GF getting upset when she falls asleep before I do...

[umberto]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post, though I have been reading for a few weeks now. I'm sorry if this is long!

A little background: Me and my fiance have been together 4.5 years, I saw her being really anxious and getting upset over little things occasionally for the first 2 years but nothing too big. We had an amazing bond together throughout that time. After moving in together she started exhibiting all the BPD symptoms almost daily. Endless fighting for months on end, huge mood swings. It caused extreme problems in our relationship, I played my part too not knowing what was going on.

Things have been extremely bad a few months ago, culminating somewhat recently with me suggesting BPD again and us looking together at it and she agreeing completely. We are in the stages of getting her help and looking for a psychologist so things are very positive in this way (though there have been some big blow ups from her lately related to anxiety). She is quite self aware most of the time and generally will apologize when she goes nuts (though she can change her mind next time she is upset). She is honestly ready to work on herself and accepts that she has BPD and that how she reacts to me is out of line sometimes. We still have a strong connection and love and we do spend a lot of time joking and hanging out, so there is still a lot of positivity despite the drama.

One constantly recurring fight we have at least twice a week for ages is that she always falls asleep before I do while we watch something together at the end of the night. When she falls asleep and the episode ends I will ask her (this is her wish) if she wants to continue watching with me. She generally will be too sleepy to stay awake at all, yet she says 'I don't care' or suggests I watch another episode or to watch a show I watch on my own. I prompt her a little further 'is this what you want? because I would be happy to watch something with you.' She says this is what she wants. (by the way we have talked about this countless times and agreed this is what I will do when she acts like this because she recognizes she does it the next day).

Regardless of what I do, as soon as I start doing something on my own (or god forbid do anything other than watch tv) she starts huffing and puffing.

"Whats wrong? you seem upset." "Nothing."

I will stop what I'm doing for a moment and be frank with her, I am calm, just offering support and saying if she wants to do something else I am flexible but she needs to tell me. So she responds by blaming me for the situation and leaves the room with her pillow to go to the couch where she ignores me and does nothing but tell me to go away. Of course... .that isn't what she wants even though she refuses to speak to me.

I have spent countless nights up late sitting out with her convincing her to come back and yet the scenario repeats constantly. Eventually I get angry because I am tired and its driving me crazy. So often times now after 5 minutes or so of hearing 'leave me alone' with a tone to it, I say I'm willing to talk or to do something with you if you want, but  then I go and watch my show... .for about 5 minutes before she escalates it even more to get my attention again because now it is my fault again for leaving her. It always ends that I essentially force her to come to bed, by grabbing her pillow and putting it back and repeating over and over again for her to come back and that we can talk about it tomorrow. At that point I wasted the entire time I could have done something and have to go to bed right away. She never wants to talk about it the next day, probably because she knows she is unreasonable and doesn't know how to not do it.

Essentially she is upset because she is sleeping and I'm enjoying myself for 30 minutes to an hour without her. At this point I'm tired of being responsible for making her feel better over this. I am willing to validate how she feels (I am trying to improve) and to show my support, but I don't want to chase her around the apartment consoling her while she blames me and pouts. I know she will see this as abandoning her and not caring about her (she'll somewhat see my point when not like this, but will not understand at all in the middle of it).

So I want to tell her or compromise with her as to what she wants and what I am willing to do, but I am not sure how to do it in the best way... .

Basically I want:

-to support her and give her the opportunity to talk to me or tell me what she wants

-to leave the door open for her to tell me even if time passes

-to do my own thing until she is willing to actually have a discussion or figure out what she wants.

-IF she wants to go to another room and pout she can go ahead, I'll be in the other room when she wants to talk

Obviously the reason I don't do this right away is because I know it will blow up with us having a huge fight late into the night on a work night because I left her and don't care about her. I also have trouble not getting frustrated and angry because we have the same fight so often even though we have discussed it to death and I hate fighting right before bed. I just don't know exactly how to proceed, but this is driving me crazy and I'm getting less and less patient with it.

Thanks for reading!

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[Pou]

Unberto, little bit about me so you know where I am coming from.

Dated my wife for 4 years before married.  10 year into our marriage, something set her off into full blown PD.  I see it very clearly that it was triggered by her mother moving into the area.  Not sure why and how, but must be some childhood stuff to set her into full blown.  My wife has always been the non caring type.  I didn't mind from the beginning because I am low maintenance and don't mind to be the one who gives more in a relationship.  In a way, you can say I am codependent.  But I am shutting it down now knowing my actions of codependence will embolden the NPD / ASPD.  In the past 7 years, ever since I sniffed out the PD problem ... .I suspected she was BPD at first, and then realizing she is really NPD, and then as hurtful and methodical lies and smearing and colluding tactics take place, I recognize that she is an ASPD.  It is relunctless.  Today, I finally comes to full term understanding and accepting that my dream of having a loving family with her is no longer an option.  It is not possible and I must manage this very carefully, since we have three young children and everything I do has to be prudent.  Meanwhile, when rage strikes her brain, she plots and take actions that are just destructive to her and our family.  Everytime, I failed to convince her.  Later although she seem to get it, she never acknowledges it and often blame me for her horrible actions.  Projetion and gaslighting is a frequent occurence, never take responsibility for her mistakes and malign others (me) for her bad behaviors.

I read your post and I see that you in the middle a drama that she created.  My thought on your situation is that there was a "trigger" for her PD.  My guess would be the idea of a coinhabiting relationship.  So all of a sudden you are playing the role of her dad and she is playing her mom.  My guess would be she maybe reinacting her childhood trauma.  Now the problem for you is that usually PDs brain is kind of permanently wired and with BPD, there is some hope (but not so much NPD and ASPD) that she can become better with cognitive therapy.  But it wil be very hard for her to realize that she has an issue.  It sounds to me she is more of a BPD ... .but examine carefully between a boarderline and a narcissist.  A NPD is very very hard to deal with and if they go to the next level ASPD, then all hopes are lost ... .

Be selfish and acknowledge if you have co-dependent tendencies due to how you were raised.  You will have to faceup who you are before you will be able to correctly see her for who she is.

Good luck and hope what i said above helps and makes some sense.

 

[formflier]

 

Umberto,

Welcome to bpdfamily!

Please start reading the lessons... .and asking questions over here about what you read.

We can help you... .a lot. 


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Lessons are to the right of this screen.  Link is above.

I'm curious... .why not let her sleep?  I get it she wishes to be woken up... but what is your wish?  (My guess is you wish not to start a fight... )

So... .don't... .

I'm sure there is more to this... .looking forward to your next post.

FF

[umberto]

Thanks for responding Pou & Formflier!

Pou: I don't think my GF has too much of the narcissism and she is pretty caring normally, in a lot of ways I see her as not quite as bad as a lot of the stories I have read here in terms of empathizing with me (although there's of course been may instances of screaming, insults, break downs, throwing things, blaming... etc). But we are both pretty certain of the BPD and I had suspected it for a while. When she gets into an episode, she is full of blame and anger and is strongly focused on what I have done wrong no matter how minor or if she was the one who did something wrong. Afterwards, USUALLY she will see my point of view to some degree (but there were times in the past where that never happened for months).

I do agree that moving in together really stepped up the relationship and probably that's what kicked it into gear, but that was 2.5 years ago now, so we are trying to work on it together. In some ways it has improved, in other ways not.

Formflier: Thanks for the suggestions, I have been trying to apply the lessons after reading a bit, though I'll admit it's really hard. Honestly I couldn't care less if she falls asleep, I love hanging out with her but having some time to myself would be awesome! I don't let her sleep because then that becomes the reason for the same fight. She falls into a half-sleep, immediately awakened when I start doing anything and is upset immediately. I compromised with her at some point that I would feel her out a bit and that if she didn't tell me she wanted to do something I was going to go ahead, but she never keeps her end of the bargain.

In the past many times I would just start something on my own, but she ALWAYS wakes up is too tired to seriously do anything but awake enough to not know what she wants and make a big deal of it.

She generally doesn't have an issue with me doing something by myself normally, but in this situation it repeatedly starts a fight.

[formflier]

 

So... it's up to her to start a fight... .

What part of the fight is up to you?

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

It sounds to me like she is not so much upset that she is falling asleep, ... .but that she is falling asleep, and you are not there with her doing the same activity -sleeping with her.

She likely feels like this is a type of abandonment.  Even more so if you are doing something else.

Does she get upset when you guys are sleeping together?

Or if you are still and by her side resting while she is sleeping?

It seems like she is having difficulty self soothing to relax enough to sleep. Then she awakens, and you are not there for her to soothe herself back to sleep, so she becomes anxious and gets upset with you for it.

Do you think this is what is happening?

My sister who has BPD has extreme difficulty self soothing at night.  She has a transitional object that she has to have or she behaves like someone killed her mom in front of her (which didn't happen, however her response matches that level of anxiety) ... .hysterical, uncontrolled.

So if this sounds familiar... .

What has your GF done in the past to self soothe herself to sleep?

Something must have worked before the two of you met.

[umberto]

Formflier: You're right that I'm somewhat at fault for being involved with the fight at all. I guess I struggle with this one because I'm tired at the end of the night and to not engage her will inevitably lead to her starting a fight about it and escalating it until I am fully involved. Which has kept me up later than I wanted to in the past. I realize at some point I have to make it clear what I will or won't do and deal with the fallout for a while, I just want to be prepared so I feel confident in the face of that.

Sunflower: Yeah that's pretty much exactly what happens. She doesn't usually get upset if we are both sleeping, but me being up doing almost anything could get her going (not every night this is an issue, so her getting upset about it is inconsistent). Before we met she would take antihistamines to make her sleep and she needs to watch TV most nights to fall asleep. She still has a hard time settling and will use melatonin or antihistamines and will use the computer to watch tv with headphones to fall asleep 'for real'.

She rarely wants to commit to actually sleeping until I'm going to bed for work (around 12:30-1:00 am) even though she is half asleep by 11:00. So it's a crap shoot whether she will 'wake up' to get upset or not. If I continue watching the same thing we were watching, she may not wake up (although she might). But if I watch something else or start to read or use the computer or want to play a game, then it's game over.

[formflier]

 

umberto,

Any idea where her sleep habits come from?  Why not just go to bed? 

Can you change your habits and get in bet (with no electronics) at... say 1030? 

What time does she get up?

It seems that her sleep hygiene is pretty bad and not contributing to her getting restful sleep... which gets her into a destructive cycle of worse and worse sleep.

Thoughts?

FF

[umberto]

She has had insomnia pretty much forever, even as a kid it sounds like she did similar behavior as this to make her mom stay up with her and she needed the TV on to fall asleep. We usually watch TV in the bedroom, which I'm sure plays it's part. I could suggest keeping the TV in the other room tonight and see if it helps.

I'm not really willing to go to bed that early because I don't have to wake up until 8:45 for work and I'm something of a night owl. We generally both get up at the same time (she is a writer and works from home with no fixed schedule, but usually works like 10-5) but she will sometimes get up a bit earlier/bit later. So in general she's been getting pretty good sleep (8 hours). There was a time when her sleeping was more erratic and she would get less sleep and we would fight a lot more, but she started going to bed with me around a year ago and she sleeps pretty good.

[umberto]

I should note that with my last job I had to go to bed at 10:30 and she would usually stay up when I would go to sleep.

[ColdEthyl]

She has had insomnia pretty much forever, even as a kid it sounds like she did similar behavior as this to make her mom stay up with her and she needed the TV on to fall asleep.

It sounds like right there might be your problem. She used to having someone soothe her to sleep, and when you are still awake it bothers her. The challenge for you, of course, is what to do about it?

I have had issues in the past with my dBPDh wanting to fight right as we go to sleep. I have no idea why just sometimes he will say something snarky trying to get me to bite, and in the morning he claims to not remember saying anything. He has kept me up to complain/dysregulate when he knows I need to go to sleep for work. The worst one was when we were dating about 9 months and I didn't know anything about BPD or his issues. I was trying to sleep for work and we were fighting about something and he turned the light on, started jumping on the bed declaring that he will make sure I never sleep again.

Ugh. I do not miss that behavior. What worked for me is that I just stopped participating in his fits. I said something like "I understand you are upset about X. I would be upset about X, too. X can really get on my nerves sometimes, etc... " something along those lines. "... .I am more than happy to talk to you about this more in the morning but right now I need to sleep.  If I can't sleep in here, I will go sleep in the living room."

That was all I needed to do, and he hasn't done anything like that in 5 years now. I had a plan that if he would have kept up... .followed me to the living room or anything like that I would tell him if it continues I will go to a hotel, and I would see him in the morning. I'm glad it never came down to that.

I think with your GF, it might be more of a comfort thing. It might be a little bit harder for her to accept this. Have you ever asked her to explain why she needs you to sleep when she is?

[ColdEthyl]

I should note that with my last job I had to go to bed at 10:30 and she would usually stay up when I would go to sleep.

Whatever they do is irrelevant to what they think we should do. Yep, there's a ton of hypocrisy there, but hey... .Welcome to BPDland! *hands a brochure*  

[formflier]

 

There is a boundary part of this that ColdEthyl talked about.

I also think you should look at the lessons about getting people into treatment.  However... this would be for sleep issues.

As the non... .maybe you could take some leadership and set a bedtime for yourself that works for both of you.

Sleep is such a critical thing... .my guess is that when she gets consistent good sleep... .a lot of her other behaviors get much better.

Plus... .most of them (pwBPD) will forget the bedtime drama by morning. 

FF

[umberto]

ColdEthyl: Although I have been good at validating how she feels when she starts at times, I'm not completely consistent with it. So that's something I could work on. I've asked her many times why and she'll usually say that she doesn't know why she does it or that at the time she can't decide what she wants to do even though she is tired, so she gets upset.

Formflier: Yeah this is never an issue for her in the morning, she usually seems a little embarrassed about it when I bring it up the next day. She is sleeping pretty well most days despite this, usually 7.5-8 hours not including the half sleeping before that. I think I will have a talk with her soon about this and set my boundary, but i'll give myself a little while to think of what I want to say. I will ask her if me going to sleep a little bit earlier would help. I was thinking about using DEAR to get my points across but I haven't finished wording it.