Met uBPDxgf today...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, my uBPDxfg was in a psych ward for ~3 months. She's now been moved to some special needs apartment. I met her today. She's gained lots of weight. ~40 pounds maybe. Because of this, she now has striae (stretchmarks) all over her stomach region.

She's a wreck. She tried to be seductive and gave me compliments. It feels unreal. It's like she's a machine just saying things that the situation requires her to say. She feels completely hollow. Like a shell with a computer inside. There's no person there. It's really scary. Everything she's ever said, she's also said the opposite of. I'm handsome. I'm ugly. I'm perfect. I'm the worst human being on the planet. Etc etc etc.

I saw some video of Sam Vakning on YouTube. Although he was talking about NPD, BPD seems close enough. He basically described NPDs as bodies without souls. This is very much in line with my experience.

Can you relate to this? Feeling that the pwBPD is more like a machine or AI than a human being? I'm not saying this to dehumanize her - I try to respect her (although I really can't, to be honest). But the way she communicates is always driven by some agenda. It's horrible.

[LonelyChild]

So, my uBPDxfg was in a psych ward for ~3 months. She's now been moved to some special needs apartment. I met her today. She's gained lots of weight. ~40 pounds maybe. Because of this, she now has striae (stretchmarks) all over her stomach region.

She's a wreck. She tried to be seductive and gave me compliments. It feels unreal. It's like she's a machine just saying things that the situation requires her to say. She feels completely hollow. Like a shell with a computer inside. There's no person there. It's really scary. Everything she's ever said, she's also said the opposite of. I'm handsome. I'm ugly. I'm perfect. I'm the worst human being on the planet. Etc etc etc.

I saw some video of Sam Vakning on YouTube. Although he was talking about NPD, BPD seems close enough. He basically described NPDs as bodies without souls. This is very much in line with my experience.

Can you relate to this? Feeling that the pwBPD is more like a machine or AI than a human being? I'm not saying this to dehumanize her - I try to respect her (although I really can't, to be honest). But the way she communicates is always driven by some agenda. It's horrible.

[Sunfl0wer]

This all sounds pretty sad Lonelychild!  Even to witness it seems sad.

I think it will be easy to find others who will be able to relate that their ex partners have appeared as a soulless, hollow machine.  

The challenge would be to explore your own feelings about her state.  If it were me, I think I would feel pain to see someone I love transform this way.  I'd feel pain over her and the direction of her life for herself.  I'd feel pain for myself for feeling I could have rescued her but felt like I had failed.

How are you feeling about her "transformation?"

What are the things you get out of this r/s that you are in?

[myself]

Is she on meds? That could be causing it/adding to it.

How different is she now compared with before?

More importantly, how different are you now?

[LonelyChild]

The challenge would be to explore your own feelings about her state.  If it were me, I think I would feel pain to see someone I love transform this way.  I'd feel pain over her and the direction of her life for herself.  I'd feel pain for myself for feeling I could have rescued her but felt like I had failed.

How are you feeling about her "transformation?"

What are the things you get out of this r/s that you are in?

I feel obligation. I feel like I can't abandon anyone in this state. She has no one else. I think the pain is over now. I've accepted it, and the fact that her condition will probably only get worse up until suicide. She has a bandage around her neck because she tried to slit her throat a few days ago.

I don't feel that I should rescue her anymore, so I think I dealt with that.

I think this transformation is kind of what I always expected, so it's also a relief to finally see it happen.

I don't know what I get out of it, to be honest. I think I'm maybe scared that one day she will change and I won't be there to experience it. Although I know that's most likely pure fantasy.

[Mutt]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm happy to hear the news that she's in assisted living. Do you mean the false self, authentic self and angry child?

The woman that I fell in love with was like a super woman, charismatic, confident, pleasant and I see different parts of her personality that that is not an integrated whole. People that suffer from BPD often have an underlying clinical depression, anxiety, substance abuse and eating disorders.

Are you perhaps seeing a different side of her that you're not used to?

[LonelyChild]

Are you perhaps seeing a different side of her that you're not used to?

I'm seeing the "underlying" side that I've seen glimpses of since the beginning, when she was an awesome girl. This chaotic mess is now all there is. It's "bloomed out" so to speak.

I think I'm used to it now. The sad thing is that nothing she says feels real anymore. She gives me compliments, that I'm handsome etc. But she's also said I'm fugly. Nothing really means anything, and the only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't say things based on what she feels or thinks, but rather says things that kinda go well with the moment they are being said.

[apollotech]

I think I'm used to it now. The sad thing is that nothing she says feels real anymore. She gives me compliments, that I'm handsome etc. But she's also said I'm fugly. Nothing really means anything, and the only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't say things based on what she feels or thinks, but rather says things that kinda go well with the moment they are being said.

LC,

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I know that you were hoping for a better outcome for her once she was institutionalized. As mentioned previously LC, maybe she hasn't changed so dramatically but you have. With acceptance comes much needed clarity.