Father has BPD and Sister maybe too

[WindyDay]

I am so glad I found this site and feel like I should finally tell a little of my story. I have a father that was diagnosed in the late 80's.  Mind you the only reason he actually got help was because he stabbed himself at work and was pretty much forced to.  I was in high school at the time. He always laughed about it and really thought he was fooling everyone to believe he was crazy. That was over 20 years ago and I have established really good boundaries and do not have much contact with him so he and I have a good enough relationship.

The real problem lies with my sister who I believe has BPD or NPD.  11 years ago I moved in with her with my 2 children for 6 months while my husband was at class for work.  I was also pregnant which made things worse.  She was very cruel to me almost from the moment we moved in and I took to just staying in the room with the kids to avoid angering her. If my kids would come into the room while she was having 'family time' with her husband and child she would make rude comments about them being around, mind you were only 4 and 2 at the time. She had a few outbursts during the time I was there but I was really just trying to avoid it as I knew I would not have to be there forever and thought at the time it was just because living with siblings is difficult. The day I was moving to another state she had a major blowup/meltdown and told me to get the F out of her house and never talk to her again. She calmed down sort of and decided to help with the drive with my parents and I as we had planned before... bad decision.  Half way there while she was driving with my BPD dad... yes another bad decision.  They had a fight  and she hit him and they were screaming at each other... so we had to pull over and me and my mom had to try and calm things down.  Luckily somehow it calmed a bit and my dad only drove with me. She wouldn't talk to me when we stopped to eat or anything though and I realized she was angry at me and soon after that we stopped in a town and she took the next plane out. After that she wouldn't speak to me for 7 years... which was a blessing in disguise. I really felt much better and learned a lot of things about myself and what I would and would not allow in my life. I had real relationships with great people and felt no guilt not having a relationship with her.  Unfortunately my family really wanted us to speak and my mom kept telling me how different she was... ok. I allowed her back into my life 4 years ago.  Also it was the same time my husbands job moved us again and this time we are within a few hours of her house.  The first few years it was ok, we saw each other on holidays and she seemed to be on her best behavior, super nice... very calm.  Then things started to change, she is continually mad at someone, her husband has no contact with his family because she says they are all crazy/bad or whatever.  In the last six months she has been coming over to my house, not directly invited... more like hey what are you guys doing, how about we come over again. We had a family vacation planned with my brother and his family for about 6 months and recently took it, it didn't turn out well. I was having a great time but noticed she was yelling at my kids , super agitated with her own and kept planning things that we didn't agree on. I told her very nicely that my family did not want to do an outing she had planned and that's when she decided to totally ignore me! It was super uncomfortable for my kids and my brother and his family.  I confronted her, which I should not have... and told her it was immature. Of course she said it was my fault for not wanting to do the one thing she wanted to do and the next 2 day she went off with her family and never said anything to me again. Wouldn't talk to me, didn't say goodbye (though I stood at the door waving to her ) also wouldn't say goodbye to my kids which hurt them. So I come home and I am of course de-friended on facebook and she will probably not speak to me again for years. I do not feel too bad about it though as I think I needed better boundaries with her, I do feel guilty and sad that we cannot have a relationship but it's like a weight is lifted from my shoulders. This is all condensed of course and I could go on and on about the abuse she has put me through but that's the basics!

[Kwamina]

Hi WindyDay

Dealing with one disordered family-member can be difficult enough, let alone two

I have a father that was diagnosed in the late 80's.  Mind you the only reason he actually got help was because he stabbed himself at work and was pretty much forced to.

Quite disturbing that your dad did this. Is he still getting help now?

Good that you've been able to establish good boundaries with him though

The real problem lies with my sister who I believe has BPD or NPD. 

Since when did you start to think your sister has BPD or NPD? How was she when the two of you were growing up, was her behavior already problematic back then?

Half way there while she was driving with my BPD dad... yes another bad decision.  They had a fight  and she hit him and they were screaming at each other... so we had to pull over and me and my mom had to try and calm things down.

This sounds like quite a dangerous situation! Fortunately no one was (physically) harmed.

I do not feel too bad about it though as I think I needed better boundaries with her, I do feel guilty and sad that we cannot have a relationship but it's like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

You do feel like you have good boundaries with your dad, what's the difference with your sister? Do you feel like it is more difficult to set and enforce boundaries with her than it is with your dad? Perhaps you can benefit from some resources we have here about boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Welcome to bpdfamily

[WindyDay]

Thanks for the welcome:)

My dad is still getting help, he has been mentally disabled through the military since then so he has continual help which is a positive thing for him. I think one of the reasons I was able to set good boundaries is living far enough away from him. I see him only a few years an really do not think or treat him like a typical father. It took many years for me to do this but I think it helps that he was actually diagnosed and admitted it as much as he can.

For my sister, she has always acted erratically. There were many time growing up that I remember her acting out but since there was so much drama with my dad we all just thought it was the atmosphere at home.

I think with her I was blind to what was happening. Her getting mad at me every other month and not talking to me seemed like a normal thing and of course I always cried and told her how sorry I was , feeding into it. I thought I could set up some good boundaries when we started talking again 4 years ago but my best friend happened to pass away a few months after the move and I think I just was not thinking rationally and it snowballed from there.

I do wish I could have a good relationship with her, but at this point it is more harmful than good I believe. Thanks for the info and I will check it out:)