what is a "normal" breakup look like?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Maybe a silly question but I never broke up with anyone before. I've had three high school boy friends before I met my H and those weren't really 'break ups' more like fade aways. I remain friends with two (because they're decent people) but not with the other because he's a bit of a a-hole. When I say 'friends' I mean like friendly, like to say Hi if I run into them at the store or something. Not like I'm seeking out their company.

So anyway, I never officially broke up with anyone in my life. I think it should be pretty final, pretty clear, maybe some back and forth as it's ending... .I don't know what else might be involved. Probably lots of tears, anger, etc. Then the final-final end and you part ways... .you don't talk anymore... .you reflect inside of yourself on healing etc.

I talked with him two weeks ago. I told him how I feel, felt... .he asked if he was getting kicked out... .I said no but followed that with stating that maybe I'll be the one who moves out... .he was very upset, crying, didn't say anything... .I told him, poured my heart out to him... .and he then went to facebook to let the world know how one should not use the past to punish others... .that that's not how to properly love someone... .and other posts about how his life is spinning out of control how hateful anxiety is... .and as I think on this right now, basically he's taking what I told him how I feel and putting out there on facebook like it's what he's feeling... .?... .and now he's acting like everythings fine again. wth? really... .

he's really upset that I told him I don't want to have sex anymore, and he's not really understanding that's were I'm at... .and keeps on trying... .it's like everything I said he's taking as his own and now is using that for sympathy from the world... .it's sicking really... .

as I'm reflecting on all of this I'm getting upset.  Angry really. Jeez, it's kinda amazing how much anger I feel at the moment... .

[Danie14]

Maybe a silly question but I never broke up with anyone before. I've had three high school boy friends before I met my H and those weren't really 'break ups' more like fade aways. I remain friends with two (because they're decent people) but not with the other because he's a bit of a a-hole. When I say 'friends' I mean like friendly, like to say Hi if I run into them at the store or something. Not like I'm seeking out their company.

So anyway, I never officially broke up with anyone in my life. I think it should be pretty final, pretty clear, maybe some back and forth as it's ending... .I don't know what else might be involved. Probably lots of tears, anger, etc. Then the final-final end and you part ways... .you don't talk anymore... .you reflect inside of yourself on healing etc.

I talked with him two weeks ago. I told him how I feel, felt... .he asked if he was getting kicked out... .I said no but followed that with stating that maybe I'll be the one who moves out... .he was very upset, crying, didn't say anything... .I told him, poured my heart out to him... .and he then went to facebook to let the world know how one should not use the past to punish others... .that that's not how to properly love someone... .and other posts about how his life is spinning out of control how hateful anxiety is... .and as I think on this right now, basically he's taking what I told him how I feel and putting out there on facebook like it's what he's feeling... .?... .and now he's acting like everythings fine again. wth? really... .

he's really upset that I told him I don't want to have sex anymore, and he's not really understanding that's were I'm at... .and keeps on trying... .it's like everything I said he's taking as his own and now is using that for sympathy from the world... .it's sicking really... .

as I'm reflecting on all of this I'm getting upset.  Angry really. Jeez, it's kinda amazing how much anger I feel at the moment... .

[Danie14]

maybe I'm asking the wrong crowd about what's normal in a relationship? not being sassy but maybe... .?

[joeramabeme]

maybe I'm asking the wrong crowd about what's normal in a relationship? not being sassy but maybe... .?

No, you are not asking the wrong crowd.  I think most of the people here are in the midst of sorting out how to break up with a pwBPD rather than not. 

To answer your question, normal'ish styled break ups involve having agreed upon disagreements.  Sounds like a contradiction but it isn't.  Both parties know what it is that they are at odds about and have made attempts to address.  Those attempts may be unsuccessful and the other persons point of view seem off base, but nonetheless there is a cause or reason that can be identified, and it may be more than one.  One or both parties may behave bad, but again, the reasoning is understood.  The level of intensity about losing the r/s is about a multiple of 100 less than what it is with a pwBPD.  The other party is not making claims out of left field and revising historical facts with the expectation or understanding that the opposite party will see it for anything more than a charade.  Each party can deflate enough to say that it just did not work out.

In summary, it is really a perspective of what is the reality.  With a BP style break up there is no sense of what is real.  There is such enmeshment with the non that it although our minds are saying one thing about reality we can't settle on it b/c our partners are behaving in a way as of there is another opposing reality that they are responding to.  This disconnect of realities makes getting closure extraordinarily difficult.

So, I am curious, do you think your ex was BP?  Did he twist the history of your r/s into an unbelievable plot of story that you could not decipher what he was responding to?

[SummerStorm]

To add to what joeramabeme wrote, a normal breakup occurs after a gradual decline in the relationship that both parties are aware of, even if the decline doesn't seem to have any logical cause.  Sometimes, people just grow apart. 

A former nonBPD friend of mine stopped talking to me after seven years of friendship.  It definitely sucked, and I think she is a total b_____ for just stopping all communication for no reason.  Having said that, our friendship was in a much different place than it had been at first.  When we became friends, we were working together and attending the same college.  We graduated, she moved to another city to attend grad school, and I stayed at home and got a job at a local school.  We kept in touch through e-mail and sent cards during the holidays and birthdays and met up a few times a year, but then I also started taking grad classes and got busy, and we sort of drifted apart.  Yes, seven years of friendship gone in a flash, but it's not like someone I talked to every single day just cut me off, and I didn't make an effort to contact her.  Her mom lives five minutes from me, and I could have called or stopped by the house, but I didn't.

My former friend BPD, on the other hand, was my friend for only five months and had a sexual relationship with me for a month.  But in those five months, we barely went a day without speaking or at least texting each other.  She told me I'm perfect, that I'm the one.  And then, when she decided she was done with me, she cut me off and told me I'm poison.  More than a month later, I'm still trying to get over it.

The difference between these two situations is that, with the first, it was pretty clear that we had drifted apart and were both really focused on our careers.  Plus, we only saw each other a few times a year, even after she moved back to the area.  With the second, I wasn't expecting it at all.  She had just tried to commit suicide, I had visited her in the hospital, and the day before she discarded me, she asked if I wanted to hang out with her that weekend. 

In a normal breakup, both people have some control over the situation.  In a BPD breakup, the pwBPD has all the control.

[valet]

I think that SummerStorm said it pretty well.

In a normal breakup, there is not such an extreme push/pull cycle.

I had just gotten back from a trip around Europe with my ex, and we had spent the whole 2 weeks after hanging out nearly every day. There was no drifting apart, other than what she used as her 'reason' for ending things. She even messaged me every day for be next two weeks before I ended contact.

When a normal relationship ends, you are not so confused. In a relationship with a pwBPD, on the other hand, your current reality is almost impossible to reconcile if you cared one bit about the other person.

[Danie14]

Thank you all.

It IS crazy making. He won't leave. He just will not leave this house. & acts like every things fine most of the time. Right after I talked to him he was so upset and showed that upset for days and days... .now he's acting like it's all good again. I think he just thinks it's another normal recycle. but its not. I suppose I have to accept my share of the responsibility for his "confusion" (idk what to call it) at not really understanding that I'm serious because I've let things slide so many times, for so long, I'm sure he's just thinking it's going to all go back to what it was, what it has been... .sigh... .

Years ago he left me for another girl (can't even call her a woman) it was hell. Just turned his feelings for me off. Like a light switch. When I was strong enough to ignore him and live my life... .well, then he was sorry and wanted to come home. I took him back. And we never healed from that... .or any of the other things (abuse, name calling, lies, etc)... .so back then I was truly confused but I was on the being left side. Now I'm doing the leaving and so it's different than it was then, of course. I'm proceeding delicately because, well, because I have to proceed in that manner.

Our daugher's 21st bday is tomorrow and she's leaving town with her friends so I'm planning on having a follow up talk with him again. And tell him he needs to move out. Really, I'm going to tell him that the only way he and I have a shot at coming back together is if he moves out and works on himself... .we'll see what happens.

I won't help him either. He needs to do it himself. All of it. I've been here for him for many many many years wanting him to get himself right, better... .healthy... .and I've offered over and over. And I'm done. He's going to have to show me something... .and that's no guarantee that we'll get back together because I need to work on myself too and maybe when it's all said and done we wont even want each other anymore.

Thanks again.