I'll admit, I miss her

[disorderedsociety]

Thinking back to when we first lived together, things were awesome. We were a team and mutually supportive. She wasn't unaware of her disorder like a lot I've read about. She did seem to want to get better but she kept missing appointments with her therapist. Started taking medication and yes she improved and yes she would say that in the context of me feeling unsupported but for the most part she could function in taking care of her kid and what not (though she didn't have a job, understandable for someone recovering(?) from BPD.) I feel like I should have been stronger and not allowed my feelings to govern my decision in leaving. The departure was very slow and I know she could tell I didn't wanna be there anymore. Before I left there was some acting out in the form of talking to other guys online and after I left in the form of several hook-ups. My troubles come from not knowing if she's as ill as I'd like to believe (to relieve some of the pain.) Technically yes she was diagnosed but this was 2 years before leaving and before her medication. For some perspective, yes she was unstable when she tried going off the meds for a few days.

I know the guy she's with now is a good person at heart and on one hand I'm glad she found someone who seems to understand her. They've been together 6 months now. Part of me wishes for them to break up and for him to suffer but that's not my call.

It feels like I just wasn't _ enough to last in the relationship with her. If I'd married her and gotten a house for us would things have gotten better? Maybe, maybe not. Its hard to say and all I can think of is her good traits at the moment. The things that I loved about her. I wish at some point we could be friends since I did admire her.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi disorderedsociety,

I understand how tough ruminating can be.   

Usually when we ruminate we tend to use 'what ifs' and 'should have' statements.  Thinking about situations that occurred in the past and using these statements can lead to guilt and sadness. You cannot change what has already happened, but you change how you perceive things.

Relationships with pwBPD are very hard. With many pwBPD there is an emptiness inside of them, and no matter how much you love, support, or care for them, that empty void does not get filled.  My pwBPD has said to me, "EaglesJuju, you are incredible and would give me the world if you could, but it is not enough. This is a problem that I have."  That is something only they can fix. No matter if you married her or bought a house, her disorder would still be there. I understand how you could feel that you were not 'enough' to last in a relationship and have felt that at times. I associated my feelings of not 'being enough' by my pwBPD's behavior and thinking that he was 'normal.' 

Recovery for a pwBPD can take a very long time, even if they are committed to improvement and self-aware. Granted there are different levels of severity with BPD, regardless of the severity, the disorder is very difficult to overcome. Essentially, it is trying to change behavior and cognitions that have been present throughout a lifetime. 

You mentioned thinking about her good traits and things you love about her. Do you find it harder to cope with the end of the relationship when you are focused on her good traits? 

[disorderedsociety]

You mentioned thinking about her good traits and things you love about her. Do you find it harder to cope with the end of the relationship when you are focused on her good traits?

Definitely, but that implies that her traits have the same basis in reality that I'm imagining, which comes from my own line of thinking. A person with BPD ultimately has no stable identity so any projection we do onto them post-breakup/post-NC/whatever comes from us. So I believe that to some extent the positive traits we project(ed) onto them during and after the relationship are actually a part of us that we don't really acknowledge for any variety of reasons unique to our own personal experiences.

That said, the head can in essence "heal" by learning more about what is and isn't disordered, but our hearts are feeling organs and thus feel betrayed by their childish behavior.

All I can do is be thankful we didn't have kids and hope for the best for her and her family. No more fog, I don't owe them anything.

[EaglesJuju]

Definitely, but that implies that her traits have the same basis in reality that I'm imagining, which comes from my own line of thinking. A person with BPD ultimately has no stable identity so any projection we do onto them post-breakup/post-NC/whatever comes from us. So I believe that to some extent the positive traits we project(ed) onto them during and after the relationship are actually a part of us that we don't really acknowledge for any variety of reasons unique to our own personal experiences.

That said, the head can in essence "heal" by learning more about what is and isn't disordered, but our hearts are feeling organs and thus feel betrayed by their childish behavior.

Although pwBPD do not have a stable sense of self, they do have traits that are unique and inherent. Underneath the deflated false self of a pwBPD, there is a real self. The real self is hidden through the deflated false self in order to protect a pwBPD from the ensuing 'abandonment depression.'  Maladaptive coping mechanisms are used by the false self to thwart these negative feelings.

Similar to those who are not disordered, the real-self embodies who we are and no two people are alike. There are positive and negative traits in everyone, including pwBPD. When we start perceiving  a pwBPD solely based on 'positive' and 'negative' traits, we engage in dichotomous thinking. 

Instead of trying to discern what is and is not disordered, focus on the maladaptive behavior, cognitions, impulsivity, and affectivity of your pwBPD.

[rotiroti]

Definitely, but that implies that her traits have the same basis in reality that I'm imagining, which comes from my own line of thinking. A person with BPD ultimately has no stable identity so any projection we do onto them post-breakup/post-NC/whatever comes from us. So I believe that to some extent the positive traits we project(ed) onto them during and after the relationship are actually a part of us that we don't really acknowledge for any variety of reasons unique to our own personal experiences.

That said, the head can in essence "heal" by learning more about what is and isn't disordered, but our hearts are feeling organs and thus feel betrayed by their childish behavior.

Although pwBPD do not have a stable sense of self, they do have traits that are unique and inherent. Underneath the deflated false self of a pwBPD, there is a real self. The real self is hidden through the deflated false self in order to protect a pwBPD from the ensuing 'abandonment depression.'  Maladaptive coping mechanisms are used by the false self to thwart these negative feelings.

Similar to those who are not disordered, the real-self embodies who we are and no two people are alike. There are positive and negative traits in everyone, including pwBPD. When we start perceiving  a pwBPD solely based on 'positive' and 'negative' traits, we engage in dichotomous thinking. 

Instead of trying to discern what is and is not disordered, focus on the maladaptive behavior, cognitions, impulsivity, and affectivity of your pwBPD.

Hey juju could you elaborate the sense of self or guide me to some resources in regards to it? Would love to learn more about it

Sorry for hijacking!

[SummerStorm]

I know the guy she's with now is a good person at heart and on one hand I'm glad she found someone who seems to understand her. They've been together 6 months now. Part of me wishes for them to break up and for him to suffer but that's not my call.

I also have these thoughts, I have to admit.  Mine is getting ready to move across the country with her boyfriend, and he's posting on Facebook about how he's busy packing and getting ready to have a big yard sale this weekend.  But as soon as she and I discussed moving in together and buying a house, she felt engulfed and pulled away. 

Nothing about their relationship was/is traditional, and it basically follows the BPD script (she met him on Tinder the first day she had it, first had sex with him very early in the relationship, started spending 3-4 nights a week at his place about a month or so into the relationship, basically moved herself into his place three months into the relationship, tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with BPD four months into the relationship, and is moving across the country with him seven months into the relationship), so I keep thinking, "It's gotta blow up eventually, right?  Right?"  She wants to get therapy, but she hasn't started it yet, so every decision she's making is influenced by her BPD.  I don't want her back at all, but the longer they are together and the happier they are, the more pissed off I am.  Yes, I know this isn't healthy, but it is what it is. 

I guess what we need to ask ourselves is, if they do break up, how will that make us feel?  Will it truly give us closure and make us feel better forever, or will it just make us feel better until she starts another relationship, causing us to once again hope that things will go the way they did with us?     

[Kelli Cornett]

I know the guy she's with now is a good person at heart and on one hand I'm glad she found someone who seems to understand her. They've been together 6 months now. Part of me wishes for them to break up and for him to suffer but that's not my call.

I also have these thoughts, I have to admit.  Mine is getting ready to move across the country with her boyfriend, and he's posting on Facebook about how he's busy packing and getting ready to have a big yard sale this weekend.  But as soon as she and I discussed moving in together and buying a house, she felt engulfed and pulled away. 

Nothing about their relationship was/is traditional, and it basically follows the BPD script (she met him on Tinder the first day she had it, first had sex with him very early in the relationship, started spending 3-4 nights a week at his place about a month or so into the relationship, basically moved herself into his place three months into the relationship, tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with BPD four months into the relationship, and is moving across the country with him seven months into the relationship), so I keep thinking, "It's gotta blow up eventually, right?  Right?"  She wants to get therapy, but she hasn't started it yet, so every decision she's making is influenced by her BPD.  I don't want her back at all, but the longer they are together and the happier they are, the more pissed off I am.  Yes, I know this isn't healthy, but it is what it is. 

I guess what we need to ask ourselves is, if they do break up, how will that make us feel?  Will it truly give us closure and make us feel better forever, or will it just make us feel better until she starts another relationship, causing us to once again hope that things will go the way they did with us?     

That is probably hard to see. Make you feel invalidated. Like why this guy?

[rotiroti]

Unless you were her first boyfriend, the guy before her was probably thinking the same thing about you.



I thought about all of my pwBPDex's partners and no 2 people were the same. It's all about attachment for them

[SummerStorm]

I know the guy she's with now is a good person at heart and on one hand I'm glad she found someone who seems to understand her. They've been together 6 months now. Part of me wishes for them to break up and for him to suffer but that's not my call.

I also have these thoughts, I have to admit.  Mine is getting ready to move across the country with her boyfriend, and he's posting on Facebook about how he's busy packing and getting ready to have a big yard sale this weekend.  But as soon as she and I discussed moving in together and buying a house, she felt engulfed and pulled away. 

Nothing about their relationship was/is traditional, and it basically follows the BPD script (she met him on Tinder the first day she had it, first had sex with him very early in the relationship, started spending 3-4 nights a week at his place about a month or so into the relationship, basically moved herself into his place three months into the relationship, tried to commit suicide and was diagnosed with BPD four months into the relationship, and is moving across the country with him seven months into the relationship), so I keep thinking, "It's gotta blow up eventually, right?  Right?"  She wants to get therapy, but she hasn't started it yet, so every decision she's making is influenced by her BPD.  I don't want her back at all, but the longer they are together and the happier they are, the more pissed off I am.  Yes, I know this isn't healthy, but it is what it is. 

I guess what we need to ask ourselves is, if they do break up, how will that make us feel?  Will it truly give us closure and make us feel better forever, or will it just make us feel better until she starts another relationship, causing us to once again hope that things will go the way they did with us?     

That is probably hard to see. Make you feel invalidated. Like why this guy?

Yes, definitely.  Especially when this guy has rescuer traits just like me and has no boundaries, just like me.  She also devalued him and lied to him like she with me.  She did get physically violent with him and didn't with me, so that's hard for me to take.  Also, he's the one who got her back into smoking marijuana after she had been away from it for a few years, so that has always pissed me off.  I don't do drugs and rarely drink, and when she was with me, I tried to limit her drinking and never had anything stronger than beer.  He likes hard liquor, and they both drink a lot.  A part of me is like, "A major part of her problem is that she thinks of herself as a party girl who refuses to ever act like an adult.  He is only helping her to continue acting this way."  I guess maybe that's why she ended up staying with him?  I refused to budge on a lot of things, whereas he gives in to everything. 

Even when I was so deep in the FOG that I couldn't see two inches in front of me, I would have never agreed to move across the country with her.  I refuse to leave my stable job and my parents.  I've never known any couple who moved that far away while they were just still dating.  A few former co-workers moved to different states, but it was after they were married and because their spouse's job demanded a move.   

[antelope]

I thought about all of my pwBPDex's partners and no 2 people were the same.

actually, that's the irony here: us nons all have something, or more than likely, many things in common with one another... .

superficially, we are different, but our cores are wounded in similar ways, and this gets exploited and manipulated in similar ways across all of these relationships