daughter in law with uBPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm new to the family and seeing her target her father in law (my S.O.) as a demon who will hurt her and her daughter. She seems abusive to her son and gossipy/critical of everyone to son's sister (S.O.'s daughter). All are grown -- mid 20's to 30.

seems like letting this toxic self expression go on is a nightmare in the making. kids and daughter's spouse seem to love their father very much but I have seen folks with BPD wreak havoc in families and businesses.

are we abandoning son if we suggest she take a break from the family until she is better able to control her emotional outbursts (which always come with an apology to her spouse but to no one else)?

Seems the best long term approach is draw a line without anger regarding acceptable and unacceptable behaviors is the best tactic for the system, but I fear alienating son or losing him altogether.

Thank you for any advice you can give... .

[Renee456]

I'm new to the family and seeing her target her father in law (my S.O.) as a demon who will hurt her and her daughter. She seems abusive to her son and gossipy/critical of everyone to son's sister (S.O.'s daughter). All are grown -- mid 20's to 30.

seems like letting this toxic self expression go on is a nightmare in the making. kids and daughter's spouse seem to love their father very much but I have seen folks with BPD wreak havoc in families and businesses.

are we abandoning son if we suggest she take a break from the family until she is better able to control her emotional outbursts (which always come with an apology to her spouse but to no one else)?

Seems the best long term approach is draw a line without anger regarding acceptable and unacceptable behaviors is the best tactic for the system, but I fear alienating son or losing him altogether.

Thank you for any advice you can give... .

[HappyChappy]

are we abandoning son if we suggest she take a break from the family until she is better able to control her emotional outbursts (which always come with an apology to her spouse but to no one else)?

Seems the best long term approach is draw a line without anger regarding acceptable and unacceptable behaviors is the best tactic for the system, but I fear alienating son or losing him altogether.

Thank you for any advice you can give... .

I’m sorry that your daughter in law is vilifying your partner, that can’t be fun. When you say "draw a line", do you mean setting healthy boundaries ? Boundary setting is the recommended approach. But it needs to be done with care, there is advise on this website on how to do that.

Also you mentioned “until she changes”. If she is truely BPD, then change is highly unlikely. Here the recommended approach is to use validating techniques such as S.E.T. to get the best out of your relationship. Again there’s advise on this website on how that works. Welcome to this site, and keep us posted on your progress. 

[understandnow]

Renee456 welcome to this site.  It has made such a big difference in my life dealing with my Bpd Dil.  I am the demon in her life.  HappyChappy gave excellent advice.  Read all you can on setting healthy boundaries and understanding the behavior of a pwBPD. 

I have set healthy boundaries and my Dil does not like it so she is not speaking to me.  I mourned having the happy family with my grandchildren but I know I can never have it as long as she is in the picture.  My son occasionally goes in survivor mode and stays away from us for a month or so but always comes back and we welcome him and the grandchildren every time.  Yet our boundaries are in place and I have my life back. 

Good luck to you on your journey through this difficult world of a BPD.  Please keep us updated.