Argh, wanting to get back in touch with the expwBPD after A YEAR

[Suspicious1]

Oh I don't know why this has happened. I've missed him for the last year, though the pain of the breakup largely went away. But now, just recently, I've found myself REALLY drawn to getting back in touch with him. I think having had a year to recover from everything that went on back then, and knowing he has done the same, I can't help feeling we can start over with a clean slate. He has never once tried to charm me back, with the exception of a few push-pull social media messages in the early days, and I know he has a girlfriend now so it would probably be pointless. But I have SUCH a strong urge to send him a message to say hello. I'm supposed to be free of these feelings after all this time, yet here I am, seriously considering it.  :'(

[Lucky Jim]

I have SUCH a strong urge to send him a message to say hello. I'm supposed to be free of these feelings after all this time, yet here I am, seriously considering it. 

Hey Suspicious1, What do you think is the trigger for these feelings?  When the urge to recycle with one's BPDx arises, it's usually because we are focusing on the positive aspects of the r/s, whereas the reality is that there are a lot of negative factors in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Do you need a reminder?  I can't speak for you, but here are a few things I don't miss: walking through a minefield everyday; not knowing what to expect when I came home from work; all-night rages; emotional and physical abuse; violent episodes (punching a hole in the wall, breaking down a door); chaotic and turbulent behavior; abuse of alcohol and drugs; suicide threats; etc.  You get the picture.  Not fun.  Yet I was married to my BPDxW for 16 long years.  My suggestion: pause, and look before you leap into resuming communications.

LuckyJim

[repititionqueen]

Oh I don't know why this has happened. I've missed him for the last year, though the pain of the breakup largely went away. But now, just recently, I've found myself REALLY drawn to getting back in touch with him. I think having had a year to recover from everything that went on back then, and knowing he has done the same, I can't help feeling we can start over with a clean slate. He has never once tried to charm me back, with the exception of a few push-pull social media messages in the early days, and I know he has a girlfriend now so it would probably be pointless. But I have SUCH a strong urge to send him a message to say hello. I'm supposed to be free of these feelings after all this time, yet here I am, seriously considering it.  :'(

I relate to what you're going through so much! I still feel the urge to contact mine at times but thankfully have managed not to. Mine is with a new girl as well. It's definitely not worth contacting him now... .if ever? I still live with hope that there will be a future for us one day... .It's so hard some days. I hope things will be better one day! Just stay strong! If you contact him you will likely regret it immediately after and imagine if he said something nasty to you how hurtful that would be. It's not worth it.   

[Suspicious1]

You are both so right. This place is amazing.

LuckyJim - I'm coming off SSRIs at the moment so my serotonin is all over the place, and I keep getting these really strong triggers and flashbacks. Unlike my brain of the past six months, these last days all I can think of are the good, warm memories; the times I felt safe. My life has a certain amount of grief and upheaval in it at the moment, and it's almost as if my brain is trying to find my safe place. And he did such a good job of convincing me that my safe place was *him*, my brain is telling me to get back there. That's what it feels like. And I'm relying on my intellectual, conscious brain to keep reminding myself how it was the opposite of safe. I'm re-reading my journal to try to recall the reality.

Also, just to add something else to the mix, as part of all this I saw a photo of him with his new gf. That, of course has thrown doubt all over me, and I have the usual "what if it was all my fault" thoughts. I'm reading this for a reality check: "www.relationshipedia.me/2015/07/16/is-the-narcopath-as-happy-with-the-new-woman-as-he-appears-on-facebook/#more-1625", and this bit really stands out

"what struck me most about the picture was something I never noticed before and was my reason for saving it. The sparkle in my eyes already started to fade at only 4 months into the relationship. It’s so subtle, but actually not subtle at all compared to the pictures of me now. You know that sparkle I’m referring to, it’s the one that shines through when you’re filled with inner peace and contentment. That’s what narcopath’s do. They dull your shine. They drain the happiness from your soul and take it for themselves. They aren’t called emotional vampires without good reason".

Facebook never reflects reality.


repetitionqueen - you are so right and it is EXACTLY that which stops me from reaching out. He would be vicious, especially now that he has someone else because he would see that as having the upper hand. Approaching him now would be like offering him the opportunity for revenge on a plate. As you say, I have hopes for "one day". Either one day we'll reconcile, or one day I just won't care anymore. Preferably the latter. But approaching him now would be emotional suicide.

[Lucky Jim]

Also, just to add something else to the mix, as part of all this I saw a photo of him with his new gf. That, of course has thrown doubt all over me, and I have the usual "what if it was all my fault" thoughts.

Suspicious1, Well, there's your trigger.  You are doing the right thing, I think, by acknowledging your feelings, but that doesn't mean you should act on them.  Just experience your feelings and let them pass.

LuckyJim

[apollotech]

I'm coming off SSRIs at the moment so my serotonin is all over the place, and I keep getting these really strong triggers and flashbacks. Unlike my brain of the past six months, these last days all I can think of are the good, warm memories; the times I felt safe. My life has a certain amount of grief and upheaval in it at the moment, and it's almost as if my brain is trying to find my safe place. And he did such a good job of convincing me that my safe place was *him*, my brain is telling me to get back there. That's what it feels like. And I'm relying on my intellectual, conscious brain to keep reminding myself how it was the opposite of safe. I'm re-reading my journal to try to recall the reality.

Hi Suspicious1,

You already have your answer. You'll probably feel differently once your brain chemistry bounces back to normal. I'd at least wait until that occurred before making any decisions/taking any actions. (As the saying goes, you're not yourself right now.)

I'd also ask myself why I think things will be different this time around. Be critical of your answers. There is no starting with a clean slate once you become a trigger. BPD recycling closely follows the laws of entropy, normalcy quickly degenerates into chaos once triggering occurs. Each subsequent recycly demands/consumes a greater amount of resources to maintain the degree/period of normalcy. The normalcy periods become shorter and shorter during each recycle ensuring that the recycles become more frequent. Eventually, all resources are consumed (you, your emotions); chaos/instability reign until the relationship reaches a finality and implodes or explodes as it is no longer maintainable.

[Lucky Jim]

Like how you put that, apollotech.  Analogy to entropy is apt.

Eventually, all resources are consumed (you, your emotions); chaos/instability reign until the relationship reaches a finality and implodes or explodes as it is no longer maintainable.

I describe it as reaching a point when there is nothing left in the tank.  The needle is on empty.  Resources (financial, emotional & physical) are exhausted.  For me, there was no choice but to bail out of my marriage to a pwBPD, as I had drained all my reserves.  Not fun, but pretty typical for a r/s with a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[HappyNihilist]

LuckyJim - I'm coming off SSRIs at the moment so my serotonin is all over the place, and I keep getting these really strong triggers and flashbacks. Unlike my brain of the past six months, these last days all I can think of are the good, warm memories; the times I felt safe. My life has a certain amount of grief and upheaval in it at the moment, and it's almost as if my brain is trying to find my safe place. And he did such a good job of convincing me that my safe place was *him*, my brain is telling me to get back there. That's what it feels like.

   I know exactly what you mean, Suspicious. My exBPDbf also convinced me that my safe place was him. Times of emotional upheaval are when I miss him the most.

You're certainly in a difficult place right now with coming off of SSRIs. It makes sense that you would be so sensitive to triggers and flashbacks, and feel compelled to reach out to someone who convinced you that he was your safety.

I'm relying on my intellectual, conscious brain to keep reminding myself how it was the opposite of safe. I'm re-reading my journal to try to recall the reality.

Re-reading your journal is a great idea. 

Also, just to add something else to the mix, as part of all this I saw a photo of him with his new gf. That, of course has thrown doubt all over me, and I have the usual "what if it was all my fault" thoughts.

I'm so sorry. I know that hurts.   You're already emotional because of the medication, and seeing that would be a trigger anyway.

But approaching him now would be emotional suicide.

You know yourself best. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Contact may be in your future, or may not be. But I'd advise you to not act when emotionally vulnerable. Take care of You. 

[Suspicious1]

I'm pretty sure the trigger is the SSRI withdrawal. I mean, I have missed him over the past year but I have been doing ok moving on with my life. This last week though, and BAM I've been right back to square one, seemingly out of nowhere. I do have upheaval and scary stuff happening in my life, but that's an ongoing thing to do with terminal illness in my family, a long-running financial battle from a divorce case etc - this is stuff I've been handling just fine while I've been on the medication. Now I've come off it, my anxiety levels have sky-rocketed and all I can think of is him. Him, him, him, and a million flashbacks. It feels like my brain is screaming at me to get back there with him, where it as (apparently) all going to be ok.

Happy Nihilist, yes, times of emotional upheaval are always the times I crave him, even if it's only briefly. He was EXTREMELY protective and had a real White Knight syndrome thing going on. So he would go on and on about he'd always be there. Almost as if all I had to do was to shine a Batman torch into the sky, and even if I hadn't heard from him in years he'd be there for me. *That* was how he painted himself. Boy, did he love superheros. It used to annoy me at the time because I'm more than able to look after myself, but I think all the repetition has made it lodge in my brain somehow.

Yep, the tank running on empty was exactly how I felt when I walked away. I knew I was being devalued again, and so I took what energy I had and I ran. I dropped all his possessions at his house when I knew he was out, and ran for the hills, where I feel I kind of tentatively watched him from a distance, waiting to see when it would be safe to reach out again. In the meantime I tried to recover and heal.

Intellectually I know it was the best thing to do, but part of me thinks - just as you warn against, apollotech, that there can be a clean-slate. That a year has gone by, the nonsense that was happening in our lives at the time has gone, so now it's all calm for us both then we stand a chance. As if all the issues were external and without them we'd be just fine.

I'm just trying to get through the days now, like an addict: just one day clean at a time.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm pretty sure the trigger is the SSRI withdrawal. I mean, I have missed him over the past year but I have been doing ok moving on with my life. This last week though, and BAM I've been right back to square one, seemingly out of nowhere.

I can definitely sympathize. Something very similar happened to me when I went off an SSRI about a year after the breakup. Plus, you've had several additional stressors. It's completely understandable. I promise you, though, that you haven't gone back to square one at all. You will get through this, and you will continue to heal. 

Happy Nihilist, yes, times of emotional upheaval are always the times I crave him, even if it's only briefly. He was EXTREMELY protective and had a real White Knight syndrome thing going on. So he would go on and on about he'd always be there. Almost as if all I had to do was to shine a Batman torch into the sky, and even if I hadn't heard from him in years he'd be there for me. *That* was how he painted himself. Boy, did he love superheros. It used to annoy me at the time because I'm more than able to look after myself, but I think all the repetition has made it lodge in my brain somehow.

My exBPDbf was the same way. He was over-the-top protective and convinced me that he would always be there for me, no matter what, and was the only true safety I had. He often called himself a White Knight, and took that role in his romantic relationships. Like you, I was annoyed at first because I'm a smart, capable, independent woman. But so were most of his exes. Being strong and smart in no way makes someone invulnerable to this sort of conditioning.

The important thing is to find the part of you that was vulnerable to that, and explore it. For instance, I needed to feel like someone would always accept me and love me and let me fall apart sometimes and keep me safe. A big part of my healing has been discovering why I needed this, and why I was willing to sacrifice myself to "get" it. And then realizing that I was the person who could give all of that to myself.

Because you don't need him, or anyone else, to keep you safe. You are strong enough on your own. You said that you didn't feel the relationship was safe for you, that you felt devalued. You decided that what you want in life and what your ex realistically offered were not compatible. I know that it's harder to see these things when you're in emotional upheaval.

Just remember that you're strong and worthy of respect and love. Remember that this is temporary, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time, and take care of yourself.