How PD Parents classify their kids—how to transcend labels?

[CeliaBea]

Hi All,

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the way PD parents perceive their kids influences how the children see themselves, and how unfair classifications as "black sheep", "good child" (which is hugely limiting, too) and "bad child" make it very difficult to grow up normally and develop a healthy sense of self, as well as autonomy and independence. My mother initially saw me as the "good child," but that meant that I had to exactly mirror her and her moods and suppress my own needs. It was total symbiosis. Later, she rejected me when I became rebellious. My brother, the middle child, was the black sheep. She always told him that he's a loser, that he has bad luck. He's been struggling with addiction and illness for most of his life. His alcohol problems have lately spiralled out of control, and he spent 10 days in a psychiatric clinic on suicide watch. My sister, the oldest, used to be the bad child, until I lost my "good child" status. That's when she was promoted, so to speak. Today, she's the one who looks after the parents and spends ridiculous amounts of time and money on them (giving them gift certificates for all-inclusive luxury vacation packages for Christmas, for example) and their well-being, while they show next to no concern for her….

What are your experiences with breaking free from these "categories" that our parents put us in? My mother literally brainwashed me, making me believe I was somehow challenged, behind others my age, shy, weak etc. That was horrible. I can't even imagine what my brother is going through right now; hopefully he's not thinking that our parents always 'told him so.' Also, in your experiences, for those of you who have siblings: how have these labels—good child/bad child/black sheep—shaped your relationships to brother(s) and sister(s)? Have any of you been able to maintain positive, loving relationships with your siblings?

Looking forward to your replies!

Celia

[Sunfl0wer]

I was not a golden child or a black sheep.  She treated me as insignificant.

I believe my mom saw me as incapable. (She saw most women as incapable) Her idea was that a woman needs to marry a man with money to sustain herself.  I rejected this thinking.  I surprised my FOO when I left a man, who was taking well care of me financially, because he was cheating on me with several different women.  I think they had respect for me for dating him and viewed me as having increased worth by dating him.  I think they were all shocked that I didnt stay with him.

Then, after I had my son, and I proved myself capable of caring for him, happily, on my own, I believe they were again shocked that I did not behave helpless.  I saw respect in the eyes of some of them... .their attitude changed a bit toward me.  (I was 20, a young single mom)

The dysfunction though, was too much.  I eventually severed ties with them.

[Sunfl0wer]

I can't even imagine what my brother is going through right now; hopefully he's not thinking that our parents always 'told him so.' Also, in your experiences, for those of you who have siblings: how have these labels—good child/bad child/black sheep—shaped your relationships to brother(s) and sister(s)? Have any of you been able to maintain positive, loving relationships with your siblings?

My sister was a black sheep.  She demo'd BPD traits and does have full blown BPD.  I do not speak to her as she has paranoid delusions towards me.  It is sad. I do not speak to any of our FOO, and I know they do not speak to her.  We share a history and past that only we can understand.  Her paranoia prevents us from having a r/s.  She had always been competitive toward me as a child, hating me, then wanting to hang out with me when there was no one better.  She is still this way.

[Klo]

I was the scapegoat child, and my younger brother was the golden child.

My brother has developed a fragile, covert narcissistic personality. He has a lot of pent up stress and anger most of the time, like it really shows when he is driving, for example, white knuckles and nostrils flared. He tries to always present himself as "perfect" the way he sees it, like he must be perfect. I remember when he flunked some college classes, and it was like his entire world/life was over, he had a complete meltdown, and I had to buy us some beers and talk him through it, let him know that it's okay to make mistakes and not be perfect all the time. He is a good guy and I love him dearly, but I also see him as living proof that the golden child role is not any better than the scapegoat child role, just different in how it damages a person. Lots of pressure and lots of suppressing one's true self in a desperate effort to cling to some semblance of love and approval from a parent. I can only hope that he truly does love his career choice - his true personality never seemed to matter or get a chance to surface, all that mattered was that he was the smart one and was destined to make lots of money, apparently.

I was just the loser with X, Y and Z things bad about me. So at least when I screw up or fail, it's like no big deal, like yeah well it's me and that's the way it is.

[PrettyPlease]

My brother has developed a fragile, covert narcissistic personality. ... .

[snip]... .

but I also see him as living proof that the golden child role is not any better than the scapegoat child role, just different in how it damages a person.

Yes, I'm the younger brother who was the golden one, and yes, developed covert narcissistic personality, and yes, as far as I understand (after many years of trauma and turmoil) it's no better a role. And possibly worse in some cases -- for example, my sister, who was the one in our FOO who was trashed repeatedly and could do nothing right, turned out, apparently, to be the happiest of the family.

And in terms of the original poster's question about maintaining positive, loving relationships with siblings -- ours is civil, occasionally helpful; but it easily and all-too-often reverts back to the original programming -- she resenting me if I 'make good', and me feeling superior and trying to 'help' her or tell her things that I think she should know.

I'd be interested if there are any statistics about this (seems doubtful), but my guess is that the majority of siblings from BPD/NPD FsOO have to live their lives with these roles interfering, and usually need to find other friends/support groups/surrogate families.

OTOH, the immediate aftermath of the last parent's death we went through together, and that was important and the closest we've ever been. It faded away, but still, it was important to be able to bring some things out and talk about them in a new way. And that did bond us somewhat; at least better than we had before, which was really not bonded at all, except traumatically. Which is also a bond of course. And that's what's still there, underneath, I think.

[Maisha]

I am an only child - so tend to get both the "golden child" and the "no-good child" treatment.  As I understand this disorder better, I also understand that no matter how much I do to be the "golden child" to my mother, that can turn very quickly.  For example, I buy my parents an all expenses paid holiday to Europe every single year - I've been doing this ever since I started earning my first paycheck.  But over time, my mother has simply come to expect this.  This year, she didn't even express any gratitude.  She was angry with me because I went on holiday with my husband, and didn't invite her along.  So I was golden child for a few months, and as soon as I told her that I wanted to go on holiday with my husband, that turned and she started seeing me as the neglectful, evil child.  I think the real challenge is not to let these perceptions effect us. No matter what you do, you will be cast aside as soon as you slight your parent in any way.

[CeliaBea]

Hi Sunflower,

Thanks for your post!

I was not a golden child or a black sheep.  She treated me as insignificant.

I believe my mom saw me as incapable. (She saw most women as incapable) Her idea was that a woman needs to marry a man with money to sustain herself.  I rejected this thinking.  I surprised my FOO when I left a man, who was taking well care of me financially, because he was cheating on me with several different women.  I think they had respect for me for dating him and viewed me as having increased worth by dating him.  I think they were all shocked that I didnt stay with him.

Then, after I had my son, and I proved myself capable of caring for him, happily, on my own, I believe they were again shocked that I did not behave helpless.  I saw respect in the eyes of some of them... .their attitude changed a bit toward me.  (I was 20, a young single mom)

The dysfunction though, was too much.  I eventually severed ties with them.

At times, my mother treated me as insignificant, too—even as an adult, when I came back to visit, she'd simply walk away while I had dinner and watch tv (the dining room is on one end of the house, the living room with the tv on the other). She does the exact same thing to my brother and his wife, too, as if to demonstrate how insignificant they are and how little she cares…

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Growing up like that must have been horrible. But it sounds like you found your way. It's great that you are a wonderful mom and that you were able to happily care for yourself and your child. It's pretty impressive that their attitude changed a bit! Severing ties sounds like the right step, though—I came to that point too where I couldn't handle the dysfunction any longer. It's too damaging; and in your case, why would you want all that around your child…?

Thanks again.

Celia

[CeliaBea]

Hi Klo,

Your post shows very well that even the "golden child" isn't all that lucky; the golden child grows up to be a dependent, desperate people-pleaser and compulsive helper, or, like in your brother's case, a narcissist.

I was the scapegoat child, and my younger brother was the golden child.

My brother has developed a fragile, covert narcissistic personality. He has a lot of pent up stress and anger most of the time, like it really shows when he is driving, for example, white knuckles and nostrils flared. He tries to always present himself as "perfect" the way he sees it, like he must be perfect. I remember when he flunked some college classes, and it was like his entire world/life was over, he had a complete meltdown, and I had to buy us some beers and talk him through it, let him know that it's okay to make mistakes and not be perfect all the time. He is a good guy and I love him dearly, but I also see him as living proof that the golden child role is not any better than the scapegoat child role, just different in how it damages a person. Lots of pressure and lots of suppressing one's true self in a desperate effort to cling to some semblance of love and approval from a parent. I can only hope that he truly does love his career choice - his true personality never seemed to matter or get a chance to surface, all that mattered was that he was the smart one and was destined to make lots of money, apparently.

I was just the loser with X, Y and Z things bad about me. So at least when I screw up or fail, it's like no big deal, like yeah well it's me and that's the way it is.

I keep telling myself that how our parents viewed and labelled the three of us is a reflection of them, not of us. They needed a good child, a bad child, and a scapegoat… It had nothing to do with how we really were or what we did. We were treated unfairly; their expectations of us were hugely different. As a kid, I couldn't do anything about being labelled, but at least now, as an adult, I can see the abuse for what it is.

Interestingly, both my mother and father (she has a younger sister, he has an older brother) were not favoured by their parents…

Celia

[CeliaBea]

Hi PrettyPlease,

It's interesting that your sister turned out to be the happiest in the family! I think you are right about these roles interfering—it's so difficult to become "authentic" and realize your potential if you've been labelled a certain way as a child…

"the immediate aftermath of the last parent's death we went through together, and that was important and the closest we've ever been. It faded away, but still, it was important to be able to bring some things out and talk about them in a new way. And that did bond us somewhat; at least better than we had before, which was really not bonded at all, except traumatically. Which is also a bond of course. And that's what's still there, underneath, I think."

That's very interesting—I never thought about the traumatic bond… I feel a connection with my brother, but not with my sister, who insists that our childhood was oh-so-wonderful and happy, and that our parents did their best… She's in complete denial, and I've broken off contact to her, too, not just my mother…

Celia

[CeliaBea]

Hi Maisha,

I am an only child - so tend to get both the "golden child" and the "no-good child" treatment.  As I understand this disorder better, I also understand that no matter how much I do to be the "golden child" to my mother, that can turn very quickly.  For example, I buy my parents an all expenses paid holiday to Europe every single year - I've been doing this ever since I started earning my first paycheck.  But over time, my mother has simply come to expect this.  This year, she didn't even express any gratitude.  She was angry with me because I went on holiday with my husband, and didn't invite her along.  So I was golden child for a few months, and as soon as I told her that I wanted to go on holiday with my husband, that turned and she started seeing me as the neglectful, evil child.  I think the real challenge is not to let these perceptions effect us. No matter what you do, you will be cast aside as soon as you slight your parent in any way.

Being an only child and going back and forth between "golden child" and "bad child" must have been hard! You are so right: it's never enough. I used to visit my mother, I bought expensive (and thoughtful) presents, but she often felt slighted. Whatever I did just wasn't good enough.

Celia

[Proboscidea]

I'm the black sheep. My siblings think I make up that I was abused . At least by mom. I am gone from that mess. Forever. I will make my own family.