POLL: Please; 3 hours to fork over new apartment money or NOT?

[Ohiomom89]

Good Morning!

After tossing and turning all night, in a few hours my husband, myself and my BPD dd (24) are going to look at an apartment two blocks from her LATEST job (13th?  14th?  Lost count... .)  In the 23 days or so she's been living with us, she has not lifted a finger ("but I GOT a job, didn't I?".  She found an apartment on Craigslist which I've been to and yes, it's very nice and reasonable for her.  However, WE would be the ones forking over the almost $1,500 today (or soon) for the security deposit and first/last months' rent.  Ugh!  Not a dime in contribution from her.  Plus an $80 car bill that our local garage agreed to extend credit to her, because they know US.  Of course, she made a few payments (her fiancé did) but now it's due again soon.  Her gas tank is on nearly empty.

She "supposedly" begins work Monday and says if we give her that "head start" getting her in the apartment, she can gather paychecks and by October be able to take over.  But until then, we'd be buying her food, gassing her car, etc.  I am SO TIRED.  Poor hubby is fed up, but doesn't cause an issue in fear of upsetting me and my high blood pressure.  He is so sick of it all, her fake diseases, all the money we've lost over the years--and she won't empty a dishwasher for us?  She'd be in a homeless shelter if it were up to him.  We know without a doubt she will lose this job, too.  No jobs last.  I thought the pride of her first place would keep her in line.  Hubby says NOPE. 

I know we've done more than enough, I really do.  When does it stop?  How can I put my dd in a shelter?  Hubby is even willing to send her off with a few hundred bucks and she can go Air B & B it, like a lot of kids do now.  She has a car, barely, but it runs (of course she wants us to fix the air con, she's HOT... .). 

Apartment or no apartment?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lifewriter16]

I'd say No and give her a list of things you expect her to do on a daily basis and tell her if she does those things for X period of time and holds down her job for X period of time, you'll put up the X% of the deposit then.  It's time she grew up.

Lifewriter

[twojaybirds]

I gave my dd 1st and last for an apt. last year with the clear understanding that if it did not work out she was NOT moving back in.  The apt. lasted two moths  (first and last) and she ended up living in her car again and some shelter hopping.

She was working full time but her $ was going to a man in prison  . 

After 3 months of that life she asked to come home to do laundry and shower.

At that juncture I did let her move back in because she had been working the same job for 4 months however there were stipulations including she did NOT get a key and if I were leaving she had to leave as well: she could not be home alone.  I also gave her a time limit; 2-3 months to find a new place.

She found a place and has been living there a year now.  She stopped giving $ to the prison guy. She still has the

same job for over a year now.

I say let her be responsible for herself.  She live in shelters and work, she can live in her car and work.

You can support her with meeting her places to take her out to eat one or 2 times a week  ( I am all about good nutrition) thus living like that she can save her own paychecks for an apt.

Perhaps offer to match her to make  1st and last, that may be an incentive as well.

I hated knowing how my dd was living but she was carving her own life and I needed to set my boundaries.

Oh, I hold a masters degree and work a full time job and the AC is broken in my car as well. 

[MammaMia]

Ohiomom

I agree with the others who say no, unless you are able to afford the security deposit, monthly rent, and living expenses until her lease is up. You may also be asked to co-sign the lease, given she is just starting a new job.

A better alternative would be to have her stay with the fiance (Is he also planning on moving into the NEW apartment?) or at home until she can prove she is able to keep a job, save some money, and pay her own way.

PwBPD have such a lack of respect for money, that being evicted and leaving you with the responsibility is not a concern.  They live in the moment.

Your dd has put you in a difficult financial position. I am sorry.