Just a hot mess today

[Yolanda123]

I can't even understand why - can't even describe what I feel I've just been crying uncontrollably for a few hours, feeling huge sadness & loneliness, just feeling horrible. It just hurts so bad. I thought just writing it here is gonna help me go through this wave and then feeling better after. I know I'm gonna feel better soon.

[jhkbuzz]

You will feel better soon, for sure.  I hated the emotional roller coaster - especially since the emotions seemed to come out of no where sometimes.

The good news is that, over time, the episodes will shorten, and occur less frequently.

But it does take time. 

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I'm sorry to hear that   I agree that writing and sharing here helps.

Was there something that triggered this sadness today?

[Yolanda123]

Hi Mutt,

I think part of it is the memories coming up. I had one of my best friends & her boyfriend over to my house yesterday, we had a nice hot summer pool day. It naturally reminded me of a day last summer when me & my exBPDbf had them over. We were around 6 months into the r/s (still in the idealization phase), I remember at the end of that day I thought: This must have been one the best days of my life, just hanging out with good friends, enjoying the summer, and having found the man of my life, a smart, sensitive, caring, funny man. There was such a connection between us, fun and tenderness. The memories are very vivid and painful today. My head knows now that this was the BPD love-bombing phase, and I had no idea what was in store for me in the coming months, that it had nothing to do with love but it's just difficult to let go of this some days I guess.

I guess that, mixed with the realization that after 5 weeks post b/u I'm still feeling so raw, still trying to make sense of this, while I'm probably just a distant memory for him, he's probably now love-bombing someone else, having also uncovered some lies of him last week, the anxiety of  awaiting my STD test results, I just have an overwhelming sense of what a fool I've been and I wish I could erase the last 1 year and 1/2 of my life and that I could erase the memories and erase him.

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: jhkbuzz 

Insert Quote

You will feel better soon, for sure.  I hated the emotional roller coaster - especially since the emotions seemed to come out of no where sometimes.

The good news is that, over time, the episodes will shorten, and occur less frequently.

But it does take time.

 

Thanks jhkbuzz - it gives me hope that things get better to hear that 

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I can see how that would be triggering having your best friend and her boyfriend over triggered thoughts about the infatuation phase and how wonderful everything was  A year and a half ago is not very long ago and I can see now hard it is to let those feelings go. I think that crying is a part of grieving the loss of a relationship.

Where do you see yourself on the grieving wheel?



PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I can see how scary that would be waiting for the results of an STD test. I am sorry your going through this. I believe your get the results this week and I hope that it's something that is treatable.

Have you heard about mindfulness to relieve anxiety and stress with shifting our thoughts and observing our behaviors in real time?

[Yolanda123]

Hi Mutt

I suppose that I went through the denial and bargaining stages during the last months of the r/s, trying to make things work despite the chaos, the lies and lack of respect, hoping for the return of the great guy/Relationship and recycling. Post b/u and Learning about BPD, I am alternating between depression, anger and acceptance. 

Have you heard about mindfulness to relieve anxiety and stress with shifting our thoughts and observing our behaviors in real time?

I made a little research and what I understand is it means accepting the feelings when they come, not trying to deny them or judge them, let them come and go and focus on the present moment, not the past or the future... .? I might me completely off, not thinking straight today 

Thanks Mutt for the support

[Mutt]

I made a little research and what I understand is it means accepting the feelings when they come, not trying to deny them or judge them, let them come and go and focus on the present moment, not the past or the future... .? I might me completely off, not thinking straight today 

You're welcome Yolanda123. You are correct with mindfulness.

“Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.” - Piglet

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” – Winnie the Pooh

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: Mutt

“Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.” - Piglet

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” – Winnie the Pooh