Am I doing the right thing? Being pulled by FOG

[justAkid]

MiserableDaughter, you commented on my first post the other night. You told me you felt fear like I did and to read some of your posts. I just figured out how to do that. I think! I have read a bit of this thread and I can so identify with what you are saying here. I can identify with a lot of the behaviors your mother does and the things she says to your son as well. The intensity of the fear and the guilt... .I can feel it as I read your words. I feel it as strongly as I feel my own fear after finally writing my own letter to my mother last night and setting a boundary ("I will not tolerate you attacking my character like that. You can be angry at me but you will not attack my character. I want a good relationship with you but if you continue to accuse me and can not treat me like an adult and with respect I will have to limit my contact with you." It was my first time putting a boundary into words. Other boundaries lately have included telling her I can not attend family get togethers when I am too stretched for time. This has undone her to no end. Basically the boundary is just saying no and then not bending when I see her pout in any way. I don't know how to describe her pouting without going into a long explanation but I think you might know what I am talking about. It usually involves talking about how she feels to other people in front of me so I can hear it. And then I used to jump at it and do what she wanted. I stopped doing that a while ago. It feels good, but it is exhausting and I hate the tension.

That has been my experience with boundaries.

I don't know if you are old enough to remember the original Wonder Woman TV show. She had these bracelets on her wrists that she would hold up and deflect bullets. I feel like I'm doing that ALL.THE. TIME. I get so tired of it that some time I just prefer to not be around her or the family. And so it all has a cost. Going, not going. I seem to pay for any choice I make.

She has ruled with fear. And that is what I hear coming from you. So I can relate and understand. I am not sure what I did to step out of that. I feel a little further along out of the guilt. I am more angered and grieved and frustrated. I recognize it for what it is. But it REALLY pushes my buttons and it hurts. However the setting boundaries is newer and very exhausting for me and a bit nerve wracking. No one ever said it would be so exhausting. Unless I'm doing something wrong. I fantasize about moving away. I also have done a TON of therapy and reading and journaling and that has helped. I have been lucky enough to have a couple of really healthy friends over the years that I would let in close with this topic and they were my "truth tellers" and repeatedly kept telling me the truth over and over again. That helped too. But I've not "arrived" by any stretch of the imagination or I wouldn't have just joined a message board last night posting that I was terrified.  I have a lot of learning and growing to do. But the hold of the guilt just doesn't seem to be as intense anymore. It's there when the whole family is involved. Maybe more complex because I am the oldest sibling of so many. And I took on the parent role to them... .maybe not guilt but fear of disappointing all of my siblings because she paints a picture of me to them as "the bad one." Or whatever she is unhappy with me about in the moment since I didn't please her. And the family pull is a strong one.

Bless you.

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you. I can absolutely relate to your Wonder Woman comment. Exactly how I feel... .So it took me a few days to write... I was away at my older brother's wedding. The day of the reception, my parents first yelled at my brother because they weren't first in the order of speeches, and they said it was intentional. They made sure to be first. Then at the end they yelled at him because they felt like my bro and his wife weren't giving them enough attention (in the reception of 300 people... .) My brother cannot respond. He hate sit and knows it's wrong but succumbs. He's 42 btw... .

My biggest issue is that my husband cannot comprehend this fear etc. and it's truly gotten to him. He is very angry at me and constantly critical of me. He talks to me like the village idiot because now he can only see me as a weak shadow of my mother. I hate it. He makes me so conscious now too. On the way home from wedding he says "you don't always have tl hang out with your mom at social gatherings... ." With regards to wedding dinners and all. To me, I wasn't doing that. To him I was... .I feel like he's so overly critical of me now due to my interaction and fear of my mother... .I honestly don't even recognize him anymore.

I guess that's why I feel the need to deal with my marriage first. I can't deal with my mom and my marriage. I need space to figure all that out away from my mom. I admit my limitations. I cannot cut contact. And I'm scared of drama. So I feel like distance will at least help me focus on my marriage and see if it can heal. Her effect on my life has been devastating.

My husband was so mad at me again a few days ago. Tells me that he thought id be more excited about moving across the county. When I say I'm nervous he's like I don't get it zits what you have always wanted. I said yes, but that doesn't mean you don't have normal nerves. I mean, I've live here for 36 years! My entire life! So leaving the place I know, friends etx is nerve wracking. And yes I'm dreading the parent reaction. He expects me to be super human. Even if I have normal nerves, he chalks it up to my issue with my mom... .I don't know what to do. I'm so lost in my life, marriage, etc. But yes, telling my parents will be hard! I'll admit that! Ugh, my life is a mess right now... .

[disillusionedandsore]

Have you confronted your husband on his criticism of you? I hear you justifying it. I would feel bullied if it was me in your shoes. Can you tell him 'enough already'? Is he fighting for control? I would be very wary of moving away from friends etc who might be able to offer some emotional support in the face of that. I would be concerned about becoming increasingly isolated and cut off from things that nourish me.  What are your fears? Do you trust your husband to be there for you emotionally through all these changes? (I do not know your back story). What would you be giving up to move? How will you cope day to day? Who will be there for you?

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello,

I'm not juatifiying his criticism. He says it's because he just has too much resentment about my mom, my inability to tell her off etc. I want to see of this changes when we are not dealing with her all the time. When we have breathing space. My relationship needs to heal away from my mother. And if it can't, I will know and take the appropriate steps. I cannot do anything here. Even if my marriage ended my mom would make every effort of sucking me back into her world because she'd want possession of my son. I need to make these choices far away from her.

I think that close to her, our marriage won't survive regardless. I don't want to hold my husband back from leaving due to the fear that my mom will come and suck my blood. I need to make logical choices that are best for me outside of her geography. Out goal is to improve our marriage. To truly work on it in a fresh new environment. To restart the way we should have... .We started our marriage with nothing but stress due to my mom'a rages. So I've always pined for a new start without drama... .

I don't know if this solution will work. But I know I need to tr Somethimh because nothing has worked here. I don't want my marriage to break due to my mpther's constant interference and I only have so much energy to fend her off... .

[Harri]

Hi MD.  It sounds like you made the decision to move and I want to wish you well.  Like you said, it may not actually fix things but it will certainly give you and your husband a bit of breathing room in terms of reducing the frequency of her interference and manipulations. 

How much time do you have before the actual move?  I ask because I think it will be important to have a plan and a script for what and how you will tell your mother and have some options lined up for how to handle any fallout.  Have you spoken with your T regarding any specifics or even meds you can take short term to help reduce the anxiety?  I have no idea if that is needed or appropriate in your case but I figured I would mention it.  Regardless, support from your T would be, I think, invaluable.  That coupled with the support and feedback you get from here, and I think you can really prepare and empower yourself as you set off on this really big change in your life. 

Just a few thoughts that popped into my head when I was re-reading this thread:

*  Give yourself and your husband some time to settle down and figure out what the new normal will be after the move before you start making decisions as to how much things improved in your relationship.  It has taken many years for you to get to the point where you are now and it will take time to learn a new way of relating. 

*  Have you given any thought to marriage counseling after the move?

*  Will you be working outside of your home in your new city?  Either way, have you thought of any activities/organizations/classes you can get involved in?  This is going to be a big change for you and you will need to build a new support network.

I am excited for you and I hope you will be able to find some peace within as you work on getting your mother out of your head and your marriage.  Please keep posting as we can continue to support you and maybe even help you work on your plan for telling your mother that you will be moving.