Questioning yourself...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months now and she from day 1 has been telling my exBPDgf was mentally abusive and I needed to get out.

I finally left three weeks ago and I am starting to question now... what if it's me? What if I am the one who is BPD? Clearly a mental health professional has said "You are not" but I'm sitting here torturing myself over it.

Did that happen anyone else? My Ex and I have been over three weeks now with NC for 2 weeks.

I have so many urges to contact her, but I have a great support group of friends (and now I have this message board) which pushes me towards NC is the best thing. I just feel like I'm going crazy.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months now and she from day 1 has been telling my exBPDgf was mentally abusive and I needed to get out.

I finally left three weeks ago and I am starting to question now... what if it's me? What if I am the one who is BPD? Clearly a mental health professional has said "You are not" but I'm sitting here torturing myself over it.

Did that happen anyone else? My Ex and I have been over three weeks now with NC for 2 weeks.

I have so many urges to contact her, but I have a great support group of friends (and now I have this message board) which pushes me towards NC is the best thing. I just feel like I'm going crazy.

[joeramabeme]

PX1983, this reply may sound like a repeat from my last post to you but here it is anyway; so many of us felt like that when we first started to read this board, myself included.  I still have those thoughts.

For me there are some similar traits, and doing the reading has pointed out areas I must look at.  however, when I am not emotionally overwhelmed,  I am know I am not BPD and it is unlikely you are either.  I say this because by definition BPs cannot objectively look at their behaviors, they would not see themselves as BP. 

If I tell my pwBPD that she is disordered she will very likely say; FU, you have a disorder.  A healthy person would be able to make an assessment of the validity of the statement, the fact that you can assess it, means you are not it! 

Make sense?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

It actually does. I mean, by nature I am a little bit of a control freak... I wasn't controlling to my Ex but I run a company so I am pretty controlling by nature in other aspects of my life.

All I can do right now is sit back and put the blame on me and I hate it. I hate this. I hate torturing myself and constantly asking what I did wrong. I feel like my friends are all sick of hearing it so I am trying not to bother them with my feelings at this point. Plus, they never liked anyway.

I know now this is the time for me to get someone in my life that deserves and appreciates all I have to offer them. My ex just made me feel so worthless recently.

I hate that I left her after so many promises I made to her that I would never abandon her. But, shes the one that told me we weren't working out and then turned the tables when I left claiming that I up and left her! I cried, I begged her for couples therapy but she said " No, we have fun together but in a relationship we are like a Jelly and Turkey sandwich. It just doesn't make sense. "

[joeramabeme]

It actually does. I mean, by nature I am a little bit of a control freak... I wasn't controlling to my Ex but I run a company so I am pretty controlling by nature in other aspects of my life.

All I can do right now is sit back and put the blame on me and I hate it. I hate this. I hate torturing myself and constantly asking what I did wrong. I feel like my friends are all sick of hearing it so I am trying not to bother them with my feelings at this point. Plus, they never liked anyway.

I know now this is the time for me to get someone in my life that deserves and appreciates all I have to offer them. My ex just made me feel so worthless recently.

I hate that I left her after so many promises I made to her that I would never abandon her. But, shes the one that told me we weren't working out and then turned the tables when I left claiming that I up and left her! I cried, I begged her for couples therapy but she said " No, we have fun together but in a relationship we are like a Jelly and Turkey sandwich. It just doesn't make sense. "

PX, you are deep in the throws of recovering from this.  The "I hate myself" feeling is the result of being involved with the pwBPD.  Yes, there is a pre-existing something inside of us that gets triggered, but when it is actively talking to us, unfiltered, it is out of proportion to the reality of who we are. 

You sound like a decent guy and you are here seeking help, that says an awful lot of positive about your character!  Listen to that voice, not the other one.

My wife would not take responsibility for her part of the r/s.  I knew when she asked for divorce that I would have to do the dirty work and that she would fault me for initiating and carrying through even as she made all the pathways for that to happen.  It is part of the disorder.  It may be hard to comprehend, but she is not really at fault either, for she is not truly unaware of herself.  It is not an excuse, but an explanation that helps to organize our thoughts around reality.

It is very hard to go through all of this. 

Do you think if you had taken a different approach that the outcome would be different?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I just don't know... .She was so wishy washy about me I just couldn't take it anymore. Then I had mutual friends showing me texts she sent them with horrible lies about me, these friends know me well enough to know they were lies and she's a horrible liar so she was catching herself in her own lies.

I just am seeing things differently now. How I could be a better partner to her. But, in the end is this really worth it? She used to treat me like I was everything to her... I'm just left hurting right now and physically and emotionally drained. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, eat anything... .It's so depressing. I thought time would heal but time just seems to make me miss her more.

[joeramabeme]

I just don't know... .She was so wishy washy about me I just couldn't take it anymore. Then I had mutual friends showing me texts she sent them with horrible lies about me, these friends know me well enough to know they were lies and she's a horrible liar so she was catching herself in her own lies.

I just am seeing things differently now. How I could be a better partner to her. But, in the end is this really worth it? She used to treat me like I was everything to her... I'm just left hurting right now and physically and emotionally drained. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, eat anything... .It's so depressing. I thought time would heal but time just seems to make me miss her more.

Time will heal.  But unfortunately, time takes time. 

My pwBPD treated me really well too.  The torture is in the conflicted message.  If she was always an ass, I would just leave, probably most of us here would do the same.  The difficulty is seeing the person as whole and complete as they are, all pieces of them. 

I found out in my own therapy that I had split my wife (just like she was splitting me) into a good and bad person.  I thought if I could only get her to see the bad part I would be all set.  But the reality is that she is both. 

There was a thread a while back about is BPD a disorder or characterological (meaning is it just their character).  The fact is that it is both a disorder and part of who they are.  The disorder is the person and the person is the disorder.  That is what BPD is.  Very hard to get comfortable with that emotionally. 

I still struggle with this facet but I have an analogy that works for me.  I think snow is pretty to look at but I don't like cold.  So which is it?  Pretty or cold?  BOTH!  Don't know if that helps explain it, but I dont have a better way to cushion the idea.

Keep posting and telling your story.  My friends are done listening too. That is what makes bpdfamily.com awesome, we are all in this together, you are not alone.

[SummerStorm]

I never went as far as questioning whether or not I have BPD (I'm not impulsive, I have stable relationships, I don't idealize/devalue), but I did question whether everything was my fault.  There are definitely things I could have done differently, but it wouldn't have changed anything, in the big picture.  Yes, I could have changed certain events, but the outcome would have been the same.  The only thing I probably could have salvaged was our friendship, but even that would have ended up going downhill eventually.  

I think it's important for us to focus not on whether we have BPD, since I think we all know deep down that we don't, but on what caused us to enter into a relationship with a pwBPD.  A lot of times, it's that we have some BPD traits, though they aren't as strong within us as they are in a pwBPD.  I don't have BPD, but I do have abandonment fears.  The relationships I have are stable, but I don't have any close friendships, and I would definitely describe myself as lonely.  I am also a romantic at heart, so hearing someone say "I love you" and "You're the one" was like a drug to me.  I also like being the center of attention, so having someone focus all of her energy on me (at least during the idealization stage) was exciting.  I am too trusting, too naive, too sweet.  And most importantly, I am a perfectionist.  I wanted everything to be right.  I wanted to fix her.  No, I needed to fix her.  But only she can do that.    

[OopsIDidItAgain]

You both (joe and summer) seem really calm about this and totally understanding and helpful.  That is really giving me hope through this. Thank you so much.

I keep going back and forth with contacting her, I'm scared of the rejection... I'm scared that she's already moved on while I'm sitting here a complete mess.  

Friends are telling me I can do better, I know there is someone out there more deserving of what I have to offer but right now, I don't even want to date anyone else. I don't even know if I trust myself now in picking a good partner.

[joeramabeme]

Friends are telling me I can do better, I know there is someone out there more deserving of what I have to offer but right now, I don't even want to date anyone else. I don't even know if I trust myself now in picking a good partner.

Ditto, ditto and ditto.  One friend told me to start dating to get over it, not such good advice.  I find that when I can be with myself through the rough spots that I come out the other side of it with an OK feeling.

Trusting ourselves will take time.  I went on match.com the other day and I got very depressed, so, no more of that for me for now.  Just taking it a day at a time.  I got alot on the ball, that is what our friends see and as my best friend said to me; "you just can't see it clearly at the moment, but you will".  I trust him and even if I don't see it, I believe that I will.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm terrified to go on dating sites in fear that I'll see her on there. She's not a relationship jumper more of a "fling" kind of person. I'm her longest relationship, and from what she tells me the first person she truly loved. Which I believe. She's only ever had 3 actual long term relationships.

I'm wondering if our breakup was a cry for attention that went wrong.

I know one day we'll see it. I know one day I'm going to be able to walk by her on the street with another person but right now, she's been my everything for the past 2 years. Everything reminds me of her and it's hard to just let it all go.

[SummerStorm]

There was a thread a while back about is BPD a disorder or characterological (meaning is it just their character).  The fact is that it is both a disorder and part of who they are.  The disorder is the person and the person is the disorder.  That is what BPD is.  Very hard to get comfortable with that emotionally. 

I still struggle with this facet but I have an analogy that works for me.  I think snow is pretty to look at but I don't like cold.  So which is it?  Pretty or cold?  BOTH!  Don't know if that helps explain it, but I dont have a better way to cushion the idea.

Keep posting and telling your story.  My friends are done listening too. That is what makes bpdfamily.com awesome, we are all in this together, you are not alone.

Very nice analogy.  Also, I like what you wrote in your post about it being easy to leave someone who is an ass all the time.  If my exBPD had been awful to me every single day, I would have just given up and walked away.  But there were times when we had really good conversations, and the only time she raged at me was in text messages.  Others got it in person, but she never went that far with me.  I did get the silent treatment and the angry glare, which were almost worse than raging.  We also had some fun times, and I genuinely enjoyed being in her company most of the time.  

Of course, I also know that she lied to me about 75% of the time, that she has a substance abuse problem, and that she doesn't take responsibility for her actions.  I also know that she mirrored me pretty heavily.  At the end of the day, we have very little in common, and what we do have in common is favorite TV shows, which doesn't get you very far in a relationship.  

And yes, my friends and family are also done hearing about it.    

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Of course, I also know that she lied to me about 75% of the time, that she has a substance abuse problem, and that she doesn't take responsibility for her actions.  I also know that she mirrored me pretty heavily.  At the end of the day, we have very little in common, and what we do have in common is favorite TV shows, which doesn't get you very far in a relationship.  

And yes, my friends and family are also done hearing about it.    

This sounds exactly like my relationship. Her substance abuse was getting totally out of control. Drinking every night, taking over the counter sleeping pills, stealing my anti anxiety meds, smoking pot, taking too much adderall to get her through the day... .

We were also different people, and yea like you all we had in common was we liked to do things, and TV shows.

It's hard to watch someone you love self destruct, and even harder to walk away.

[SummerStorm]

Ditto, ditto and ditto.  One friend told me to start dating to get over it, not such good advice.  I find that when I can be with myself through the rough spots that I come out the other side of it with an OK feeling.

Trusting ourselves will take time.  I went on match.com the other day and I got very depressed, so, no more of that for me for now.  Just taking it a day at a time.  I got alot on the ball, that is what our friends see and as my best friend said to me; "you just can't see it clearly at the moment, but you will".  I trust him and even if I don't see it, I believe that I will.

Yes, one of my friends encouraged me to sign up for online dating sites.  This was less than two weeks after my former friend BPD and I ended the sexual part of our relationship and just days after she tried to commit suicide.  I stupidly decided to.  eHarmony and its LGBT partner site lasted about two days.  I then spent a good twenty minutes on the phone, trying to cancel my subscription to both.  Match and OkCupid lasted a bit longer, but both of them depressed me.  Tinder is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.  Interestingly enough, my former friend BPD met her boyfriend on Tinder, and I can honestly see them getting married eventually, now that she has committed to going to therapy and getting better.

But the second a woman gave me her phone number after only exchanging two messages with me on Match, I panicked.  I doubt it was a red flag.  More than likely, she probably wanted to make sure that I'm a real person and actually a woman, but I'm someone who doesn't willingly give her phone number out, so it kind of freaked me out.  So, I made my Match profile private, got rid of OkCupid, and deleted Tinder.

For now, I've given up on dating.  I'm 29 and have never even been on a date, and up until I stupidly started sleeping with my former friend, I was perfectly content being by myself.  To me, online dating is about the most depressing thing ever, especially for a bisexual woman.  I'll stick to hanging out with my cats and reading books.  

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I hear you! I'm a lesbian and online dating is a chore. I had pretty good luck with it, met my exBPD through a friend I made on match.  I wouldn't say it's all bad, I guess different locations have different selections. A friend of mine lives in Seattle and their female dating pool is huge! I live in a pretty big city too so it's a big selection.

I'm good at dating, It's just depressing to think when I'm ready I'm going to be doing it again.

I worry about this... .I worry I'm going to date someone and she's going to come back in my life and I'll be weak. She loves attention and gets jealous so I'm scared my new romance will become a game to her.

I feel so horrible thinking these things but... .I know her.

[SummerStorm]

Of course, I also know that she lied to me about 75% of the time, that she has a substance abuse problem, and that she doesn't take responsibility for her actions.  I also know that she mirrored me pretty heavily.  At the end of the day, we have very little in common, and what we do have in common is favorite TV shows, which doesn't get you very far in a relationship.  

And yes, my friends and family are also done hearing about it.    

This sounds exactly like my relationship. Her substance abuse was getting totally out of control. Drinking every night, taking over the counter sleeping pills, stealing my anti anxiety meds, smoking pot, taking too much adderall to get her through the day... .

We were also different people, and yea like you all we had in common was we liked to do things, and TV shows.

It's hard to watch someone you love self destruct, and even harder to walk away.

She hid a lot of things from me, but I knew.  She always drank a lot, but it was like she couldn't actually be in my house without grabbing a drink from the fridge.  If there wasn't one in the fridge, she was fine with drinking a warm one.  Now, I'm not a big drinker, and the strongest stuff I have is Angry Orchard, so she never really got drunk.  It was more the fact that she would walk in the door, put her stuff down, and grab a drink.  Her boyfriend also likes to drink, so she spent a majority of her weekends drunk.  

Later on, she back into smoking pot when her boyfriend stupidly suggested that they smoke it.  I've accepted the fact that she chose him over me, and he does really love her, but that's something that pisses me off more than anything.  She hadn't done any drugs for a few years, but as soon as he smoked with her once, she was hooked again.  And she got mean and angry when she smoked.  She was getting high 3-4 times a day, and she started coming in to work late, looking disheveled, smelling of too much perfume, trying to mask the smell of pot.  

She has a prescription for sleeping pills, and she absolutely cannot go without them.  She actually has a panic attack if she tries to go a night without taking one.  

She also smokes cigarettes, and that grossed me out.  It's funny how pwBPD can make us forget everything we said we didn't want in a romantic partner.  I always said I would never date a smoker.  In fact, I don't even like being friends with smokers.  But there I was, having sex with one and letting her kiss me after she had smoked.  

She also has a prescription for adderall, but she rarely took them.  Those were what she saved up for when she tried to commit suicide.  She ended up taking about 40 of them.  

[SummerStorm]

I hear you! I'm a lesbian and online dating is a chore. I had pretty good luck with it, met my exBPD through a friend I made on match.  I wouldn't say it's all bad, I guess different locations have different selections. A friend of mine lives in Seattle and their female dating pool is huge! I live in a pretty big city too so it's a big selection.

I live in a small town, and I just keep getting the same 20 or so matches on every site.  I think it's pointless to search for someone who is more than about 50 miles away, and even that's stretching it, since I'm a teacher and work for me doesn't just go from 7-3.  Often, I'm grading at home long after I've left the school. 

It also doesn't help that I'm 29 and have no dating experience.  I think a lot of women are also turned off by the fact that I'm a teacher and can't be as open with my sexuality as other people.  I work at a school where the local gay/straight alliance was challenged by a group of parents for hanging up signs in the school. 

A lot of men see that I'm bisexual and automatically think that means that they will get to have a threesome, so I've pretty much stopped looking for men online. 

[ljuls]

wow, all of this, that all of you have written, could be me. my life. I said that to my dr. once, how it is interesting that although disordered people are completely different... .sex, personality, background, education, etc., the behaviors are basically textbook.

like some of you, I have quite a few BPD traits. some strong, some not so much. As I told Joe, I'm also an empath, very sensitive, and feel the emotions and vibes of most everyone that I meet as though they are tangible, and could be touched. Also diagnosed, and take medication for ADHD. Quite a mix.

I have strugged a lot with all of this with my ex. For quite a while, I didn't care if I didn't wake up in the morning. Wished for it. Now, I'm just working to regain my sense of self, and feel like me again. I have lost a lot, but gained so much as well. Self awareness, compassion, and a definitely knowledge of what i do not want when i venture out and test the relationship waters again, if i do. right now it's not even on my radar. i just couldn't.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm not heavy drinker so having someone who likes to be drunk all the time and would actually get annoyed if I didn't drink with her was annoying for the past two years. She would say "don't judge me but I need this tonight"  really? You need to be drunk all the time? Sometimes she would claim she wouldn't drink and I would wake up to an empty wine bottle on the counter and spilled wine because she never cleaned up after herself.

I'm actually finding myself bored not being her constant caretaker. Like I'm finding myself unsure of what to do with myself now that I don't have a person to constantly clean up after.

I'm trying to find me now, do things for me now but all I can is workout and sleep. I've gone out with friends a couple times a week but I feel like such a downer.

A friend of mine told me to stop wasting my time being sad "you damn will know she's not at home dwelling on it" then I got all paranoid wondering what she knew, what is my ex out

There doing? I stupidly looked at her Instagram and she's not posting anything that indicates she's with another person. But still... .I ended up deleting the IG app off my phone so I don't obsess about what she's doing.

My biggest thing is wondering why she's not contacting me. I gave her so much and she's acting like everything is fine?  I just feel so disgustingly used. It has taught me

Though my next girlfriend is going to be someone indipendant, with a full time job and a certai career path.

One of the last things my BPDex said to me when he needed was "awesome... Now I actually need to work full time now" that hurt the most. Then she asked me for $50.00 since I wasn't going to be around... .I stupidly gave it to her.

[confusedwoman]

Hi PX1983,

I'm feeling pretty similar to you right now. I've been questioning myself a lot lately, and thinking about the way that I contributed (both positively and negatively) to my relationship with my exBPD bf. Obviously it's probably a good thing to self-reflect and so on, but I know that I also find myself wondering what else I could have done to make things better. What's more, I'm now wondering what I CAN do in the event that my ex and I get back together. Logically, I know it may not be the best idea for us to be together, but I've been trying for it, and these attempts are encouraged by the idea that if we were together again, I would know what to do. I've been practicing radical acceptance and observing other friends and couples' relationships to see how they cope with things, and I feel like I know how to apply those tactics now. But a part of me also feels that, even if our dynamic were to change due to my shift in attitude and expectations, there would still be the likelihood that my ex would create a way to muck it up.

I know it's probably a slippery slope to be on, this one. But, for now, do you feel better seeing things was as opposed to being possibly angry/resentful toward your ex?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I think my anger towards her now has shifted to sadness. How terrible I feel that the person I love needs to have BPD. She has to be suffering. As much as I may be questioning myself, I do not see the traits in myself that she had.

I wonder how I could have been a better partner, been more understanding and a better communicator.

For my own sanity, I needed to leave when she told me to. I don't know if she really wanted me to leave or not but I am human and as understanding as I have tried to be, I do have a breaking point where my temper can come out. I should have known to control it but how can you control it when you're being pushed and pushed.

[whitebackatcha]

I don't have BPD, but I do have abandonment fears.  The relationships I have are stable, but I don't have any close friendships, and I would definitely describe myself as lonely.  I am also a romantic at heart, so hearing someone say "I love you" and "You're the one" was like a drug to me.  I also like being the center of attention, so having someone focus all of her energy on me (at least during the idealization stage) was exciting.  I am too trusting, too naive, too sweet.  And most importantly, I am a perfectionist.  I wanted everything to be right.  I wanted to fix her.  No, I needed to fix her.  But only she can do that.    

You sound almost exactly like me. The only difference is that I have developed some close friends as a reaction to the realization that when pwBPD needed her "space," I had no one because I had put all my time into her. I really wonder how the perfectionist part fits into my situation. I feel like it is more than just needing to fix.

[whitebackatcha]

I'm actually finding myself bored not being her constant caretaker. Like I'm finding myself unsure of what to do with myself now that I don't have a person to constantly clean up after.

... .


My biggest thing is wondering why she's not contacting me. I gave her so much and she's acting like everything is fine?  I just feel so disgustingly used.

I don't know that I was her caretaker, but I not having her as the center of my universe feels uncomfortable. Codependency feels comfortable.   I'm trying to start having a life, having my own interests, and it's been okay, but wow, overall? My life is pretty boring.

It's been 12 days since she said she was done, 10 days since we talked (and things seemed almost okay, workable). I deactivated Facebook that night to get away from a lot of things, told her about it, and now really wonder if she felt abandoned. I tried to ignore the ST, but yesterday decided I had more anxiety worrying I had sent a mixed message than I did with the ST, so I contacted her via text. No response. She's ended it many times, but never like this. I actually thought she would never truly leave. Now, yes, how can she throw away almost two years, and more intimacy than either of us have probably ever had with someone else? I can't even think about what I would do if I found out she was rebounding. It's part of why I haven't reactivated. I'll end up asking mutual friends, and what good will that do?