Following the BPs Script

[JohnnyShoes]

I've had 1 or 2 BPgfs before. My previous one was a real mind/soul crusher.

Anyway... I started seeing this girl. I took her out Saturday night May 27. I knew THEN something wasn't right! Lost my job the following week. Told her about it in conversation. Saturday comes, I had not called... .but she calls me. Wants to Treat Me. She said she wouldn't take no for an answer. We went out. I still felt like she was not someone I could fall for.  We went out the following Saturday... that was the 3 rd date. Nothing different other than I felt she was someone I wanted to steer clear from. 2 weeks go by and I'm second guessing myself. Perhaps I'm too critical too judgmental... I make contact. Its the 3th of July and I ask if she had plans for the 4th. She says she's gotta work a night shift, but she's available on the 3rd. This is where I begin to bite the bait... .to play with the magical thinking. We had a fun night. I wanted more and saw her on the 4th for a romantic meeting at the beach... I surprise her with wine and shrimp and an evening to watch the fireworks (the rain pre empted that) ... so we went elsewhere... she was seducing me... .I was fighting it. I told her we should wait. She playfully continued. I gave in that night. 2 rabbits we were. Slowly after that... I was experiencing what I would call... The Slow Boiled Frog.

We would go out once a week. I told her I didn't like her picking up the tab, she said she didn't mind and said she knew in time that would change when I found work again

Triangulation enters... but its her Job. And its her being tired. She was very very slowly pushing me away... .I felt frustrated and couldn't out my finger on it.

One night while on phone (which meant she talked and I listened... .basically)

I told her how I felt... that I felt Alone WHILE with her... and that I needed her to listen to my feelings.

Well... .she saw it like "How Dare I"

Bear with me... .I'm coming to the Script thing.

I feel that my whole interaction with her was that... She Was Happy... .As long as I followed her script. If I didn't, I was the one that was causing the problem.

Been reading this board for the past 3 days... and I am 90% sure she is exhibiting these BPD traits.

Everything resonates. ... but I'm not going down this effin road of a disordered person no more.

So right now... I'm on guard.

I have blocked her ... and now 2nd guessing myself again and Unblocked her again.This is where I'm at.

I know how this ends.

I know what I "should" do.

But I really liked having someone on my arm when we went out. She has bought me things and not long after July 4th... started the I Love You talk.

I feel like she's trying to Obligate me into this relationship thing.

I miss the chick I was enjoying... the laughing and having each others back... .but lately... .I've seen where she doesn't Hear Me... .doesn't See Me... like what I feel and have to say doesn't matter.

Only thing that matters is Following HER script.

Sorry, but the more I stay with her, the more I feel I can disappear (like I once did in a previous BPD relationship... .Which was 9 years ago)

I'm on the fence.

She just texted me 25 mins ago. Full of manipulation about how I dont care... .especially about people who love me... .and Have A Nice Life, since you dont want me in it.

Its the addiction I feel towards this relationship... .its the dance that got me in a trance... .but I'm trying to gain the COURAGE and STRENGTH I know I'm gonna need to go NC and Stay NC.

Thanks for letting me tell most if this story.

[Suzn]

Hello JohnnyShoes

I'm sorry you're going through this with your gf.    It's understandable to feel a need to be cautious when we have been hurt in the past.

Sorry, but the more I stay with her, the more I feel I can disappear (like I once did in a previous BPD relationship... .Which was 9 years ago)

What does disappearing look like for you? What happened here?

I'm on the fence.

She just texted me 25 mins ago. Full of manipulation about how I dont care... .especially about people who love me... .and Have A Nice Life, since you dont want me in it.

This does sound manipulative. Maybe taking a step back for a breather, for you, for right now. This is step 2 in Choosing a Path.

Let go of the drama and who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama

Step 2 - Take a step backward

Things aren't as they once were. They probably haven't been for a long time. You have tried everything you can to resolve matters. Things got better for a while, but there were problems again. For some things, you have just given up.

It may not be obvious to you,but all of this has damaged you. You are likely now a part of the problem, too. Most likely you have lost your ability to see things clearly. You may have lost your ability to feel things properly. You may be deeply caught up in the drama, too close to everything to actually see.

You need space. Emotional space. Intellectual space.

This may not be easy to do. In the past this may have triggered your partner to be more consuming and needy. Or maybe they pushed you away and became angry or retaliatory. Or maybe you wanted them to notice and they didn't, leaving you feeling hurt.

When our partner suffers from borderline personality disorder, they often like to control our "space". It gives them comfort. Taking away that comfort is often triggering to them. After all, fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity are classic symptoms of this disorder.

So, this is a bit of a delicate thing. The objective is not to move out and live on a mountain - it is simply to let go of the drama and the battle of who is right/wrong. Let go of the hurt feelings or the resentment just enough to take yourself out of the day to day drama - long enough for you to see things more clearly.

You should do this privately without notifying your partner - just quietly make time. Maybe take more time at the gym, more time in the yard working, maybe extend a business trip by a day or two. Quietly clear enough time/peace so you can re-balance yourself, think more clearly, and be a little more open minded.

For now, accept that things are not what you want them to be, that they may not be fair, and that bad things have happened. Accept that your partner has a complex disorder that is not just going to go away. This is not to say that we should agree with any of this or to say that it is OK. It's just important to surrender a bit here, let go of the drama.

How do you do this? You know your partner better than anyone. You know what it will take. Maybe admit that you are wrong, maybe postpone things, maybe give in to some simple things your partner wants. It's not a lifetime commitment, it's just a way to buy time.

Self care is important here - see your dentist, exercise, get enough sleep, eat well. This will all help to clear your mind.

They may feel they "won". You may feel they "won". Just take comfort in knowing that the wise general knows about sacrificing a battle to win the overall war. For now, we're probably not sure exactly what war this is and this is one of the reasons why you need this healthy space.

Its the addiction I feel towards this relationship... .its the dance that got me in a trance... .but I'm trying to gain the COURAGE and STRENGTH I know I'm gonna need to go NC and Stay NC.

Yes, these relationships can be akin to addiction. It's ok to take a new relationship slow or decide you aren't ready just yet. It's ok to change your mind, in either direction. We are here for you with whatever you decide is right for you.

Welcome to the family JohnnyShoes.

 

[repititionqueen]

Hi Johnny!

Listen to your intuition and be careful in this new relationship!

I think that this line in your post says a lot "I really liked having someone on my arm when we went out."

Someone.

Don't let yourself be vulnerable to a BPD relationship because you feel lonely or want "Someone".

I know it's hard to be alone and I myself desperately miss being in a relationship but its just not worth it if it's not with the right person. Until you come to terms with this feeling you could be at risk of bringing more people with BPD into your life.

Try to think about why you could be attracting people wBPD and focus on yourself first. I would definitely stay away from this relationship given the flags you've already seen.

[JohnnyShoes]

RepetitionQueen :

Thanks. As I said, I've been in previous BPD relationships... and the last one which I was involved for 5 years ended in 2006. It took me a good 7 years or so to recover from the emotional, spiritual, mental ... and Still Financial trauma... .

So those Red Flags automatically appear when I cross or rather, brush shoulders with a pwBPD.

One of the issues I have is LISTENING to my gut... .and not always second guess myself.

Thanks. I'm going NC... .and perhaps this post should be in the "Leaving The BPD" category.

[JohnnyShoes]

Just to clarify what I meant when I said:

" Disappearing "

When I talk about MY feelings... .she attacks me... .like I'm supposed to just go along with the flow... despite the times/moments when I feel my feelings get hurt, or she doesn't even listen to me. Its ALL about her.

If I stay, I'd disappear.

I wouldn't know myself.

That's what I meant.

[Turkish]

Just to clarify what I meant when I said:

" Disappearing "

When I talk about MY feelings... .she attacks me... .like I'm supposed to just go along with the flow... despite the times/moments when I feel my feelings get hurt, or she doesn't even listen to me. Its ALL about her.

If I stay, I'd disappear.

I wouldn't know myself.

That's what I meant.

I was with my Ex fir 6 years. We have two kids. After being alone for so long, and feeling long in the toith, I met her. She was much younger, very pretty, and paid attention to me. I liked having her on my arm. Though we were friends fir a few months, she started the push-pull on the first date. It was weird. I was angry, and my gut told me to drop her. Yet I didn't, and here I am.

I get what you mean about it being about her. She abandoned me in couples' counseling after one joint session, and she went to two individual ones. My dBPD mom did something similar to me almost 30 years before that. After many months and thousands of dollars my T said, "I don't think she really knew you." How was that possible? One, she was so focused on herself; two, I was so focused on her that I felt I couldn't be the full, real Turkish.

Healthy relationships involve reciprocity. I accepted the Caretaker/Rescuer role in the beginning, yet I resented it later. I was attracted to that from the beginning (to her? Or to fulfilling that role?) pwBPD can be hyper-attuned to the emotions of others, seen through their distorted thinking. She picked up on my resentment, and started looking for another. It could be said that I made a choice to leave, passive-aggresively. The healthy thing may come down to making clear choices by being aware of who our partners are (and aren't), and more imoortantly, who we are (and aren't).

You've been down this road before. Who are you, and what do you want?

Turkish

[JohnnyShoes]

[/quote]
You've been down this road before. Who are you, and what do you want?

Turkish[/quote]
I wasn't looking for anyone when I met her. I felt at the time that it was good to go out on a date. I saw the potential. But at the same time... .I saw a person that needed love. I was drawn into that role of rescue/helper.

I stayed in that frame... .until weeks later, I found my SELF needing reciprocation. What I was giving to her, I then needed to receive.

And it was at THAT moment, I felt and suspected... that I was repeating my early child stuff in this relationship again... .I immediately thought of my mother when growing up.

Yes, there is much here that presents an opportunity to heal and grow and to prevent and steer clear from these issues. I know its hard work.

I might just stay clear from any and all relationships... .I'm believing I'm a BP magnet.

[JQ]

I've had 1 or 2 BPgfs before. My previous one was a real mind/soul crusher.

Anyway... I started seeing this girl. I took her out Saturday night May 27. I knew THEN something wasn't right! Lost my job the following week. Told her about it in conversation. Saturday comes, I had not called... .but she calls me. Wants to Treat Me. She said she wouldn't take no for an answer. We went out. I still felt like she was not someone I could fall for.  We went out the following Saturday... that was the 3 rd date. Nothing different other than I felt she was someone I wanted to steer clear from. 2 weeks go by and I'm second guessing myself. Perhaps I'm too critical too judgmental... I make contact. Its the 3th of July and I ask if she had plans for the 4th. She says she's gotta work a night shift, but she's available on the 3rd. This is where I begin to bite the bait... .to play with the magical thinking. We had a fun night. I wanted more and saw her on the 4th for a romantic meeting at the beach... I surprise her with wine and shrimp and an evening to watch the fireworks (the rain pre empted that) ... so we went elsewhere... she was seducing me... .I was fighting it. I told her we should wait. She playfully continued. I gave in that night. 2 rabbits we were. Slowly after that... I was experiencing what I would call... The Slow Boiled Frog.

We would go out once a week. I told her I didn't like her picking up the tab, she said she didn't mind and said she knew in time that would change when I found work again

Triangulation enters... but its her Job. And its her being tired. She was very very slowly pushing me away... .I felt frustrated and couldn't out my finger on it.

One night while on phone (which meant she talked and I listened... .basically)

I told her how I felt... that I felt Alone WHILE with her... and that I needed her to listen to my feelings.

Well... .she saw it like "How Dare I"

Bear with me... .I'm coming to the Script thing.

I feel that my whole interaction with her was that... She Was Happy... .As long as I followed her script. If I didn't, I was the one that was causing the problem.

Been reading this board for the past 3 days... and I am 90% sure she is exhibiting these BPD traits.

Everything resonates. ... but I'm not going down this effin road of a disordered person no more.

So right now... I'm on guard.

I have blocked her ... and now 2nd guessing myself again and Unblocked her again.This is where I'm at.

I know how this ends.

I know what I "should" do.

But I really liked having someone on my arm when we went out. She has bought me things and not long after July 4th... started the I Love You talk.

I feel like she's trying to Obligate me into this relationship thing.

I miss the chick I was enjoying... the laughing and having each others back... .but lately... .I've seen where she doesn't Hear Me... .doesn't See Me... like what I feel and have to say doesn't matter.

Only thing that matters is Following HER script.

Sorry, but the more I stay with her, the more I feel I can disappear (like I once did in a previous BPD relationship... .Which was 9 years ago)

I'm on the fence.

She just texted me 25 mins ago. Full of manipulation about how I dont care... .especially about people who love me... .and Have A Nice Life, since you dont want me in it.

Its the addiction I feel towards this relationship... .its the dance that got me in a trance... .but I'm trying to gain the COURAGE and STRENGTH I know I'm gonna need to go NC and Stay NC.

Thanks for letting me tell most if this story.

Johnny,

Welcome to the group ... .after reading your post and the post of others ... .it sounds like you know what to do. Trust you gut!  There are 7,856.475.345 people in the world ... .which means there are many more opportunities to find someone to be in a relationship that doesn't give you those negative feelings that you speak of.  It's early in the relationship ... .you haven't spent much in the way of money on her ... .but more important is you have spent much on her in the way of your feelings, soul, heart ... .you are getting off cheap my friend. As you've read here ... .there are many of us who have paid an extraordinary price to be in relationships with someone with BPD.

Your name is JohnnyShoes ... .put them on and walk away ... .don't walk away mad ... .just walk away and live a life that you're meant to live full of happiness, love and friendship with respect of your partner.

JQ

[JohnnyShoes]

Thanks JQ...

Yes I agree. I'm fully aware AND Thank God...

I'm getting away pretty much in tact.

I never gave her my heart completely... .was taking it slow... .but I did go on a few emotional rides with her that brought back to memory a previous BPD relationship... .and then the Red Flags started to fly... .

Towards the end, I can now see she was creating distance, excuses... .tired, I'll, or surprise surprise she had to work, then she had to work graveyard shift temporarily,... .then it looked like graveyard shift permanently.

She lives with her 31 ye old daughter who cusses at her WORSE the a trucker with a stick up his butt. She also told me she walks around the house completely naked in front of her daughter cause she doesn't really look at her daughter LIKE A DAUGHTER... .but looks at her like a friend or roommate!   (?)

Whatever... .

2 days NC and feeling much like my usual self.

House is repaired AND I found work today. Decent pay for 40 hrs week. Which means in a short while, I can better my life and move out of this dump I've been living in for 4 long years.

I'm just taking these days to get stronger ... .getting centered... .and letting the F.O.G. clear!

I

[JQ]

Thanks JQ...

Yes I agree. I'm fully aware AND Thank God...

I'm getting away pretty much in tact.

I never gave her my heart completely... .was taking it slow... .but I did go on a few emotional rides with her that brought back to memory a previous BPD relationship... .and then the Red Flags started to fly... .

Towards the end, I can now see she was creating distance, excuses... .tired, I'll, or surprise surprise she had to work, then she had to work graveyard shift temporarily,... .then it looked like graveyard shift permanently.

She lives with her 31 ye old daughter who cusses at her WORSE the a trucker with a stick up his butt. She also told me she walks around the house completely naked in front of her daughter cause she doesn't really look at her daughter LIKE A DAUGHTER... .but looks at her like a friend or roommate!   (?)

Whatever... .

2 days NC and feeling much like my usual self.

House is repaired AND I found work today. Decent pay for 40 hrs week. Which means in a short while, I can better my life and move out of this dump I've been living in for 4 long years.

I'm just taking these days to get stronger ... .getting centered... .and letting the F.O.G. clear!

I

Johnny Shoes ... .

Congratulations on the new job! It's the first of many good things coming your way!  You are self aware ... ."taking these days to get stronger ... .getting centered and letting the F.O.G. clear" ... .you have learned well young Skywalker ... .you are much farther along then most giving similar stories ... .

If you have a weak moment ... .come back as I do ... .when I read others in the position I was in ... .its therapeutic  ... .and if I can share some words of wisdom ... .ask questions to help someone think about the situation their in ... .

Stay in touch ... .

JQ

[JohnnyShoes]

JQ

Thanks. You bet.

But I'm not going to get too cocky just yet ... I'm still walking across this tight rope from one side of an addictive abusive relationship... .to the other side of Clear skies, clear thinking and better self image and worth.

The strength I do have... is from being in the foxholes of this BPD/NPD stuff 9 years ago.

A living hell, which was my baptism.

It took me a good 7 years to rise to the surface.

Will be popping in definitely

Johnny

[JQ]

JQ

Thanks. You bet.

But I'm not going to get too cocky just yet ... I'm still walking across this tight rope from one side of an addictive abusive relationship... .to the other side of Clear skies, clear thinking and better self image and worth.

The strength I do have... is from being in the foxholes of this BPD/NPD stuff 9 years ago.

A living hell, which was my baptism.

It took me a good 7 years to rise to the surface.

Will be popping in definitely

Johnny

Johnny,

You like me have been BPD battle tested in relationships before. As I said, mine is from a BPD relationship 18 years ago but has reemerged from the depths. The good thing for me is that I don't feel anything romantic for her anymore ... .very much like your first situation. As a human being I care for her as I've learned she has a a real life & death battle with cancer.  Since she has my number (courtesy of my BPD mother) and I currently can't change it due to high need for military & VA personal needs I either ignore her text or calls or if they're answered is very generic and not personal in any nature even thought she tries to.

i really do encourage you to seek out guidance of therapy and find out why you are attracted to someone who is BPD ... .stop the cycle for yourself and raise above it.  Increase your self esteem ... .as I told someone else ... .a GOOD woman is attracted to a man who has high self esteem ... .we all have to work on that at some point in our life and if you can do it in months rather then years you're that much farther ahead.

POP green smoke if you're being overwhelmed ... .we all need that hand up ... .

stay safe

JQ

[JohnnyShoes]

One quick question:

What is POP green smoke?

P.s. I suspect my mother has BPD. I'm her baby... the one left behind for mommy dearest to own. I understand, im chasing that mother/son trauma bond... recreating it... .hoping (subconsciously) to fix it or find a better ending.

I could walk into a room blind folded and pick out the borderline!

[JQ]

One quick question:

What is POP green smoke?

P.s. I suspect my mother has BPD. I'm her baby... the one left behind for mommy dearest to own. I understand, im chasing that mother/son trauma bond... recreating it... .hoping (subconsciously) to fix it or find a better ending.

I could walk into a room blind folded and pick out the borderline!

Johnny,

Pop Green smoke is a military term to mark your location so the quick reaction force or medic helo can ID your location from the bad guy ... .or in your case the BPD gf.  :-D

Knowing the situation is half the battle and because you know that you're probably a codependent and subconscious seek out the BPD gf ... .it's more important then ever to seek out therapy and guidance so that you stop the recycle of BPD gf relationships. Self reflection, being self aware is a hugh step, not add to that support and guidance from someone who knows how to help is the second step. You're a lot farther along then most ... .we as codependents are not ill ... .but it's a learned behavior to as you said it, try to fix it or find a better ending.

I've had to learn that I can't fix my mother or sister ... .I didn't cause it ... .I can't cure it!  Same situation with the exBPD gf ... .I know I can't fix it ... .she'll recycle the situation as long as I will let her ... .or allow it.  I WON'T  allow it ... .I've learned to say no to my mother, my sister and now my ex BPD gf ... .and you know ... .I'm much better off. I don't have those bad feelings ... .I'm not waiting for the next shoe to drop ... .and I'm in a much better place with myself ... .and women know it ... .and once you show self confidence, self esteem, a smile on your face ... .it seems that they are everywhere just waiting for you to ask them out ... .

JQ

[JohnnyShoes]

One quick question:

What is POP green smoke?

P.s. I suspect my mother has BPD. I'm her baby... the one left behind for mommy dearest to own. I understand, im chasing that mother/son trauma bond... recreating it... .hoping (subconsciously) to fix it or find a better ending.

I could walk into a room blind folded and pick out the borderline!

Johnny,

Pop Green smoke is a military term to mark your location so the quick reaction force or medic helo can ID your location from the bad guy ... .or in your case the BPD gf.  :-D

Knowing the situation is half the battle and because you know that you're probably a codependent and subconscious seek out the BPD gf ... .it's more important then ever to seek out therapy and guidance so that you stop the recycle of BPD gf relationships. Self reflection, being self aware is a hugh step, not add to that support and guidance from someone who knows how to help is the second step. You're a lot farther along then most ... .we as codependents are not ill ... .but it's a learned behavior to as you said it, try to fix it or find a better ending.

I've had to learn that I can't fix my mother or sister ... .I didn't cause it ... .I can't cure it~!  Same situation with the exBPD gf ... .I know I can't fix it ... .she'll recycle the situation as long as I will let her ... .or allow it.  I WON'T  allow it ... .I've learned to say no to my mother, my sister and now my ex BPD gf ... .and you know ... .I'm much better off. I don't have those bad feelings ... .I'm not waiting for the next shoe to drop ... .and I'm in a much better place with myself ... .and women know it ... .and once you show self confidence, self esteem, a smile on your face ... .it seems that they are everywhere just waiting for you to ask them out ... .

JQ

Thank you. Had a bad moment these past few hours but I will be fine. I will be ok.