Did you ever keep secrets?

[sas1729]

Hey everyone,

This is my first new topic. I joined very recently and have been posting several replies to other threads. One of my replies got me thinking and I wanted to start a new topic.

I was with my BPDex for 2.5 years. I am now six months out of the relationship, with no contact. Although we fought and I was sent away several times, I would not consider that we actually "broke up" and recycled. Furthermore, my ex did not contact me after I ended it. Based on what I have read I feel lucky about this. My ex was very educated, had friends outside of the relationship, and was generally very high functioning. I suppose this is partly why I did not accept the BPD traits when I saw them in her (after I learned what BPD is).

I'm in a new relationship now with a wonderful person. We have fun together and amazing chemistry. And most importantly, I feel that I can be completely myself around her. It is a new feeling to be completely open with someone and trust that they will appreciate your opinion. I think that's partly why I joined this forum. The difference between the past and present is striking, and I had some latent questions and thoughts to work out. Reading the posts I see here and the replies has helped me. I guess I can't believe how lucky I have it now, and I worry that I don't have a normal baseline to compare things to.

Being so open made me remember my past relationship. I kept secrets. The secrets were never things that I think should be secrets. My ex hated my family and for 2.5 years never met them. She met my father the week that we broke up; never met my mother. This is another topic in it of itself, but leads to one of the secrets that I kept. I would have lunch with my dad and not tell my ex. I would just not mention it. I must have directly avoided telling the truth if I was asked. I do not remember a particular instance when I was asked and I lied, but this is still a lie. I knew she wouldn't want me to see my parents.

Another thing that I kept secret was the fact that I never sold my bike. She thought it was dangerous that I rode it in the city. I promised to sell it and never did. I kept riding it and kept it at my office. I remember that when I would go to see her I would lock my bike up around the corner from her building. There were times that we would go on walks and pass my bike. I guess she did not know what it looked like or did not remember. She probably trusted that I did get rid of it.

The other secret that I kept from her is the fact that I saw many BPD traits in her. I read books about BPD and kept them in my office. Once she came in, and I was thankful that I had it upside down and essentially hidden. We never spoke about BPD and I never made any suggestion that she has it or that she should go to therapy alone (I mentioned going together in the hopes that a therapist would see what was going on). So I never lied directly about this, but keeping it a secret bothered me. This secret contributed to my acceptance that the relationship will end, since I never felt that I could tell her.

Today, I talk about riding the bike if I do. I talk about my parents. She in turn has been completely honest with me. I suppose that it's a general policy that being open and honest is crucial for the success of any relationship. As I write this, I am not sure what I am asking anymore. I guess I wanted to talk about everyone's experiences with keeping secrets if you did.

My pattern of behaviour changed drastically over the relationship. I lost myself and my identity to it. There are reasons why it happened and why I stayed in it, but the end result was that I left the relationship a shell of my former self. I did not know who I was. I do not find it difficult to trust the person I am with now. That's the interesting thing. I know that I am emotionally clingy to her and I work at giving her the space she needs and the time she needs to open up to me in turn, which she does. But she knows this too, so my want to express my feelings to her is not a secret. We have spoken about this directly and is so far our main difference.

Before her, I dated someone who was incredibly sweet. She was kind and expressive and emotionally open. It satiated my emotional need to be close to someone. Yet, I felt that I was starting to edit myself. So it ended.

Did you keep any secrets in your past relationship with a pwBPD? If so how did it effect you today? Is trust more difficult or is it easier when you feel you can? It's the latter for me, but maybe that's just me.

[valet]

I kept a lot of secrets big and small throughout most of the duration of the relationship.

As we got closer, I became more open. There are some things that I would tell her today, if it seemed appropriate, that I never told her before the relationship ended.

Honestly, I think I became self-aware that I was exhibiting these behaviors about halfway through the relationship. I am a better person for it today, and I know that any good relationship revolves around mutual trust. It has only affected me positively, in a strange way.

When I feel that I can trust a person, I generally don't hold back. Obviously, feeling this way takes time and a lot of 'getting to know' new people, but I am much more open now then I ever was in the past.

[greenmonkey]

I was totally open with my ex, I hate secrets and the one thing that I wanted from her was to be open honest and transparent.

After we moved in together the lies starting flowing thick and fast, and with regard to my assets and finances I had a gut feeling that she was not trustworthy to know that information. That was the only part of me I held back on.

Everything else she was told - there was no reason to hide anything in my eyes. As time went on she hid more and more, lied more and more, there was no honesty, opens and transparency and therefore no respect for what was our 'relationship' if you can call it that and zero for me (and my family).

It was uncovering the secrets, lies and cheating, along with everything else that my patience ran out - and it was convenient for her to be living off me - I ended it, threw her out etc etc.

Keeping secrets does not make for a healthy relationship same goes for lying.

[sas1729]

Thanks so much for your replies and thoughts. Valet I think I understand where you're coming from. I value trust even more now. It's strange to think that like you I can be even more trusting now, once the barrier goes down. After I get to know someone, as you said.

Greenmonkey, did you ever get in fights because of your honesty? My main issue was avoiding a fight. There were enough fights that I thought making a deal of the bike would add too much to the fighting. Same thing especially for my parents.

It's interesting what you write about your ex. I have read on this forum many times that people have been lied to and cheated on. To this day I do not know if my ex lied to me. Maybe she was very good at it or maybe she just kept things from me. Maybe I was too naive to see it. The only time I can say I have a strong suspicion is the week we broke up. I think she must have gone through my phone, since during a fight she remarked on exchanges I had with my friends and dad that I think she could only know from reading through my phone. This is such a small thing in comparison to what many here have experienced I know. This is why I'm learning from this forum.

It's clear to me now how things evolved. It seems almost "inevitable", given the string of secrets that I mentioned. There were other secrets too, but the main point is that with every secret I kept I gave up part of myself. I ended up living two lives, which was impossible, and ultimately I love my identity because of that. This is why I admire your commitment to being open and honest with your BPDex.

[apollotech]

sas,

Yes, like you, I was keeping to myself things that I knew about her and the relationship. By the end of the relationship I was on the BPD trail, but my understanding, language, knowledge, etc. of the disorder wasn't mature enough to properly examine what I was caught up in. I recognized the destructive cyclical nature of our relationship, but I didn't understand that it was due to her engulfment issues. And, of course, I was still emotionally engaged and taking one hell of an emotional beating there with her push/pull behavior. I was ignorant, but had experience. So yes, I had secrets. Thankfully, those secrets helped me out of an increasingly untenable situation.

[greenmonkey]

@Sas in answer to your question - yes - she hated the fact that I was what I was open book nothing to hide, so she twisted everything she could, painted me black to everyone she knew and was always the victim.

If it was not for coming here and doing my own acid tests on her regarding money and shared responsibility I would not have discovered everything else about her. She played me and 4 other women for a period of 3 years. From my understanding they have been numerous recycles with them, painting black, push/pull. I believe I am the only one who took control back, and my self esteem and got my life back.

She is toxic, I did not believe one word that came out of her mouth, if she told me the sky was blue I would have to go out and see for myself.

I am now surrounding myself with people I trust 100% through my work that takes me all over, and I have my friends who are true friends. I am not at the stage where I am ready or want a relationship but I am happy with my life, my health is 10k better than it was - I have lost nearly 4stone through exercise and have no regrets - I can't ask for more

[cloudten]

Yes, I absolutely had secrets to either avoid arguments or to feel normal/human/not crazy.

Like you, he never met my mother in nearly 3 years. He would get upset if I saw my family or friends. There is one or two male friends of mine (strictly platonic friends) that he would flip out about if I even mentioned their names. I will admit that I met up with each of them for lunch or dinner on occasion without telling him.

But there were other secrets too- like my finances, my spending... .even just where I was.  I hid things out of fear. I hid things so that I felt like I had a "normal (sane)" place to go to where he wasn't affecting me.

I even went so far as to secret eat or secret not-eat just to make him happy.  That is really sad now that I think about it.

[Pretty Woman]

Keeping secrets became a form of "self preservation" for me.  I had finally gotten to the point I wasn't going to let this person dictate my life. She wanted complete control and after a bazillion break ups (all her leaving) I did start lying about things.

My proudest moments? No. A part of me feels like I ended up on her level there... .but there was no way in hell I was going to let this person run my life completely.

I am glad I didn't.

[hurting300]

I expect anyone I'm with to be as open as me. I didn't keep secrets, but my relationship was a lot different than most here.

[nihilo]

Sort of. He would randomly grab my phone and skim txts, so anything I figured he could or would take out of context, id erase, even if they weren't about him.

I would also erase my browsing history for the same reason. Even though I've always had a habit of clearing my trails (very security conscious) I did it for different reasons with him around, I didn't want him to think a txt about my cousin being mad at her bf was a "projection" of him.

I would also check in with him everytime I was out, I felt like I had to hustle every time because he knew specifically how long I'd be gone, so if I had stopped and "smelt the roses" he'd have grounds to distrust me, because I took longer than normal.

During his silent treatments I would research bipolar, mental issues (id forgotten he told me he was diagnosed for BPD) but id always click off after one article, I was worried he'd check the router logs and see what I was looking up.

Times when I was mad at him and I would take my time, breaking habits felt absolutely liberating. I was aware these was all red flags at play, but I chose to ignore them.

[rotiroti]

You know part of the appeal with my ex was the connection I felt. I felt like I could truly be me felt safe and respected. I suppose this came from all the years of mirroring when we were friends for 10 years.

HOWEVER, during our first fight she brought up many personal secrets I told her in confidence as salvo for her anger. Huge deal-breakers for me BPD or not, and essentially left after the first sign of push-pull behavior. If I had stayed for whatever reason, I would never tell her anything personal

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SAS, Yup, I kept secrets as a survival tactic.  In my view, those w/BPD don't foster open communication, due to their extreme reactions to minor things, as well as their need to control.  For example, after my BPDxW flushed my Rx down the toilet in one of her rages, I kept the Rx in a separate location and didn't tell her about it.  Was I keeping a secret?  Maybe so, but I needed to take the Rx for medical reasons (my BPDxW was strongly opposed to me taking medications).  Based on my experiences, I would suggest that pwBPD drive normal things underground by their outrageous behavior.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

Hey SAS, Yup, I kept secrets as a survival tactic.  In my view, those w/BPD don't foster open communication, due to their extreme reactions to minor things, as well as their need to control.  For example, after my BPDxW flushed my Rx down the toilet in one of her rages, I kept the Rx in a separate location and didn't tell her about it.  Was I keeping a secret?  Maybe so, but I needed to take the Rx for medical reasons (my BPDxW was strongly opposed to me taking medications).  Based on my experiences, I would suggest that pwBPD drive normal things underground by their outrageous behavior.

LuckyJim

Wow- that's cray cray.

My pwBPD hated medications too, with a passion. I attributed it to him being addicted to percs at one point in time.

Also, my pwBPD did not foster open communication at all. In the end, he would actually be angry with ME for not wanting to have conversations- raging away at me at 3am for not wanting to talk right then and there at that moment. But I remember in the beginning, conversations on dates were painfully tedious. He didn't want to share anything personal... .about anything. Nothing about work, nothing about his family... .nothing. It left us very little to talk about besides the news or hockey. I eventually had to delve deep into one of his hobbies (dirt bikes) for us to have something interesting to even talk about. But trying to get him to have any kind of meaningful conversation was always extremely difficult.

I am an open book. I'll talk about anything. But it eventually caused me to suppress my own thoughts, fears, feelings, and general openness just because it wasn't worth the fall out.

[WrennyJen]

I did start to keep things from my ex eventually; for a long time I told him everything. After a while he began twisting things around to make it seem I was cheating or doing wrong and using that to start or continue fights.  So I started editing what I told him, even small things.  When my sister got married I didn't tell him until the week of.  I knew he hated her fiancee so it would be that I was "choosing" this person that he hated over him, instead of me helping my sister.  In truth, it became easier to just leave him out of things.  Sad, but self-preservation.  I would like to think that when I find someone else I will be able to trust them and be transparent.  Time will tell, I guess. 

[Circle]

I did not keep secrets. I always foolishly think that my openness will be reciprocated. My ex had substance abuse problems, and obvious mental health issues that I dealt with daily, in whatever manifestation. I have trust issues (based on experience) and needed reassurance. My T even supported my right to ask questions openly, when needing reassurance. Well, my ex would use this, in typical BPD fashion, as a weapon against me. My ex would refuse to open up to me, claiming that my trust issues were too frequent. My ex would occasionally refuse to answer my ?'s. And, my ex would treat me like a jerk for having trust issues in the first place. My ex was very naturally secretive, and even had a favorite song about secrets.

[sas1729]

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts. I find it interesting that many of you were completely open and honest. It's such a different experience from the one that I had with keeping secrets.

[Lucky Jim]

it eventually caused me to suppress my own thoughts, fears, feelings, and general openness just because it wasn't worth the fall out.

Agree, cloudten.  When I was open with my BPDxW, she used private information against me, or "accidently" revealed private matters in conversations with others.  For example, one time I shared a painful experience from childhood about my mother, which she then related to my sister-in-law, claiming she did it inadvertently.  Yeah, sure it was inadvertent.  So she was highly unreliable about keeping things confidential, which was another reason that I began to tell her less and less.  The risk became too great.  Was I keeping secrets?  I would say that, under the circumstances, I was using healthy boundaries with someone who couldn't keep a secret.

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

Oh, absolutely.  I kept secrets for my own self preservation, to avoid a fight and to keep myself from feeling like I was going crazy myself.  I kept secrets not only from him but from others about him because I knew it all just sounded nuts and I knew I looked like a moron for tolerating what I did.  By the end, I knew he was reading into everything (the last rage was his imaginary belief that while chatting with a girlfriend on the phone I was talking in code about him) so it just felt safer to pretend.  I consider myself to be a pretty smart woman but looking back at this, I only now see how far down the rabbit hole I fell... .