Unravelling already (1)

[maxsterling]

Today was her first official day of work.  This morning, the complaint was that she has no nice clothes or shoes to wear.  She went through outfit after outfit.  Bear in mind, in two years I have seen her buy and get rid of more clothes than I have owned in my whole life.  She kept making comments about her looking like a "homeless person" and blaming things on me.  I told her that if she does not like her clothes, to go out and buy new clothes.  She said that she has no money (not true).  I reminded her that the clothes are for her job, and the job brings her money.  She turned it around, that it's not worth having a job if she needs to buy clothes for the job.  In other words, she can't work because she has no clothes because she has no money.         

Then her issue was that she had no time to make lunch.  And then how she was going to carry all her stuff from her car into the building... .

I know it's just nervousness - but her reaction to the nervousness was certainly extreme.  

My goal is to stay out of the way as much as possible.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byfaith]

 

My heart goes out to you when I read your posts. I wish I had advice for you. I can say I have seen my wife exhibit these behaviors just on different things. At this point my wife won't even go out of the house.  I agree     

BTW I hope your MRI results come out ok.

best regards

BF

[Cat Familiar]

Yikes. I'm glad you had a bit of a break before her school year started.   

[maxsterling]

So far, I have heard that they are feeding them lunch and breakfast the next three days.  Good news, I guess.  But, I have already heard the complaint - the lunch they served was "not the healthiest" and the cake they had for desert made her feel "disgusting".     Gaa.  The negativity never ends.  It's like being with a child who says nothing but "no".  I think my plan is to quit responding to all this negativity.

[Verbena]

I think that is an excellent idea, Max. What is the point of validating every complaint she has. It's a no-win situation for you anyway. What about just saying you're sorry abs know she will figure it out. End of story.

[Ceruleanblue]

Max, you and I should make a pact to just not react to our partners negativity! My parents still grumble to each other over things, which I always found cute, but the degree of negativity I put up with daily is on a whole other level. Plus, my folks, married 60 some years, didn't always think negatively of EACH OTHER! They are still each others' best friend. I often wonder how I ended up in this situation when I was raised in such a loving, healthy marriage.

When you say you are going to quit responding to the negativity, what do you mean by that? No response at all, or short answers, and change of subject? I usually try to validate, or empathize, but I wonder if that just earns me hearing more of his negativity?

[waverider]

She complains, you try to suggest a logical fix, that provides a spring board for her to dive into all the reasons why her lot is so bad.

These are her issues don't try to suggest a fix. Put away the springboard, there will be less ripples.

Logic man always tries to be a life saver for someone who revels in drowning. Logic man gets exhausted as he can't see that the logical thing is to stop diving in and trying to pull someone out of their comfort zone

[Cat Familiar]

She complains, you try to suggest a logical fix, that provides a spring board for her to dive into all the reasons why her lot is so bad.

These are her issues don't try to suggest a fix. Put away the springboard, there will be less ripples.

Logic man always tries to be a life saver for someone who revels in drowning. Logic man gets exhausted as he can't see that the logical thing is to stop diving in and trying to pull someone out of their comfort zone

Wow! Thanks, waverider! This is a tidy explanation of why my life has been so chaotic living with several pwBPD, starting with my mother. Somehow I got the idea that I was supposed to be of service to the people I love and that meant when they complained, trying to assist them to find a solution to their problems. I guess this would be OK if they didn't have BPD (and if it were reciprocal--though I typically don't complain and when I do, it's because I want someone's advice or help, which I accept gratefully).

[formflier]

 

Max,

What is it going to look like... ?  sound like... ?  When you stop listening to this... .

Which... I think is a wonderful idea...

Are you going to suggest that you are willing to listen and talk to her about other "positive" things? 

Part of me says that is a good idea... .part of me says that is inviting a fight of some sort... .

FF

[Verbena]

Max, my husband is very, very negative so I know how awful it is to deal with the constant complaints. I've been doing it for 33 years. His negativity is one of the primary reasons I have detached from him and keep my contact with him to a minimum. I just can't take it.

I get the impression that your wife's negativity is a very big issue for you. For your own sanitiY, you do need a different strategy for dealing with it.

On another note, I am so surprised teachers are returning to work on July 29. Wow, that is really early. When do the students return?

I agree with FF that if you tell your wife you will not engage in her constant complaining, she will likely explode. But she could explode at any time anyway. When I stopped asking my husband why he was so angry all the time and started shutting down in the face of his incessant b___ing and moaning, his reaction was to talk less. I doubt this will be the case for your wife though.

[maxsterling]

Yesterday, there was a brief few moments where I honestly questioned whether I was dying.  I think this was triggered by me stepping on the scale this morning and despite my best efforts, I had not regained any of the weight that I had lost over the past few months.  And then I thought about it, and losing 30 pounds in less than a year is quite a bit for someone who is trying to lose weight, let alone someone who isn't.

My worry was not so much that I have some kind of cancer or disease, but that it is just stress that is behind all of it.  But I do have a small worry that there is something else going on.  

My self image is really low these days.   I feel sickly, defective, and inadequate.  I think that is from a few years of having my boundaries trampled.  I don't feel like sex, not just with my wife, but just not sexual at all.  The new part time job is helping me feel better about myself.  So is the group therapy.  But all in all, I just feel low.  

W stared in on me last night right before bed about how she is ovulating next week      This after freaking out about her job and money earlier in the day, after freaking out about my health the night before, and despite that we haven't even had sex in two months or more.  So I interpret things like this "Life sucks, I hate everything and everyone, I don't want to work, we have no money, you aren't a good husband, you do everything wrong, let's try to make a baby next week."

So, I replied honestly by saying that I have serious concerns about my own health, that I sometimes feel like I am dying, and that I don't feel sexual right now.  And her reaction went from lecturing me about being strong and not telling myself I am dying, to eventually crying hysterically.  

[formflier]

 

Max,

Remind me again what your status is with your dr visits and complete workup kinda stuff.

I remember discussion in the past... .but don't remember outcome.

FF

[maxsterling]

FF-

I went to the dr last month because of ringing in my ears.  The dr. referred me to an ENT specialist, but also at that time I realized that I had lost 30 lbs probably in the last 6 months.  I felt alarmed by that.  I left just assuming that the ringing had to do with my wife's screaming, and the weight loss had to do with stress and depression.  So, I have tried making an effort to re-gain weight and avoid loud noises.  The ENT specialist sent me for a blood test, a hearing test, and an MRI.  The hearing test said my hearing was normal for a man my age, but have not yet heard the results of the blood test or MRI.

In the mean time, and acquaintance of mine was having inner ear problems and dizziness, and went to the dr who eventually did an MRI and found a brain tumor.  He had surgery, and died in the operating room.  He was not much older than me.   I think that scared me a bit. 

Yesterday morning, I stepped on the scale to learn that I have not regained any weight.  I think that freaked me out a little.  I know that unexplained weight loss can be the first symptom of many illnesses.  But it can also be due to stress or depression, both of which I am experiencing now.

I also was in my Ps office the other day, and discussing my hearing problems and if they could be related to the ADHD medicine I am taking.  He said it is possible, but I am on a really low dose.  He asked if I had these problems prior to medication, and I said yes, but now they seem worse.  He suggested that perhaps the medicine is making me pay more attention to annoying things.  I told him it was not unbearable, so I did not want to make any changes to meds until my other test results came back.  He also asked if I had ever been diagnosed as autistic, and that sensitivity to hearing is a symptom of autism.  I told him "no", and he said that autism is a spectrum disorder, and it is possible that I may be a very high functioning autistic person, but that at age 39, such a diagnosis would be meaningless so it's not really even worth discussing.

[Daniell85]

My son has adhd. Anxiety issues, also.

He began treatment for the ADHD, taking Adderall.

He is about 6 feet tall and was 245 pounds when he began the meds. Over the course of a year, he lost about 70 pounds. Literally his arms looked like sticks.

I was reading an article about Lindsey Lohan. She had been on Adderall for years. The article said that it was common for people who don't need the meds in Hollywood to take it in order to kill their appetites.

Even if you are on a low dose, your body chemistry may be highly sensitive. It could be effecting you.

I'm not trying to invalidate your experiences with your wife   just share my experience with the adhd and the meds.

[Verbena]

Max, I hope you get some answers soon on your health issues. I know this is adding to your stress.

Since your wife is still determined to get pregnant, could you put an end to this topic by just speaking the truth as you have here?

Something like "Wife, since you hate everyone and everything, think I am the cause of your problems, believe I have a neurological disorder, feel we have no money, don't want to work,  have recently attempted suicide, and have been violent and removed from our home, do you think having a baby is a good idea"?


While it may be true that your heath concerns are an issue for you not wanting to have a baby (and those issues are likely the result of living with her chaos ) the real issues are her mental illness and the behavior resulting from that. This is the truth and she should hear it in my opinion.

[formflier]

 

Max,

what was your starting... and ending weight? Height?

I'm 6 foot 2.  Righ now I'm stuck at 240lbs.  I would like to get down to 220 or so.  I topped out in the 260 to 270 range.  I'm 45 years old... metabolism has slowed waaaay down.

I'm a big frame guy (football lineman in high school)

Most people are shocked when I tell them how much I weigh... .I guess it's proportioned.

Anyway... .I'm trying to put this in context.

I know the reason I 'm not loosing... .I've ease up on being disciplined about eating... but I am still walking and doing light exercises pretty well.

My guess is that you should do nothing until MRI results... .and look at other results.

If it's been a while... .several years... .since a full workup with a GP... .just about every lab you can think of... etc etc... .

might be good idea.

Any family health history issues (colon cancer... that kind of thing?)

I say that because I had buddy with family history.  He pestered the flight surgeon to get a colonoscopy when he was in his 30s... .flight surgeon laughed at him... .so did we.  Anyway... .he finally got one and found a very small cancer.

That was the first of our group (naval aviators from same class) to fight cancer... .he caught it early... .and won.

Getting older is fun... .huh?  

FF

[Verbena]

Max, maybe I was a bit harsh earlier.  I just felt like your response to your wife when she made the ovulation comment was a major walking on eggshells, something we are not supposed to do with our  BPD loved ones--not that I haven't done it myself.

I get that you are not up to dealing with a big dysregulation right now, and I get that your wife's extreme BPD would almost certainly guarantee one if you were to say to her what I suggested. 

Sometimes I do feel, though, that we nons needs to speak the truth, especially when serious issues (like making a baby) are at issue.  It's not up to us if the pwBPD chooses to accept the truth. It's still true.   

Maybe a kinder, gentler version would go something like this:

"Wife, I understand that you want us to have a baby.  Do you have any concerns around this happening?  I am asking you this because of your comments about how you see me as a husband,  our finances, your unhappiness with your life, etc. " 

This puts the ball back in her court.  If she has a meltdown over being asked these questions, could she then not MAYBE see your point?  She has to know she is far too unstable to be a mother. 

[Cat Familiar]

Max, how is it going? Have you gotten your MRI results? Is your wife doing OK now that she's working? Let us hear from you.   

[maxsterling]

I dealt with a dysreg yesterday morning when i was trying to help her with her classroom.  Lesson learned - dont offer to help.   Then it was 100% negativity from her the rest of the day.  I removed myself from it by working a second job, but still feel exhausted from the negativity.

[KateCat]

max,

Remember last year?

Your wife yelled at some children. Parents became involved. School directed another teacher to mentor your wife. Contention between your wife and the mentor ensued. Your wife was put on administrative leave. Then terminated.

How about not helping her at this stage and instead letting her flame out before children are involved?

Any of us who've been teachers can just see the storm gathering, I think.

[Verbena]

max,

Remember last year?

Your wife yelled at some children. Parents became involved. School directed another teacher to mentor your wife. Contention between your wife and the mentor ensued. Your wife was put on administrative leave. Then terminated.

How about not helping her at this stage and instead letting her flame out before children are involved?

Any of us who've been teachers can just see the storm gathering, I think.

My thoughts exactly. It is tough on kids to start the year with a teacher and then get a new one early on.  It would be better for them if your wife isn't there when school starts.  There is no indication she could possibly make it even for the first six-weeks.  I know that sounds terrible to say, but it's just the reality.

[Daniell85]

I think it's a good idea to leave her on her own in the classroom, instead of standing in for her to take out her anxiety and frustration on. It's still a couple weeks or so before school starts, so hopefully she will make the classroom her "place" and prepare herself mentally and emotionally for what's to come. She knows what is at stake, she already had the experience of things going bad last time.

Cross fingers! 

[maxsterling]

Verbena - I understand completely.  She's already talking about how she thinks the other teachers don't like her, how much stress she is under, and how much work she has to do.  I see a more positive attitude this time, but then again, I've been fooled before.  Several times.  And you are spot on - the sad reality is, she's had 7 jobs in the 2.5 years I have known her.  2 she never started, 1 she quit before the end of the first week, 4 she never finished out her contract.  Realistically, the same will happen again.  I see where she has made no significant changes that will ensure success this time.  The only differences are that this job is closer to home, we are married now, and she does have a regular T that she has been seeing for awhile.  But none of that is really drastic change from the way things were before.  Her coping mechanisms are no different. 

[Verbena]

The only differences are that this job is closer to home, we are married now, and she does have a regular T that she has been seeing for awhile.

Of those three factors that are different, two have made no difference in her behavior at all.  Being closer to home could reduce her stress,  but she's already getting so wound up that I don't see it making that much difference. 

I know you wish she could get and keep a job.  She just seems so determined to continue on the same path of destruction.  I'm glad you walked out on helping her with her classroom.  You do everything you can for her, and she just can't/won't stop herself from treating you like her worst enemy. 

You deserve better than this. 

[KateCat]

The only differences are that this job is closer to home, we are married now, and she does have a regular T that she has been seeing for awhile.

These things may make your wife more dangerous to herself and others.

Don't these things make it harder for her to see herself as a victim now? Don't they make it harder for others to see her as a victim? And doesn't she need to be seen as a victim to remain in her own particular comfort zone?

It's since you two married that your wife has battered you to the point of injury and openly declared that she wanted to kill you.

Can you take additional personal precautions these next few weeks to ensure your safety?

Sorry to keep harping on this "teacher" theme, but I think it's the element that will ignite the fuse this time.

[Verbena]

Max, some elements are coming together that point toward your situation becoming very dangerous.  

One, your wife is moving toward another disaster with another job.  She's already talking of other teachers not liking her and too much work.  If (or more likely WHEN) she quits or is fired, it is going to be your fault.  

Two, she is ovulating this week and you've put her off again with making a baby. This has always been your fault.  

Three, you are waiting for MRI results.  It's not that your wife will be upset and concerned for you if the test results show a problem.  She will be upset because it's not about HER.

You can't do anything about her job situation.  I would distance myself completely from this one. No more helping her with anything, even at home.  It will just blow up in your face if you do.  

As far as her getting pregnant, nothing you can say other than "sure, let's get right on that" is what she wants to hear.  And you know that would be a terrible idea.  

If the MRI results do show a problem, I would not even tell her.  You won't get sympathy or support because she's not capable of it, and telling her something could be wrong could be the trigger for another violent episode.  

The more time that passes with her not recognizing she is seriously ill and not being accountable for her behavior, the more failures and frustrations she faces,  the closer she moves to the point of no return.  I know you realize she is very sick, but I'm not sure you have faced the very real possibility that your wife could kill you. 

She has said you make her "feel violent."   She has physically assaulted you and never apologized for it or expressed remorse for it.  In fact, she has rewritten history and said she didn't hit you this last time at all, but only sat on you, and you calling the police was a form of control over her.   She  has SAID she wants to kill you.  How many more red flags do you need?  

Prepare for the worst in the coming days.  Keep your phone and keys close by, let someone know things could get bad and that you will need to stay with them, don't turn your back on her, lock yourself in the other room again if you sense any meltdown coming.  

That Order of Protection you have could be what saves you.  

[maxsterling]

Thanks verbena   Sometimes I need reminders of how bad it has been and could be again. 

I feel better about handling this than I did a few months ago.  I credit people on this site, the group therapy, and Alanon.  Yes, this has the makings of a bad week.  Last night, she was feeling anxious, this morning, the same.  I was able to communicate with her about it, rather than just ignore it, by asking her what it felt like, asking her if she could rationalize why, validating that we all feel anxious when starting a new job, and asking her about what the anxiety does to her.  I also challenged her to postulate the worst that could happen. 

Yes, this is a very pivotal week.  But, I think it could be pivotal both directions, and I need not be scared of the potential dysregulation.  It could be where she becomes completely unglued and blames me, or it could be the week where she finally recognizes she needs a different kind of help from her P or T.  I think I have an opportunity this week to direct her towards her professional support system rather than me.  We'll see how it goes.

[Cat Familiar]

Max, several of us are very concerned about your safety. It appears that you are minimizing these issues, which I understand, as a former victim of abuse. To have to be on guard constantly with the person who is supposed to love us is not a comfortable place.

However, based upon your wife's lack of remorse, rewriting of history and current stress level, I think you need to be very watchful for her spiraling out of control.

If she loses this job, she doesn't seem like she has much to live for, other than the pipe dream of having a baby.

As they say in the investment market, "Past performance does not guarantee future results," but in the betting market, your wife's previous behavior is a strong indicator that she is likely to respond that way in the future. Please have your safety plan in mind at all times.

[KateCat]

Max, what was it again that ended the life of your wife's mother? Are there any specific precautions that would be helpful to take now if you can in any way imagine a similar outcome for your wife?

[Verbena]

Max, I am going to make one final suggestion for your safety and then I'll shut up.  YOu may think I'm crazy and maybe everyone else here will too, but here goes.

I think you need to buy a taser.  Keep it in your pants pocket at all times when you are home alone with your wife.  At night, if you are sleeping in the same room with her, put it under the mattress.  Take it out again in the morning and put back in your pants pocket.  If you are sleeping in the other room with the door locked for your protection as you have done in the past, keep it close by.  

Hopefully you will never have to use it, but what if you need it?  What if you had had one the last time she hit you in the head with her phone? What if the next time she grabs a knife from the drawer and comes at you with it?  You are living with a person you know to be violent and on a downward spiral.  If I were in your shoes, I would want to protect myself as best I could.