Is it "always" Trauma Bonding?

[Sunfl0wer]

Written in brown below is taken from the following link.

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.

... .

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

So, my title implies some black/white thinking and it would then be easily argued that, no, not "always."

However, it appears to me that a r/s with a person with BPD is going to be intense.  Therefore, does that mean that, for the most part, this r/s will indeed be a "Trauma Bond?"

This would explain the difficulties many experience in leaving this type of a r/s.

It explains why we are so driven to "fix" it.

It explains why so many of us cling on to glimmers of hope when our partner is showing "promise" by being simply less abhorrent in behavior.

[Sunfl0wer]

It also explains my r/s.  I believe he was still being emotionally manipulated and abused by his ex.  Therefore, stuck in a trauma bond with her.  I was helping rescue him, seeing him as a lost fellow PTSD person... .I subjected myself to processing his ongoing trauma by his ex.  Therefore why I say my ex has N/BPD "traits" vs full blown PD... .however, the element of fear and emotional abuse (by her) was present from the beginning and a sort of trauma bond for myself to his life. Then it switched, as he tried to protect his trauma bond to her, he and I became at odds. (Understating it)

[Blimblam]

for a while I identified with the trauma bond as well.  I didn't dig too far into it and eventually began to examine other stuff.  My experience of my relationship with my ex was traumatic but I see it less now as something that was done to me rather than a particular dynamic we both played into.

I noticed you put always in the thread title and then clarified you didn't want to fall into black and white thinking. Also that you put effort into researching topics about the dynamic of your relationship. Do you think your efforts are valid?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Blimblam,

I agree, I do not think my r/s was "done to me" either. I am not a victim here, neither is he.  We are just people interacting with what we have to interact with.

What I am gathering from this definition of trauma bond... .

After reading about it, it became clear to me that I indeed was drawn to my ex because of an element of trauma.  I feel like I joined forces with him "to protect" him from his pending trauma. (By sharing with him insights about it all... .being I am familiar with persons who try to cause harm... .and somewhat... .confortable with trauma.)

I think that I possibly took the whole Karpman triangle, enmeshment, codependency to a different level by adding on this additional element of bonding us through trauma. 

I realize there are attachment styles... .I wonder if mine actually is shaded additionally by this element of trauma.  It appears to me that my familiarity with trauma is being confused with comfort... .in the way I process... .idk tho.  In any event... .How do I separate myself from this? 

Then, generally speaking... .

When I think of person's with BPD, and their hallmark of having an unpredictable emotional intensity that confuses and pains their partner... .  It seems that by definition, all BPD r/s would then be a trauma bond.

Below... .it seems almost like "all" r/s with persons with BPD.

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

So the reason I put "all" is because it appears by definition to fit almost all.  Which is actually my original question.  However, I have a friend who has BPD, mostly recovered after some intense therapy, and I'd say, no, she is an exception and does not fit at this time.

I actually am uncertain about what you mean when you ask if my efforts are valid?  Did I answer it?

[Blimblam]

do you feel you answered it?

[Sunfl0wer]

do you feel you answered it?

I don't actually understand your question.  I gave it a shot anyway... .used it as a springboard to other thinking... .out loud.

I can't know if I answered it.

[Blimblam]

do you feel you answered it?

I don't actually understand your question.  I gave it a shot anyway... .used it as a springboard to other thinking... .out loud.

I can't know if I answered it.

Who decides if you answered or not?

[Sunfl0wer]

do you feel you answered it?

I don't actually understand your question.  I gave it a shot anyway... .used it as a springboard to other thinking... .out loud.

I can't know if I answered it.

Who decides if you answered or not?

Not me... .

If I cannot understand what is being communicated to me, then I cannot see how I could actually know if I replied accordingly.

Actually, I'd guess... .no.  If I did, it was coincidence, or lucky guessing.

[Blimblam]

do you feel you answered it?

I don't actually understand your question.  I gave it a shot anyway... .used it as a springboard to other thinking... .out loud.

I can't know if I answered it.

Who decides if you answered or not?

Not me... .

If I cannot understand what is being communicated to me, then I cannot see how I could actually know if I replied accordingly.

Actually, I'd guess... .no.  If I did, it was coincidence, or lucky guessing.

so what is it you feel that you need to be able to see?