Lost it. Suggestions?

[Fleur2013]

Bpd ex with whom I am still living, left for an overnight trip with God knows who. He's said "friends". He is seeing someone else and I believe I am funding their relationship, at least in part because he hasn't had a job in 10 years.  When I saw him this morning ready to go out at 10am I lost it and told him that if he can spend all this time with her he should just move in with her. Of course I "have it all wrong". I really lost it and started screaming and told him not to come back and that if he did, that I would leave. I'm not proud of my behavior but I'm sick of being used and abused. He called from the road and tried to get me to calm down because it was making HIM anxious.

He is going away with her again next weekend.  I feel very hateful right now.  It's eating me up. I'm sure it's going to be another blow up when he returns because the thought of seeing him brings me to absolute rage. He will threaten suicide like he always does. I'm convinced that at some point he will do it. But I almost feel like it's going to come down to him or me.

I'm losing it and becoming someone very ugly.

How should I proceed. I don't feel like I can trust myself to not say some very unkind things to him

[zundertowz]

I think a lot of us have said things we wish we would not have said but were only human... .it's understandable how angry you are under the circumstances... .you supporting him and him taking off with other women... .if it was me his belongings would be in the drive way when he got back and I would change the locks... you owe him nothing at this point.

[JQ]

Bpd ex with whom I am still living, left for an overnight trip with God knows who. He's said "friends". He is seeing someone else and I believe I am funding their relationship, at least in part because he hasn't had a job in 10 years.  When I saw him this morning ready to go out at 10am I lost it and told him that if he can spend all this time with her he should just move in with her. Of course I "have it all wrong". I really lost it and started screaming and told him not to come back and that if he did, that I would leave. I'm not proud of my behavior but I'm sick of being used and abused. He called from the road and tried to get me to calm down because it was making HIM anxious.

He is going away with her again next weekend.  I feel very hateful right now.  It's eating me up. I'm sure it's going to be another blow up when he returns because the thought of seeing him brings me to absolute rage. He will threaten suicide like he always does. I'm convinced that at some point he will do it. But I almost feel like it's going to come down to him or me.

I'm losing it and becoming someone very ugly.

How should I proceed. I don't feel like I can trust myself to not say some very unkind things to him

Fleur,

There are 7,865,458, 432 people in the world ... .just in case your EX BPD is feeling irreplaceable !   I don't need to ask any questions because you have the answers you search for ... .Your sick and tired of being used and abused. He hasn't had a job in 10 years. He runs off with his GF#2 every weekend and you're financing it.  You feel hateful, resentful, so what else could anyone ask you that you don't already know?

So what else could he do for you NOT to leave him? You've already have made the choice ... .NOW put your plan into action. YOU don't deserve the mental abuse! YOU don't deserve the emotional abuse!  YOU don't deserve the physical abuse!  He might have ever touched you in a violent way, but trust me the mental abuse is taking a toll on your body and you deserve better.

Take a deep breath ... .center yourself ... .why he is gone, find another place to live ... .next week while he's gone on his next trip ... .get some friends to help you move ... .a rental truck is $25 a day ... .don't tell him where you moving too ... .it only invites confrontation and then the cops come and nothing good happens after that.  Change your phone number ... .it's FREE and you can do via the computer. Next tell your friends and family not ... .NOT to tell him where you've moved to or your new phone number.  You have to go NO CONTACT (NC) ... .totally ... .completely.  O not look back, DO not regret your choice.

You deserve to be happy ... .you deserve NOT to be abuse on any level. MY ex BPD gf thought it would be ok in a similar situation ... .that it was ok to see me on the Sat / Sun after being with him on Mon / Tues ... .or vise versa ... .or some combination of that. I told her I was done ... .I had carried the casket of one friend who died of AIDS after her bf had extra relationships ... .and it wasn't worth it to me to get a STD / UTI with her poor choices she was making. I told her until she could commit to a monogamous exclusive relationship with me then I didn't want to sleep with her much less see her. She decided to stay with bf#2 as he currently giving her what she needs in the way of a relationship. Non committal ... .no mess ... .see me when I want to see you on my schedule.  

When she tried to commit to me she invited me to one of her therapy sessions ... .it didn't end well. She talked about how she had to end the relationship with bf2 in order to be with me ... .and had some reservations about it. I told the therapist that what I just told you and that I wanted a one on one committed relationship ... .and the therapist told me that it might not ever be possible given her diagnosis and that multiple partners is one of the traits of someone with BPD ... .and only when that person makes a commitment to see a therapist on a weekly basis and the commitment of a s/o to help her change her behavior there might be a chance. We ended the relationship a few weeks later because she couldn't commit to one person ... .and ENTIRE life history had shown that it was going to be a challenge at best for her to want to change.  

I've come to learn a life with someone who has BPD is and will be incredibly stressful throughout your life. That the behavior they have is that of a 3 year old ... .you can't reason with them. I mean have you ever really sat down with a 3 year old and had a conversation? The logic of why they think the way they do or the actions they take?  You have to realize the 3 C's of the BPD s/o. YOU didn't Cause it, YOU can't Control it ... .YOU can't Cure it.  

Something in their childhood ... .something very bad happened and the learned behavior is their way of survival.  No matter what you show / tell them it's not going to matter. They will leave you or keep you at a distance in order to protect themselves from being abandon.  I've given her everything she's has asked for ... .I have spent thousands of dollars in order to move to the state she lived in ... .only to move out of state from her just months later.  My own health has taken a toll ... .my mental health has taken a toll. So I realized with the help of some therapy, reading a few books and becoming more self aware, looking inward, and consuming everything BPD via websites that I could find that it was time for me to separate myself. Nothing good was going to come of this relationship ... .and I deserved better.

YOU deserve better ... .YOU deserve a mutually respectful, caring, loving relationship !   You need to respect yourself ... .seek out guidance and support from a good therapist. It doesn't sound like he has a reason to change even if he wanted to. You support him for 10 years, you approve of his weekend get aways with other women ... .he's not going to change his behavior ... .like my ex BPD gf was NEVER going to change her behavior unless she continues to go to therapy and learns different behavior ... .but from my readings and research this is going to be a lifetime of therapy ... .so ask yourself ... .when your in your 50's ... .your 60's ... .your golden years of retirement where you're suppose to be enjoying life are you willing to continue to tolerate this behavior? The choice is yours ... .but from what I read of your statement ... .you've already made the choice ... .now put your plan in action ... .no one else can do it for you ... .

You deserve to be happy ... .you deserve a life time of happiness ... .You deserve a mutually respectful relationship ... .You deserve a full partner in life ... .

I wish you strength in the days and weeks and months ahead ... .

JQ

[Fleur2013]

Thank you for the supportive words. I was trying to hold off on moving in hopes that he would move out.  Both of our names are on the mortgage and the house is worth less than we paid. I consulted an attorney about foreclosure but was waiting for them to give me an appointment. Every day I get a little closer to walking and saying "scr#ew it".

How can he think this is acceptable? Because he "loves" me and wants to work things out? If he really did want that he would have made the effort regardless of my telling him it was over. But now it's just "well you said you don't want me". He truly is a child and a disrespectful one at that. 

I contacted his brother so that he might have someone to look after him. Despite his brother's reassurance that he wouldn't say anything to him, I think he did since BPDex said today to keep his family out of this. So much for the effort.

[JQ]

Thank you for the supportive words. I was trying to hold off on moving in hopes that he would move out.  Both of our names are on the mortgage and the house is worth less than we paid. I consulted an attorney about foreclosure but was waiting for them to give me an appointment. Every day I get a little closer to walking and saying "scr#ew it".

How can he think this is acceptable? Because he "loves" me and wants to work things out? If he really did want that he would have made the effort regardless of my telling him it was over. But now it's just "well you said you don't want me". He truly is a child and a disrespectful one at that. 

I contacted his brother so that he might have someone to look after him. Despite his brother's reassurance that he wouldn't say anything to him, I think he did since BPDex said today to keep his family out of this. So much for the effort.

Fleur,

I've found that keeping any and all family out of situations like this is best. My mother and sister who are BPD and have tried to reintroduce my expbdgf into my life have flat out told me to just sleep with her ... .it's just sex ... .really? This from my mother and sister ... .so lesson learned there.   

AS far as the mortgage ... .that's a tough one. At least you have legal counsel guiding you on that one. Have you filed for divorce yet?  Perhaps you could have him move out after you  file? Since you've been the sole supporter for 10 years ... .he should move out ... .to his brothers.  At least you still have a tax deduction and lets face it ... .no job he couldn't afford it anyway.  SO keep the house, file, have him move out to his brothers ... .problem solved ... .LOL ... .ok simplified and trying to keep it light.

I'm glad you reached out for our support because we know what you're going through ... .but I encourage you to seek out guidance & support from a therapist ... .you're going to need it and your daughter might too ... .it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength.

Above all ... .be safe ... .be strong ... .

JQ

[apollotech]

He will threaten suicide like he always does. I'm convinced that at some point he will do it.

Fleur,

What has to happen for you to get free of this threat? He's holding you hostage with it. Can you pass the suicide watch responsibility to his family?

[Turkish]

Fluer,

Based upon his behaviors, I would say that he is deservrd of a verbal lashing. So what if you're broken up? You're enabling an affair. I was kind of in the same boat for about 4 months until my Ex could finally move out. We weren't tied together financially so much (we got rid of the new vehicle we had just co-signed for), but I had custody issues to deal with. Given the mortgage, this seems similar.

Though it's painful and maddening to see him all but flaunt his new r/s while denying it, what's best for you in the long run? A mortgage default will follow you for years, hurting you financially, and be an ongoing reminder of this r/s. If it were me, I would feel cinstant anger for all of those years, feeling forced to hurt myself financially in order to flee an emotionally charged situation. That's how I would feel. Maybe that option might be best for you, however.

What I did was to channel Joe Carver. I was bland, boring, emotionless. To me it was business. The business of getting her out and having her sign the custody order so we wouldn't have to go to court. It was almost like ships passing in the night. Tough, with little kids, but I survived. I'm still sometimes stuck at anger, a year and a half since she moved out, but I made it.

[Fleur2013]

Thanks Turkish

I tried to enlist the help of his brother who swore he wouldn't tell him but must have told him something to prompt the "keep my family out of this"  response. He has access to a gun. That's why I contacted his brother. I wanted to give it to him. But instead I had to hide it. At least now I feel that I have removed I obstacle.  My fear is that when he notices that it's gone he will fly into another destructive rage about taking something that's his.

He doesn't have much of a relationship with his family and dosen't really  have any friends. I think this is all a reflection of his mental illness

[JQ]

Thanks Turkish

I tried to enlist the help of his brother who swore he wouldn't tell him but must have told him something to prompt the "keep my family out of this"  response. He has access to a gun. That's why I contacted his brother. I wanted to give it to him. But instead I had to hide it. At least now I feel that I have removed I obstacle.  My fear is that when he notices that it's gone he will fly into another destructive rage about taking something that's his.

He doesn't have much of a relationship with his family and dosen't really  have any friends. I think this is all a reflection of his mental illness

Fleur,

YOU are not responsible for him or his actions! Say it with me!  YOU are RESPONSIBLE for yourself!   Try to remove access to the gun ... .if it's in the house, give it to someone you can trust with a gun lock ... .simple to get at any sport shop. YOU need to get safe ... .YOU deserve better ... .YOU deserve to be happy ... .YOU deserve so much more ... .it sounds like you're going in the right direction ... .

JQ