Day 4 NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

I'm day 4 NC after ending my BPD r/s. I know that if I go back nothing will change and I will lead a substandard life in terms of a fulfilling r/s. I was never cheated on, my ex is getting help, accepts responsibility but says she has not control over her unreasonable  behaviour (soley dieected at me). I know any T will take years to have any impact. Its  taking everything I have not to call her and say I made a mistake. There are already signs that she has deleted me from her life so going back now may not even be an option. I just don't think I can go through life without her. I love and miss her so much. I feel like I'm being torn in half and I've never know pain like this. I keep thinking if I feel this strongly I should go back. I know I sound pathetic.

Has anyone been in this situation that can offer any advice?

L

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I'm day 4 NC after ending my BPD r/s. I know that if I go back nothing will change and I will lead a substandard life in terms of a fulfilling r/s. I was never cheated on, my ex is getting help, accepts responsibility but says she has not control over her unreasonable  behaviour (soley dieected at me). I know any T will take years to have any impact. Its  taking everything I have not to call her and say I made a mistake. There are already signs that she has deleted me from her life so going back now may not even be an option. I just don't think I can go through life without her. I love and miss her so much. I feel like I'm being torn in half and I've never know pain like this. I keep thinking if I feel this strongly I should go back. I know I sound pathetic.

Has anyone been in this situation that can offer any advice?

L

[rotiroti]

Sorry to hear you're going through the hardest part Loosestrife. I don't know the details to your relationship, but I think you already know the answer you are seeking:

I know that if I go back nothing will change and I will lead a substandard life in terms of a fulfilling r/s.

I wish I had that kind of insight on Day 4.

As cliche as it sounds time really is the best healer. I knew I would cave and knew that n/c would work best for me, so I went and deleted anything that would remind me of the relationship. Gifts, social media, phone numbers (i blocked them), you name it. Yes it may be a bit overboard but it worked for me. Really allowed me along the path of detaching. I know if I were to choose to be a friend down the road I could open up some channels of communication.

Oh and you wrote this in another thread of yours:

I do not want to live like this.

It is not noble to stay with someone if it is adding to their suffering.

I need to heal and regain a healthy perspective on life and strive for happiness in myself.

[Kelly123]

I applaud you for making it to day 4. I have tried to leave twice now one time I actually made it to a different country spent 2 weeks crying then went straight back to him. The second time I knew I had to leave I got as far as reaching out to some people and staying 1 night in a hotel before loneliness isolation and guilt sent me straight back. The pain from separation was so bad I felt sick I couldn't eat or sleep. I wish that day I had stuck it through I wish I'd had support and somewhere else to go. I'm about to try to leave again this weekend but previous failed attempts dont give me much confidence. You are doing so much better than you think! Just hang in there time and distance will heal (for my sake I hope I can remember that too)

[sas1729]

Hey Loosestrife!

Wow I think at day 4 you have a very logical outlook that I feel will power you through this. I think at day 4 for me I was a wreck. I bounce between feelings of determination, freedom, to loneliness and regret. It was up and down.

I did what rotiroti did. I got rid of the physical reminders of the relationship. The sentimental gifts were hard to get rid of. But for me the act of actually dropping a gift into the trash showed me that this decision was final. I remember the gifts but they are gone and there is no getting them back, just like the relationship. And the truth is that you can go through life without your ex. I know it sounds like nonsense right now. But the fact that you recognize that you can have a better relationship can help convince you that you don't need your ex to be happy. I really think that if you were devoted and caring to your ex then you can find someone who will return that love to you.

One more thing. My ex was never diagnosed. She showed the traits of BPD (albeit not to the same intensity that I've read about on this forum). Your ex is getting therapy for it! Maybe in some way by sticking to NC you are actually helping her to pursue her therapy. By all accounts what I have read and been told (by my own therapist) treatment for BPD takes years. By exiting her life you may have given her the boost she needs to commit to her therapy. So it's possible that you are helping her in turn. You may be able to look back on this decision as a win for yourself and possibly a win for her.

Stick at it! You're doing great! Time does help. Right now you need to find yourself again through friends, family, and hobbies. Take pride in your decision (it is a very difficult one) and take pride in yourself.

[Lucky Jim]

I know that if I go back nothing will change and I will lead a substandard life in terms of a fulfilling r/s.

Hey Loosestrife, I admire you for making the break.  By letting go of your old r/s, you are making room for another, more fulfilling r/s in the future, which I predict will lead to greater happiness.  It's hard, I understand, when you are going through the withdrawal symptoms.  Exercise is a good way to reduce stress and keep obsessive thoughts in check.  Meditation helps, too.  Hang in there!

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

I agree with everyone else.  Time will help.  Keep yourself busy and put extra energy into taking good care of yourself.  Get lots of sleep and rest and do things you enjoy.  Exercise and a healthy diet will also go a long way until you don't feel that pull to get back into the relationship.  Remind yourself every day what you DON'T want and start to formulate what you DO want in a relationship while you heal.   

[Loosestrife]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I am trying to stay strong. I don't feel able to throw gifts away, they mean so much to me. :'(

[Michelle27]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I am trying to stay strong. I don't feel able to throw gifts away, they mean so much to me. :'(

Maybe don't throw them away, but put them away somewhere out of sight.  You can always decide something different later.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I am trying to stay strong. I don't feel able to throw gifts away, they mean so much to me. :'(

Maybe don't throw them away, but put them away somewhere out of sight.  You can always decide something different later.

Thanks, I will try this.

I'm finding it hard to even get out of bed today.

[Michelle27]

Aww.  I am sorry to hear that.  Try to focus on taking care of you today.  Do something you love that has no association with her.  Honestly, time will heal.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Loosestrife, Sorry to hear, though I think physical exhaustion is normal after all you've been through.  Listen to your body.  Agree w/Michelle27: be good to yourself.  LuckyJim

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Stay strong! I'm on day 12 and I find myself blocking and unblocking her number. Hating her and then wishing she would call me or text me. But I refuse to text her, I promised myself I wouldn't do it.

It sounds like you know (like me) that this is the right thing in the long run.

It helps to talk about it, it helps to say everything she did and said to me out loud so I can hear those hurtful words over and over. It keeps me from texting her and it keeps her number blocked.

Until I get that empty feeling and come on here to read peoples stories.

[Loosestrife]

Stay strong! I'm on day 12 and I find myself blocking and unblocking her number. Hating her and then wishing she would call me or text me. But I refuse to text her, I promised myself I wouldn't do it.

It sounds like you know (like me) that this is the right thing in the long run.

It helps to talk about it, it helps to say everything she did and said to me out loud so I can hear those hurtful words over and over. It keeps me from texting her and it keeps her number blocked.

Until I get that empty feeling and come on here to read peoples stories.

I can relate to this. I'm sorry you are going through it too. Today I've drafted a 'I've made a terrible mistake email' to my ex but managed to not send it. I've typed dozens of texts, but and then deleted them. I feel like I could break NC so easily and the only thing that is stopping me is that she has probably moved on already (yes, after 5 days) and I will just get a proverbial slap in the chops.

[Lucky Jim]

Today I've drafted a 'I've made a terrible mistake email' to my ex but managed to not send it. I've typed dozens of texts, but and then deleted them. I feel like I could break NC so easily and the only thing that is stopping me is that she has probably moved on already

Hey Loosestrife, Perhaps it's worth considering whether you are thinking about reaching out to your Ex in order to alleviate your pain, whereas maybe your task is to go "through" the pain, in order to come out on the other side, which will be a much happier place.  In other words, are you seeking short term relief instead of opting for long term gain?  I understand that these are hard questions, for which there is no right or wrong answer.

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

Today I've drafted a 'I've made a terrible mistake email' to my ex but managed to not send it. I've typed dozens of texts, but and then deleted them. I feel like I could break NC so easily and the only thing that is stopping me is that she has probably moved on already

Hey Loosestrife, Perhaps it's worth considering whether you are thinking about reaching out to your Ex in order to alleviate your pain, whereas maybe your task is to go "through" the pain, in order to come out on the other side, which will be a much happier place.  In other words, are you seeking short term relief instead of opting for long term gain?  I understand that these are hard questions, for which there is no right or wrong answer.

LuckyJim

I absolutely agree with this.  Going "through the pain" is the only way to get through it.  I only realize now that I was working my way through it for a long time (probably the past year or two) and couldn't end things for good until I had gone through it. 

Keep yourself busy with unrelated things that don't remind you of the things you did during the relationship. Honestly, it helps.

[Loosestrife]

Hi Luckyjim

I think I could get through the it if I could just let go, but it's the relationship I want in the long term even though I know it's no good for me. I just keep trying to think how I might be able to make it work. I feel like I'm going nuts and I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

[sweetheart]

Hi L,

Letting go happens as time passes, it is not something that can be actively done. The difficulty with relationships ending is how much time letting go takes, and of course it's different for all of us.

Writing the texts and emails but not sending them is a positive way of staying with NC, but also acknowledging your need to reach out.

Remember there are no hard and fast rules to endings, no rights or wrongs, endings are what they need to be during any given moment in time; different for each of us.

Who do you have around you that knows how difficult things have been for you then and now?

Be kind to yourself.   

[Lucky Jim]

it's the relationship I want in the long term even though I know it's no good for me. I just keep trying to think how I might be able to make it work.

Hey Loosestrife, You have expressed what I regard as the paradox of a BPD r/s, which is that we know it's unhealthy, yet we still want to participate in it.  In that sense, it's like an addiction, from which you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms.  You could say that you are craving another hit.

Leaving is hard, no doubt, but you've taken the first step.  There's a famous haiku poem about how the snail climbs Mt. Fuji: "but slowly, slowly.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[itgirl]

Hope today is going better for you.  You might think that you ex has moved on already but that probably not the case.  If she is spending time with someone she is probably talking/obsessing about you.  This is not something you can control so you will have to try to not think about her moving on.  I always tell myself that she will never be happy.  Whoever she is with.

That is sad but it makes things better for me. 

stay strong.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks all. This is a rubhish place to be, but I am so grateful for all of your suppor.

L