Feeling Trapped and Angry... Very Angry

[Smileypants]

Just had a blow up with BPD husband.  Over something stupid, that ordinarily it wouldn't piss me off but him giving me a hard time because didn't wash my hands before dividing up the fries I got for the kids.  Normally something I do very regularly.  But he's decided to make a major issue of it.  It might not bother me so much if he was anal about washing his hands, but he's not.  I can't remember one time that he came home and washed his hands before doing anything.  But he swears that he always washes his hands and has never done it when I know he's full of sh*t.  But I was nice enough to go get food for him, after being pressured by him to go and get it, when I am pregnant, have heart burn, a backache, and am tired.  So then it turned into him giving me sh*t for not handing him his food graciously and telling me what a b*tch I am and I am a child having a child.  I have four kids, I am the one that does most everything for them.  They don't like him, they tip toe around him.  My son says he hates him.

I am so tired of this Ring around the Rosie sh*t.  I don't care anymore.  I am done putting up with feeling horrible and alone in this so called marriage.  I was lied to from the very beginning.  If I had known he had BPD & bipolar and didn't believe in any treatment (because nothing is wrong with him - denial) except weed & cigarettes, I would have never married him. He was diagnosed as a teen. I deserve to feel safe and be with someone I trust, maybe even loved.   The only reasons for even coming home to my own house is my kids and my cat.  It sucks cuz it's my house (my childhood home, that use to be my safe place) and now I can't stand being here.  I've even considered selling it, but that would brake my kids heart because it was my dad's house (he passed a few years back).  I have to hide any of my feelings and thoughts cuz they will get used as a weapon later.  I tried being understanding, but this is not worth it for me.  The only reason I am still here is that I am scared to death of him having any parenting time that I cannot supervise.  At least if I am here I can protect my kids.  I arrange for sitters even if he is "available" to watch the kids.  I do not trust him, he will flip on the kids and yell at them like they are an adult.  He'll curse at them, name call them.  Then he gets cocky and proud of his clever name he called my kid.

I hate it here.  I hate being with him. Not a glimmer of a good time is worth the misery that comes along with it.  I fear for my youngest daughter and I fear for this unborn baby.  He has no biological or legal relation to the rest of my kids, so they are safe.  It keeps me up at night, worrying what would happen if something happened to me.  I need to write a will.  I need to make a safety plan.  I need to make it happen.  But I am scared.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Is there a women's center or other resource in your area that might be able to help you make a safety plan?

What resources do you have available to you? This stuff is hard. Do you have any support at all? Can you talk to your health care provider when you go in for a prenatal check up?

[Smileypants]

My prenatal provider, the social worker there, and some of the nurses I have talked to about it.  Thankful he doesn't try to cone to those appointments.  He feels the need to accompany me everywhere else, which is really annoying.  If I appose then comes the guilt trip "unless YOU don't want me to go".

My extended family & my kids don't even know I'm pregnant.  I think it will just stress out my kids.  My mom and my brother know how unhappy I am.  I was considering divorce before I found out I was pregnant.  I fear their responses.  Why was I sleeping with him if I was so unhappy?  But they don't understand what its like to be in a relationship with a BPD.  If I don't have sex with him then I must be cheating, or I'm up to something, or I don't love him, then come the threats.  sex becomes a chore that makes life at home  a little easier.  And I got pregnant.  I am 20 weeks pregnant, half way through, and I feel so alone.

I don't really see my friends very often.  He doesn't like or has fought with all of them & gets suspicious of any friend that I mention that he doesn't know, even though he never to took the time to get to know them.  He'd just find a reason why they shouldn't be my friend and talk sh*t about them all the time.  So I have Facebook friends.