Damage from a BPD childhood...

[GreenGlit]

Recently my T brought up a new topic with me in therapy. She asked if I ever noticed how analytical I am about everything. I said I did. She asked if I ever noticed how little I talk about my feelings. I took a moment to think, and was like, "I always talk about my feelings."

No you don't, she said.

It really stuck with me. I have been thinking about it for weeks, and I realize she's right. I hyper-analyze everything, to find an explanation, reason, purpose... .but I never really take the step to discover how it makes me FEEL. It is no doubt a consequence of my upbringing with a uBPD mother who stifled my own feelings so that I could cater to hers. But I never expected ti have issues with expressing myself.

The other day my fiancé was super stressed out about something that happened at work, and I made every effort to make his evening wonderful. I cooked dinner, danced with him in the living room, cuddled, and put my best happy face on to cheer him up. It was a beautiful night. The next morning he was still feeling stressed about work and I asked, "Are you going to be mopey all day?" The comment upset him. "For months I have supported you though very difficult moments with your mom... .why can't I be upset for one day?" Even though I new he was right, I totally flew off the handle. I yelled, said mean things, and huffed and puffed. I was immediately embarrassed and ashamed that I acted like my mom did - impulsively and brutally. I made him cry. I felt like a monster. Like my mother.

Moments like that happen so rarely these days for me... .but sometimes the behavior my mother modeled for me comes through into my life. This was one of them. I thought about why I acted that way, and after much deliberation I think it was because i was really sad that I couldn't make him happy that day I tried so hard. I was sad. And my way of dealing with it was being angry. My T was right - I have no idea how I feel a lot of the time; I just analyze, and if need be, I respond angrily.

To be clear I do not have a personality disorder. But I do have moments where bad coping plus emotional things can lead to arguments that are so unnecessary like this one. They are, in some way, the crosses I bear from such a tumultuous upbringing. From such a volatile mother.

Can anyone relate to feeling like this, or to noticing that your upbringing seeps into your adult life even though you work very hard to create boundaries? I am, at the end of the day, scare I'll turn out like my mother.

[Maisha]

I have heard more or less the exact same thing from my T!  I've only been seeing her for a couple of months, but within the first month, she asked me why I can't tell her how I feel about things.  I had a similar reaction as you do - afterall, i'm sitting in her office talking for one hour, but I realised that the way I talk about my past, my upbringing, the emotional turmoil of it all, is with clinical detachment.  Almost like I'm narrating the story of someone else to my T. 

Don't beat yourself up about what you said to your fiance.  At least you are aware of the impact your outburst had on him. Another thing to consider - many "normal" couples have situations where one of them gets angry and shouts at the other.  Are you feeling so guilty about your outburst because you fear that it will somehow make you like your mother?  It sounds like your mom was dramatic and had these kinds of outbursts often.  Because you had the same thing happen once, or twice, or rarely, does not mean you will end up doing this often. 

We all develop our coping mechanisms when being raised by a BPD parent.  In my case, my mom was emotional, dramatic, needy, and I was always responsible for her welfare. In my work in therapy, I've come to understand that I never expressed my feelings or even processed them as a child, as Mother's histrionics overshadowed my needs.

As an adult, I have always prided myself on being "even keeled", measured, rational.  In rare moments where I do have an emotional reaction - be that anger or sadness or an extremely rare outburst, I feel guilty about it.  Because I associate "emotion" with my mother, and hence think of it as a negative trait.  I don't know if you are in a similar situation - if so, may be something worth thinking about.

[GreenGlit]

Hi Maisha,

Thanks for your reply.

You're correct - I think on some level I do believe expressing emotion is like being like my mom. That was all she really was - just one ball of extreme emotions. I am very afraid of turning out like her. But I'm not her - which is something my T repeats to me often.

I guess it's moments when my fiancé or even my T will tear up from a story I have about my childhood that I will realize how detached I seem to recount my own life. I guess it's easy for people to minimize their own difficulties. I guess it's hard to know how much "emotion" I can allow myself to have while still feeling secure that I won't be another Mom.

[vortex of confusion]

I am usually on the staying board. Your thread title caught my attention because I am achieving a new level of awareness about some things.

I was working with a life coach and was focusing on my relationship with my husband. The entire focus was on my relationship with my husband. I am no longer working with this coach because she said and did some things that I found to be horrible. Anyway, she pointed out that I will do pretty much anything to avoid my emotions/feelings. The last time I spoke with her, she told me, "I see a woman that has been sexually, emotionally, and physically abused and is in deep denial." I was so mad about that. I sat down and analyzed everything about my relationship with my husband. Yes, he has had some abusive behaviors but they did not add up to me being abused by him. If I am presenting as somebody that has been abused, it sure as heck isn't because of him.

I had a realization in the last day or two that she was partially correct. I am a woman that was abused. The abuse that I suffered was at the hands of my FOO. It has been becoming more and more clear as I talk to my brother about stuff that happened when we were kids and stuff that our parents continue to do.

Like you, one of my biggest fears in life is becoming like my mother. She acts like the world revolves around her. She has told me things as an adult that no child should ever have to hear about a parent. She will call me and talk about how she wishes that she would just drop dead so she didn't have to deal with her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad life. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life, what she has going on is infinitely worse.

Any emotion that is expressed will be invalidated because she has it ten times worse. As a result, you learn not to express it at all.

I have been reading a particular website about emerging from a broken childhood. Today's post really hit me and discusses this very topic: www.emergingfrombroken.com/why-i-didn%E2%80%99t-know-how-i-felt-about-anything/

[Turkish]

I have been reading a particular website about emerging from a broken childhood. Today's post really hit me and discusses this very topic: www.emergingfrombroken.com/why-i-didn%E2%80%99t-know-how-i-felt-about-anything/

Good find, Vortex.

In my post “Stop Crying or I will give you something to cry about” I talked about the message that we got as children when were told “to stop crying or else.” My feelings were invalidated. In being told that I didn’t hurt or that I didn’t have a reason to cry I was being told that I was wrong to have those feelings and I concluded that my feelings were wrong and therefore invalid and that I did not have a right to my own emotions so I shut them down and turned them off and that was how I learned to invalidate and then ignore my own feelings.

I also learned to be afraid of the consequences of my feelings; being told that they were “wrong” and having the threat of more punishment or more pain if I don’t stop “feeling” those feelings, I became afraid of my feelings too.  I was afraid to feel anger because there might be a negative consequence so I shut that feeling down.  SO I became afraid that the feelings were wrong AND that there might be consequences to having those wrong feelings. THAT resulted in being afraid to FEEL ANYTHING and it also made me doubt my own feelings when I did feel them.

I can relate to what you said, Greenlit, about being too analytical. Though it helps me in my job, this trait bleeds over into my emotional life. After a few months of seeing the T after being abandoned in couples' counseling (same "bait and switch" my mom did to me 29 years previously, but in family counseling), my T got almost excited the day I finally showed some anger. He said that while it was good that I analyzed everything, that he had before then not observed any anger on my part, anger that he said was well justified.

[SunshinePuzzle]

To be clear I do not have a personality disorder. But I do have moments where bad coping plus emotional things can lead to arguments that are so unnecessary like this one. They are, in some way, the crosses I bear from such a tumultuous upbringing. From such a volatile mother.

Can anyone relate to feeling like this, or to noticing that your upbringing seeps into your adult life even though you work very hard to create boundaries? I am, at the end of the day, scare I'll turn out like my mother.

YES and yes!  I just responded to you in another thread actually, about being fearful of becoming like my mother and I wanted to add to that: fighting with your spouse is not always bad!  I was so afraid of being like my mom that I surrendered my voice and my identity in my my marriage. Which as caused just as many problems all these years later - now trying to fight the middle ground for what a healthy relationship looks like.  My counselor has been helping me learn how to have constructive fights with my husband.

I've lost my temper and flown off the handle at other loved ones, just the way you describe - most recently at my sister. I immediately felt what you did: shame that I was behaving like my mom.

I think the difference between us and our mothers (at least in my case) is that mom mom has never been worried that she might become like her mom. My mom never worries that "it's her" - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault, someone who has 'wronged' her, her abusive actions are always justified in her mind somehow... .I don't think she knows how to say "I'm sorry."  I realize now that she is not capable of introspection.  So even though I know I exhibit BPD traits and poor coping mechanisms, I try to remember that the fact that I even worry about this stuff so much, the fact that I'm in therapy, the fact that I experience guilt and a desire to be healthier - those things set me apart from my mom.  It sounds like you are the same - on this forum for one thing, and looking for answers, and concerned about not being like her. Don't beat yourself up too much. We all stumble. Hugs!

[SunshinePuzzle]

Like you, one of my biggest fears in life is becoming like my mother. She acts like the world revolves around her. She has told me things as an adult that no child should ever have to hear about a parent. She will call me and talk about how she wishes that she would just drop dead so she didn't have to deal with her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad life. It doesn't matter what is going on in my life, what she has going on is infinitely worse.

Boy is this familiar. Thanks for sharing that link... .

[Attie]

Thank you Vortex, for the link, very interesting read


My biggest fear was always becoming like my mother. I see too many things of her in me. I am bad at dealing with negative emotions and get angry. I over-analyse everything, end up feeling insecure and stressed and get angry. And when I get angry I make a big thing out of nothing... .and sometimes I stop, thinking: wow, just like her.

[jhkbuzz]

Recently my T brought up a new topic with me in therapy. She asked if I ever noticed how analytical I am about everything. I said I did. She asked if I ever noticed how little I talk about my feelings. I took a moment to think, and was like, "I always talk about my feelings."

No you don't, she said.

My therapist calls this the disconnect between my head and my heart. She told me that it's important for me to learn to connect them. Yes, I responded, as I continued to talk analytically.  Luckily for me, she's very patient. Her motto is, "No wine before it's time." She understands I will "go there" when I'm ready.

I've been seeing her for about a year. I read somewhere that it takes about a year in therapy before the "real work" begins. I think that's because it takes about a year to build a trusting r/s with your therapist. No real healing can happen in the absence of trust.

Over the past month or two I've slowly realized that my "feelings" are present - I just don't share them with her. They're too raw, messy, painful. I don't like to feel vulnerable. But I've also started to realize that I need to explore some of my more painful feelings - especially the ones that arose from my childhood - because they've festered and lead me to make assumptions about myself and the world that aren't necessarily true. I need to bring them into the light of to-day and allow my adult-self to examine them and process them with the help of my therapist.

The strategies we used to cope with a painful childhood protected us, but they have the potential to damage us when we drag them into our adulthood. Disconnecting from our feelings may have been necessary for survival at one point in time - but not any more.

[heartsw3lls]

I too have had this realisation having gone through CBT. when talking to my therapist, it was always very matter-of-fact, as if I were reading a page of someone else's words. She spent a good 4 months trying to make me get emotional about my upbringing (she achieved this occasionally) in order to re-connect me to my emotions.

Growing up, we were never allowed to have any emotions, positive or negative: we couldn't be upset because she had something worse going on than she did "what did we have to be upset about?"; we couldn't have positive emotions because she'd make us feel guilty for being happy, as if being happy was selfish because she wasn't happy. Her emotional incest also meant that we'd have to be strong enough to support her emotional needs, which always outweighed our own. I guess I just learnt to swallow any feelings I had and speak objectively.

Also like you, I catch myself doing BPD-esque things (I get very fearful of abandonment - real or imagined, or angry about criticism) and feel so terribly ashamed that I'd behaved in a way I'd seen my mother behave.

But I suppose the advantage we have is that we are aware of this, we know the behaviour is wrong, whereas to our BPD's, they're behaving totally rationally.

[Proboscidea]

My mom was like mommie dearest in the movie. I even had night raids. She'd wake me out of sleep at 3am to scream at me about things that had happened lo g ago that were supposedly resolved. We hadnoboundaries indiscipline and I got no love. Ironically my sister thinks it was me, not her. I refuse to ever tAlk to foo again. They are MEAN.

The results of them is I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and lots of nightmares about my mother. I left their area and I won't allow them to hurt me anymore. Nc since moving except when abusive brother showed up at my house with a pipe. I called the cops.

Now I recover in blessed peace.

[Leaving]

I've read that it's quite common for children of narcissists and other disordered parents to exhibit some of the same pathological traits from time to time.  I believe the difference is that our reactions are learned responses- like how to solve problems with violence.  In the book, ' The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists' the author talks about this quite a bit in the first or second chapter.

I really don't have difficulty showing my feelings or expressing them UNLESS i'm talking to my mother or my brother.  I have a tendency to minimize my pain or suffering around them because they have always diminished everything I've ever felt unless it related to them. Anytime I'm around them alone or together, I feel like an outcast, I feel stupid, pathetic, worthless and beneath them.  I was constantly told that I was strong and very fortunate and  that nothing I suffered was nearly as bad as what others endure- especially what mom endured.  She always compared my pain and suffering to her own.  So, I'm not surprised that when I share something painful with them that I make light of it and talk about it like a media news anchor.

My brother is not really like my mother though he exhibits many of her 'shallow' qualities at times.  What I mean is that he's not self absorbed and insensitive and he has a heart of gold.  However, my mother has always conditioned me to believe that my brother is ashamed of me and so, I always feel very self conscious around him and uncomfortable.  He had no clue who I am or anything about me really ( just like mother).  She pitted us against each other all the time and painted me as the loser.  For much of my life, I felt like they treated me like I had a learning disability or special needs child.  A few years ago, I was working as a scientist at local college ( I was a benthic taxonomist).  My brother asked me what my job was and when I told him he said, ' Oh you stuff animals'.  When I tried to explain to him that he had my job confused with taxidermy and what I did, he completely ignored me and seemed to just want to keep the image of me stuffing dead animals in his head. I even invited him to visit our new building and lab and he wouldn't come. I got a strange feeling as if he subconsciously feared learning the truth about me.  Another time we were having dinner and he invited me to come to his house the following week.  I told him I had a lot of field work and that I would be busy.  He said, ' Oh, I didn't know you had a tractor' 

There are many times when I see a lot of my brother's behavior resembling our narcissistic mother but I know in my heart that his perception of me and many things is so conditioned by our mother. Likewise, my perception of him was also created by our mother.  I've since realized that he's not as golden as I had always thought and he's certainly not anymore worthy of anything than I am. 

[Klo]

My former T brought up the exact same thing about me multiple times. She told me I was stuck in an endless analytical process because I spent my entire childhood trying to make sense out of chaos and nonsense, which was never going to happen.