Why i cant let go

[isthislove]

So I left my husband/relationship of 6 years about 7 months ago.

I dont even know where to start.

The relationship was intense from day one and I feel like I always knew there were red flags. He was so attentive and what I thought was bordering on obsessive. I guess i has never met a BPD person, so i thought he must just REALLY like me.

We met travelling and after the trip was over i went back home. He continued to write me love letters and say how much he wanted to come to my country to be with me. so after thinking he was a bit intense,  but egnoring it, i invited him to come live with me.

SO the real insanity starts here. constant drama, fights, confusion, miss understandings. Then I started fidning messeges to other girls, doing the same kind of thing, franitcally confessing his love to a bunch of other women. Of course i confronted him, he said that he never thought i would stay with a guy like him. of course a typical excuse from a BPD. He pleaded and cried and said it would never happen again. well not soon after his crazy behavior, impulsive,emotional, distorted, drug addicted, hot and cold behavior continued. more fights, more confusion, thinking i was crazy ALL THE TIME. as the year passed I started to get insecure, jealous, and it kept going downhill. and every time i would get so upset and threaten to end it, of course he pleaded, said i deserved better and how could i love someone like him. He would get angry outbursts, flip me off couches, smash stuff and of course appoligize and say he would never do it again. we couldnt go a week without him reacting to virtually anything that really never made any sense at all. me being a very logical person i just didnt know what to think.

I was constantly hiding his behavior from my family and freinds, and always wanting out, but never actually being able to leave. i know i havent said any of the good times, there were lots, but ALWAYS tanted by his moods, or anger or boredom, jealousy ect... .SO we got into another one of our END of world fights and i threw him out the door. he ended up going to newzealand and as he was leaving promised we would spend somtimes apart but he NEVER wanted to leave me again. the whole time he was there it was back and forth of drama jealousy and crazyness. I was SURE he was trying to seduce every women he met and im sure Im right. when he got back from newzealand i found a picture on his computer of him in bed with another women. I lost my ___ and he cried and fell to his knees to sware he thought we were over and he would never do it again.

I dont know what it is about a BPD's appolgy that seems so sincere. but lets just say over the next 4 years it was a whole lot of the same but in diferent :check:ent ways, with different ppl, while i suffered in silence. lieing to my freinds and family, covering his tracks and suffereing and suffering.

I have always been a happy person. but unfortunatly i have learned to be a caretaker from my own dad and mom situation. (my mom has a mental illness) and my dad took care of her for far too long. my husband was sexually abused and had a horible childhood and maybe thats why i stayed for so long, under all that damage i saw i decent human being.

7months later im still not ok, i still get lead a stray beleiving he loves me, and that he can get help and change and treat me how I feel as i should be treated. I guess im looking for the love i could never get from my mentally ill mother, and i found the perfect match with my husband. someone who also isnt capable of the love i need.

either way, i still want to be back with him, how messed up is that?

he appologizes and takes resposibility for how bad he treated me, and says how upset he is and will never forget and wants to fix it and be with me, cuz he wont find anyone else like me. a little to late.

why do they say that? if only they could just leave us alone, and not tell us what we want to hear and beleive.

he will not change, i want to move on.

why is it soo hard and how has anyone else moved on?

[arn131arn]

This really is the worst part about these relationships isn't it?

You say you want move on without him; but if I also read it right you seem to be pining over "what could have been".

Let me tell you, this is normal.  I felt the same thing too.

Are you currently implementing no contact?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey isthislove, A BPD r/s is like an addiction; you know its bad for you but you still want to keep doing it.  Sad to say, a BPD r/s is not built to last, in my view, and the sooner you recognize that it's a Lose/Lose proposition, the better.  You are going through withdrawal symptoms.  My advice is: Acknowledge your pain and feel your feelings, but don't go back.

LJ

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there and welcome. I'm glad you found us.

i still get lead a stray believing he loves me, and that he can get help and change and treat me how I feel as i should be treated. I guess im looking for the love i could never get from my mentally ill mother, and i found the perfect match with my husband. someone who also isn't capable of the love i need.

Oh yes, I suspect this could well be at the bottom of it all. This is the issue I'm trying to get to grips with currently. One thing I do know, is that no matter how much someone in the present gives me love, it does not fill that empty hole where mother-love ought to be. I have to grieve that lack and heal my past. Just trying to figure out how to do that... .

Love Lifewriter

[lostjak]

Hey isthislove,

I was with mine for 16 years. I moved out a month ago. I'm struggling. What they say is true, I can feel it. I was/am addicted. Hang in there. Keep reading posts here to understand there are others like you out there. It helps. I miss the good times, but I am kidding myself. There were more bad. I love my partner, but she loves differently. (If it's love at all)

Stay strong. Stay away.