Text from him after 5 months

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,

I felt relatively assured that I would not hear from uBPDex again, unless I ran into him somewhere.  It was a short relationship, after all, and he was never one of those that sends excessive texts/emails/voice msg despite no response.  I just come to this site for the L6 board for the well thought out discussions going on there.

I get a text from him saying hey, were you walking just now in (my neighbourhood) (wearing this)?  Wondering how you are doing

I'm not surprised he's in my neighbourhood because he has a friend here, but it wasn't me, I'm at home. 

When we were still in contact, there was no good way to answer the "how are you doing" text.  If I just answer the question, something, something will set him off.  If, as I did another time I answer truthfully "I thought I wouldn't hear from you again", still there's going to be something that leads to an argument.

I admit, I want to talk to him.  But there is some hostility in my imagined responses (e.g. "what, tired of all your druggie friends and remembered someone who actually cared about you?"  So I can see that there is still a real vulnerability there for me.  Some hurt left.  I have met some interesting men recently, at least one good new friend but nothing "clicked" dating-wise, so I have not "moved on" per se.

Not to mention the fact that I am pretty embarrassed about "how I am doing".  I have anxiety, and in my life I'm pretty much where he left me, which wasn't good.  I had hoped to be able to say everything was great, not so much to "rub it in" but at least so it doesn't feel like he had any reason to think "I told you so".  (then, I don't know how he's doing, do I.)

Help talk me through this please.

[eeks]

Hey guys,

I felt relatively assured that I would not hear from uBPDex again, unless I ran into him somewhere.  It was a short relationship, after all, and he was never one of those that sends excessive texts/emails/voice msg despite no response.  I just come to this site for the L6 board for the well thought out discussions going on there.

I get a text from him saying hey, were you walking just now in (my neighbourhood) (wearing this)?  Wondering how you are doing

I'm not surprised he's in my neighbourhood because he has a friend here, but it wasn't me, I'm at home. 

When we were still in contact, there was no good way to answer the "how are you doing" text.  If I just answer the question, something, something will set him off.  If, as I did another time I answer truthfully "I thought I wouldn't hear from you again", still there's going to be something that leads to an argument.

I admit, I want to talk to him.  But there is some hostility in my imagined responses (e.g. "what, tired of all your druggie friends and remembered someone who actually cared about you?"  So I can see that there is still a real vulnerability there for me.  Some hurt left.  I have met some interesting men recently, at least one good new friend but nothing "clicked" dating-wise, so I have not "moved on" per se.

Not to mention the fact that I am pretty embarrassed about "how I am doing".  I have anxiety, and in my life I'm pretty much where he left me, which wasn't good.  I had hoped to be able to say everything was great, not so much to "rub it in" but at least so it doesn't feel like he had any reason to think "I told you so".  (then, I don't know how he's doing, do I.)

Help talk me through this please.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

I felt relatively assured that I would not hear from uBPDex again, unless I ran into him somewhere.  It was a short relationship, after all, and he was never one of those that sends excessive texts/emails/voice msg despite no response.  I just come to this site for the L6 board for the well thought out discussions going on there.

I get a text from him saying hey, were you walking just now in (my neighbourhood) (wearing this)?  Wondering how you are doing

I'm not surprised he's in my neighbourhood because he has a friend here, but it wasn't me, I'm at home. 

When we were still in contact, there was no good way to answer the "how are you doing" text.  If I just answer the question, something, something will set him off.  If, as I did another time I answer truthfully "I thought I wouldn't hear from you again", still there's going to be something that leads to an argument.

I admit, I want to talk to him.  But there is some hostility in my imagined responses (e.g. "what, tired of all your druggie friends and remembered someone who actually cared about you?"  So I can see that there is still a real vulnerability there for me.  Some hurt left.  I have met some interesting men recently, at least one good new friend but nothing "clicked" dating-wise, so I have not "moved on" per se.

Not to mention the fact that I am pretty embarrassed about "how I am doing".  I have anxiety, and in my life I'm pretty much where he left me, which wasn't good.  I had hoped to be able to say everything was great, not so much to "rub it in" but at least so it doesn't feel like he had any reason to think "I told you so".  (then, I don't know how he's doing, do I.)

Help talk me through this please.

Yikes! This would make me anxious for sure.

First, my rule is to try to not do anything impulsive, to sleep on it, give anything a min 24hrs.

So, why do you feel that a response is needed? 

What are your thoughts about responding and also about not responding?

[Infern0]

Detatch from the outcome and speak your truth

If you want to talk to him, respond, be polite and decent and expect nothing back.

Just detatch from the outcome

[arn131arn]

I wouldn't break 5 months of NC for "was that u walking around your neighborhood wearing a blah blah blah."

It's an attempt at a recycle.

Has your life gotten a little better the past 5 months? Would you want to go back to him?

[BorisAcusio]

I wouldn't break 5 months of NC for "was that u walking around your neighborhood wearing a blah blah blah."

It's an attempt at a recycle.

Has your life gotten a little better the past 5 months? Would you want to go back to him?

We often read too much into this attempts. PwBPD are known for their use of people for self-soothing purposes. Your name may come up months later as a possibly source to releive anxiety, but that does not translate to recycle. A message sent, a call is placed, the tension released.

Contact after the breakup - what is this about?

Survey data about the communications we receive after the "big break-up"

[arn131arn]

Ok. Then I will ask the OP: do you want to be there to "soothe" the person who has caused you so much pain?

The OP is posting this on the "leaving" board for a reason.

Anyway, my position doesn't change. Stay with NC.

[jhkbuzz]

I think it's important for you to stay in control of your decisions, not simply communicate with him because he made a decision to contact you. You're in charge here.

Would you have contacted him if you had not received a text from him?

Probably not.

You are under no obligation to respond. Silence speaks volumes.

[apollotech]

I think it's important for you to stay in control of your decisions, not simply communicate with him because he made a decision to contact you. You're in charge here.

Would you have contacted him if you had not received a text from him?

Probably not.

You are under no obligation to respond. Silence speaks volumes.

What jhk said ^^^^. The only thing that I'd add to that, in order to negate any anxiety associated with your decision or decision making process, is that you, yourself, accept your decision and accept living with it. What you choose to do is your choice, regardless of other people involved or the circumstances involved.

[LimboFL]

I agree completely with Apollo. You have to be sure to do what feels right for you.

I just went through a heartbreaking contact, without direct contact with my exBPDgf, after also 5 months of silence. You can find my string recently. It was both a blessing and also an excruciating experience, after thinking that I would never ever hear from her again. She left a message that contained "I love you".

I simply couldn't not respond. I needed to find closure for myself (without expectation that she would ever give it to me). I told her that I loved her still and missed her, got to address a very heart breaking topic about the death of pet that was by her side for 16 years and whom I lived with an loved deeply, that I didn't get to say goodbye to.

I closed by saying that it had taken me a very long time to get past the pain of it all, that I missed her but would never understand why but that in order to move forward, the communications couldn't go any further than my message.

I then told her that she would always occupy a piece of my heart and that I hoped that her life was happy and that I hoped that she was exactly where she had always wanted to be.

It was for me. So whatever you decide it has to be for you and what comes from you. I couldn't ignore her and hopefully despite my yearning to be with her, I hope that she respects my wishes.

I was bawling for two days. It was like saying goodbye all over again. I am getting past it and will be fine but... . 

Go with your heart, so long as you go in being fully aware of all of the possible consequences.

Stay strong and good luck.

[eeks]

Hi, thanks to all who have replied.  This is why I posted here, I knew I was emotional and lacking perspective and needed you guys to help me "sit on my hands" so I didn't text and regret it.  I appreciate the insightful responses.  You guys are great, seriously.  I feel that rather than being told what to do, I've been supported with giving the situation context to make my own decision.

I posted this last night right before I went to bed, and am kind of busy now so I'll respond in more detail later. 

[Invictus01]

Don't know the details of your story, but don't you love it how after 5 months of complete silence, somebody can just pop up like this, like you just talked yesterday?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eeks, Usually this type of message is a "fishing expedition" to see if you are still "hooked."  Well, are you still on the hook?  Suggest you proceed w/caution.  I agree w/jhkbuzz and apollotech: try to figure out what is right for you, rather than responding to someone else's agenda.

LuckyJim

[eeks]

I just remembered... .seeing someone's fb post about a birthday... .tomorrow is his birthday!  

What do you guys think?  Him contemplating being an old(er) man alone got anything to do with this?  Not that it changes my response any, just wondering

[Blimblam]

it possibly could. I think its pretty common to think about exs if your lonely on your birthday.  It is not something BPD specific. Its also common for people to think back about their exs when they feel lonely in general, not only exs just people from their past that aren't around.  Someone experiences anxiety then recollect memories from their past to sooth them and those memories contain other people so the person decides to give their old friend a call and it releases the tension. Could that lead to a meet up? possibly depending on how the conversation goes.  :)oes it mean that is the persons intention? not necessarily.

[rblrdr]

My BPDex would feel melancholy about his past every now and then. It didn't last. Just another mood or an overfelt  memory. I use to spend more time trying to figure out his feelings than his feeling actually lasted :-)

Ignore him. It has nothing to do with you. It's always about them and just ... .ignore him.

[GotOut]

This is a difficult call to make.  I often contemplate what I would do if my ex reached out to me. I'd try my best to ignore it or show indifference or perhaps respond with a neutral statement.  I'm lucky - for now. It's been 90 days of complete silence. No texts, no emails or calls.  I was very fortunate. I had people in my life who pointed out the telltale signs of BPD and told me straight up that what I was experiencing was the end of the honeymoon phase and the start of devaluation. They told me to get out and fast. I was the one who broke it off. I know this sounds strange, but now that I'm aware of BPD, I feel like I mirrored what a BPD would do.  I think I caught her by surprise when I told her I no longer wanted a relationship and no contact whatsoever. I felt like a bad guy, but like many of the folks on this board know, this is about your best interests, your well-being and your dignity and we can't let our feelings for someone who will eventually harm us (because that's just the way they are wired) stand in the way no matter how painful the decision.  Mine talked about "not wanting to get an STD" but seemed compelled to practice unsafe sex because that was "true lovemaking". She mentioned urinary tract infections that supposedly her ex gave her. Big red flag.  After I read how promiscuous they are and how their fear of being alone will drive them to one night stands, I felt sick to my stomach. I feel for you because from time to time I'll think about getting tested again. I can't imagine how you feel right now, but you do have the right to be upset. You also have the right to go on that trip and enjoy yourself.  I also know it's difficult to hear "things will get better and it's not the end of the world" when our anger and frustration levels are through the roof, but it will get better with time.