Please help me with obsessively ruminating about my ex

[soar]

Hi all,

It's been 3 years since my ex cut me off in September but I only found out about BPD a little over a month ago. Before that I would constantly ruminate, trying to make sense of what happened.

Now it's a habit. Any advice to help me stop would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

[sas1729]

Hey soar,

I think the first thing to realize is that it can take some time to process what BPD is. Learning about it through people and books is important. The part that takes some time is coming to terms with how BPD traits can be applied to your previous relationship. When I first learned about BPD it was an eye opener. I was still dating my ex at the time. But learning about BPD helped put some framework to what was essentially a chaotic experience. Logic just didn't seem to matter. My feelings didn't seem to matter much. And yet, the illogical reasoning was presented so clearly and convincingly that I thought I was in the wrong.

Learning about BPD showed me how my ex viewed situations. There were many "ah ha" moments. I think that this is part of the healing phase, and I truly cannot imagine what three years of memories was like without the tools for parsing through them, which is what learning about BPD is.

I still ruminated even though for I knew about BPD for months before we broke up. Once I was finally able to understand why she behaved the way she did, it then took me a while to figure out exactly what it was that led me to stay in the unhappy relationship. That was a part of the ruminating for me. But I couldn't really get to that stage before I "solved" her behaviour through learning about BPD. Then it took some hard work to accept my own faults. Not the perceived faults that were boiling in the past relationship, but the real reasons behind why I stayed in it.

Give yourself credit for seeking out a reason. It brought you here. So now you can apply it to your memories and parse through the emotions.

[soar]

Thanks for your response. I have been reading a lot online. I've heard Walking On Eggshells mentioned a few times so I think I'm going to buy that. Hopefully it can take me forward.

[rotiroti]

Hey again Soar, is there anything in particular that you are struggling with?

I think last time you mentioned that you were seeing a T and it was helpful to some extent. Are you still meeting up with him/her?

[soar]

Thoughts wise? I think I struggle a lot with myself never getting a chance to tell my ex how much she hurt me + I struggle with all the lies my ex has told her friends so I'm seen as the villian. I just always ruminate about trying to explain to her friends what really happened + telling my ex how much she hurt me.

Yes I'm seeing her tomorrow. We are starting to explore why a abusive relationship wasn't alien to me + why I have rescuer tendencies. The therepy is very person centred with no real practical tips for managing thoughts. I'm not sure if there are other therepies that might help me more?

I also always wonder whether I'm suffering with PTSD but being treated for depression. I genuinely don't know the differences + differences in treatment if any...

[Mutt]

Hi soar,



I can see how distressing that would be we're trying to make sense of the behaviors and relationship and discovering mental illness and things start to make sense. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Thoughts wise? I think I struggle a lot with myself never getting a chance to tell my ex how much she hurt me + I struggle with all the lies my ex has told her friends so I'm seen as the villian.

I'm glad that you found us. It helps to share with fellow members that have walked a mile in your shoes and can relate. I understand how frustrating that would be when our ex partners paint their exes as the villain. It has to be difficult to deal with ruminating thoughts 3 years post break-up. I hope that this article can help:

TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

Some friends may believe what she has to say and some friends may understand that there are two sides to a story.

“The reverse side also has a reverse side.” ~ Japanese proverb

I understand that you are going to a T and I also understand how emotionally distressing that can be when an ex partner distorts us to their friends and family. These are your ex partners actions and behaviors, it's on her. I would try to not worry about it.

[gingin]

Hi Soar,

So sorry for your situation. Like most of us here, we try to make sense out of something that is the polar opposite of what is a 'healthy emotional normal'. That is the problem for us. We try to make sense out of something that defies reason. Speaking from experience with my BPD ex of thirty years, being separated now for seven months, the rumination is horrid. It's like a loop that our brain gets caught in and it's involuntary. That happens and is a scientific fact. I have a book called "Who Turned Off My Brain" by Dr. Caroline Leaf. She is a brilliant neuro- scientist. She has a program that I have used to help 're-wire' patterned thinking (rumination). It has helped me tremendously.

 I totally understand how you feel about being portrayed badly. Just remember, you know who you are and your friends who are really friends will know the truth. To hang on to the hope that your ex will understand how much she hurt you... .My ex had zero understanding or empathy to what she has done. Complete denial. Many BPD sufferers can't understand because many are functioning at very low levels of emotional maturity. Imagine a five year old trying to relate to adult emotions. I was held totally responsible and blamed for everything.


 If my ex, were to admit to any wrongdoing or accepting any responsibility for her actions, it would have been emotional death to her because her 'core' damage was so severe. I know I'll never have any closure in this as far as her accepting anything she's done to me and that is a hard pill to swallow. But I remind myself a hundred times a day... .She is suffering too and is mentally ill. Please know that you're not alone in your hurt. Take care of yourself.

[disorderedsociety]

Hi all,

It's been 3 years since my ex cut me off in September but I only found out about BPD a little over a month ago. Before that I would constantly ruminate, trying to make sense of what happened.

Now it's a habit. Any advice to help me stop would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

Its not a bad habit to learn more about what happened so you can experience that 'click' when something fits into the puzzle but in doing so give yourself a break by distracting yourself with constructive activities, fitness, cooking healthy meals and essentially taking good care of you and your body. Balance is key here; trust that life will give you the answers to what happened in due time.

Best of luck to you  

[soar]

Thank you very much for these recommendations, I will definately check them out. I don't think I really hope that my ex will take responsibility for her behaviour, as you said it would be emotional death for her and I see that. It's still hard to let go though because for such a long time I wasn't aware that she had BPD. So I envisioned her looking at events through a 'normal mind' for such a long time. I do think I need to remember that she is unwell, hopefully reading more about BPD will help that hit home.

[rotiroti]

Great to hear your progress soar, always remember to think of people as a whole. It's especially tough with exes. You should check out all of those books for sure, if you have a long commute you can get them on audiobooks. The Stop Walking on Eggshells one, I listen to it from time to time, great for a commute!

[soar]

Great to hear your progress soar, always remember to think of people as a whole. It's especially tough with exes. You should check out all of those books for sure, if you have a long commute you can get them on audiobooks. The Stop Walking on Eggshells one, I listen to it from time to time, great for a commute!

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Audiobooks sound good, will have to try and track some down. What do you mean by 'always remember to think of people as a whole'?

[rotiroti]

Great to hear your progress soar, always remember to think of people as a whole. It's especially tough with exes. You should check out all of those books for sure, if you have a long commute you can get them on audiobooks. The Stop Walking on Eggshells one, I listen to it from time to time, great for a commute!

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Audiobooks sound good, will have to try and track some down. What do you mean by 'always remember to think of people as a whole'?

Ah, I was just echoing what you said about remembering that your ex was not well. It's easy to remember just the good parts of a person, and idealization on our part. That only leads to disappointed and is not healthy