Reasons why my BPDxbf feels like my soulmate

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Over the last few weeks, I have started to feel that I have nothing left to live for because I found my one true love, it didn't work out, and now I have the rest of my life to live without him. I feel that my life has no further meaning. Beginning when I was growing up, my only goal in life was to find my true love. I always felt that when I found 'the one', when I eventually knew myself to be loved, it would become alright. It has been this hope that has got me through the pain and isolation of my life.

Let's ignore, for the moment, that this thinking isn't healthy and isn't serving me well because I want to explore something else.

Last night, I had a very interesting dream which I feel sheds further light on why I feel my BPDxbf is my soulmate. In the dream, I was watching the 1970s version of Poldark (a British TV serial) with my first love R. Backstory: When I was a young teenager, I had a serious crush on Ross Poldark, the main character. He was rugged, of medium build with unkempt, chestnut hair and a fantastic pair of boots. Where most girls liked pop stars, I was crazy about Ross Poldark. His hair was reminiscent of my father's.

It seems that this look became my 'type' and a number of significant events in my life were with men of this 'type':

I was 14, I had my first ever dance with a boy. I was so excited that he wanted to date me that I couldn't sleep that night. When he decided it wasn't worth us dating since Dad said I had to be home for 10pm, I was bereft and spent weeks mooning around and looking for him, until I finally gave up. He was that 'type'.  

My first love R was that 'type'. I was so happy. I never thought to consider that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with him. To me, you met someone, got married and lived happily ever after. That was what I'd been taught. It never occurred to me that he might leave me but eventually he did. I felt utterly suicidal because if the one man who loved me didn't love me anymore, what hope was there that anyone else would want me? It took me years to get over that particular heartbreak.

Fast forward to now, my BPDxbf is that 'type'. He combines that rugged, windswept 'look' of Ross Poldark with a pair of glasses not dissimilar to the ones my father has always worn and something of the facial features look of my first fiance (who didn't have the hair colour but did have the build and bent towards motorbikes that my first love R had).

As an aspie, I have difficulty in reading faces. I tend to recognise people by physical attributes such as build, gait, hair colour, glasses etc. If someone changes the colour of their hair, I won't recognise them to begin with, though with time I will usually figure out who they are. I suspect, that the emotional experiences of the past, the love and losses, are all tied into the physical attributes of build and hair colour rather than the distinct facial features that distinguish one person from another. I think I have transferred my feelings from the past quite powerfully onto my BPDxbf. Thus all the emotions connected with these significant people: my father, my first crush, my first dance, my first love, my first fiance, have come together in this one new person, my BPDxbf. Perhaps it is the old emotions playing out when I feel my BPDxbf is my one true love.

Lifewiter

[Lifewriter16]

Over the last few weeks, I have started to feel that I have nothing left to live for because I found my one true love, it didn't work out, and now I have the rest of my life to live without him. I feel that my life has no further meaning. Beginning when I was growing up, my only goal in life was to find my true love. I always felt that when I found 'the one', when I eventually knew myself to be loved, it would become alright. It has been this hope that has got me through the pain and isolation of my life.

Let's ignore, for the moment, that this thinking isn't healthy and isn't serving me well because I want to explore something else.

Last night, I had a very interesting dream which I feel sheds further light on why I feel my BPDxbf is my soulmate. In the dream, I was watching the 1970s version of Poldark (a British TV serial) with my first love R. Backstory: When I was a young teenager, I had a serious crush on Ross Poldark, the main character. He was rugged, of medium build with unkempt, chestnut hair and a fantastic pair of boots. Where most girls liked pop stars, I was crazy about Ross Poldark. His hair was reminiscent of my father's.

It seems that this look became my 'type' and a number of significant events in my life were with men of this 'type':

I was 14, I had my first ever dance with a boy. I was so excited that he wanted to date me that I couldn't sleep that night. When he decided it wasn't worth us dating since Dad said I had to be home for 10pm, I was bereft and spent weeks mooning around and looking for him, until I finally gave up. He was that 'type'.  

My first love R was that 'type'. I was so happy. I never thought to consider that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life with him. To me, you met someone, got married and lived happily ever after. That was what I'd been taught. It never occurred to me that he might leave me but eventually he did. I felt utterly suicidal because if the one man who loved me didn't love me anymore, what hope was there that anyone else would want me? It took me years to get over that particular heartbreak.

Fast forward to now, my BPDxbf is that 'type'. He combines that rugged, windswept 'look' of Ross Poldark with a pair of glasses not dissimilar to the ones my father has always worn and something of the facial features look of my first fiance (who didn't have the hair colour but did have the build and bent towards motorbikes that my first love R had).

As an aspie, I have difficulty in reading faces. I tend to recognise people by physical attributes such as build, gait, hair colour, glasses etc. If someone changes the colour of their hair, I won't recognise them to begin with, though with time I will usually figure out who they are. I suspect, that the emotional experiences of the past, the love and losses, are all tied into the physical attributes of build and hair colour rather than the distinct facial features that distinguish one person from another. I think I have transferred my feelings from the past quite powerfully onto my BPDxbf. Thus all the emotions connected with these significant people: my father, my first crush, my first dance, my first love, my first fiance, have come together in this one new person, my BPDxbf. Perhaps it is the old emotions playing out when I feel my BPDxbf is my one true love.

Lifewiter

[Learning_curve74]

Very insightful on your part, Lifewriter! 

We all tell ourselves stories that help define who we are to ourselves. Perhaps this is one of them? That the person you are is somebody who meets your own personal Poldark and lives happily ever after? It's hard to take control of our lives when the narrative is dependent on other people though. What are you doing about this?

[Lifewriter16]

That I tell myself that I am someone who meets my own personal Poldark and lives happily ever after, is a very interesting perspective, learning_curve. That is what it amounts to but I hadn't seen the wood for the trees. Thank you for you perceptiveness.

What am I doing to take control of my life? Another good question. I have always lived my life around other people and always had an excuse as to why I couldn't do this, that or the other. It is time to change that, to figure out what I want and to realise my dreams.

Lifewriter

[Learning_curve74]

What am I doing to take control of my life? Another good question. I have always lived my life around other people and always had an excuse as to why I couldn't do this, that or the other. It is time to change that, to figure out what I want and to realise my dreams.

It's excellent that you recognize this about yourself, Lifewriter. 

There's nothing wrong with desiring caring relationships with other people because we are social animals. It's in choosing healthy ways of relating that will bring the most joy.

And good for you in desiring to find yourself and chase your own dreams! And it's totally OK if your own personal Poldark is one of aspirations, perhaps just not your only one or most important one. May your self-awareness and insight be a helpful tool on your journey. So what do you think the first steps for you will be?

[Lifewriter16]

I do have hopes and dreams:

• Live a simple life



• Make prayer and meditation a more significant part of my life



• Have some counselling with an AS specialist



• Spend more time by water



• Live on a barge



• Get short stories published



• Run more therapeutic writing and personal development courses



• Do MA in Therapeutic Writing



• Write health articles for magazines



• Write a novel



• Undertake some art therapy



• Live in community



• Paint/draw flowers using the numerous colour pencils and art and craft materials I have amassed



• Develop my patchwork



• Create mosaics & stained glass



• Pottery sculpture



• Go to Cornwall (Poldark country) and take in the power of the sea



• Take a trip to Scotland in a camper van and paint the scenery



• Go to Egypt, travel down the Nile and see the pyramids



• Spend time writing in cafes in Paris

I have started taking action to manifest some of these things in my life, but I have a sigificantly disabling fear of failure and sense of inadequacy that has created a lack is follow-through, commitment and perseverance... .

Thanks for caring, learning_curve

Lifewriter x

[Loosestrife]

Hi life writer

Imagine your soulmate, but this time where they love you conditionally, reciprocate your kindness, and being in their company is so easy going that you don't ever have to tread on eggshells again... .

... .those potential soulmates are out there us - how exciting is that thought?

[Learning_curve74]

I do have hopes and dreams:

• Live a simple life



• Make prayer and meditation a more significant part of my life



• Have some counselling with an AS specialist



• Spend more time by water



• Live on a barge



• Get short stories published



• Run more therapeutic writing and personal development courses



• Do MA in Therapeutic Writing



• Write health articles for magazines



• Write a novel



• Undertake some art therapy



• Live in community



• Paint/draw flowers using the numerous colour pencils and art and craft materials I have amassed



• Develop my patchwork



• Create mosaics & stained glass



• Pottery sculpture



• Go to Cornwall (Poldark country) and take in the power of the sea



• Take a trip to Scotland in a camper van and paint the scenery



• Go to Egypt, travel down the Nile and see the pyramids



• Spend time writing in cafes in Paris

I have started taking action to manifest some of these things in my life, but I have a sigificantly disabling fear of failure and sense of inadequacy that has created a lack is follow-through, commitment and perseverance... .

That is a good list, Lifewriter! Some goals easier, some more lofty, and that is a good thing.

It's perfectly okay to have a fear of failure or feel inadequate. If we never ever felt fear, then we would never have a chance to be brave!

I know the same feeling of having a hard time of keeping up and following through on goals. However, does that mean we are failing? Why or why not? Sometimes we grow a lot more through just the processes and the failures.

Also, a recent thread here about self-sabotage may be a worthwhile read: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281242.0

[Lifewriter16]

Dear All,

I've been feeling significantly depressed over the past few days. Though my BPDxbf and I are back together again, supposedly 'taking it slowly' and 'making a go of it' in his eyes, I don't feel so great.

As you know, I reviewed my dreams. I can also add a few more:

• Have friends and a social life



• Live in a place where there is a sense of community and I am part of it



• Write a screenplay



• Walk or cycle the entire length of the Leeds - Liverpool Canal (&/or do it by barge)



• Make teddy bears



• Do a qualification in art psychotherapy



• Incorporate art psychotherapy into my groups



• Develop a wardrobe around 1950s and flapper girl themes

When I was still married to my husband, I could visualise what my future would be like. I knew we'd spend our twilight years volunteering on his favourite preservation railway and enjoying the beauty of its surroundings. We spent most of our marriage there. Yes, I know these were all his dreams rather than mine, but now, I can't visualise my future at all and I find that very scary. As my divorce progressed, I became more and more aware that I have a strong need for security and that I put that above all else.

I thought I'd feel happy when I got back together with my BPDxbf, but I find that I am still grieving the demise of my the relationship. I don't believe it is possible anymore. My BPDbf is still married to his wife and is too scared to try to divorce her in case she denies him access to his daughter. He has no job, no money, no financial sense and few dreams of his own. I have no money either. So, there's no way to do half of the things on my list. We struggle to get through a week without a significant argument. If I'm upset, it's all about him. I fear spending the rest of my life in isolation. I know I'm thinking emotionally and things can and will change, but I still feel sad and miserable.

I know the next step is to consider each of my dreams in turn and look at what significance they have for me and see if there are other ways of satisfying those needs. I know I need to take little steps in the right direction and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I come out the other side, but I am scared of what the future does or doesn't hold. I don't want to end up living on my own.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

In the last week or so, a couple of things have been going on for me.

Firstly, I am becoming more and more aware of ways in which my BPDbf's behaviour, not only his appearance, feels familiar to me. He reminds me of both of my parents in some ways.

My father is affectionate and warm on occasion, but he had an explosive temper and tended to tell me to move out if I dared to disagree with him.

My mother is rather waif-like and is easily 'hurt'. I often feel like she backs me into a corner in such a way that there is no way that I can feel good about myself. If I do what she wants me to do I feel controlled and lose my self-respect. If I don't do what she wants me to do or I set a boundary with her because her behaviour is outrageous (and it often is), then I lose my self-respect because I feel I am being nasty or selfish or I feel guilty for hurting her. I've wanted to avoid her for years. Half the time I hate her for putting me in a situation that is lose:lose. I'm beginning to feel that I am being 'set-up' by her so she always gets the outcome she wants. Either she gets what she wants or she gets to feel she is the nice one, the innocent one and gets to complain to my father about what a horrible person I am. I'm sick to death of her and frequently wish she was dead. She doesn't listen. She has no capacity to put herself in someone else's shoes and is manipulative and controlling. I hate her. We have nothing in common and to try to find common ground, I tend to whinge and complain on her level. I hate the person I become when I am around her. And I hate even being in the same room as her. She is cold and frosty and unloving. I feel trapped by her and I long to escape from her clutches. I feel suffocated by a person who doesn't even seem to like me (and certainly was unable to show me any love) but just won't let me go. It's like being kidnapped. I'm sick of her using her money to control or cause trouble and then implying I'm only after her money. I wish she was someone else's problem. I recently told her I wasn't stopping her from seeing the kids, that she could come round as long as she behaves herself. She acted confused. I said I'd point it out to her next time she 'misbehaved'. The thing is, she does something that puts me in an awkward situation such that I need to set a boundary virtually every time I see her. I'm exhausted. Just being around her is a massive trigger.  Last time she came, she asked pointblank: "What are you going to do for my birthday?" I wanted to say: "F*** all! I don't like you. Go away." but instead I asked what she hoped I'd do. I offered an alternative and am now landed with that, a compromise, but I didn't want to do anything at all. I felt backed into a corner. Other than murder (which feels tempting on occasion but obviously isn't on my list of possible solutions), what do you suggest I could try?

The second thing that is happening is that as I look at my dreams and how I can realise them and make moves to make my life better, I find I am becoming more and more depressed. And the crux of it is that I thought meeting 'Mr Right' would make me feel better and it didn't. I think it's quite likely that realising my dreams won't cure my malaise either. I think it boils down to me feeling bad about myself... .

Thanks for reading... .

Lifewriter

x

[Lifewriter16]

Let's add a note of positivity here:

I've enrolled on a couple of adult education classes which will advance my goals:

• French - so I can order those croissants when I make my trip to Paris.



• Painting and Drawing - so I can learn how to paint flowers more effectively and learn how to paint landscapes and thus the wonderful scenery I'll find on my trip to Scotland. It will also help me to build a portfolio of work, which I'll need if I apply for a place on an art therapy course.

I will be starting some voluntary work with a community arts project in the next few weeks which will help me to feel I'm making a contribution and will hopefully give me a sense of being part of a community.

Unfortunately, I've drawn a blank so far with getting some art therapy for myself, but there's progress being made towards me getting some counselling with an AS specialist who will be able to help me with the issues I have around my recent diagnosis (I dare say I might mention BPD quite a lot too!).

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I made a decision about my BPDxbf yesterday and I feel really positive about it.

I have decided to set aside a special, but small place in my heart, where all the love I feel for him can be kept, safe and intact but contained. I've been concerned that, if he ever healed and came back, it would be too late because I simply wouldn't love him anymore because I'd have had to sacrifice the love I feel for him to be able to heal. Thus I feared the possibility of a future for us would be lost entirely. My new plan, allows the precious love I have for him to still be available to me should I ever need it, but it's not going to interfere with life because it's not consuming my whole heart and it's not going to stop me from loving again... .


And my novel writing, French, yoga and art classes are going really well. The next step is to get well enough to get a job... .

Love Lifewriter

[Circle]

I read your original post L.W.

That was insightful and interesting.

Maybe I'll follow the whole thread later.

Thanks for sharing.

-Circle

[Lifewriter16]

Here's some more reasons (not so pleasant ones) why my BPDxbf may have felt like my soulmate:

• My father doesn't like dissent. On the odd occasion when I have questioned his decisions (rather than said nothing so as to avoid challenging him), he has threatened to throw me out. My BPDxbf also threatened to leave me if I did or said something he didn't like.



• My father is often a placid, loving soul, but he can go from placid to shouting the house down in one unpredictable step with no graduations of irritation in between. I didn't always understand why. He was a drill sergeant in the army. When he was angry, I was very frightened of him. He had violent tendencies, especially towards my brothers but once towards me. My BPDxbf went from being loving to shouting at me and calling me names quite unpredictably. I was frightened of him too. Whilst my BPDxbf wasn't violent towards me whilst we were together, he told me that he had a criminal conviction for threatening his wife with a knife and smashing up her kitchen. I think he wanted me to accept him as he was, in full knowledge so to speak, but it made me frightened that I could be next. He once told me he'd had an image of me with multiple stab wounds and my head cut off. It freaked me out.



• I felt held hostage by my mother, manipulated into doing what she wanted and meeting her needs against my will. I felt pretty similarly towards my BPDxbf.

• I felt invisible in my relationship with my BPDxbf and often lonely. Those were feelings I experienced a lot as a child.

Lifewriter

[Michelle27]

I know now that my ex seemed to be my soulmate because he did a great job mirroring who I was and I fell for it.  I met him at a vulnerable point of my life because I was only 6 months out of a physically abusive marriage and clearly hadn't done any work on myself as far as why I stayed in that marriage as long as I did.  When the rages started after 5 years going by, I thought it would stop.  Little did I know that the floodgates had only just opened and I'd be subjected to a decade more of it.  I stayed because I didn't believe in myself or my self worth enough and thought the early days of what I thought was good could return.  For 10 years, in between the rages, I saw glimpses of those early days but at some point they became so rare and even when they did happen I didn't trust it and that's when I started working on myself and discovered the existence of BPD.  Then I was relieved and thought the answer was fixing that but didn't dig deep enough within myself to understand the dynamics of the toxicity of the relationship.  Gradually, that changed and despite him being desperate in the last year or two to fix it by making promises constantly, it never seemed genuine and after so much damage I couldn't risk taking more time and energy I had already sacrificed from taking care of me, my kids and my career.

[Lifewriter16]

I know why my BPDxbf actually feels like my soulmate now!


He is the only man I have ever met who processes pain in a similar way to myself (well, at all quite frankly until I started posting on this forum). His life is subsumed by the processing of pain, as mine has been. He processes his pain in a similar way, by writing and emoting and then talking of what he has discovered about himself. He'd been in therapy for a while when I met him and so was already part way through the healing journey, as was I. When we met, I felt that sense of recognition of a kindred spirit. I felt validated. I wasn't the only person on the planet like me.


This is why he feels like the other slipper in this comfortable pair.

Lifewriter x

[cloudten]

Hi life writer

Imagine your soulmate, but this time where they love you conditionally, reciprocate your kindness, and being in their company is so easy going that you don't ever have to tread on eggshells again... .

... .those potential soulmates are out there us - how exciting is that thought?

This made me cry--- just saying. How truly amazing would that be... .to lose my seeming best friend only to find my real best friend.

[cloudten]

I know why my BPDxbf actually feels like my soulmate now!


He is the only man I have ever met who processes pain in a similar way to myself (well, at all quite frankly until I started posting on this forum). His life is subsumed by the processing of pain, as mine has been. He processes his pain in a similar way, by writing and emoting and then talking of what he has discovered about himself. He'd been in therapy for a while when I met him and so was already part way through the healing journey, as was I. When we met, I felt that sense of recognition of a kindred spirit. I felt validated. I wasn't the only person on the planet like me.


This is why he feels like the other slipper in this comfortable pair.

Lifewriter x

That is a very interesting concept... .I will have to think on that and how it applies to me.

Do you think you can find that in someone else... .someone healthy?  I am sure there are other people (healthy people) out there who process pain through writing and emoting. It might take a while to find. What about someone who processes pain through art? Would that be similar enough?

Why are you drawn to someone who processes pain the same way? That is an interesting question.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

I think it's more that he is a man who processes pain and thus understands me. My experience of men is that they don't process pain at all. My BPDxbf is an unusual male whom I can talk to on a deep level because he 'gets' where I'm coming from. Usually, I feel like an alien being.

Lifewriter x

[cloudten]

Hi cloudten,

I think it's more that he is a man who processes pain and thus understands me. My experience of men is that they don't process pain at all. My BPDxbf is an unusual male whom I can talk to on a deep level because he 'gets' where I'm coming from. Usually, I feel like an alien being.

Lifewriter x

I understand the feeling like an alien being so much. I feel like I can be socially awkward. I have always felt different from all of my peers. People seem attracted to me- I turn away more men than I care to admit. So I wouldn't classify myself as an "outcast"... .but there is something different about me that makes me an unusual female. If that makes sense. But i do feel different. I am a unique soul that's for sure. So when I, too, found someone who "gets" me, it was home.

For me the feeling of being home was entirely eclipsed by abuse. I believe that is one reason I grieve the relationship so hard- its because I am not sure I will ever have that level of understanding from anyone else. The funny thing is- I don't think I am a complex person. I am very simple. I like things simple. Maybe that is what makes me different from other women who are more complex. I don't know. Just typing out loud.

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I had insight into a deep level of attraction to my BPDbf. In some ways, he reminds me of my Gran, who was a source of love in my life and whose death came as a massive blow. His hair is thin and wispy like hers, he's well built like she was and there may even be some facial resemblance. No wonder I associate him with 'love'.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

One of my more powerful insights about my true love feeling for my ex was his smell. It took me several years to figure this out.

When I was about eight years old my mother finally had a nice boyfriend. His name was Jack. I'll never forget Jack. He was kind and sweet and seemed to genuinely care for me. He also didn't molest me. Jack was this young hippie dude, and, don't laugh, he never used deodorant. He had the most masculine, strong smell ever. Someone might call it offensive. Not me, I loved it.

Jack ended up leaving my mom, and I was devastated. I missed him so bad. He was a ray of hope and safety in my life and he left. (talk about abandonment fears... .)

My ex has a very strong body odor that smells exactly like Jack. I remember when I realized this not long ago I was thunderstruck. I used to love how my ex smelled and often told him that.

[Lifewriter16]

Smell is such a powerful sense, Hurtin. I know exactly where you are coming from.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Interesting I could have such a powerful sexual attraction to a man who smelled like the one father figure who didn't molest me.

I wonder if your association of your ex with your lovely, kind grandma was also an association of a safe parental figure.

It's rather humbling, but also strangely comforting, for me to realize that my attraction to my ex was not all about him being a soul mate but other factors.

Hope you are taking care of yourself, lifewriter. Send my hugs and comfort.