Dealing with their character assasinations

[Ceruleanblue]

What and or how, do you deal with what pwBPD projects onto you, or the incorrect view they have of you? I'm struggling with this now. BPDh seems to frequently(more often than not) take anything I do or say, and put his own super negative spin on it. Good things I do get ascribed a bad motive, or things I say get twisted to mean the exact opposite. It's maddening. He is always looking to paint me in a negative light. He's the exact and total opposite with his dysfunctional kids(three of the four are super mean and controlling, and have tried to break up our marriage). I think that's why it's so hard for me to take. I get to see him defend, ascribe pure motive to outright abusive behaviors they have, and he just loves them like the do no wrong. With me, he's always looking for wrong, and invents it when it's not there.

How do you deal with what you know isn't true? It's hard not to defend, but defending really does no good. He believes what he wants, and even when he acknowledges the truth, it doesn't change his negative views. Does he have to paint me black to make himself feel good? That is how it seems.

I feel he doesn't love ME, because he doesn't see or know the real me. He only knows the ugly version of me in his head, and how sick is that? I don't even get judged on my actions. I could deal with being judged by my actions, but he judges me by his inner dialogue or what he thinks my motive was, or what he thinks my inner thoughts are. He judges, and he assumes. Both of which he's already had many lessons about in DBT.

For a while he was applying his DBT lessons, but it feels now like he's learning new things there, and he has forgotten you don't just cast aside what you've previously learned. His anger is better, but his reasoning and judging is just as bad. He does not understand that feelings aren't always based on FACTS. I've told him my feelings might change on certain things if he explains or I get clarification, that circumstances affect how I feel. With him, his initial feeling never changes, no matter what he later learns. It's just sad.

I'm sick of being judged so harshly. I'm sick of him not seeing who I really am. I'm sick of his negativity when I'm struggling still myself. Things are better, but he's taken a downward slant recently. I'm the last to know everything, and is it asking too much for him to ask me before he makes plans? He doesn't think he needs to be a team player, obviously. It's like his disorder gives him the right to be discourteous and do whatever he wants.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Here is the short list of things he likes to say about me:

Petty

Mean

Frustrating

After his money

Dumb

Childish

Needy

Liar (I don't lie to him)

Insecure

Controlling (that's an ironic one)

Aggravating

Stubborn

[DreamerGirl]

Ceruleanblue, I really understand how this feels. 

I also feel so frustrated by being judged by my BPDbf's false perception of me.

His projections onto me are mind boggling, to say the least.

Every trait he has, he has tried to project onto me, saying that is how I am.  The put downs are very tiring and do make me feel angry. 

I used to try to defend myself, and who I am, so he would see the real me, not the ME he has imagined in his mind.

A couple of weeks ago, he was complaining to me, about my issues, my selfishness etc.!  So I said him, why do you want to be with me then, if you have to keep putting up with me causing you so much hurt pain and bewilderment (that's his words).  He said, because I love you even though you are brain F***ed.   

He believes his version of me, and always will.  No matter what I do or say, so I just try my hardest to roll with it, and tune out what he's saying, because I know it's not who I am.

Ceruleanblue I love your list.

My list from him :

Frustrating

B___

Selfish

Controlling - the word NO is not allowed to pass my lips to him, but has occasionally, so I am controlling.

Fridge - I never say no to sex, I learned that very early on, but if he thinks I am slightly rejecting him, that's the word he 'sarcastically' calls me.  I used to react, I don't now.

Impatient - well, he wears my patience out, no wonder ! No seriously, I work in a field which requires massive patience, so I don't thing so, but he does.

Dumb - said in a loving way but I know it's his opinion or maybe it's a putdown, but still I wish he would acknowledge who I really am.

Mind Fu**ed - this one hurts.

Secretive - he is the one with the secret life!  I am transparent.

Stubborn - I can be

Delicate - at times, no more than most average ppl though.

There's more to my list, but that's how he sees me, or what he says to me. 

Ceruleanblue I don't think we can ever change how they see us.  If you don't like yourself, then it's very hard to like someone else.

[formflier]

 

So... .I see two options...

He can get better... and stop saying these things... .

You can stop listening...


Either way you  will be exposed to less negativity.

Which one do you think will have a better chance of success?

Anyone think of other options?

FF

[lovergirl88]

Ceruleanblue, I feel for you... but unfortunately that's just the way it is with BPD...

My list (of his labels for me, when he gets into his dark moods and i am the enemy ):

dumb

stupid

dont u think u are asking a really dumb/stupid question? even my friends think so. (this really really hurts and makes me feel worthless)

whiny

criticizing

demanding

selfish

naive

when he sees me as the angel of light:

wifey

best wifey ever

you're god's gift to me

you're the best thing that ever happened to me

... .

As what DreamerGirl said:

"He believes his version of me, and always will.  No matter what I do or say, so I just try my hardest to roll with it, and tune out what he's saying, because I know it's not who I am."

For myself, i've been with my BPDbf for almost 10 years. I'm passed the stage of defending myself, because i know that is useless and is not going to work, and i'd probably be wasting my breath and my time anyway.

What i do to cope, is to tune out, leave the place physically if possible, or put him on block, and spend some time to do something else that makes me feel better. about MYSELF As soon as i can, i contact my network of friends/family and perform a reality check with them. I will tell them some of the things he paints me to be (how he character assasinates me), and ask them for their frank opinion, if i am really what he paints me to be. Most of the time (90%), they tell me that that is not the person i am, and then i feel more self-assured that he is just spouting off again and that yes i can believe myself that i am not the person that he makes me think i am. And i feel better about myself. And then it doesn't really bother me so much anymore when he continues ranting because i would know that it is not true. It helps to have friends/family who really know u well so that they can remind u of the good person u are, not what the BPD thinks of u in his mind. of course, if it is really something u have done wrong, a good friend/family member would also be able to tell u frankly that hey look there is a nugget of truth in what the BPD said about u, and perhaps that is something u need to work on. But other than that, yeah most of the time the BPD is just ranting on and thinking/judging what he thinks of u.

I know it still sucks, that u can't get the BPD to change his perception of you; but it really doesnt matter what the BPD thinks of u, if u and along with your family/friends know the truth about you 

although it might be wise to let the BPD husband/bf know that u are leaving (whether physically or blocking on phone) not because u want to abandon him, but because u just need to protect yourself because what he is saying is really hurting you. Let him know he is entitled to what he wants to think of you, but that u are not obliged to accept that as the absolute truth, and u are entitled to your own views as well... .

[SurfNTurf]

This post was timely for me today, and it really helped to read everyones experiences. I am sorry so many of us are in the same situation, but it does help to see we are not alone and our unfortunate experiences are similar.

I am an RN; I sit on our city's hospital ethics committee (a position that is by invitation only). A couple months ago, my MRDD relative had his 3rd case of bedbugs in3 years at his living facility. Our hospital refers to that facility. I reported the facility to public health. Because this is my husbands brother, my husb got mad at me bc i "violated spousal privacy". Ya whatever. The place had bugs and needed fixing.

I am often told by my uBPDhusbthat "i would tell you about something but you cant respect spousal privacy." I heard that 3 times over this weekend, two more times than usual bc i didnt take bait the first time. If i really were so untrustworthy, no one would have appointed me to our hospital ethics committee. That doesnt make it any less hurtful to hear, tho.

It all comes back to taking care of yourself, because they cant care for you.

[OffRoad]

How do you deal with what you know isn't true? It's hard not to defend, but defending really does no good. He believes what he wants, and even when he acknowledges the truth, it doesn't change his negative views.

If it is disrespectful, I do it this way: "Stop! (I hold up my hand) I will not be called names. *or* I have not done *whatever*. If you continue with this behavior, I am going to leave the room, leave the house, go outside, whatever." and if he doesn't stop, I do exactly that. If you allow your pwBPD to treat you with disrespect, they will continue to do so.

Sometimes if I am being called a name, but it is just a reaction to something, I will say " And I will defend to the death your right to think that!" because I still know it isn't true, but I can't stop what he thinks.

If I disagree with something my H says, I say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I have a different perception of that interaction. You are entitled you your perception, but I am also entitled to mine. I will not argue about this because it is just opinions and perceptions. Is there anything I can clarify for you?" I have also been known to tell my H "If you want to argue, it will have to be with yourself." and I leave the room.

If I think he misconstrued something I said, I say "That sounds like you think I've said something negative. Let me rephrase... ." and them I explain it a different way. This one doesn't always work.

Does he have to paint me black to make himself feel good? That is how it seems.

Sometimes, yes. More often, he's just feeling crappy about himself and hears things in a negative way because of it.

The best thing you can do is get right with yourself. Know who you are, that what you H says about you is not REALLY about you, and that 99.3% of anything he says that is negative about you is him saying that about how he feels about himself. Once you can get past the fact that he doesn't really think that about you, but about himself, it gets a lot easier.