Got attached with a BPD girl with boyfriend and she doesn't want me to leave

[budi.sudaryo]

Hello everyone,

My first post here, hope to gain some insights from you nice people

Long story short, 2 months ago I got to know a girl, we met once and texted every day. Turned out she had BPD but I didn't put much thoughts into it. We got along unbelievably great and I decided to make a move. She replied that she had a bf but has had asked for a breakup two weeks before, but the bf kinda begged not to leave him, revealing that his mom was sick with cancer and he needed support. This girl agreed so they continue as a couple until now.

We're still talking since that conversation, and we got emotionally attached, no day went by without some form of contact (no meetings though). Then I started to consider my position. Based on her story and her friend's confirmation to me she didn't have any hope left in their relationship and it's a possibility their breakup was impending. But I didn't want to set myself for a heartbreak, there's no certainty if she'll leave her bf and even if so, she'll need time to heal first. And I knew it's wrong to keep talking with her, considering her status.

So last night I decided to go no contact until the situation is clear and I informed her about it, saying it's the best for us etc. She sounds sad but understood that it's a proper thing to do. See you when I see you, I said.

But this morning I received an unexpected message from her, the gist is that this makes her feel so down, because her BPD makes her can't take any kind of abandonment. She's already emotionally attached to me. And about her bf she said that she can't leave him all of a sudden because his mom recently passed away. But with or without my presence in her life she knows that she has to leave the relationship because it's just not working out.

She didn't ask me to reconsider my decision and in the end of the message she even reaffirmed her acceptance of my decision, but overall it's implied that she doesn't want this. Now I don't know that much about BPD but I'm afraid she'll fall into depression and it affects her life, to the point that she hurts herself or something.

I don't know what to do, I have to think about my own heart but on the other hand her sanity is important to me too. Any advice will be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Infern0]

The situation is complex but what it boils down to is this.

If she wants to leave her boyfriend and persue something with you,  that is an option that's avaliable to her.

Border lines in most cases will attempt to have their cake and eat it and you acted correctly in not enabling that.

Before you worry about the effects of you leaving the situation on her mental health remember she had/has a choice to leave her supposedly unhappy relationship so if she doesn't that's her decision and you are simply not responsible for the repercussions of someone else's decisions.

[budi.sudaryo]

The situation is complex but what it boils down to is this.

If she wants to leave her boyfriend and persue something with you,  that is an option that's avaliable to her.

Border lines in most cases will attempt to have their cake and eat it and you acted correctly in not enabling that.

Before you worry about the effects of you leaving the situation on her mental health remember she had/has a choice to leave her supposedly unhappy relationship so if she doesn't that's her decision and you are simply not responsible for the repercussions of someone else's decisions.

Well it's easy to say that but to be honest if I were in her position I doubt I would leave my bf easily only a week after his beloved mom died and then seen going out with a new guy shortly after. Right?

I only heard now that borderlines tend to have their cake and eat it too. Care to elaborate why?

[Turkish]

Hi budi.sudaryo,



I can see how this might be a confusing situation. You like her. She's said she's done with her current r/s... .but not quite. You can attempt to empathize to understand what she might be thinking. Some of that may even be true. Her motivations, however, are likely different than yours might be in the same situation. Though some pwBPD can exhibit Hermit tendecies, a core trait of the disorder is being abandoned (paradoxically, even if they sometimes do the abandoning), or being alone. My ex was in hermit mode when I met her, but my mom is literally a hermit living in the woods. It can vary...

She's obviously attached to you, but she hasn't let go of her previous attachment. She may be unsure of you, and is afraid to commit. She seems to be exhibiting push-pull behaviors towards you, and she is likely doing the same to her bf/not bf, though you only get what info about that filtered through her.

Before you commit, it might help to understand BPD more, so you can make informed choices, and also interact with her better by having an idea of how she might feel. We have a worshop hosted by a recovered member with BPD which I think may help you understand her better. Take a look and tell me what you think:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

Turkish

[waverider]

Dont be tempted to understand how she thinks, you can't it is alien to you. She will however be very good in knowing how to present things in a way that may seem "acceptable' to a non BPD person. As that is how she has gone through her life. Dramatic reasons for not doing things, painting other people as 'dead to them" and you as best person for them.

Whatever does, or doesn't, pass between her and her bf, STAY OUT OF IT. Do not be used as stepping stone to avoid abandonment.

Stick to what your values tell you, she will muddy the waters and guilt you in order to make the decisions seem like yours. ie passing responsibility.

I would second what Turkish recommends, learn how differently a pwBPD rationalizes their behaviors. It is a different set of values and moral codes.

Waverider

[budi.sudaryo]

OK, you guys have some great advice, I'll certainly keep them in mind.

Now how do I deal with this feeling of guilt because getting out now seems like a cop out, considering for a month I've been talking to her with some flirting here and there, knowing she had a bf? If I go no contact it should've been at the moment I knew her status

[SummerStorm]

Don't make the same mistake that I made.  I'm being serious.  Like, extremely serious.  Serious as a heart attack.

Mine told me that her boyfriend was terrible.  She said that she was in love with me and that she wanted to live with me.  I was so blinded by my love (I did love her, as we were best friends) that I had sex with her, even though I knew that she had a boyfriend.  Believe me, I'm not proud of what I did.

Days before we first had sex, she told me that she was in love with her boyfriend and that she cared about me but didn't want to leave him.  I was crushed but accepted that.  Later in the week, she came over to my house to watch movies and started flirting with me.  I told her to stop.  Not long after, she jumped on top of me and started kissing me.  I kept bringing up her boyfriend, and she just ignored me. 

After the first two times, she backed off and told me that her boyfriend was who she wanted.  I said that was okay, but that I would ask her out if we were both ever single at the same time.  A week later, she told me that her boyfriend hit her and that she realized how selfish and awful he was.  She told me she wanted to live with me and even went to look at a house with me.  A few days later, she pulled away again.  That weekend, she got on her phone, pretended that it was actually her boyfriend texting me on her phone, and pretended to find out about our affair.  Posing as her boyfriend, she told me all kinds of lies and called me terrible names.  I actually thought it was him, as I had never met him and was only going off of what she had told me about him.  A few days later, when I tried to talk to her about what had happened, she told me she didn't want to talk about it. 

After that terrible weekend, she tried to lure me back in again, but I'd had enough.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  From that point on, she raged at me in text message form almost every day, up until she tried to commit suicide.  Then, she had a breakthrough and realized exactly what she had done and how great her boyfriend actually is.  This led to her devaluing me, blaming me, and eventually discarding me. 

Now, we are NC, our friendship is over, and she is moving across the country with her boyfriend.  Two months after looking at a house with me, she is moving across the country with him. 

My situation was doomed from the start.  If she would have left him for me, our relationship would have eventually reached the devaluation stage, and I would have been miserable.  And when cheating occurs with a pwBPD and the person's SO doesn't find out, the only person in that situation who suffers is the person on the side.  He has no idea what happened.  She continued on with her life.  I spent my summer vacation on BPD Family and am now realizing that I go back to work in less than three weeks and have basically done nothing all summer.   

[waverider]

OK, you guys have some great advice, I'll certainly keep them in mind.

Now how do I deal with this feeling of guilt because getting out now seems like a cop out, considering for a month I've been talking to her with some flirting here and there, knowing she had a bf? If I go no contact it should've been at the moment I knew her status

Put guilt aside, it is a powerful tool to get you to do what you shouldn't.

You will not negotiate your way out of anything.

Sit down and carefully work out what is right and wrong by your values. Work out what ground rules would need to be for going forward.  Decide what you want to do and what realistic goals and outcomes can eventuate.

Forget about "magical thinking" that is expecting things to happen with no real concrete reason for that to happen.

If you decide you want in, then set down the conditions about what is happening rather than on any "potential" or promises. "Things will be better after we get over ABC issue" is typical delusion thinking that we get sucked into. There is a whole alphabet to work through after whatever the current hurdle is.