're post do I reach out to my ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, I first want to thank everyone on here for the support and even just posting your stories. It has been a tremendous crutch in this healing process... seeking answers and understanding, being able to relate to similar experiences. I will give a quick breakdown of my story, and then propose my question. Thanks so much for reading...

   So, I posted before about my more or less "common" BPD relationship. The most connected I have ever felt, talk of growing old together for years, right up until the end when one frustrated call caused her to do a 180. No closure, no empathy or explanation. Just another guy immediately.

   As everyone else on here, I was shattered,shocked, no answers and couldnt make sense of it. I did the no contact thing for the first 2 months after my initial pleas and questioning following the break up. I just couldnt shake it though, I was in such despair. I broke down and emailed her asking "why?" How could she be so cold, and punishing, no closing words after years of professing love and soul mates, etc. I wasnt cruel, but made her feel bad that she could treat someone that way, let alone me who had been there for her in dark times. This made her feel shameful and so she called. She gave me a bunch of bs reasoning again, but I was able to look back clearly now and tell her I saw past the crap, and nothing justifies what she did, that I was nothing but good to her. She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD. She was receptive as she knows something isnt right. She asked how it would affect her boys, etc. She even said thank you for planting the seed.

   I felt good, like I had my closure. Two days later, I hit a low that I have NEVER experienced. I was in the fetal position in my bed in a darkness. I am sad to admit that I turned suicidal and wrote her another email. I said she should know what she did to me, she should feel the guilt. She ended up calling me, which I ignored for a while, I was just blank and didnt care anymore. I eventually answered and she was frantic, wanting to help, calling my family etc. It was a big ordeal, but it lead to my actual closure. I asked her why again, how I meant nothing so quickly and how I was suicidal and she mourned none, had another man.

  She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD... .she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.

     I literally went from staring at a bottle of aspirin I was going to consume, to immense empathy and compassion for this woman I cared for so much for so long. It was no longer about my hurt, but the realization and understanding of what she is going through. I have read so much on what its like for them, and although their actions to us nons are cruel, and lack empathy, I realize she is in survival mode under the mask, and she is not thinking of my feelings. The next guy is feeding her need for affection when she thought I would leave.

   Now my question, do I reach out and help? Offer to be a support in any way, tell her again about seeking help for BPD? Let her know Im not mad, just care for her as a person, as always.  Perhaps I am too kind, but I cant bear the thought that she is suffering daily and I am prob the only one who has seen that deeply and know how to help. There is a high suicide rate with BPD as well, and I dont know that I could deal with that knowing I didnt try. She was receptive before, and it has to come from within her... but I want to write her a letter after things have cooled down (she blocked me on FB after the suicidal thing) and tell her Im still the caring man I always was, and that she doesnt have to be ashamed or feel vulnerable with me. Let her know I see how she feels.  I just KNOW for a fact that she felt more comfortable with me than anyone else ever(she would tell her sisters, and they told me), I also know the extreme, unusual circumstances in the end lead her to telling me about the self loathing all her life.

    I know there is a lot of hurt nons on this forum, but I dont view her in an angry manner as I did now that I see the true hurting girl inside. I want nothing more than to be a support to her in this endeavor also. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from BPD sufferers. Thanks!

[molitor]

Hi all, I first want to thank everyone on here for the support and even just posting your stories. It has been a tremendous crutch in this healing process... seeking answers and understanding, being able to relate to similar experiences. I will give a quick breakdown of my story, and then propose my question. Thanks so much for reading...

   So, I posted before about my more or less "common" BPD relationship. The most connected I have ever felt, talk of growing old together for years, right up until the end when one frustrated call caused her to do a 180. No closure, no empathy or explanation. Just another guy immediately.

   As everyone else on here, I was shattered,shocked, no answers and couldnt make sense of it. I did the no contact thing for the first 2 months after my initial pleas and questioning following the break up. I just couldnt shake it though, I was in such despair. I broke down and emailed her asking "why?" How could she be so cold, and punishing, no closing words after years of professing love and soul mates, etc. I wasnt cruel, but made her feel bad that she could treat someone that way, let alone me who had been there for her in dark times. This made her feel shameful and so she called. She gave me a bunch of bs reasoning again, but I was able to look back clearly now and tell her I saw past the crap, and nothing justifies what she did, that I was nothing but good to her. She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD. She was receptive as she knows something isnt right. She asked how it would affect her boys, etc. She even said thank you for planting the seed.

   I felt good, like I had my closure. Two days later, I hit a low that I have NEVER experienced. I was in the fetal position in my bed in a darkness. I am sad to admit that I turned suicidal and wrote her another email. I said she should know what she did to me, she should feel the guilt. She ended up calling me, which I ignored for a while, I was just blank and didnt care anymore. I eventually answered and she was frantic, wanting to help, calling my family etc. It was a big ordeal, but it lead to my actual closure. I asked her why again, how I meant nothing so quickly and how I was suicidal and she mourned none, had another man.

  She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD... .she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.

     I literally went from staring at a bottle of aspirin I was going to consume, to immense empathy and compassion for this woman I cared for so much for so long. It was no longer about my hurt, but the realization and understanding of what she is going through. I have read so much on what its like for them, and although their actions to us nons are cruel, and lack empathy, I realize she is in survival mode under the mask, and she is not thinking of my feelings. The next guy is feeding her need for affection when she thought I would leave.

   Now my question, do I reach out and help? Offer to be a support in any way, tell her again about seeking help for BPD? Let her know Im not mad, just care for her as a person, as always.  Perhaps I am too kind, but I cant bear the thought that she is suffering daily and I am prob the only one who has seen that deeply and know how to help. There is a high suicide rate with BPD as well, and I dont know that I could deal with that knowing I didnt try. She was receptive before, and it has to come from within her... but I want to write her a letter after things have cooled down (she blocked me on FB after the suicidal thing) and tell her Im still the caring man I always was, and that she doesnt have to be ashamed or feel vulnerable with me. Let her know I see how she feels.  I just KNOW for a fact that she felt more comfortable with me than anyone else ever(she would tell her sisters, and they told me), I also know the extreme, unusual circumstances in the end lead her to telling me about the self loathing all her life.

    I know there is a lot of hurt nons on this forum, but I dont view her in an angry manner as I did now that I see the true hurting girl inside. I want nothing more than to be a support to her in this endeavor also. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from BPD sufferers. Thanks!

[LimboFL]

Molitor,

Everything you describe is what makes this disorder heartbreaking. I knew very early on that my ex felt that way about herself and, in part, was what I fell in love with with. It took me a little bit to understand exactly where I flipped her abandonment switch but I know exactly when it was.

I am very pleased to know that empathy is your driving force, in terms of your emotions towards her. This is something I try to encourage on the board, that these are humans in pain, driven by forces that we can't imagine.

By the same token, we too are human and we too feel pain. In other words no one wins, there is heart wrenching soul crushing hurt all around, especially when our pwBPD seem to go out of their way to make us feel like we meant nothing (which we know we do). I still love my ex deeply and miss her but she crossed a boundary (lining up replacement while still with me) that I will not tolerate or accept.

As for your dilemma, ultimately you will make your own decisions, but any prolonged interaction with her will sustain your pain indefinitely. My ex reached out to me after 6 months of NC (my demand) and left a message that asking how I was and then telling me that she loved me etc. I didn't even speak with her and it threw me back into a deeply emotional state. Counter to the advice offered by some, I wrote her an email to tell her that I had hoped that we would stand the test of time, that I loved then, now and always, that I will never understand but that I had traveled a long and deeply painful journey to get to where I am now, that any communication with her would only cause me more pain and set me back, that communication had to stop with my email. I closed with telling her she always occupy a huge piece of my heart. There was a couple of other comments.

The way things ended was emotionally charged and I was neither in the space nor capable of these emotions, but now I am and I got to express them to her, which without an expectation of a response, which I didn't get, this gave me closure. I got to tell her how much I loved and missed her but that "I had to move forward and protect myself".

The catastrophically difficulty we face as lovers to pwBPD, is that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to help.  I am sure that you have read about the FOG, that is where you are and it kills. There is a huge cost, though. Almost all of us here are caregiver types, who are prepared to sacrifice ourselves to help our partners. We love them and want to do anything that we can to pull them out of the quicksand, but we just can't fix it. Even if we pull them out, temporarily, they just jump right back in, leaving us confounded. They are simply not comfortable when things are calm and peaceful, it is foreign territory and a world that sends them into deep anxiety. Yet, we will keep trying.

My only council is that you step back and consider whether or not you have the emotional strength to endure a journey down this path, of any length. She is with your replacement, to begin with. Where does he fit in this picture? This is classic triangulation but unlike some who will send "your a back up plan" your way, it sounds quite simply like heartbreaking confusion and that the replacement, as I believe mine was, is merely an escape mechanism that isn't really thought out. Nevertheless, another problem that you become is by feeling the need to help and sticking around, you become an orbiter, which is the bane of we non's existence during our relationships. It doesn't matter if you truly love her or not.

You could very well win her back, I know that I wanted it. But it will sadly never get better. You will live in pain and strife for the duration. The reunion might start off beautifully but it will slide downhill. There are countless threads on the board speaking to this.

Only you can decide, though, what the course of actions is for you. Keep coming back here for support. Good luck and stay strong!

[rotiroti]

I can't agree with LimboFL's words enough, it'll be a difficult journey and it will ultimately be your choice to make. Hang in there man!

If I remember your story, weren't you triangulated when she was trying to leave her husband? If she really is BPD can you imagine what he went through? Not to mention what she did to you when she had a replacement all lined up.

She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD.

I personally would not look too much into this. There was a thread asking if posters here ever confronted their pwBPDex about BPD. It never went well in the end and often used as part of painting the partner black.

She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it.

This must have been so painful to hear, I heard the same thing almost verbatim from my ex

That's just the thing, at this point we've become an abandonment trigger for them. When they hear from us it'll always remind of the shame, fear, and guilt. It's incredibly heartbreaking. If you really want to help the scared and hurt girl you see, you could remove one of those triggers from her life.

PS what does your mom think? That's very fortunate to have such a resource near you

[molitor]

LIMBO-  that was powerful to read, and I kind of heard what I guess I knew deep down. Its so painful as the caregiver types that we are to let go and turn our head to someone we know is suffering. The quicksand analogy was great also, and Ive read on that too. For those of us nons, that concept is hard to grasp. Im glad you got your closure in your final email to her, and I imagine I would have the same exact words to say. I already know she will maintain a spot in my heart for the rest of my days. Thank you for the words, and best of luck out there... .

NEVERAGAIN-  it made me happy you remembered my story, this forum, and everyone on it impress me daily. Yes, my mom has been my strongest resource in all of this. She always maintains the position of "whatever will help me heal and make me happiest". She works with pwBPD, but no one will know like us nons. I think Limbo struck it home, as much as we want to, there is no helping them  :'(   

[This must have been so painful to hear, I heard the same thing almost verbatim from my ex sad  :'( ]

   Brother, it almost haunts me. I so badly want to say, "but Im here, I wont abandon you"

You also said something powerful, and a perspective that I hadnt looked at it through... that I am a trigger now to her shame and pain. Wow, thats hard to hear, yet so true. Thanks for that. Best of luck to you too man.


If anyone has seen Casino Royale, Bond cant save Vesper from the cage underwater at the end... .they shared a love, she betrayed him, and yet the scene is so fitting to how I feel. The link is below, but it will def make you well up.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc6EKJ-TVys

I plan on offering support to others on here, and hope to see everyone around, thank you again so much, and take care of yourselves. Dont give up the kindness we were blessed with, but learn boundaries as I am teaching myself. Love, is out there for us, intimate, not intense love.

[LimboFL]

Molitor,

It is the toughest journey that I have been on and this is coming from someone who divorced after a 20 year relationship with the Mother of my child. But with that one, despite the pain, there was an understanding that it was time. Not the case with my ex, although there was so much strife throughout the relationship. I endured more than I should have.

Your journey of healing will be a long one but let out all of the pain. I can't even tell you how many tears I shed. I still get chocked up from time to time.

We have been robbed by a disorder but the realization does come about how much pain we, in the end, missed out on. The anguish, anxiety, anger, disbelief, mistreatment and so on. A relationship with a pwBPD is the very definition of a catch 22.

A big part of my email to her was also about ensuring that she knew that my NC was not some childish defensive jerk reaction.

I hope that we all find new loves that will love us with the same kind of love that we have to give. Until that day we soldier on and continue to repair.

Stay strong!