Overwhelmed By The Horrific Revenge Extracted by BPD/NPD Ex BF

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been struggling with the break up of my relationship with my ex for 7 months. The events that have occurred are so over the top that it is difficult to grasp and fathom the amount of hatred or whatever it is that went in to all of this. I have quite a few BPD characteristics but have done a lot of work and am usually able to think about and control my outward behavior, anger, etc and do not(usually) have the frantic reaction to abandonment that I witnessed with my ex.

Deterioration began with a rational request made to my ex for a little bit more help with the business that we had started. Request was stated respectfully, with the reason being I would love to have more time to enjoy my life and mostly, my relationship with him. Was taken as an insult, although not verbalized as such. Feelings were shown in subtle acting out ex: not recognizing my birthday, no more talk of joint goals, etc. In September there was a violent incident at our house while I was not at home. Ex said that my son challenged him, and that he hit him once realized what he was doing and backed off. Ex played it perfectly, calm, rational in his behavior and explanation after I bailed him out of jail. Months later, the truth: Discovered that ex attacked my son and beaten him badly while he was sitting down, putting on a large ring beforehand to inflict more damage. I had asked my son not to come home, believing that he was at fault.

The end: Shortly after this incident, another imagined slight. Wanted my 401K to fund a new place to live. I disagreed, and respectfully stated that we should try to work a little harder, save more, spend less. Again, no discussion of feelings. Ex began at this time(I discovered later) to plot, stash money, and steal from me, and my grown children.

Behavior deteriorated over the next three months. Delusional, swung back and forth between hostile and loving. Very little contribution to our business. Full conversations with himself, lines of conversation that made no sense at all and may as well have been spoken in Chinese. No self confidence, sought my approval for just about everything, frustration level at boiling level a lot of the time. Other times, almost normal. Talk of future events together, compliments to me, etc. Had a blowout, I found out the truth about a lot his actions, that my bank accounts were empty or overdrawn, and that he had moved all but basic necessities out of our home sometime prior to that night. He was out, I asked him not to come home. After that... .the revenge continued. It has been brutal. Falsely acquired restraining/harassment orders, a smear campaign to end all campaigns, no contact except for harassing hang up calls from an anonymous number to me at work, no caller ID, and the selling of my possessions right in front of my eyes, on eBay. Should also add that I have a lot of empath, as well.

Thoughts?

[ljuls]

I've been struggling with the break up of my relationship with my ex for 7 months. The events that have occurred are so over the top that it is difficult to grasp and fathom the amount of hatred or whatever it is that went in to all of this. I have quite a few BPD characteristics but have done a lot of work and am usually able to think about and control my outward behavior, anger, etc and do not(usually) have the frantic reaction to abandonment that I witnessed with my ex.

Deterioration began with a rational request made to my ex for a little bit more help with the business that we had started. Request was stated respectfully, with the reason being I would love to have more time to enjoy my life and mostly, my relationship with him. Was taken as an insult, although not verbalized as such. Feelings were shown in subtle acting out ex: not recognizing my birthday, no more talk of joint goals, etc. In September there was a violent incident at our house while I was not at home. Ex said that my son challenged him, and that he hit him once realized what he was doing and backed off. Ex played it perfectly, calm, rational in his behavior and explanation after I bailed him out of jail. Months later, the truth: Discovered that ex attacked my son and beaten him badly while he was sitting down, putting on a large ring beforehand to inflict more damage. I had asked my son not to come home, believing that he was at fault.

The end: Shortly after this incident, another imagined slight. Wanted my 401K to fund a new place to live. I disagreed, and respectfully stated that we should try to work a little harder, save more, spend less. Again, no discussion of feelings. Ex began at this time(I discovered later) to plot, stash money, and steal from me, and my grown children.

Behavior deteriorated over the next three months. Delusional, swung back and forth between hostile and loving. Very little contribution to our business. Full conversations with himself, lines of conversation that made no sense at all and may as well have been spoken in Chinese. No self confidence, sought my approval for just about everything, frustration level at boiling level a lot of the time. Other times, almost normal. Talk of future events together, compliments to me, etc. Had a blowout, I found out the truth about a lot his actions, that my bank accounts were empty or overdrawn, and that he had moved all but basic necessities out of our home sometime prior to that night. He was out, I asked him not to come home. After that... .the revenge continued. It has been brutal. Falsely acquired restraining/harassment orders, a smear campaign to end all campaigns, no contact except for harassing hang up calls from an anonymous number to me at work, no caller ID, and the selling of my possessions right in front of my eyes, on eBay. Should also add that I have a lot of empath, as well.

Thoughts?

[joeramabeme]

ljuls, my immediate and most overwhelming thought from reading your post is; betrayal!

Given that he is physically abusive, are you in a safe place?  Same question for your son.

Assuming you are physically safe, have you confronted him with all this information that you have?  I assume that some of this is being discovered post his moving?

You mentioned empathic.  I was reading about how we non's have a strong tendency towards care taking others.  One of the care taking qualities is that we are highly sensitive and therefore, empathic.  We feel that we are helping someone out or rescuing them.  When we are in r/s with a pwBPD things are never that straightforward.  Our empathy tends to make us susceptible to being in r/s with these people.

How long were you together and do you still have your home?

[ljuls]

We were together as a couple for four years. Friends, and casual partners before that with an undeniable connection and draw to one another for a total of nine years.

Betrayal? Ya think? wowosh, huh? That almost killed me. Literally.

I am still in the house that we shared but need to move. Landlord wants to sell.

Safe? From a person who has no boundaries, as he does not, no where is safe. I am not afraid(it is my nature) of him, and my gut tells me that he is a coward. Everything that he has done was behind my back. He also cannot deal with confrontation, whereas I am an upfront person. He did not appear in court for the two bogus orders that he took out. They were thrown out, but of course are still on my record. He has since been arrested and charged with two counts of felony larceny for the theft of our things, money, etc. I reached out to him months before the arrest, offering to accept back whatever he had left and had not sold. no questions asked, no discussion on the matter to anyone, so that we could move on. i got no response.

He has not communicated with me since that night, except via calls to my place of employment from a blocked number using his computer. Hangs on the line in silence. I tried to speak once, he hung up immediately. Those calls ended in april, when the police finally caught up with him for an interview and he realized that he wasn't walking away from what he did scott free. They began again at the six month mark of our break up. Not sure if it was that or if I had angered him by calling him out to a mutual acquaintance. Those stopped as well, when I called him out on facebook for it. Had enough, and my coworkers don't need to deal with his nonsense. I have since blocked him on facebook as well. I vowed not to since my profile is, and always has been public, but didn't want to deal with the occasional photo posted publicly by him to get under my skin or whatever his logic is. I have my theories, he is, and always has been very transparent to me. I always told him, "you can't kid a kidder". It is just sad. I am sad for him. He tried so hard, and had done so well in moving towards being a decent person. At this juncture with all of the dishonesty, etc it was in vane and he seems content to live as a dishonest dirt bag.

I still miss him, the good parts, every day and would give anything to undo it. I'm not sure if it was the imagined slights, or the beating of my son, knowing that i would eventually discover the truth, and that the end of our nice life together was near, or both. I no longer "feel" him, as I used to. Feel his energy in my solar plexis. When he reactivated his facebook account after 3.5 yrs dormant, i felt him coming two hours before in my chest. The next time I opened facebook, he literally popped up in my face as "people that i might know" hows that for strange?

[joeramabeme]

I am sad for him. He tried so hard, and had done so well in moving towards being a decent person. At this juncture with all of the dishonesty, etc it was in vane and he seems content to live as a dishonest dirt bag.

Can you relate to the the care taking?  Sounds like your ex was a needy person and that you deeply cared for him but that he was in need of someone to provide support?

I still miss him, the good parts, every day and would give anything to undo it. I'm not sure if it was the imagined slights, or the beating of my son, knowing that i would eventually discover the truth, and that the end of our nice life together was near, or both.

Just an observation here, "I still miss him, the good parts". . . "the beating of my son" . . . "our nice life together". 

This sounds like a disconnect.  What parts are you missing?  Companionship?  The intensity of the relationship?  Can you explain more?