Question about where I should be going from here.

[Lovingme35]

Brief backstory. Me and exbfwBPD have been broken up for about a month even though we still see each other. He tried to end it completely Thursday night and give me all of my stuff back. I wanted to talk and he became irritated because it was late and said we would talk over the weekend. Yesterday through messaging, I became irritated over his being disrespectful and information that I received through my kids dad that he was trying to date girls at the gym.  I ended it saying I never wanted to see him again and to mail my stuff back. He initially said yes, but then said it was going to be too expensive to mail. I never responded. I believe he wants to return the stuff in person because he wants to talk.

So I have two ways of going about this. Do I end things peacefully? This is what he wants, but I do not want to be someone that is on the back burner if he is dating and it doesn't work out. If I say everything that I am thinking, he would definitely paint me black and not try to resume the relationship at a later time. He is moving in two weeks. He hasn't moved in almost 7 years. I believe that this is what triggered this breakup. I think he was baiting me yesterday and I took the bait. My goal is to go NC for a couple of weeks until he comes back. He is going to want to know eventually why I called him a liar, but I don't think the information that I got from my kids dad is 100% true. Whats worse is after going back and reading the texts again, he was wanting to talk about our relationship until I blew up at him about lying. He works today so if I'm right, he will try and meet up with me tomorrow.

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[Lovingme35]

I am sitting here thinking to myself. Why don't I just say that I can't be friends with him if he is dating other people and leave it at that. That way the ball is in his court, and I haven't painted myself black.

[turbo squash]

Whats worse is after going back and reading the texts again, he was wanting to talk about our relationship until I blew up at him about lying. He works today so if I'm right, he will try and meet up with me tomorrow.

I made the same mistake with my wife over a month ago. She had made a nice gesture towards me. I didn't see it and responded with something snarky. She got very offended by that and things got BAD for a while after that.

When she said that, we were <2 weeks into our separation. Now we are coming up on 8 weeks and she still isn't back to the point where she was when she made the nice gesture. I have done a lot of nice things in between that have helped her to come back, but she is still a long way away.

By FAR the toughest part is not wanting to scream at her and get mad at her for her affair. Every time I see a little something that reminds me that that happened, I get a wave of anxiety and anger. It is brutal. It makes me want to blow up at her frequently.

But, if I want the marriage to reconcile, I can't get mad at her right now. We haven't reconnected yet. She hasn't decided that she wants to work on our marriage yet. We are still living separately. If I want to work things out, I will just have to spend that time we are apart reconnecting instead of being angry at her. The work on the relationship will have to come later because we don't have enough of a connection to work on it now. Right now, I just have to work on myself.

My question is, if you want to work things out, are you willing to wait it out and focus on reconnecting emotionally while he may be dating other people? Is that something that you can do while still respecting your boundaries and maintaining your own happiness and sanity?

[an0ught]

Hi Lovingme35,

you sound - at least to me - a bit suspicious and/or jealous  . In such a state it is easy to overreact to observations that are not fully processed. Considering what is at stake would it not make sense to find out more - while - as difficult as it may be - moderating your reactions?

[Lovingme35]

Whats worse is after going back and reading the texts again, he was wanting to talk about our relationship until I blew up at him about lying. He works today so if I'm right, he will try and meet up with me tomorrow.

I made the same mistake with my wife over a month ago. She had made a nice gesture towards me. I didn't see it and responded with something snarky. She got very offended by that and things got BAD for a while after that.

When she said that, we were <2 weeks into our separation. Now we are coming up on 8 weeks and she still isn't back to the point where she was when she made the nice gesture. I have done a lot of nice things in between that have helped her to come back, but she is still a long way away.

By FAR the toughest part is not wanting to scream at her and get mad at her for her affair. Every time I see a little something that reminds me that that happened, I get a wave of anxiety and anger. It is brutal. It makes me want to blow up at her frequently.

But, if I want the marriage to reconcile, I can't get mad at her right now. We haven't reconnected yet. She hasn't decided that she wants to work on our marriage yet. We are still living separately. If I want to work things out, I will just have to spend that time we are apart reconnecting instead of being angry at her. The work on the relationship will have to come later because we don't have enough of a connection to work on it now. Right now, I just have to work on myself.

My question is, if you want to work things out, are you willing to wait it out and focus on reconnecting emotionally while he may be dating other people? Is that something that you can do while still respecting your boundaries and maintaining your own happiness and sanity?

Thank you for the advice. I know I need to control my anger. I am normally pretty good about it but yesterday everything just got to me. I don't think that I could handle it long term if he was dating other people. I could give it a couple of weeks, but after that, I would cut off all ties. I am not going to be someone that he keeps on the back burner long term.

[Lovingme35]

Hi Lovingme35,

you sound - at least to me - a bit suspicious and/or jealous  . In such a state it is easy to overreact to observations that are not fully processed. Considering what is at stake would it not make sense to find out more - while - as difficult as it may be - moderating your reactions?

I tried but my kids dad refuses to talk about it anymore. He won't tell me who the information came from or any details. All I know is that he supposedly tries to date every girl at his gym and that he tried to date the person that relayed the info. This was around a month ago. Could have been when we were already broken up. I know for a 100% fact he hasn't been on any dates until last week. The one he told me about with his "friend." Someone is clumsy with their receipts. He is quite flirty though, and someone could easily take this and run with it.

I don't go to his gym either. I attend a different one. So that is out as well. He did ask me last week to let him train me. So it doesn't seem plausible that he would have me go to the same gym where he hits on everyone.