I want to be free

[going places]

I want to let this all go.

I want to rid myself of all resentment, anger, (even if it is justified), bitterness.

I want to be able to wish the ex and our daughter well, and mean it.

I want to look at the past and just shake my head and say "that's a shame" and that's it!

When someone asks, I want to just say "they chose a different path" and that's it.

When someone asks, I want to say "I love my daughter, with all my being, and when she is ready, I am here for her" and that's it and mean it.

I need for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

I want for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

How how how how how do I do this?

I don't want to wade thru mountains of pop-psych lingo and garble.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person no one wants to be around.

I don't want to be that girl.

Please help

[BorisAcusio]

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time and feel like you're not coping well. Turning the gaze outwards, focusing on how you've been wronged will keep you stuck in anger rumination stage. Right now you need to address your own behaviour, taking an introspective stance and examine what unresolved issues brought you to the relationship in the first place. These issues won't be resolved overnight, but there are deep connections to be made that are well worth the effort.

Do you have a T? A good therapist could help you untangle your thoughts and feelings that might be too overwhelming to deal with on your own.

[fromheeltoheal]

I NEED for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

I WANT for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

Nice Going!  Great focus on your needs and wants.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

- Develop a strong vision for an empowered future

- Direct all your focus and intent towards it

- Act!  Take steps in that direction, one step at a time, one day at a time

- Notice progress, which builds momentum

- Live that life all the way

- Let the past fade

[jhkbuzz]

I want to let this all go.

I want to rid myself of ALL resentment, anger, (even if it is justified), bitterness.

I want to be able to wish the ex and our daughter well, AND MEAN IT.

I want to look at the past and just shake my head and say "that's a shame" and THAT'S IT!

When someone asks, I want to just say "they chose a different path" and THAT'S IT.

When someone asks, I want to say "I love my daughter, with all my being, and when she is ready, I am here for her" AND THAT'S IT AND MEAN IT.

I NEED for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

I WANT for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW do I do this?

I don't want to wade thru mountains of pop-psych lingo and garble.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person no one wants to be around.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL.

Please help

Good for you for wanting to heal and move forward!  

It's easy to focus on "their" behavior in the aftermath of the r/s - due to the disorder, their behavior is often more negative and "over the top."

Your ability to let go begins when you can shift the focus on YOURSELF - not to blame, but to understand the dynamics that drew YOU to the r/s and kept you there. You may discover that there are multi-layered reasons, not a single one. Self discovery (and a focus on the future, to echo H2H) is the way out of the maze.

I just read your first posts. You are a little over a year out of a 25 year marriage.  There is no timetable for healing, that's a long marriage and you're not "falling behind" because you're not "done" yet.  :)on't put that kind of pressure on yourself. As much as you may want one, there are no 'instant' solutions. You need to take the time to grieve the r/s properly - you can't speed up the 5 stages of grief.

In one of your first posts you said, "I just want to get as far away from all of this as I can AND heal AND learn why I accepted the garbage I did for so long and HOW NOT to ever, ever, ever be with someone like that again."

Have you tried working through these feelings with a therapist post b/u?

[Skip]

My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person no one wants to be around.

I don't want to be that girl.

Please help

Right between the eyes? Is it possible that you are blinded with resentment and righteousness? It may be justifiable, but is it helping you?

How how how how how do I do this?

I don't want to wade thru mountains of pop-psych lingo and garble.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

I sense (from reading your posts) that you are rejecting both faith and psychology tenets because they conflict with feelings of resentment and righteousness that you can't let go of.

Maybe you simply don't want to (or are not ready) to change the very things that are causing the problems.



Mod note: Let us know if you want to move this to personal inventory.

[Sunfl0wer]

It is a healthy thing that you can aknowlege that the anger is harming you.  I have seen many not get past their anger.

Sometimes though, we direct anger at another as a way to aviod looking inward.  It is much easier to have dialogue in our head to blame and be mad at another, than ourself.

I am not suggesting though that you blame yourself either.  I believe that blame in general is typically not helpful and just a matter of perception, and a narrative of blame can be written for anyone, therefore, any narrative of blame is likely not helpful at all, and rather, is a way of preventing someone from taking responsibility.

If you are angry at him for his role... .

Does that just assign him the role of persecutor and leave you in an endless role of victim?

Do you find yourself stuck feeling a victim of him?

Seeing someone in the role of persecutor is empowering them, (in your head) while disempowering yourself. 

Do you think that you are afraid to take responsibility for things? (Thus disempowering yourself, causing you to remain in a helpless role)

[Michelle27]

About 8 months ago I took myself to a counselor in order to try to get past the anger and resentments I was holding onto.  That vile feeling wasn't who I thought I was, and I couldn't get past it on my own.  What I learned (after months of therapy) was it wasn't HIM I was angry and holding resentments against, it was ME. I had to take a long hard look at myself and how I got to the place I was in and that reflection allowed me to forgive myself and move towards healing the damage and the underlying reasons for allowing what I never should have allowed. 

This inner work allowed me to turn the focus on who I am, who I want to be and that allowed me the freedom to work on myself and improve the areas that needed it and leave behind the things that no longer serve me.  I am on a path of loving myself and respecting myself in a way I never have my whole life.  This will never allow me to be abused or disrespected ever again.  It is beyond liberating.

[soar]

Don't beat yourself up, I'm in exactly the same place. I struggle to stop thinking about my ex, it's horrible. But I think it might be because I care too much what people think, i.e. I'm codependent.

Hopefully there is something in what people say on this thread and if we start to look at our own responsibility to ourself then power will come back to us and we can let go.

[going places]

My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person no one wants to be around.

I don't want to be that girl.

Please help

Skip, the title of this post was I WANT TO BE FREE... .I'm not sure why you changed it.

I want to be free.

Right between the eyes? Is it possible that you are blinded with resentment and righteousness? It may be justifiable, but is it helping you?

Yes. Straight shooting. No beating around the bush.

Blinded? Shrouded, with resentment, but if I was 'blinded' then I wouldn't ask for help.

Righteousness? no, there is not ONE righteous, not one.

And no, the resentment and anger are NOT helping me. That's why I am asking for help, that's why the title you changed was "I WANT TO BE FREE".

How how how how how do I do this?

I don't want to wade thru mountains of pop-psych lingo and garble.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

Yes. that is correct. Just like that.

I sense (from reading your posts) that you are rejecting both faith and psychology tenets because they conflict with feelings of resentment and righteousness that you can't let go of.

Maybe you simply don't want to (or are not ready) to change the very things that are causing the problems.

You sense, incorrectly.

It is my Faith that drives me to seek answers on how to ELIMINATE FOR GOOD the resentment I have.

And I would not ask for help if 'simply don't want to change".

Had you quoted my entire post, that would have been obvious.

I want to let this all go.

I want to rid myself of ALL resentment, anger, (even if it is justified), bitterness.

I want to be able to wish the ex and our daughter well, AND MEAN IT.

I want to look at the past and just shake my head and say "that's a shame" and THAT'S IT!

When someone asks, I want to just say "they chose a different path" and THAT'S IT.

When someone asks, I want to say "I love my daughter, with all my being, and when she is ready, I am here for her" AND THAT'S IT AND MEAN IT.

I NEED for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

I WANT for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW do I do this?

I don't want to wade thru mountains of pop-psych lingo and garble.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person no one wants to be around.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL.

Please help

And had you not changed the title of my post "I WANT TO BE FREE" into "My inability to get past the injustice of it all is creating an ugly person" that too would have cleared up exactly what I am seeking.

I NEED for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

I WANT for my sanity and health, to let these things go, and live.

Nice Going!  Great focus on your needs and wants.

Just a straight forward, right between the eyes, approach.

- Develop a strong vision for an empowered future

- Direct all your focus and intent towards it

- Act!  Take steps in that direction, one step at a time, one day at a time

- Notice progress, which builds momentum

- Live that life all the way

- Let the past fade

THIS is amazing good advice, Thank you

[Skip]

gp,

Eight members offered you sincere advice and things to consider in the above posts.

87% of your response criticizes the moderators cataloging action (retitling) and counters what has been said.

13% singled out some validating thoughts and engages by labeling it as "amazing".

On another board you asked for advice about your daughter. And then summarily mocked and countered the site articles on having value based boundaries and went on to say your daughter is not welcomed in your home until she confesses, and repents... .not until she goes before God and man and is honest.

That's tough boundaries.

Yes.

I am moving, without her.

She is not welcome.

Not until she takes full responsibility for her actions, confesses, and repents.

Not until she goes before God and man and is honest.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought the 3 years (2011-2014) with her father would destroy me. It almost did. But I have walked thru the valley of the shadow of death... .and I came out on the otherside. I am stronger.

I learned that it's not about me. I am 'enough'. My love IS real.

Her choices are just that. Her choices.

I pray God will open her eyes, ears and heart to Truth... .before it's too late.

It seems, and I say this with heart and with honest concern for you, that you are mostly looking for validation to keep on doing what you are doing.  And as you say, it is not working.

That's a tough place to be. Extreme hurt can drive us there. We have to fight that to be free.

[going places]

I thought this was a safe place to work thru things... .

I am glad to see I am just a %.

Thanks so much.

[Panda39]

Hi going places,

I remember being part of a thread about your dream to move to Florida months ago and it sounds like you are on the verge of making that trip.  You set a goal and went after it! 

I also read some of the thread about what has been going on with you and your daughter and I'm sorry to hear how rough it's been.

I hear you about wanting to be free too... .free of your ex, free of being a caretaker, free to live comfortably in your own home and free to start over in a beautiful place... .when I got divorced I couldn't wait for those things either (okay I only moved down the street - but it's mine!).

I'd like to see you soften your stance regarding your daughter before you go.  I know you're angry and frustrated and disappointed with her but she is your daughter and I'd hate to see you move away without at least trying to reach out before you go, I think you would regret it if you didn't at least try.  You don't have to bring her with you, you don't have to return the car etc.  Just reach out and try to leave with some peace around your relationship. I'm not sure you could be truly "free" with this unfinished business surrounding her. Try and keep communication open, don't burn bridges.  She may reject your attempt (that's her choice) but I think if it was me I would at least need to know that I tried. 

Then once you move and get settled I would work on you. Take a time out from everything and focus on you ... .therapy... .figure out how you ended up in that relationship with your ex, learn new ways to approach things, learn about you and why you do the things you do, learn better approaches to things, get some tips on working on the relationship with your daughter, be the best "going places" you can be... .learn... .learn about your new town, be adventurous, try new things... .take care of yourself physically... .get rest (that's when the beach comes in handy ),eat right and exercise.

Once you rest, relax, learn, and do some work on you I think you will be in a better place to work on things with your daughter.  Right now I think as exciting moving is, it is also stressful and probably a little bit scary to finally take the plunge. So stress is probably a factor here too (probably for both of you).

I hope you get things in a better place before you go and then let go and move forward... .the beach beckons 

Take care,

Panda39

P.S. Don't be too tough on Skip he really wants to help. He's ticked me off before too (usually when he's trying to push me to a place I'm not ready to go) but he really does mean well 

[going places]

Hi going places,

I remember being part of a thread about your dream to move to Florida months ago and it sounds like you are on the verge of making that trip.  You set a goal and went after it! 

I leave in 7 days... .I'm not sure if I am more excited or more freaked out!

Either way... .in 7 days, it will be done!

I also read some of the thread about what has been going on with you and your daughter and I'm sorry to hear how rough it's been.

I hear you about wanting to be free too... .free of your ex, free of being a caretaker, free to live comfortably in your own home and free to start over in a beautiful place... .when I got divorced I couldn't wait for those things either (okay I only moved down the street - but it's mine!).

I'd like to see you soften your stance regarding your daughter before you go.  I know you're angry and frustrated and disappointed with her but she is your daughter and I'd hate to see you move away without at least trying to reach out before you go, I think you would regret it if you didn't at least try.  You don't have to bring her with you, you don't have to return the car etc.  Just reach out and try to leave with some peace around your relationship. I'm not sure you could be truly "free" with this unfinished business surrounding her. Try and keep communication open, don't burn bridges.  She may reject your attempt (that's her choice) but I think if it was me I would at least need to know that I tried. 

I cannot call her, she has a new number, and I don't know what it is or any way of finding out.

I cannot text her. See above.

I cannot Facebook / Instagram / Snapchat her, she has me blocked.

I cannot email her, she has me blocked.

I mailed her a letter, but I doubt she got it. If she did, I doubt she opened it.

I cannot go to where she is living, it is my exhusbands house and he will call the police.

I told her in the letter, that if she did not respond to me in 7 days, I would post it on Facebook in the hopes that someone will pass it along to her.

This is exactly how she did her dad for 10 months.

Please understand, this has nothing to do with me taking the car *I* bought and paid for away from her, or taking the phone. (ditto). This has everything to do with I know what she was doing behind my back, and she simply does not want to live with anyone who has 'rules'. Not unreasonable rules, but very reasonable rules. This has everything to do with her wanting someone to 'rescue' her.

Then once you move and get settled I would work on you. Take a time out from everything and focus on you ... .therapy... .figure out how you ended up in that relationship with your ex, learn new ways to approach things, learn about you and why you do the things you do, learn better approaches to things, get some tips on working on the relationship with your daughter, be the best "going places" you can be... .learn... .learn about your new town, be adventurous, try new things... .take care of yourself physically... .get rest (that's when the beach comes in handy ),eat right and exercise.

My advocate gave me some names and numbers of people I can seek out once I get there.

Working with someone to help me forgive, I mean, for real forgive, and move on is my number 1 goal.

Starting July 31rst, I am going to journal every day what I have done, what I plan to do, what happened that day etc. Every Monday, I am going to mail it to my daughter. It's her choice if she wants to contact me. She has my number, my facebook, my instagram, my snapchat, my email. When's she's ready, I want to be ready.

Once you rest, relax, learn, and do some work on you I think you will be in a better place to work on things with your daughter.  Right now I think as exciting moving is, it is also stressful and probably a little bit scary to finally take the plunge. So stress is probably a factor here too (probably for both of you).

I hope you get things in a better place before you go and then let go and move forward... .the beach beckons 

Take care,

Panda39

I have moved out of the Lord's Way. If He's trying to reach her, and I keep getting in the way, she'll never hear Him. Last night, her adult friend chatted with her. Her friend knows the truth of what's going on and asked my daughter some questions (already knowing the answer) to see if she would deny / lie.

And she did.

My daughter has chosen the path she is on, and it's not a good one.

She will not listen to me or this other respected adult.

All she hears is what her itching ears, want to hear.

It's so sad. I do hope the Lord reaches her soon, and she turns off this dark path.

[Blimblam]

going places,

You pushed your daughter out of your life... .YOU DID THAT and you seeked validation on these boards to do it and now you are blaming her for reacting to your behaviors towards her.  Any time anyone has tried to warn you, well you lashed out at them. Your daughter is not a garbage can for the pain you are unable to process and then run away from "to be free" or is she?

The story of your daughter is one of the saddest I have read on here and has litterally brought me to tears on multiple occasions. I am so sorry you can't or won't allow yourself to see it.

[Panda39]

I cannot call her, she has a new number, and I don't know what it is or any way of finding out.

I cannot text her. See above.

I cannot Facebook / Instagram / Snapchat her, she has me blocked.

I cannot email her, she has me blocked.

I mailed her a letter, but I doubt she got it. If she did, I doubt she opened it.

I cannot go to where she is living, it is my exhusbands house and he will call the police.

Okay you've tried and she isn't being responsive right now. So for now I would let it go.  I think everyone probably needs to cool off anyway. 

I told her in the letter, that if she did not respond to me in 7 days, I would post it on Facebook .

This comes off to to me like a demand and Facebook seems like a pretty public place to post this type of letter.  I know your frustrated because you can't communicate but IMO Facebook might not be the best place to communicate this.

My advocate gave me some names and numbers of people I can seek out once I get there.

This is good finding a therapist to work with will be excellent assistance for you on your journey to heal, of self discovery and self understanding .

Working with someone to help me forgive, I mean, for real forgive, and move on is my number 1 goal.

This is a good goal and will take work.  It took me 30 years to truly understand forgiveness and give it to someone that hurt me deeply as a young woman. It involves a lot of letting go of pain, anger, blame etc. and a better understanding of ourselves and our role in the relationship. While your working on forgiving others don't forget to forgive yourself too.

Starting July 31rst, I am going to journal every day what I have done, what I plan to do, what happened that day etc. Every Monday, I am going to mail it to my daughter. It's her choice if she wants to contact me. She has my number, my facebook, my instagram, my snapchat, my email. When's she's ready, I want to be ready.

When you write, besides the news be sure to tell her how much you miss her, let her know you're sorry for the argument before you left. (I'm not talking about what you argued about, but more that you are sorry the two of you quarreled) Try not to make it sound too much like your on some kind of wonderful vacation without her.  Maybe tell her about some places you think she would like in your new home town.

I agree your job is to keep reaching out and keep the lines of communication open and when she is ready she will reach out.  She will do this in her own time, just let her.

My daughter has chosen the path she is on, and it's not a good one.

She will not listen to me or this other respected adult.

All she hears is what her itching ears, want to hear.

I know you want to protect her from making bad choices and decisions but as hard as it is sometimes we have to let go and let our kids learn from their mistakes.  If there's one thing I've learned being on these boards is that we can not control what another person does we can only control our own actions.

So focus on you and how you can change to create a better relationship with your daughter.  Each change you make is like throwing a pebble into water those changes ripple outward and those changes cause different reactions from others.

Panda39

[going places]

I am friends with her friends on social media. I sent out a short and to the point message this morning:

Please forgive me.

I have tried to message you, email you, mailed a letter to your house; I have heard nothing from you.

I leave town, forever, in 7 days.

I would like one last time to see you, to hold you, to tell you to your face, how much I love you and how sorry I am for the things that went down last week, and to ask you for forgiveness.

I hate to make this all public on Facebook, but I have no other way to communicate with you.

Please, forgive me.

Please see me one last time before I leave for Florida.

I love you.

This is all I can do... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I hate to make this all public on Facebook, but I have no other way to communicate with you.

You do not have to make anything public.  Can you hear that this sounds like a threat? 

What is your intention by stating this?

How does this reflect upon you and your values? (To the audience of FB)

[Sunfl0wer]

Please forgive me.

For what are you requesting forgiveness of?

[going places]

It's not a threat... .it's a statement of fact.

I have tried to reach her privately, but she will not respond / has me blocked.

The only way to get her to see this is if one of our mutual friends sends this to her.

How this reflects on me is this: I am desperate to see her before I leave, and I will go to any length to let her know.

She knows why I am asking for forgivenss, she was there that day... .

I extended the olive branch.

I will be gone in 7 days.

[Panda39]

Going places,

That's a nice Facebook post short, to the point, tells her how you feel all without putting the "dirty laundry' out there.  Nice job. 

So now the ball is in her court and as hard as it may be you need to wait and not push.  And like I said previously she may or may not respond she will do this in her own time.  She might reach out before you go or you might have to work this out after you leave if so I like your plan to reach out to her weekly with a letter.  I was thinking too since she has BPD traits to try and use SET in some of those letters and validate her feelings.  You don't have to validate actions that you feel are wrong but validate how she might be feeling about things.  Using some of the tools available to us here probably couldn't hurt and might even help.

At this point I would probably focus on something else, you know like packing for your move.     

I know it's really hard to have this breakdown in the relationship with your daughter and the move all at the same time but I really believe you and your daughter will eventually reconnect now or in the future.

Hang in there 

Panda39

[Panda39]

I hate to make this all public on Facebook, but I have no other way to communicate with you.

You do not have to make anything public.  Can you hear that this sounds like a threat? 

What is your intention by stating this?

How does this reflect upon you and your values? (To the audience of FB)

Hi Sunfl0wer,

I think the above line is exactly what is says... .she would have liked to reach out in a less public way but couldn't.  This is the only way she has to reach out to her daughter.  Her daughter has blocked all other avenues of communication other than letter writing which isn't really practical when she is leaving in a few days.

Panda39

[Sunfl0wer]

I have tried to reach her privately, but she will not respond / has me blocked.

It sounds like she is asserting a boundary here.

Her behavior is communicating that she is not ready or not willing to communicate with you now.

What if you instead respect what her behavior is saying?

Believe her.  She is saying that she is not ready... .believe this.

There is so much talk about NC on this site, it is a tool for a person to heal, gain some perspective.  If someone then tried to break that... .via FB no less... .I would feel terribly violated.  I would feel a huge boundary was crossed and want to be farther away from that person, MORE resolved in NC.

I believe respecting and waiting is a louder message to draw her close to you at some point.

It will still be in her hands, (which is likely a tough reality) ultimately her choice either way if she wants to talk to you.  

Doing it via FB is provocative vs loving.  If you want to force provocative contact... .and push her away... .FB may accomplish that.

If you want her to reach out to you... .her motive being desire to reconnect... .then waiting and respect is likely a more effective approach that has a chance.

Can you see that the FB route may only provoke a negative response?(Meaning... .more pushing you away/stronger NC)

[going places]

I have tried to reach her privately, but she will not respond / has me blocked.

It sounds like she is asserting a boundary here.

Her behavior is communicating that she is not ready or not willing to communicate with you now.

What if you instead respect what her behavior is saying?

Believe her.  She is saying that she is not ready... .believe this.

Like 3 posts ago, I get scolded for having firm boundaries and I should reach out.

NOW I am scolded for "not respecting" the SAME boundary I was scolded for having?

HUH?

There is so much talk about NC on this site, it is a tool for a person to heal, gain some perspective.  If someone then tried to break that... .via FB no less... .I would feel terribly violated.  I would feel a huge boundary was crossed and want to be farther away from that person, MORE resolved in NC.

Well you are not her, and you don't know how her brain works, so you will have to trust me when I say she does not feel violated... .

I believe respecting and waiting is a louder message to draw her close to you at some point.

It will still be in her hands, (which is likely a tough reality) ultimately her choice either way if she wants to talk to you.  

I hear your opinion.

Doing it via FB is provocative vs loving.  If you want to force provocative contact... .and push her away... .FB may accomplish that.

If you want her to reach out to you... .her motive being desire to reconnect... .then waiting and respect is likely a more effective approach that has a chance.

Can you see that the FB route may only provoke a negative response?(Meaning... .more pushing you away/stronger NC)

So be it.

That is her choice.

I tried. I made the effort. THAT is what she wants to see deep in her heart.

My conscience is clear. I tried. I wanted to see her. I am forgiving her.

This ball is 100% in her court.

This is the only way to get a message to her... .you don't understand how addicted to social media she is.

[Blimblam]

I am friends with her friends on social media. I sent out a short and to the point message this morning:

Please forgive me.

I have tried to message you, email you, mailed a letter to your house; I have heard nothing from you.

I leave town, forever, in 7 days.

I would like one last time to see you, to hold you, to tell you to your face, how much I love you and how sorry I am for the things that went down last week, and to ask you for forgiveness.

I hate to make this all public on Facebook, but I have no other way to communicate with you.

Please, forgive me.

Please see me one last time before I leave for Florida.

I love you.

This is all I can do... .

I can see where your going with this and its a step in the right direction in my opinion.  If I received this letter and was really upset the I am "leaving forever," and "one last time" would cut really deep, as it feels abandoning and you want forgivness so you can abandon me with out a guilty conscience. She wants what every child wants to feel safe with their parent that you will always be their for her with open arms and not constantly try to control, manipulate and judge her to be seen and recognized for who she is and not to be perceived through the veil of your fears and thus invisible in your eyes.

[lbjnltx]

As a mom who walked with her daughter through recovery I can look back to our past and see how a public display of private family matters would have backfired.  

Pre recovery my daughter would have experienced this is a) proof that she has a Mom who wants to humiliate her b) proof that I am the whole problem here c) used it as an opportunity to bash me to others and negatively participate in the triangulation that is going on.

Her and I have done this dance before.

She acts like an ass

I throw her out

I beg her back

She comes back

Rinse Repeat.

Not this time.

What is done is done.  The only person you can count on to break this cycle is going places.

Being prepared for a better relationship with healthy boundaries, good communication skills and compassion is where a better future with your daughter will come from.

lbjnltx

[jhkbuzz]

It's not a threat... .it's a statement of fact.

I have tried to reach her privately, but she will not respond / has me blocked.

The only way to get her to see this is if one of our mutual friends sends this to her.

How this reflects on me is this: I am desperate to see her before I leave, and I will go to any length to let her know.

Your daughter, through her actions, has made it clear that she is not ready to communicate with you right now. This may be reasonable or unreasonable of her; I have no way of knowing. This is the problem: you insist on communicating with her to meet your needs ("I am desperate to see her") while ignoring her need for time and space. You are completely overstepping boundaries here ("I will go to any length") despite the fact that her actions have made it clear that she does not wish to communicate with you at the present time. She is an adult and has the right to make that decision - even though she's your child.  Even though you don't like it. Even if it doesn't meet your needs.

The truth is that if this was a romantic involvement rather than a mother/daughter r/s, the advice that you would receive from these boards is that you are coming dangerously close to stalking behavior. Posting on FB for all her friends to see is highly inappropriate - and manipulative.

The sad part of all of this is that your actions are probably reinforcing her desire to keep her distance from you.

She knows why I am asking for forgiveness, she was there that day... .

I extended the olive branch.

I will be gone in 7 days.

You're not dying in 7 days, you are moving. There will (hopefully) be other opportunities to reconcile; trying to bully her into meeting with you will not achieve your purpose.

I know this post is very straightforward and I am likely to raise your ire, but I'm simply calling it as I see it.

[Skip]

You have the option to pull the note down -  only been up a short time - and use the tools to make it a bit more palatable, safe. 

It's an option.

[Sunfl0wer]

I have tried to reach her privately, but she will not respond / has me blocked.

It sounds like she is asserting a boundary here.

Her behavior is communicating that she is not ready or not willing to communicate with you now.

What if you instead respect what her behavior is saying?

Believe her.  She is saying that she is not ready... .believe this.

Like 3 posts ago, I get scolded for having firm boundaries and I should reach out.

NOW I am scolded for "not respecting" the SAME boundary I was scolded for having?

HUH?

There is so much talk about NC on this site, it is a tool for a person to heal, gain some perspective.  If someone then tried to break that... .via FB no less... .I would feel terribly violated.  I would feel a huge boundary was crossed and want to be farther away from that person, MORE resolved in NC.

Well you are not her, and you don't know how her brain works, so you will have to trust me when I say she does not feel violated... .

I believe respecting and waiting is a louder message to draw her close to you at some point.

It will still be in her hands, (which is likely a tough reality) ultimately her choice either way if she wants to talk to you.  

I hear your opinion.

Doing it via FB is provocative vs loving.  If you want to force provocative contact... .and push her away... .FB may accomplish that.

If you want her to reach out to you... .her motive being desire to reconnect... .then waiting and respect is likely a more effective approach that has a chance.

Can you see that the FB route may only provoke a negative response?(Meaning... .more pushing you away/stronger NC)

So be it.

That is her choice.

I tried. I made the effort. THAT is what she wants to see deep in her heart.

My conscience is clear. I tried. I wanted to see her. I am forgiving her.

This ball is 100% in her court.

This is the only way to get a message to her... .you don't understand how addicted to social media she is.

Is forgiveness dependent on an audience?  Can you forgive her right now?

Isn't the ball in her court now already?

I'm not clear what you are trying to change here by circumventing her efforts to have space from you.  We can only change ourselves.  Any work that we do, is self work.  The good news is, it is not dependent upon anyone but us.

[going places]

You guys are awesome. Thank you so much... .

My word choices suck. I don't speak pop psych.

I am leaving in 7 days. I will be gone forever as I do NOT plan on coming back to this state.

Those are just facts.

Again, I find it odd that I came out like a lion; THESE are my boundaries, the end, and I get raked over the coals for being "righteous' and whatever else name I was called... .so I consider that, soften my approach, and try to reach out and now I am inappropriate.

At the end of the day, I am doing anything and everything to let that kid know I love her, and I am sorry.

It may night line up with what anyone else does, but I don't know what else to do.

[Panda39]

It sounds like she is asserting a boundary here.

Her behavior is communicating that she is not ready or not willing to communicate with you now.

What if you instead respect what her behavior is saying?

Believe her.  She is saying that she is not ready... .believe this.

I think this is understood. 

I believe respecting and waiting is a louder message to draw her close to you at some point.

I think this is understood also.  There is a small window before going places leaves. I don't think there was anything wrong with reaching out to her daughter 1 more time before she goes.  She has and now she waits.

 

Doing it via FB is provocative vs loving.

Facebook might be not the best place to communicate from or provocative but there was not another option open to her and time before she leaves is running out.