What should I say when asked about my grandchild? First one due in weeks.

[whiplashed_mom]

My dil drove my son away from all of his friends and family, moved hours away, told us not to contact them. We don't know their address. Long before this, she told a mutual friend that we didn't need to be grandparents of her child. Before they deleted both of their facebook accounts, she told a hundred mutual "friends" that she was expecting.

What should I say when people ask me about our grandson and I don't even know his name? I already was asked where my son worked, and I didn't know. I've had many questions about how excited I am to be a grandmother. Hopefully, someone will tell me his name, and maybe I can wing it from there. It's not that I feel guilty, 'cause I don't at all, but, I hope for the best in the future, and I don't want to make his or our family fuel for gossip.

Though, even my own mother felt, at first, that we must be at fault, somehow, even though she has a uBPD-dil, too. Her uBPD-dil is not as difficult as this one, though, since my brother still sees all of his family.

My uBPD-dil's parents seem to not be speaking to us, either.

Thank you, very much, to all of you who responded to my last post. I don't know how to find it again to thank you, there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

My husband and I have been alienated from one of his son's child, similar type of reaction from DIL.  I had not met her, husband met her once. She and I had been emailing back and forth, I had asked for a due date but neither myself or husband was given one. We had a month but that was it. I asked if her mom was going to be there when the baby was born and she said she was. There was never anything mentioned that either of them wanted us there.

So 3 weeks into the month I had not heard anything so I asked husband if he had heard. The baby had been born 10 days prior. Now why husband said nothing to me is beyond my comprehension. He claimed that he was hoping his son would contact me. I had not contact # for them so I emailed her to congratulated her, apologized for the late congrats and let her know I had just been informed. She came back furious, called me a liar, told me I should have been there, asking me what kind of a grandmother was I, told me she wanted nothing to do with me and that any communication would only be thru her husband (my stepson).

Long story short, I did see her twice. I really didn't like what I was seeing though to be honest. The little girl was starting to walk and was falling and then DIL would tell her not to cry, and that people would see her crying and it didn't look nice, basically shaming and mocking this little girl. I thought it was terribly sad. DIL was planning a birthday party for her and wanted me to help which I was willing and then she exploded again because I told her that I would but when she changed the date of the party to meet SS's bio mom's schedule, I told her it was best that my SSs mom and I not be in the same room. Al heck broke loose and SS contacted both husband and I with a bombardment of terrible emails telling us both what terrible parents we were and how he never wanted to see us and that we would never see his child.

I did not reply to any of SSs emails and actually stopped reading any of them after the first one. I have not seen them since and it has been at least 5 years now.

Your DIL might have BPD, who knows without a dx, but in my situation I think that SS had put a lot of thoughts into his wife's head. There was conflict between he and I. My husband's sons had a hard time accepting me, they wanted their bio parents together so I became an easy target for their anger and hatred. SS and DIL have never apologized, I have no relationship with any of them and husband has an occasional email but that's it. I am slightly removed as I am not the biological grand mother of this child even though I am the mother who raised my SS. I do not consider the little girl my grandchild even though my husband does. I know nothing about her. We are not sent pictures, nothing. So when people ask me how many grand children I have I count the ones from by bio daughters and this little girl is not one of them.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry that you are even having to think of an answer.   :'( 

Being cut out of your son's life and not having any news of a grandchild is so hurtful.

To answer your question, a simple, honest, non blaming answer would be best.

Perhaps:  "Sadly, I don't have a relationship with my son or his little family so I don't know any details.  Even so I love grandchild with all my heart."