Am I the crazy one

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My partner left me 2 years ago. We were together for 19 years. Though it's been ongoing with her for 21 years now. She is clinically depressed which has be diagnosed and from what I have read is most like BPD but not officially diagnosed. I am a codependent (caretaker/rescuer/enabler). The relationship I had prior to her was with a NPD which really messed me up and I went to therapy for awhile, which I came face to face with my codependency. Though did not do much work to recover or deal with. Basically I moved and was single for year when I met my ex. We were young, lots of drinking, and smoking, etc. It took only 3 days and we hooked up and then melded if you will. we had a rocky start I was not really healed from my last relationship and she was not long out quitting a bad drug habit. We stuck it out.

Over the years I have been the primary income, emotional support, etc. I was trying to figure out how many jobs she has gone through since I have know her. At least 14, maybe more. Many times she was unemployed for long periods. I think that at least half of the jobs if not more she got fired from. Of course this wasn't her fault. So anyway back to the breakup. I think this relationship was over several years before she ended it. We fought a lot over stupid stuff. We didn't communicate at all. I was always afraid to talk about how I was feeling because she always seemed to take it as direct stab or insult to her. I didn't want to trigger her depression or anger. We basically lived together as friends for the last several years. No real intimacy. We didn't fight anymore.

When she ended I went into panic mode, which is crazy, because I wasn't happy, but had resigned myself to making it work. She stayed in the house for a year, separate rooms. She didn't pay rent, help with chores, didn't do much of anything. She basically went to her room and was on her phone checking dating sites. She said she wanted to be friends, but didn't act that way. So she finally moved out she had met the love of her life who lived 3 hours away. She stayed in town and was just going to live on her own for a year before moving anywhere.

Things got ugly in the move. I helped her move, I pretty much let her take what she wanted. There was a few things I fought to keep and that's when it got ugly. It's like she thought everything was hers. Telling me how she contributed to the home. I guess she did a little, but not like I did. Anything she wanted I made it happen within reason. I don't make that much money. Once she was out. That is when I started getting the nasty email and IM messages. Telling me what an awful person I was and that I never wanted her to be happy. Which is just crazy, I feel like everything I did was to try and make her happy. She said I was controlling and smothering, yet emotionally unavailable. I see how I was controlling, because I had to be. Someone had to pay the bills and buy the groceries. I also realize I would get jealous or feel insecure if she spent time away from me with other people. I know now that is my codependency and I also think that is was years of walking on eggshells, always in a state of anxiety. Always feeling (or knowing) that it wouldn't take much for her to leave. The intimacy wasn't there anymore. I didn't feel like I could be close to her like that. How to go up to someone who is a deep depression and be like hey want to get naked? I was still attracted to her, but didn't know how to approach the subject anymore. It still baffles my mind that she stayed as long as she did, haha and I stayed as long as I did. I guess when you have some one so willing to take care of you and enable you repeat life patterns, its hard to walk away. As to why I stayed guilt, I felt that if I left she would hurt herself. So I stayed.

So after she moved out I did NC for a month, then she IM'd me about wanting to see the pets. So I let her. I was trying to be nice. That first visit didn't go well. She blow up at me and said nasty things. Then a day later I get an I am sorry IM. She finally tells me she got dumped and she wasn't doing well. She wanted to hurt herself. Here is where I get sucked back in... .I was there for her. She started telling my how I was home and that she wanted to trying working on things. She said she was not on the dating sites any more, etc. At least try to be friends. I was like okay, we can try. So we IM'd almost every day, hung out some. Then she got fired from her job and that is when she started with her not stop emotional dumbing on me and asking for money. She hated asking, so she said. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with it all. Like this was a very onside friendship. So I kind of withdrew a little. Then the next thing I know there was change, I knew something was up. She wouldn't tell me, I even asked. Then finally she said she had been seeing someone, but she didn't want to tell me because if how I would react. In my head I was like what really? It's my fault she couldn't, wouldn't tell me. Then I was thinking when did she have time or money for that. Supposedly she was sleeping all the time, deep in a depression, and the money well I helped her. I was hurt and upset, I thought we were trying to communicate better be friends, etc. Maybe a little upset she found someone again. I am like am I the crazy one, don't you need time to heal and work on yourself before jumping into a relationship? So even after she told me this she would still IM about how bad off she was and she needed money or she was going to have to move in with her sister. So I was like fine one last time I will help her. It wasn't but 5 days later she tells me she is deeply in love with this new person and they are moving into together. It's been 2 months maybe 3 at most they been talking, seeing each other.

I had told her I need time and space. I asked her to bring some tools back I let her borrow. Apparently this was attitude, so she unfriended me for a second time on Facebook. Then she sent me one of her super long crazy talk IM's. Next day I am her BFF and she doesn't hate me and wants me to meet the new GF. I am her only friend. I got a few IM's like that. I told her I need time. I haven't contacted her in 2 weeks, though she sent me a message last weekend asking me if I wanted the kitten she got on whim. She has two, but apparently the new GF is allergic, though she is keeping the 1st cat no matter what. She loves cats, not sure how that is going to work out. I told her no, I have the pets we had together. I didn't need another mouth to feed.

So all this crazy sent me into a deep funk. What the hell just happened? How did I let this happen. I was doing good and I got sucked back in. Sometimes I am like good, now someone else can take care of her. Then I feel guilty because I said we could be friends, but I just can't right now, maybe never. I will say I am grateful because it has forced me to take a hard look at myself. I have my issues and want to work through them so I can find that special someone who is healthy, loving, stable, and loves me for me, not for what I can do for them.

I know this kind of long and maybe a little all over the place. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for letting me.

[twanda2020]

My partner left me 2 years ago. We were together for 19 years. Though it's been ongoing with her for 21 years now. She is clinically depressed which has be diagnosed and from what I have read is most like BPD but not officially diagnosed. I am a codependent (caretaker/rescuer/enabler). The relationship I had prior to her was with a NPD which really messed me up and I went to therapy for awhile, which I came face to face with my codependency. Though did not do much work to recover or deal with. Basically I moved and was single for year when I met my ex. We were young, lots of drinking, and smoking, etc. It took only 3 days and we hooked up and then melded if you will. we had a rocky start I was not really healed from my last relationship and she was not long out quitting a bad drug habit. We stuck it out.

Over the years I have been the primary income, emotional support, etc. I was trying to figure out how many jobs she has gone through since I have know her. At least 14, maybe more. Many times she was unemployed for long periods. I think that at least half of the jobs if not more she got fired from. Of course this wasn't her fault. So anyway back to the breakup. I think this relationship was over several years before she ended it. We fought a lot over stupid stuff. We didn't communicate at all. I was always afraid to talk about how I was feeling because she always seemed to take it as direct stab or insult to her. I didn't want to trigger her depression or anger. We basically lived together as friends for the last several years. No real intimacy. We didn't fight anymore.

When she ended I went into panic mode, which is crazy, because I wasn't happy, but had resigned myself to making it work. She stayed in the house for a year, separate rooms. She didn't pay rent, help with chores, didn't do much of anything. She basically went to her room and was on her phone checking dating sites. She said she wanted to be friends, but didn't act that way. So she finally moved out she had met the love of her life who lived 3 hours away. She stayed in town and was just going to live on her own for a year before moving anywhere.

Things got ugly in the move. I helped her move, I pretty much let her take what she wanted. There was a few things I fought to keep and that's when it got ugly. It's like she thought everything was hers. Telling me how she contributed to the home. I guess she did a little, but not like I did. Anything she wanted I made it happen within reason. I don't make that much money. Once she was out. That is when I started getting the nasty email and IM messages. Telling me what an awful person I was and that I never wanted her to be happy. Which is just crazy, I feel like everything I did was to try and make her happy. She said I was controlling and smothering, yet emotionally unavailable. I see how I was controlling, because I had to be. Someone had to pay the bills and buy the groceries. I also realize I would get jealous or feel insecure if she spent time away from me with other people. I know now that is my codependency and I also think that is was years of walking on eggshells, always in a state of anxiety. Always feeling (or knowing) that it wouldn't take much for her to leave. The intimacy wasn't there anymore. I didn't feel like I could be close to her like that. How to go up to someone who is a deep depression and be like hey want to get naked? I was still attracted to her, but didn't know how to approach the subject anymore. It still baffles my mind that she stayed as long as she did, haha and I stayed as long as I did. I guess when you have some one so willing to take care of you and enable you repeat life patterns, its hard to walk away. As to why I stayed guilt, I felt that if I left she would hurt herself. So I stayed.

So after she moved out I did NC for a month, then she IM'd me about wanting to see the pets. So I let her. I was trying to be nice. That first visit didn't go well. She blow up at me and said nasty things. Then a day later I get an I am sorry IM. She finally tells me she got dumped and she wasn't doing well. She wanted to hurt herself. Here is where I get sucked back in... .I was there for her. She started telling my how I was home and that she wanted to trying working on things. She said she was not on the dating sites any more, etc. At least try to be friends. I was like okay, we can try. So we IM'd almost every day, hung out some. Then she got fired from her job and that is when she started with her not stop emotional dumbing on me and asking for money. She hated asking, so she said. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with it all. Like this was a very onside friendship. So I kind of withdrew a little. Then the next thing I know there was change, I knew something was up. She wouldn't tell me, I even asked. Then finally she said she had been seeing someone, but she didn't want to tell me because if how I would react. In my head I was like what really? It's my fault she couldn't, wouldn't tell me. Then I was thinking when did she have time or money for that. Supposedly she was sleeping all the time, deep in a depression, and the money well I helped her. I was hurt and upset, I thought we were trying to communicate better be friends, etc. Maybe a little upset she found someone again. I am like am I the crazy one, don't you need time to heal and work on yourself before jumping into a relationship? So even after she told me this she would still IM about how bad off she was and she needed money or she was going to have to move in with her sister. So I was like fine one last time I will help her. It wasn't but 5 days later she tells me she is deeply in love with this new person and they are moving into together. It's been 2 months maybe 3 at most they been talking, seeing each other.

I had told her I need time and space. I asked her to bring some tools back I let her borrow. Apparently this was attitude, so she unfriended me for a second time on Facebook. Then she sent me one of her super long crazy talk IM's. Next day I am her BFF and she doesn't hate me and wants me to meet the new GF. I am her only friend. I got a few IM's like that. I told her I need time. I haven't contacted her in 2 weeks, though she sent me a message last weekend asking me if I wanted the kitten she got on whim. She has two, but apparently the new GF is allergic, though she is keeping the 1st cat no matter what. She loves cats, not sure how that is going to work out. I told her no, I have the pets we had together. I didn't need another mouth to feed.

So all this crazy sent me into a deep funk. What the hell just happened? How did I let this happen. I was doing good and I got sucked back in. Sometimes I am like good, now someone else can take care of her. Then I feel guilty because I said we could be friends, but I just can't right now, maybe never. I will say I am grateful because it has forced me to take a hard look at myself. I have my issues and want to work through them so I can find that special someone who is healthy, loving, stable, and loves me for me, not for what I can do for them.

I know this kind of long and maybe a little all over the place. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for letting me.

[Turkish]

Hello twanda2020,

You were in a long relationship, a significant part of your life. From what you wrote, it sounds like you've done a lot of intrispection. When you felt you were ready to heal, your partner did the BFF thing. That's tough and hurtful to process. My ex telegpaphs this similarly with the guy whom she moved on with. I struggle with anger, confusion, and the injustiice of it.

You say you're co-dependent. What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I'm only 1.5 years out of a 6 year r/s (with kids), but I still struggle with doing for myself rather than taking care of other people.

My therapist said that there's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer, but it's when it results in us making poor choices that it becomes an issue. This speaks to poor boundaries on our side. Its a hard way of doing things that may be tough to change, but its possible. I'm glad you are here, and I hope to hear more on how we can support you.



Turkish

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Reading everyone's posts is making me realize how much of a rescuer/enabler I am. But it's apparent that most of our lives were just pleasing our SO

Twanda & Turkish, since you two were in very long term relationships. Were they consecutive years or were there breakups in between?

[twanda2020]

I was in therapy for a little bit after the actual break-up and after her actually moving out. Like I said I was a mess. This is why I feel crazy sometimes. How can you be such a mess over someone and a relationship that is not good or healthy. I suppose it's the connection, the unhealthy bond. I am going to try CODA (Co-Dependence Anonymous). There are usually F2F meetings somewhere close by and also online meetings. They have a 12 step program similar to AA, but adjusted for Co-Dependency. It's interesting. Kind of scary the idea of going to a F2F meeting, but I think it will be good for me. I may go see a therapist again, undecided there. See how this group thing goes.

I have also been doing a lot of research on both issues. Finding this board has been a great help. Knowing I am not alone in this and reading other stories helps a lot. It helps me see I am not crazy. Though I wish no one had to go through this. I have also gotten a little more spiritual, I am by no means a religious person, but I do believe in higher power. So when the crazy talk in head kicks in I try and catch it before it gets out of control and say a few affirmations and let it go. Let go let God as they say. I know I am a strong person, capable of doing anything I really want to do. The only place I feel weak is with my ex. So working on the boundary thing to. By saying no to the kitten was a step in that process.

As for the question about consecutive years or not. We had one brief breakup 8 or 9 years before this actual breakup, parting ways. Again she didn't leave the house, she starting going out a lot. Apparently she didn't find anyone because we decided to try and work on things and got back together. I am guessing if someone had come along this thing would have ended much sooner.

One other thing I realize now and scares me the most, because I haven't done it in 20 years, if ever, is being F2F with myself. What do I want? Who am I? For so long I was so wrapped up in my ex and trying to help her, fix her, care for her, etc that I lost myself. Now I can do what I want when I want. Learning to love and take care of myself. Which is the way it should be a caring, loving, healthy, happy, fun, knows what she wants kind of girl will be able to attract the same in all my relationships.

I feel like I gave up so much for my ex, like friends, 3 hours from family, missing family events. Its hard to start over and make new friends, reconnecting with ones you let go of for a relationship. Haha there were so many signs over the years... I was wearing some serious blinders, but no more. I know she will be back. I have been the one solid thing in her life for 21 years, so I know this isn't over yet. So I am working on me so I am ready for it. I do not want to get sucked into the chaos again. She is a an adult and can learn to deal with her issues, life events, etc like every one else. To take responsibility for herself.