How useful is anger?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey,

I actually have been having an interesting reaction when I read some of the threads here. I've noticed that in some cases I feel not only compassion and concern for the author of a post, but I also get upset on their behalf. I'm sure it's because it triggers some memories from my own experiences. But it has led me to wonder just how useful is anger for recovering?

Anger is not something that I want to experience. It can be very cathartic, of course, but it is not an emotion that I like. I'm generally not an angry person. I can be hurt but do not lash out in reply. I much prefer to calmly discuss my concerns. Probably the only time I'm angry is at my own silly mistakes at work, and even then I recognize that it's more frustration and take it in stride.

Having been on the receiving end of anger (as many of us have), it's not something that I want to be inflicted on anyone. Was I angry with my BPDex during the relationship? Not often. Did I act on it? Rarely. The anger I'm referring to here is specifically the anger felt after a breakup.

I don't know if I'm proud to admit this, but the truth is that I derived a lot of my willpower and courage from being angry at how I was treated during the relationship. The anger was split amongst my ex, the treatment I received, and myself. I was definitely upset at myself for allowing myself to remain in a bad relationship. I read that many people here deeply miss their BPDexes. I can relate. Immediately after the breakup the emotions I felt were sadness, regret, concern, worry, fear, and anger. Sometimes they would cycle within an hour. But somehow it was the anger that slowly pushed the cycle away and allowed me to focus on the reasons for me staying as I did. And that is what led to my recovery.

Anger was a tool for me. I was NC and was not vindictive. I do not espouse that. Vindictiveness would be, practically speaking, pointless and even detrimental (breaking NC). But I was angry, at my ex, the way I was treated, and at myself. It subsided in the end as well. I'm only bringing this up because I'm curious if anyone else has been angry at the past. And if you haven't been, would you consider allowing that emotion to float in to your consciousness too? Again, vindictiveness is not good. But a little anger at those three things may help to focus your thoughts.

The intense feelings of regret that I had after the breakup did little to help me. It was natural to have them. The sadness over the loss of a friend (I did share a lot with my ex) slowed down my recovery. But again, that was a natural feeling. So were the others that I mentioned. It's interesting to think, then that it may have been anger that kept me NC. Anger that made me introspective. Anger that gave me the willpower to face life without my ex. And this may all be because of all the emotions I listed anger is the one that is the self-expression of feeling a boundary violation or a personal value demonized. Anger is the way we take a defensive pose and protect ourselves.

This is not a post to encourage anger and certainly not vindictiveness. I'm more asking if others have experienced this. And if you haven't, would you consider allowing that emotion in a bit?

[sas1729]

Hey,

I actually have been having an interesting reaction when I read some of the threads here. I've noticed that in some cases I feel not only compassion and concern for the author of a post, but I also get upset on their behalf. I'm sure it's because it triggers some memories from my own experiences. But it has led me to wonder just how useful is anger for recovering?

Anger is not something that I want to experience. It can be very cathartic, of course, but it is not an emotion that I like. I'm generally not an angry person. I can be hurt but do not lash out in reply. I much prefer to calmly discuss my concerns. Probably the only time I'm angry is at my own silly mistakes at work, and even then I recognize that it's more frustration and take it in stride.

Having been on the receiving end of anger (as many of us have), it's not something that I want to be inflicted on anyone. Was I angry with my BPDex during the relationship? Not often. Did I act on it? Rarely. The anger I'm referring to here is specifically the anger felt after a breakup.

I don't know if I'm proud to admit this, but the truth is that I derived a lot of my willpower and courage from being angry at how I was treated during the relationship. The anger was split amongst my ex, the treatment I received, and myself. I was definitely upset at myself for allowing myself to remain in a bad relationship. I read that many people here deeply miss their BPDexes. I can relate. Immediately after the breakup the emotions I felt were sadness, regret, concern, worry, fear, and anger. Sometimes they would cycle within an hour. But somehow it was the anger that slowly pushed the cycle away and allowed me to focus on the reasons for me staying as I did. And that is what led to my recovery.

Anger was a tool for me. I was NC and was not vindictive. I do not espouse that. Vindictiveness would be, practically speaking, pointless and even detrimental (breaking NC). But I was angry, at my ex, the way I was treated, and at myself. It subsided in the end as well. I'm only bringing this up because I'm curious if anyone else has been angry at the past. And if you haven't been, would you consider allowing that emotion to float in to your consciousness too? Again, vindictiveness is not good. But a little anger at those three things may help to focus your thoughts.

The intense feelings of regret that I had after the breakup did little to help me. It was natural to have them. The sadness over the loss of a friend (I did share a lot with my ex) slowed down my recovery. But again, that was a natural feeling. So were the others that I mentioned. It's interesting to think, then that it may have been anger that kept me NC. Anger that made me introspective. Anger that gave me the willpower to face life without my ex. And this may all be because of all the emotions I listed anger is the one that is the self-expression of feeling a boundary violation or a personal value demonized. Anger is the way we take a defensive pose and protect ourselves.

This is not a post to encourage anger and certainly not vindictiveness. I'm more asking if others have experienced this. And if you haven't, would you consider allowing that emotion in a bit?

[rotiroti]

I believe anger is an essential part of mourning/grieving. And in the case of the leaving board, the death of the r/s. Like you said it can be very cathartic and it helped me move past the denial and bargaining phases

[joeramabeme]

I'm only bringing this up because I'm curious if anyone else has been angry at the past. And if you haven't been, would you consider allowing that emotion to float in to your consciousness too?

sas1729, you have very insightful posts that are well thought out, thanks. 

I had two thoughts about this post.  First, I have a tendency to live in my head.  I need to figure out what is going on before i have feelings about it. Almost like an internal Governator that is telling me; how do you know it is right to feel anger about this when you don't fully understand what is going on.  While I think this is helpful in preventing reactionary responses that can be misplaced, it is also harmful b/c it is a form of invalidation I give to my experience. 

I read an article or post recently that talked to just letting our feelings be what they are, no judgement about their validity or correctness.  Of course this is not a free ticket to act angry at will.  But it does sound more in line with a healthy internal response. 

Anger is probably at the top of my list of emotions that I do not allow myself to freely have unless there is a good reason for it.  If you are like me, that reason can take time to figure out and by the time I have some understanding of the reason, the feeling is no longer there.  But I doubt that it has gone away.

Secondly, for me, I grew up in a home with there was a lot of anger and violence.  Being #5 of 6 kids, everyone was an adult and much larger, intimidating etc.  I saw how harmful anger could be and it scared me to have my own as I associated violence and hurt with it.  I was/am afraid of my own anger.

That said, when I strip away my intellect and fear, yes, I am angry.  How could I not be, I was/am very hurt but what has transpired.  I don't need a reason or an excuse, it is just how I feel.  Would I ever tell her that?  Probably not, though I assume that she has long since guessed it or has seen it in passive-aggressive behaviors.

I don't think we can hide it.  There just has to be a healthy way to acknowledge it, express it and then address it.  After all anger is usually a mask for hurt and if we are stuck on anger we are not dealing with the hurt that is causing it.

Joe

[Mr Hollande]

Had I not had the immense anger I had, and still have but to a much lesser degree now, I wouldn't have had the strength and determination to keep walking like I did last year. That was my method for recovery and it worked. That's not to say it's for everyone but anger worked for me.

[enlighten me]

I think anger post relationship is essential to healing. For me it was slmost cleansing. It helped to lift the fog. It is part of your fight or flight reflex. If you dont get angry then all you do is run from things. Like all emotions it is essential. If you have seen the film inside out it shows how we need all our emotions quite well and what happens if we lack one.

That said it isnt a place to live. You neeed to go through anger not dwell as it is only a part of the healing process.

[jhkbuzz]

Anger is one of the natural stages of the 5 stages of grief - you can read more about it at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

It is usually unhealthy to deny your anger; it impedes your healing. While you don't want to make decisions and act in anger, feeling your emotions is always the better route to take.

[fromheeltoheal]

But it has led me to wonder just how useful is anger for recovering?

Very useful, if we use it.  The only useless anger is the anger we don't use, and anger is a great tool for getting us off our ass and setting about detaching and creating our bright future.  And it will pass, but by then we'll have so much momentum we won't care.

Anger is not something that I want to experience. It can be very cathartic, of course, but it is not an emotion that I like. I'm generally not an angry person.

Experiencing a transitory emotion is a behavior, being an 'angry person' is an identity, two different things; it's best to experience whatever emotions we have all the way, but you're right, don't become them, don't assume the identity of the emotion.

I can be hurt but do not lash out in reply. I much prefer to calmly discuss my concerns. Probably the only time I'm angry is at my own silly mistakes at work, and even then I recognize that it's more frustration and take it in stride.

Having been on the receiving end of anger (as many of us have), it's not something that I want to be inflicted on anyone. Was I angry with my BPDex during the relationship? Not often. Did I act on it? Rarely. The anger I'm referring to here is specifically the anger felt after a breakup.

Sure, me too, and when we're seeing red we can't think straight or see straight, not the best place to make decisions or act from.  On the other hand, anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and stuffing it can make us sick, even shorten our lives.  The key is to let it out all the way, but don't do anything that will make things worse or that we'll regret.  I wanted to kill my ex after I left her, and had I snapped I would have gone to jail for sure, but I didn't, and with time it passed.  As others have said anger is one of the stages of grieving, normal and healthy, until it isn't, like you get stuck and it won't pass.