NC and birthdays

[lavalove]

How do you guys deal with going NC on pwBPDs birthday? It is so hard, and I am so sad

[Turkish]

Are you sad more because you feel like it is normal to contact your pwBPD on their birthday, or that you don't get birthday wishes on yours?

[lavalove]

Contacting for their birthday. I guess it's just new for me to not automatically forget all the bad stuff and wish her a happy birthday because I care about her. I just don't want to send a message that all of it can be erased so easily.

[CeliaBea]

Hi Lavalove,

I broke off contact with my mother, who probably suffers from BPD (and possibly narcissistic personality disorder and munchhausen syndrome) four years ago. By default, contact with my father broke off then, too. I never had much of a relationship with him, anyway: when I was a child, he was quite a bully and could be downright scary and abusive, emotionally and physically. My mother badmouthed him a lot and enlisted me as her "ally" against him… you can imagine how that turned out. We had occasional, superficial contact when I moved away, but for the most part, he was content if "mom tells me what you two talked about on the phone." So the little bit of contact we had was tightly controlled by her.

Anyway, he turned eighty this year, and I felt like sending him a card—just a simple greeting. A happy birthday wish. I wanted to wish him well. I didn't send it though, because I felt that it would be a confusing message. I'm glad that we have no contact; he's never had much to do with me, anyway. Also, my mother would be furious if I sent him a card; she'd probably consider him as disloyal and start suspecting him of secretly talking to me, behind her back…

I fully understand that you are sad and wonder about birthdays. I think it's important to clarify for yourself what you want and what makes sense in your situation. If you write a bday card and there's a response from your parent—how will you deal with it? Where does this wish acknowledge brays come from? Are you still hoping things could be better? if so, is that a realistic hope? These are the questions I asked myself before deciding not to send that card.

Celia

[HappyChappy]

Contacting for their birthday. I guess it's just new for me to not automatically forget all the bad stuff and wish her a happy birthday because I care about her. I just don't want to send a message that all of it can be erased so easily.

I've been NC for several brithdays now. If your BPD is  pathological then don’t worry about them forgetting, they will always remember that it is your fault. And they won’t change when you link back up. We must change. Which is why I still send the BPD a card and she doesn’t return the favour. I’m keeping my options open, because if we ever do link back up, I will have strong unmoveable boundaries that ensure her rubbish of old, makes no ground. Who cares what they remember, so long as we remember. If sending a card makes you feel better, then send it. But do it for you and not for the BPD. But don’t expect your BPD to make you feel better, that’s never been their job.  

[Meadowslark]

I've been wondering about this too. Next month will be my dBPDsis' birthday and I've been NC with her for 7 months now. I don't want to send her birthday wishes because she doesn't deserve that kindness, but the FOG is thick sometimes.

Thank you CeliaBea, for your suggestion. What would we want if they did contact us? How would we deal with it? Is there realistic hope?

Those questions helped me reach my answer. Thank you.