need advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was married for 13 years to someone, in retrospect, was a high functioning, BPD.  2 years ago, I found out she was having an affair.  She thought I wouldn't care as she moved on from me without my knowing.  There were other tell tale signs throughout the courtship and the early marriage, but this event was the most traumatic.  She thought I should be more concerned about her and her lost affair - she had no empathy and took no responsibility.  I tried for 6 months in marriage counseling, eventually getting frustrated to the point of filing for divorce as it was going nowhere.  The counselor was the only one who challenged her and later told me about her borderline tendencies.  I only recently read the book "walking on eggshells", and it all made sense.  My own self worth and my identity had been pulled into this unhealthy relationship and now I'm suffering.  She still lives in the house in a separate area, and I'm moving forward with the divorce.  But, I keep having the feeling that she could change if she recognized her problems.  I know it sounds ridiculous and like a fantasy, but I spoke with her last week and she actually had some insight into her "splitting" tendencies and her life coach has helped her see the gray, not only black and white.  She even mentioned me in that same context.  I hadn't mentioned anything to her about the book, but want her to read it to see what she thinks.  So, my question - am I just being a glutton for punishment?  should I just wait for the divorce and not bother?  part of me thinks that is she got help it would also help with the divorce and the shared custody - am I being realistic?

Thanks - the BPD issue and how it framed my entire relationship has been eye opening - not only for recognizing my BPD wife, but my issues that contributed to it.

[JoeS1]

I was married for 13 years to someone, in retrospect, was a high functioning, BPD.  2 years ago, I found out she was having an affair.  She thought I wouldn't care as she moved on from me without my knowing.  There were other tell tale signs throughout the courtship and the early marriage, but this event was the most traumatic.  She thought I should be more concerned about her and her lost affair - she had no empathy and took no responsibility.  I tried for 6 months in marriage counseling, eventually getting frustrated to the point of filing for divorce as it was going nowhere.  The counselor was the only one who challenged her and later told me about her borderline tendencies.  I only recently read the book "walking on eggshells", and it all made sense.  My own self worth and my identity had been pulled into this unhealthy relationship and now I'm suffering.  She still lives in the house in a separate area, and I'm moving forward with the divorce.  But, I keep having the feeling that she could change if she recognized her problems.  I know it sounds ridiculous and like a fantasy, but I spoke with her last week and she actually had some insight into her "splitting" tendencies and her life coach has helped her see the gray, not only black and white.  She even mentioned me in that same context.  I hadn't mentioned anything to her about the book, but want her to read it to see what she thinks.  So, my question - am I just being a glutton for punishment?  should I just wait for the divorce and not bother?  part of me thinks that is she got help it would also help with the divorce and the shared custody - am I being realistic?

Thanks - the BPD issue and how it framed my entire relationship has been eye opening - not only for recognizing my BPD wife, but my issues that contributed to it.

[rotiroti]

  Welcome Joe, I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time


The marriage counselor not working was probably because it was part of an ultimatum. If a pwBPD goes into therapy for "you," they will be able to run circles around the therapist.

Even with therapy the research shows that it takes many years. I think the last time the figures were something like, 2 years of DBT shows a ~50% reduction and 10 years is something like a ~80% remission rate. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

That's fantastic that you picked up the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, it's a great resource and it reminded me of the difficult journey of it all. Perhaps you should post on the staying board as well. IF you decide you want to stay with the BP in your life, do so with the full knowledge of what you are choosing to do so