Hello

[Abigail68]

Hello!

I was relieved and a bit surprised to find this website, and am a bit nervous to post, to be honest. Probably because it signifies that I'm taking a step that I've been afraid to take for so long. I will try to be brief for now and say that, after many years of on/off, push/pull, "I hate you/don't leave me, I promise things will be different this time" nonsense... .after endless hours of thinking and searching and reading for answers, pushing away theories that made perfect sense, after working as a therapist myself with individuals who've been abusive... .I have fully realized that my significant other has BPD.

We now share two amazing children in a very non-traditional situation, and are not co-habitating, but spend much of our time together as a family. So many messed up dynamics are surfacing, I can't even begin to describe here (the kids are safe at this point, but I now know the reality of what we're facing and realize that keeping them safe in the long run may ultimately require doing something very differently in my relationship with their dad).

We've known each other for about eight years. We were broken up for almost two, and about 8 months ago (as I was getting involved in another relationship with a wonderful man), he came back and told me all of the things I'd always wanted to hear from him - that he was so in love with me, he wanted us all to be together forever, that we would build a beautiful home together, that I was home to him, that he could not be without me, we belong together, he wanted to marry me and wake up together every day, etc etc blah blah blah bs.

The eight/nine month mark is a tough one for him though... .he can keep it together for just about that long in a relationship, and then his anxiety and intolerance for true intimacy becomes too much. If it weren't for the kids, he would have run as he's done in the past. Now he is saying he doesn't know if he can handle us all living together, that the idea and planning causes him such deep anxiety that he feels the need to retreat occasionally in order to feel safe, etc etc - basically not coming through with any of the promises he made to get me to end a potentially wonderful relationship. But always saying he will do it, that things will get better, that he wants to keep his promises and thinks he can do it but just needs more time to transition - or whichever excuse seems most appropriate at the time.

I could go on and on describing the mind-twisting nuances of this relationship, the repeating patterns, probably so similar to many of those experienced by people on this site. But at this point, the stakes are so much higher than they were when it was just he and I. There are innocent children involved, and while he is a great, loving dad when things stay on his terms, the relationship nonsense between he and I is already becoming damaging to them. There's just so much, and I'm overwhelmed, and so exhausted and sick of doing this dance with him, always having to anticipate his next move or set myself up for emotional chaos.

I don't know what to do, and am in shock, and feeling hopeless at times, and trapped by my own feelings and choices up until this point. So I am here, and not sure what to expect. Hopefully I can offer some support to others too.

Thank you for listening.      

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   



I wanted to say hi and welcome you to the forums. Your situation sounds similar to many people that post here. It is tough place to be, especially when there are kids involved.

When I found this forum, I started out relieved to feel like I finally found some answers. Then I went through a whole host of other emotions as I processed the information presented and tried to get a grip on things. The best place to start is the lessons that you can find down the right side of this forum. I have been on this site for almost a year and I am still finding helpful tidbits of information. And, there are things that I am still trying to process and figure out.

It can be a long process, especially if you are trying to figure out how to stay!

[Theo41]

Abigale68, thanks for sharing ur situation. Many of us are caught or were caught in a similar situation . Unfortunately BPD is difficult to treat but there is a program or two that can be very helpful: this site, DBT Therapy, Alanon and or CODA.

I use this site and Alanon... .both with success.

Most important are the children . When ours were growing up I knew very little about what was going on and how devastating it was for our two boys. I figured she's always fighting with me not them, so that made it ok in my mind. The truth is that kids think two things

1. If Mom callsDad a Turkey or a trouble maker, then  theyby extension am those things too.

2. they feel they must have done something wrong that created or precipitated this clash between Mom and Dad.

Both kids,despite becoming successful and independent professionals, had to seek out counseling as adults. They maintain their distance because they don't want to be around their mom (Too much disfunction and pain) . They are living well but need emotional support .

The main thing is to keep the children out of harms way. If I could live my life over again I would insist on no arguing in front of the children and no abuse of me or the kids. If this boundary were to be violated ( and there's every reason to suggest it would) I would have to leave. Hope that's helps and all best to u... Theo

[waverider]

It is hard for both us and them. A relentless cycle of expectations, unattainable goals, excuses and disappointments.

What you want is "normal" or at least approaching 'normal". What he wants is "normal", and he knows you want "normal". Unfortunately he doesn't have the tools to provide normal, and in fact not even a realistic realization that this is not achievable for him.

So he makes promises with best intentions, but can't follow through, he feels guilt and impending failure, so he wants to run from it. The disorder itself blocks responsibility and hence the ability to learn and do better next time, so failure repeats. Renforcing a "can't do" mentality.

What to do? Most likely this will be about you creating your own stability and consistency, and if he orbits around it so be it, but you will have to minimize his pull on the family dynamics. Staying centered. A mixture of acceptance and boundaries. Minimizing reactive living. You will have to make longer term plans and strategies and stick to them, and for them not to be dependent on his level of participation.

Kids need stability, so that is you main role. They can cope with eccentricity and flakiness, just so long as there is a core of stability. This is much better than conflict that can arise when you try to force something thats not going to happen.

Dysfunction does not always have to be destructive, if you can remove pressure and expectations out of it

[Abigail68]

Thank you so much for your support and heartfelt responses - it was so nice to read them. It can be a very alienating experience to be close to someone with BPD when they are "heightened", and it was incredibly comforting to know there are others out there who have shared similar experiences. Waverider, your words actually gave me a lot of insight and sparked enough strength in me to end the relationship as a romantic partnership, and now we are working on just co-parenting and friendship. In some ways things are much calmer, but I feel like I've been through a hurricane and am actually a bit disoriented, trying my best to stay focused on my kids, work, moments... .but at the end of the day, when things quiet down, I see how much damage has been done, and how much healing I need to do. I am very appreciative of what you all do here and have great respect. Now that things are in a different place for me, I'm going to come back to the site more often. So again, thank you.