Ex is a vulnerable narcissist.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It is around 6 weeks since my then partner suddenly announced our break up (a 19 yr r/s). I have been in therapy and doing much piecing together of the  picture. I think she has vulnerable narcissist traits.

Prior to me, she only had relationships with mothers. I also am a mother. I was always very devoted ( being a nurturing character type) and my daughter being emotionally delicate (now diagnosed with BPD). I sometimes used to wonder whether she was jealous of my d. She used to say that we were unnaturally close - which was nonsense.

I did however, love my partner very much and did the big nurture thing with her too. Sometimes people would comment that she was like my teenage son! I administrated all of the house stuff, paid for most holidays, bought food, cooked it. She certainly thrived. Sometimes she would talk sneeringly about other people being 'leeches'. I can now see that, in fact, she was the leech and I was the bounteous supply.

I have learned in therapy that my nurturing overdrive comes from living with a mother with a PD and fierce tempers that I tried to head off by  doing household tasks and helping out. As a child, I was like a little mother.  I certainly have continued to do this stuff: trying to make a harmonious home whilst living with my delicate child and a partner who was clearly using me as narcissistic maternal supply.

During the relationship, my ex was emotionally restricted,  physical stuff was too difficult for her; she claimed to have mega sensitive skin. She very rarely would communicate anything loving or affectionate and she had a fear of engulfment; creating little bolt holes in places (broken down caravan, allotment etc). She was always beset by vague illness, depressions, fatigues and 'feeling stuck'. She had huge reactions when faced with anything she perceived as criticism. Even a benign comment about taking a certain road to a destination, whist in the car, would cause her to have  an angry outburst. Towards the later years, I remained silent about the small stuff.

I could not, however, remain silent about my partner's escalating invalidation of my d. Over the years, this was the major source of conflict:  I would challenge her over the overt invalidations. My partner would react badly. Sometimes there would be an improvement and my partner would   attempt to be pleasant to my d. This never lasted more than 2 days and we were back to where we started. In the end, my partner moved out into a flat. In retrospect, I think she felt anger and resentment for me (us) which has certainly resurfaced recently.

This past year, my, now adult d had a breakdown and moved out. Communication became impossible between us and she was eventually diagnosed with BPD. I had to work long and hard to repair this rift between us (using this site and the tools). She has revealed to me her most hidden and painful experiences over the year - much of her pain coming from the emotionally invalidating interactions of my partner.

As part of the pledge I took, on this site, I undertook to educate family members. When I finally sat down with my then partner and used the words 'emotional abuse', I think the shame was too much and impossible for her to process, as I had processed mine (choosing and staying with this partner to live with my daughter). As usual, she expressed little emotion and gave few comments, nodding along to give the illusion of processing.

Shortly after this she told me that she had 'made her decision' and that she was leaving the relationship. Her aunt had bought her a house to live in. She wanted to just be calm and live there. It was all very sudden and shoddy after 19 yrs. She told me she does not want another relationship but she has already started to hang around the most motherly of our mutual friends (eating at her house etc). It looks to me like she has found another source of maternal supply.

I have been devastated by the ease she left and how little actually seemed to care about me. She has not expressed one tiny bit of remorse, either for her part in my daughter's  mental health decline or for the fact that she has hurt me deeply. The nearest she gets to this is, "I know I have hurt you."

I have felt like a part is missing from me - but lately, I have come to understand that I have a chance to move on from interacting with a challenging partner and creating a better, truly harmonious life for my daughter and myself, free from the chains of incessant nurture.

I have given my ex partner almost two decades of my life - and that is too much to give - especially to someone who loves in a leech like way.

[Missp]

It is around 6 weeks since my then partner suddenly announced our break up (a 19 yr r/s). I have been in therapy and doing much piecing together of the  picture. I think she has vulnerable narcissist traits.

Prior to me, she only had relationships with mothers. I also am a mother. I was always very devoted ( being a nurturing character type) and my daughter being emotionally delicate (now diagnosed with BPD). I sometimes used to wonder whether she was jealous of my d. She used to say that we were unnaturally close - which was nonsense.

I did however, love my partner very much and did the big nurture thing with her too. Sometimes people would comment that she was like my teenage son! I administrated all of the house stuff, paid for most holidays, bought food, cooked it. She certainly thrived. Sometimes she would talk sneeringly about other people being 'leeches'. I can now see that, in fact, she was the leech and I was the bounteous supply.

I have learned in therapy that my nurturing overdrive comes from living with a mother with a PD and fierce tempers that I tried to head off by  doing household tasks and helping out. As a child, I was like a little mother.  I certainly have continued to do this stuff: trying to make a harmonious home whilst living with my delicate child and a partner who was clearly using me as narcissistic maternal supply.

During the relationship, my ex was emotionally restricted,  physical stuff was too difficult for her; she claimed to have mega sensitive skin. She very rarely would communicate anything loving or affectionate and she had a fear of engulfment; creating little bolt holes in places (broken down caravan, allotment etc). She was always beset by vague illness, depressions, fatigues and 'feeling stuck'. She had huge reactions when faced with anything she perceived as criticism. Even a benign comment about taking a certain road to a destination, whist in the car, would cause her to have  an angry outburst. Towards the later years, I remained silent about the small stuff.

I could not, however, remain silent about my partner's escalating invalidation of my d. Over the years, this was the major source of conflict:  I would challenge her over the overt invalidations. My partner would react badly. Sometimes there would be an improvement and my partner would   attempt to be pleasant to my d. This never lasted more than 2 days and we were back to where we started. In the end, my partner moved out into a flat. In retrospect, I think she felt anger and resentment for me (us) which has certainly resurfaced recently.

This past year, my, now adult d had a breakdown and moved out. Communication became impossible between us and she was eventually diagnosed with BPD. I had to work long and hard to repair this rift between us (using this site and the tools). She has revealed to me her most hidden and painful experiences over the year - much of her pain coming from the emotionally invalidating interactions of my partner.

As part of the pledge I took, on this site, I undertook to educate family members. When I finally sat down with my then partner and used the words 'emotional abuse', I think the shame was too much and impossible for her to process, as I had processed mine (choosing and staying with this partner to live with my daughter). As usual, she expressed little emotion and gave few comments, nodding along to give the illusion of processing.

Shortly after this she told me that she had 'made her decision' and that she was leaving the relationship. Her aunt had bought her a house to live in. She wanted to just be calm and live there. It was all very sudden and shoddy after 19 yrs. She told me she does not want another relationship but she has already started to hang around the most motherly of our mutual friends (eating at her house etc). It looks to me like she has found another source of maternal supply.

I have been devastated by the ease she left and how little actually seemed to care about me. She has not expressed one tiny bit of remorse, either for her part in my daughter's  mental health decline or for the fact that she has hurt me deeply. The nearest she gets to this is, "I know I have hurt you."

I have felt like a part is missing from me - but lately, I have come to understand that I have a chance to move on from interacting with a challenging partner and creating a better, truly harmonious life for my daughter and myself, free from the chains of incessant nurture.

I have given my ex partner almost two decades of my life - and that is too much to give - especially to someone who loves in a leech like way.

[once removed]

hey missp  

how painful that this person came between you and your daughter. its a very difficult choice to make, let alone reach, but i think you did the right thing. hard to imagine a healthy, stable relationship, with this person invalidating your daughter. my ex did the same thing with my mother. i felt similarly to you, in that the problem would go away for a while.

im also sorry to hear about your daughters struggles and diagnosis. it sounds like you have made her feel validated. it sounds like you are there for her. it took some courage to tell you how she was feeling/had felt. i wish her the absolute best in recovery.

"I have been devastated by the ease she left and how little actually seemed to care about me. She has not expressed one tiny bit of remorse, either for her part in my daughter's  mental health decline or for the fact that she has hurt me deeply. The nearest she gets to this is, "I know I have hurt you."

it is devastating  . i remember thinking about how difficult it was to forgive someone who hadnt expressed and probably felt no remorse. of course, forgiveness is more for us, and our peace of mind, but it takes time to reach. "i know i have hurt you" may be the best she can offer. your hurt is justified and will take some time to work through. this was a nineteen year relationship, nevermind a personality disorder, thats nineteen years to grieve. its understandable that you feel like a part is missing from you. i think when you say:

"but lately, I have come to understand that I have a chance to move on from interacting with a challenging partner and creating a better, truly harmonious life for my daughter and myself, free from the chains of incessant nurture."

that you are really on the right track. what are you doing to create a better, truly harmonious life for you and your daughter?

[Turkish]

Being Parentified, a "little mother." It's understandable how you stayed with what was familiar. We know what we know, and we don't know what we don't know. Have you thought about posting on the Coping and Healing Board to talk about this? It might help process the present by processing the past. I wandered over there after months of landing here as a Leaver. Interacting there helped me gain perspective on the present. You are not alone.

Turkish

[Missp]

Thank you for your responses; the support from people on this board is a lifesaver, for me.

My dd and I now see each other several times a week and I enjoy those times immensely. Often we end up processing the past - but always, it is in a healthy way. I know that for her to say it and have me acknowledge it and validate it is healing. I have asked her to tell me no more lies (she wanted to spare me) as both her and I would much rather face the stark truth than the pain and fear involved in lying.

We spent a day at a spa together (w both loved it). Sometimes, we just sit in the garden and chat. The other day, in the garden, she just came out with, "I feel happy." For me, it was just like every flower in the garden burst open! We also discuss other sweet things to do together. We have afternoon tea in a hotel and a boating trip, at a local park planned.

I have had the most terrible year of my life. However, I have learned so much and I am changed for the better, however painful that has been. I feel better prepared for the ups and downs in my daughter's life.

In addition to this, the knowledge and skills learned from this site has made me a better teacher. I now see the 5% of emotionally vulnerable children, in class, and can validate them (as a priority). The others too! The downside of this is that I see the systematic invalidation that humans dish out everywhere. My daughter and I discuss this, too.