Gas Light

[Lost Out]

As I slowly recover from my BPD relationship It is amazing how many of the small things that happened were significant in making me doubt myself and not trust my perceptions. My whole life is upside down after 14 months in a Bpd relationship. It really is amazing. So this conversation actually happened, it's so silly it's hard to comprehend.

Her: you didn't say goodbye to me when you left this morning.

Me: yes I did, I said bye baby as I was walking out of the bedroom. Maybe you were asleep and didn't hear me?

Her: no, you didn't say goodbye.

Me: yes I did.

Her: when?

Me: when I was walking out the door

Her: the front door?

Me: yeah, I yelled goodbye from the other side of the house!

This was never resolved, how could it be. But as I asses the damage I realize this was intended to make me doubt my reality. And it did over time.

[once removed]

hey lost out 

i can certainly see where that could be confusing and cause you to doubt your reality.

i think what you are aiming at is the concept of "feelings=fact". pwBPD struggle tremendously with this. i experienced it myself. generally, this kind of behavior is not "gaslighting" per se, or a deliberate attempt to make you doubt your reality.

you were arguing over whether you said goodbye, so i think it stands to reason that her feelings of abandonment were triggered. those feelings became fact, meaning her reality really was that you did not say goodbye. its also possible she didnt hear you, but that probably doesnt matter. literally, leaving the room, let alone the house, can trigger feelings of abandonment, especially for a person who is hyper vigilant for any perceived abandonment.

as i said, i experienced it myself. when id argue, it would make my ex very angry. my arguing was only perceived as invalidating. eventually, id be exasperated from arguing, and id tell her we were each entitled to our own reality. not good enough. shed insist i accept hers.  its all very exhausting, but when you see it from a "feelings=facts" perspective, it makes sense.

[joeramabeme]

as i said, i experienced it myself. when id argue, it would make my ex very angry. my arguing was only perceived as invalidating. eventually, id be exasperated from arguing, and id tell her we were each entitled to our own reality. not good enough. shed insist i accept hers.  its all very exhausting, but when you see it from a "feelings=facts" perspective, it makes sense.

Once Removed, thanks for clarifying the gaslighting part.  I went through both feelings=facts and gaslighting and after reading your reply I can see where I had some events mis-categorized. 

Can you expand a little more on your exhaustion?  Did you leave or did she?  I am curious to hear more of the story, if you care to... .

[Lost Out]

I left her, I asked her to move out. We had been living together for 3 months, and the scenario I describe was after 2 days living together. Of course this was in a long string of curious reality. I didn't know about BPD then, if I did I probably would have just said ok, next time I'll be sure to say goodbye, I mean what's the harm I suppose. But at that time I thought I was going to go insane. A few weeks later I am on my phone planning a trip to vegas for her birthday. She comes barging in the house screaming " are you on that f'ing phone again?". Man I was the target of all her rage. I just had no idea why, it was out of the blue it seemed. I know now but by the time she left and came back for a while, and raged again, I was just a total mess. Now I am in therapy and just not functioning to well. Fells like PTSD. She once was just berating me once for failing to ask her to go to lunch, I was recoiling on the couch and she looked at me and said " you guys just can't take it". I looked at her in astonishment, I just couldn't believe it. Maybe it wasn't intentionally done but man it was brutal just the same. I don't need that at this time in my life. It's weird, she raged at me and then I withdrew and then she was angry that I withdrew.  A game with no winners.

[joeramabeme]

I didn't know about BPD then, if I did I probably would have just said ok, next time I'll be sure to say goodbye, I mean what's the harm I suppose. But at that time I thought I was going to go insane.

Yes, that is what non's who get caught up with the pwBPD feel, they are going insane.  It is very overpowering and completely takes you off guard.   

It's weird, she raged at me and then I withdrew and then she was angry that I withdrew.  A game with no winners.

I experienced this as well.  She would be angry when I tried to reply to her rages.  I finally quit doing that and took the passive approach and let her go on and silently agreed.  pwBPD have excellent emotional radars.  She knew I was just silently agreeing and this would piss her off too.

Have you read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?  It describes what you are talking about very well and also provides very useful information about how we need to regain ourselves.  I highly recommend it and would provide much useful information to help you process your feelings about all this.

Are you still in contact with her?

[Lost Out]

I am no longer in contact with her. Although she is in contact with me just by me thinking about all the craziness that is lingering on. I feel so stupid.

One of out last contacts she says she hopes I get the help I need. Well she was right about that, I need help figuring out what the hell happened to me. She actually looked at me one day and said " just think about the good stuff". So she knew it was happening. Of course I was the cause of her rage. I really do question my sanity now and sometimes think I want her to come back. How sick is that?

[joeramabeme]

I really do question my sanity now and sometimes think I want her to come back. How sick is that?

Yes, I think we all wished that they would come back at some point.  In a strange way I have idealized the "good parts" of our love.  Yet, at some point during the marriage I could not take the BPD traits anymore.  I had thought to myself if only I could find the right thing to say so she could understand what I was talking about.  I wanted to keep what was good and minimize the other parts.  I have since learned that the pwBPD is not two people, they are one, all of it is one part of a wholly disordered person.

The Stop Walking on Eggshells book explains this very well, it helped me tremendously

[Lost Out]

The thing is I know now what was going on by the information on this site and others. This BPD has been in my life for all my life. My ex wife had it. I am feeling like I am totally insane now. I am depressed and had to stop working because my life is upside down.


Sometimes I wonder if I can go on, is my purpose in life to live with the insanity of BPD? Is this a f'ing test to see how much I can take? Because I am at the end of my rope... .

[joeramabeme]

Sometimes I wonder if I can go on, is my purpose in life to live with the insanity of BPD? Is this a f'ing test to see how much I can take? Because I am at the end of my rope... .

I have been where you are at, and sometimes still visit that place in my thoughts.  The answer is a definitive NO!  Life is not about seeing how much you can take!

BUT, you must make an effort to change you.  Yes, I know that does not sound like something that you want to hear when you are in pain, but place it somewhere in your mind and don't forget where it is, I promise, you won't always feel like you do at this moment. 

The reason I keep mentioning Stop Walking on Eggshells is that it helps us HEAL from what is keeping us stuck.  Yes, this board is awesome and there is a tremendous amount of support and information.  The value of the book is that it is all laid out for you in a logical progression so that not only can you identify with the topic, you can learn how to change and heal!  There is nothing wrong with you!

Said another way, why would you choose to stay in a r/s with so many issues and that brought you such deep discontentment when you can have a r/s that is fulfilling and lifts you up as the person you are.  You are a good person, you are here on this site seeking answers and will find them.  There are healthier people to have relationships with.

What do you think?  Do you believe that you can find a satisfying relationship?  Do you think that all people are BPD or just the ones that you have been with?