I feel so used

[Fleur2013]

I told him it was over 2 weeks ago when he got a gift from some woman he claims is his friend. He is out with her almost every night. He has no job-for about 10 years. I told him that he needs to keep tabs on what he spends and pay me back. He pays the bills and I'm afraid to ask to do it because I know he will freak out and make my life more intolerable.

I told him I would help him until he finishes school in January.

I'm so sad.  I know he is out with new girlfriend doing things that he never wanted to do with me. And he's lying about it. You don't stay out with a single female friend for 12 hours a day 3 days in a row. I don't want him but I feel so hurt, betrayed and stupid.

[Mutt]

Hi Fleur2013,



I can understand how hurt and betrayed that would feel like when our partner is spending almost an entire with a single person three times a week. I can relate.

Do you have joint accounts?

I don't think we're responsible for someone else's actions and that makes us stupid. Don't be hard on yourself.

I think it's kind of you to wait until he finishes school and do you feel obligated?

[Fleur2013]

Hi Mutt.

We have a joint account and he transfers money to his personal account from there to pay our bills. Most of them are autopay. I have a separate account with a little money in it for emergency. He doesn't know about that.

I do feel obligated to help him through school. I'm all he has. I'm sure the new girlfriend doesn't know about me or that he doesn't work. I'm sure she's basking in the "love bomb". He has alienated every one in his family and most don't contact him.

[myself]

I'm all he has.

... .the new girlfriend... .

Sorry, but obviously to him you're not 'all'.

He's making important and damaging decisions.

Maybe he can get her to pay for his school?

[Fleur2013]

I would like him to move out of here and in with her. At least then I would be able to breathe and stop shaking, but he's living a double life. I don't think she will take him if she knew he had no income.

He's also threatened suicide, has a plan, and has told me on occasion that if I call the police that he will fake "normal", say it was a disagreement wait until they leave and then do it.

[Mutt]

Hi Fleur2013,

I can understand how scary and hopeless that would feel if a loved one threatened suicide and then threatens to "fake normal" when the emergency personnel arrive. This workshop should help:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'm hearing about him and her and that she may not take him if she finds out he's unemployed. We don't know what's going to happen for sure? I'm worried about you, how do you feel and what are your needs? It has to feel horrible when you feel like you can't breathe and you're shaking. It's sad to hear that he has no one to turn to, I get it. You're important too Fleur2013

[Fleur2013]

Thank you for your concern and for the link. I'll check it out now. I've been doing a lot of reading but I think that I'm having a hard time absorbing all of it. Although I have a great group of friends few know of what my home life has become.

[sas1729]

Hey Fleur,

It sounds like he's not going to leave. Would a pwBPD actually ever leave? I'm sure it has happened but I don't think it's the norm.

The main question that you have to ask yourself is if it's worth supporting him through January. That's several months away. Take a look back over the past months and honestly ask yourself if his behaviour has changed for the better. If there's a pattern of bad behaviour then I don't know if he will change (or leave) in the coming months. It sounds like you're sacrificing so much for so little in return.

Maybe instead of him leaving you could consider going yourself? You have to protect yourself and make a difficult decision. Staying where you are to support him has its benefits, as it sounds like you really feel devoted to him. But then again, you go through so much pain for so little in return. It's not fair and it's not an easy question to consider I know

[Fleur2013]

I realize that he's probably not going to go to school and if he does he will likely put in little effort. He was supposed to call to find out information today but instead I believe he is out with this woman. Am I wrong to assume that when u are out there days a week for 12+ hours a day that there is something more than" hanging out" with friends going on?  Besides if he had real interest in school he would have stayed home and made calls or completed application for jobs.

PLUS I  found a $1000 charge on his credit card... .God knows what for, that I paid for.

I reached out to his brother today but haven't heard back. I need to make sure he doesn't have access to a weapon when I tell him he has to leave.