email and sure enough, her issue was nothing she couldn't solve on her own, something about needing forms, not an emergency by any means. She was just trying to loop me in to her drama still to see if I'd keep enabling her. After that, she wrote saying she was going to start therapy. I wrote an encouraging note back as my final communication.

The next day she wrote me supposed details of her therapy session essentially saying her abandonment issues lead her to seek attention from other men who weren't as stable as me because they needed her more than me and she needs to be needed. She felt that made sense and I didn't need her enough according to her "therapist". My fault. Ahem.

I could've written a novel back, but i realized there was just no point. I was being baited. And I'd bet my life she didn't actually go to a therapist. If she did, she certainly isn't walking in and laying out reality. She's not saying "Hi, I'm a pathological liar. I cheated multiple times with stable and unstable men alike. I am violent with my fists and anything I can get my hands on. The cops cuffed me multiple times for it this year. I chased my bf with a knife. I threaten suicide continually to him and I steal money." No. Any therapist is going to get the sweet smiley charming Vogue model I fell in love with. They're not going to see the monster laying beneath.

That leads me to so many questions for those of you who were around when your partners owned up to having a real behavioral problem and were willing to do the work to confront it. How'd you get them to own up to it? I failed on that front, I'll own up to that. And I feel bad I didn't get her to that point for the next guy on the hook. She was very honest about her horrible history of abandonment and abuse as a child which are certainly flags, but I wish I had been able to get her to the point of also being able to be open about her behavior as an adult. I expressed as much to her, but it went no where.

Anyways, one week down. Most important, being successful getting away.

Stay strong

[SummerStorm]

Celebrating being at peace with the distance today. Last summer when I was contemplating breaking up with her, it felt like my guts were being ripped out for a month as I tried to get myself to cut it off. No such feeling now. Her absence is a huge weight lifted.

That leads me to so many questions for those of you who were around when your partners owned up to having a real behavioral problem and were willing to do the work to confront it. How'd you get them to own up to it? I failed on that front, I'll own up to that. And I feel bad I didn't get her to that point for the next guy on the hook. She was very honest about her horrible history of abandonment and abuse as a child which are certainly flags, but I wish I had been able to get her to the point of also being able to be open about her behavior as an adult. I expressed as much to her, but it went no where.

I'm glad to hear that you feel a weight has been lifted. 

I can sort of answer your question.  I was around when my former friend BPD was diagnosed with BPD.  She tried to commit suicide and was sent to the behavioral care unit (basically, the psych ward) of the hospital.  She called me from the hospital and told me that she had been diagnosed with BPD.  When I went to visit her, I told her that everything made so much more sense, and that everything I read matched her perfectly.  That was the last time I actually saw her.

When she got out of the hospital, I texted her a few days later and asked if her new medication seemed to be making a difference.  She told me it was, but I also know that she raged out on her boyfriend a week or so after that.   

Regardless, this is the same song and dance she's done for years.  She had been going to a psychiatrist, to deal with the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and the nightmares she had because of it.  She told me once that she would go in, sit down, tell him that she was still having nightmares, get a new prescription for sleeping pills, and then leave. 

Before being diagnosed with BPD, she thought she had bi-polar disorder, but I'm pretty sure that was self-diagnosed because she wasn't on medication for it.  Three years ago, when she tried to commit suicide, she told everyone she wanted to get better.  That never happened.  Three months ago, she started cutting again and told me and her boyfriend that she wanted to get better.  A few days later, it was like nothing had happened.  A month ago, when she called me from the hospital, she told me she wanted to get better.  I doubt that will ever happen.  She can't commit to anything; she's not going to commit to going to therapy and actually working on getting better. 

If I had to guess, she's been downplaying her diagnosis.  Whenever I mentioned it to her boyfriend, he ignored me or tried to come up with some other explanation for her behaviors.  When she cut me out of her life, he asked, "Is it because she associates something bad in the recent past with you?"  I replied, "No.  There is no reason.  It's just the way it is."  He didn't seem to understand this at all. 

pwBPD don't accept responsibility for their actions, so it doesn't matter how hard you had tried.  She was never going to own up to the things she's done as an adult.  Mine would very willingly talk all about the terrible things that happened to her when she was a child, but as soon as she got to her teen years, every story she told me ended with someone else being at fault.  I'm sure I'm being blamed right now for doing something awful to end our friendship.  Even her boyfriend, who had been so sympathetic and helpful for weeks, has stopped replying to me.  She basically has no one besides her boyfriend and her family, and I don't know any of them, so as long as she doesn't spread her poisonous lies about me to anyone else, I really don't care.     

[rotiroti]

I could've written a novel back, but i realized there was just no point.

Only a week out and you already feel this? Way to go man! I remember learning about BPD and thinking, 'wait, if i just argue back this is going to be a 10000000x worse!'

As for moments of clarity, only she can help herself. Mine had moments after I had left, but it was too late. Plus these moments only last a day or two.

Stay strong

[SummerStorm]

As for moments of clarity, only she can help herself. Mine had moments after I had left, but it was too late. Plus these moments only last a day or two.

Yes, like everything else in a pwBPD's life, these moments of clarity are very short-lived.  Less than a week after telling me she wanted to get better, mine cut me out of her life completely.  Not exactly a good first step towards getting better and changing her behaviors.   

[healingslowly12]

I can sort of answer your question.  I was around when my former friend BPD was diagnosed with BPD.  She tried to commit suicide and was sent to the behavioral care unit (basically, the psych ward) of the hospital.  She called me from the hospital and told me that she had been diagnosed with BPD.  When I went to visit her, I told her that everything made so much more sense, and that everything I read matched her perfectly.  That was the last time I actually saw her.

When she got out of the hospital, I texted her a few days later and asked if her new medication seemed to be making a difference.  She told me it was, but I also know that she raged out on her boyfriend a week or so after that.  

Regardless, this is the same song and dance she's done for years.  

Before being diagnosed with BPD, she thought she had bi-polar disorder, but I'm pretty sure that was self-diagnosed because she wasn't on medication for it.  Three years ago, when she tried to commit suicide, she told everyone she wanted to get better.  That never happened.  Three months ago, she started cutting again and told me and her boyfriend that she wanted to get better.  A few days later, it was like nothing had happened.  A month ago, when she called me from the hospital, she told me she wanted to get better.  I doubt that will ever happen.  She can't commit to anything; she's not going to commit to going to therapy and actually working on getting better.  

If I had to guess, she's been downplaying her diagnosis.  Whenever I mentioned it to her boyfriend, he ignored me or tried to come up with some other explanation for her behaviors.  When she cut me out of her life, he asked, "Is it because she associates something bad in the recent past with you?"  I replied, "No.  There is no reason.  It's just the way it is."  He didn't seem to understand this at all.  

pwBPD don't accept responsibility for their actions, so it doesn't matter how hard you had tried.  She was never going to own up to the things she's done as an adult.  Mine would very willingly talk all about the terrible things that happened to her when she was a child, but as soon as she got to her teen years, every story she told me ended with someone else being at fault.  I'm sure I'm being blamed right now for doing something awful to end our friendship.  Even her boyfriend, who had been so sympathetic and helpful for weeks, has stopped replying to me.  She basically has no one besides her boyfriend and her family, and I don't know any of them, so as long as she doesn't spread her poisonous lies about me to anyone else, I really don't care.    

Wow they really do all have the same song and dance don't they?  What a revelation to realize this.  This board has been so helpful to me.  Yes, I'm still going through waves of emotion but to see other people dealing with the EXACT SAME BEHAVIORS confirms I am not the one at fault.

[confusedinny]

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, this board is incredibly helpful. I recall last year when I first started reading it how my mind was blown that everyone's behaviors sounded EXACTLY like her. It was both sad and affirming.

I was just reading in another thread about how you fall in love with them because they are just mirroring you. Thats a hard thing to face... but I recall how she would alter her voice when speaking with others on the phone, doing exactly that, trying to be just like them or who she thought they would like perhaps. And recently when she was doing job interviews by phone, she did them all with a fake British exact. It was bizarre. She's foreign and has an interesting accent to begin with and I thought it was ridiculous. I tried to boost her confidence with her own accent, but it wasn't that she was insecure with her accent, she just had no idea who the hell she was as a person underneath it.

[rotiroti]

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, this board is incredibly helpful. I recall last year when I first started reading it how my mind was blown that everyone's behaviors sounded EXACTLY like her. It was both sad and affirming.

I was just reading in another thread about how you fall in love with them because they are just mirroring you. Thats a hard thing to face... but I recall how she would alter her voice when speaking with others on the phone, doing exactly that, trying to be just like them or who she thought they would like perhaps. And recently when she was doing job interviews by phone, she did them all with a fake British exact. It was bizarre. She's foreign and has an interesting accent to begin with and I thought it was ridiculous. I tried to boost her confidence with her own accent, but it wasn't that she was insecure with her accent, she just had no idea who the hell she was as a person underneath it.

Well you could view it as, they mirror the best parts of you... .traits that they think can save them from their inner pain.

and you should know the love they feel is sincere, it's just that it's not very deep. This forum will echo that time and time again.

[SummerStorm]

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, this board is incredibly helpful. I recall last year when I first started reading it how my mind was blown that everyone's behaviors sounded EXACTLY like her. It was both sad and affirming.

I was just reading in another thread about how you fall in love with them because they are just mirroring you. Thats a hard thing to face... but I recall how she would alter her voice when speaking with others on the phone, doing exactly that, trying to be just like them or who she thought they would like perhaps. And recently when she was doing job interviews by phone, she did them all with a fake British exact. It was bizarre. She's foreign and has an interesting accent to begin with and I thought it was ridiculous. I tried to boost her confidence with her own accent, but it wasn't that she was insecure with her accent, she just had no idea who the hell she was as a person underneath it.

I have a "phone voice" that all of my students make fun of.  In class, I'm sarcastic and witty and try to speak to them like they are actual humans.  My "phone voice" is more serious and professional, especially when talking to my boss.   It's not so much me acting how I think she wants me to act, but rather me knowing that I should speak differently to my boss than I do to a room of 14 year olds.  Generally speaking, Nons understand this concept of slightly adjusting our speech to fit the situation.  When I'm at home on the farm, I sometimes slip into "country hick" speak and use words like "ain't."  I teach English, and I definitely don't do that in the classroom.  But at the end of the day, we have a pretty standard, "dominant" way of speaking that has been with us for a long time.  People who have known me for a long time could listen to an audio recording of twenty different people saying the same thing and could pick my voice out.     

But for a pwBPD, it has everything to do with acting and speaking like other people because they think that it will make people like them.  When my former friend took a romantic interest in me and was love-bombing me, she quickly developed a new way of speaking to me that mirrored my way of speaking to her.  At first, it was all, "I want to f%$# you" and "You're so sexy."  She soon realized that I'm a romantic at heart, and I once told her that she was precious to me, so her earlier phrases turned into, "I want to make love to you," "I love you, baby girl," and "You're so adorable/beautiful/cute/sweet."  She would also change her voice and make it really "cutesy" and a bit childish.  That actually annoyed me because I don't find that attractive at all, but I think, in her mind, she saw that voice as "sweet and innocent," which is how she always described me.