Don't understand behavior

[newcmags]

So I came home tonight a little early from work in a good mood from getting off two hours early and still getting paid for it and everything.  I noticed the wife's car is unlocked.  So I ask why is your car unlocked?  She reacts with hostility.  I take her keys and lock her car.  Come back in and sit at the table going through my phone.  This enrages her.  "Why dont you just go upstairs already?" (I have a small room where I am relegated to much of the time I am at home, recliner, twin bed, TV, my computer... .I freaking hate it).  I ask her why do I have to always be up there?  No answer... .you can tell her blood pressure is rising and she is panicking... .like a full blown attack.  So I start to say I am gonna head to the store to get my mom a birthday gift.  That sets her off as she had already decided what to buy,  Then I head upstairs after getting some food.  About 10 minutes later I get a string of texts about how she cannot take this anymore and stuff like that.

I have no idea what is going on.  I am just a trigger for her now?  What can be at all to remedy this situation?  I have been reading through the lessons but I am just starting... .Any hints on a situation like this0 for a newbie?

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[an0ught]

Hi newcmags,

the answers are all in the LESSONS 

But of course it takes a while to tease them out. Here is a quick fix for a lot of problems: Take the word "why" and ban it from your vocabulary. It tends to be invalidating and it just goats the other side into the JADE trap. A somewhat better choice would be "what" in many cases. In your case letting it go or using SET would have been better. Another "trick" - when you come home first do smalltalk before you bring up problems. I hate it when my wife opens the door and dumps issues on me - can't seem to be able to learn that this is not the right thing. It is simply invalidating in almost all cases.

I suspect after triggering her with the key she was too upset to not be triggered by your invalidating behavior (browsing and ignoring her). What she usually is able to tolerate she was not able anymore. Her texts are confused extinction burst type behavior - while you did not have really a clean boundary but with you then waking then upstairs and not engaging in a fight with her (remember belligerent phrase/tone) she likely experienced something similar to a boundary.

Her suggestion giving her space - however belligerent she phrased it - was a sound one. Good you took her up 

[ponco]

The advice seems to be "keep walking on eggshells"  :'(

[an0ught]

The advice seems to be "keep walking on eggshells"  :'(

Well, the question was what is going on. A deeper understanding of the odd behavior is very important to deploy the right tools in the right way. It is also important to know when tools fail. So let's look at this more from a how-to perspective.

It is a common initial misunderstanding to equate avoiding invalidation with walking on eggshells. It is tempting to compare avoiding to trigger (walking on eggshells) with avoiding irritating/emotionally disorienting behavior that is triggering. Avoiding invalidation is avoiding the toxic subset of triggering that does more long term damage beyond the immediate blow-up. Avoiding to protect a boundary (often requiring to invalidate in the situation) and the related major blow up on the other hand would be unhealthy for us and the pwBPD in the medium to long term. When we protect a boundary we accept that a few eggs are crushed.

Consistency in our behavior is key. And as described above without a firm framework it is easy to get lost. The framework is based primarily on Validation and Boundaries which is very different from shooting for the goal of avoiding to crack a few eggs. Both key tools affect in the short term and support the emotional regulation of the pwBPD in the medium to long term.

Back to the situation: Approaching anyone with problems without smalltalk is simply impolite. It is easily startling, surprising etc. which are all activating immediately the fight-flight response system and shutting off reason. In pwBPD the reason is shut off and is usually not recovered quickly. One of the most important intermediate advanced tools to communicate with a pwBPD is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) which is deliberately structured in a way to put the hard stuff at the end after some relationship building. The fact that the car door was open should definitely be shared but only after "Hello" and entering a SET sequence.

The fact that wife felt ignored is a fact - fair or not. Considering that she was alone some time beforehand and might have something to share makes this understandable. Coming home and wanting to read something is also understandable. Both sides behave natural but the wife is invalidated. As this situation will repeat it is worth thinking on how to avoid this conflict. One way would be for newcmags to deliberately dedicate 15 purely to listening/validation as the first thing when coming home. Another way would be for newcmags to to upstairs and not be visible for a limited time. The latter will be harder on her and I would recommend the former until newcmags has a solid grip on boundaries.

When she finally blew up there was nothing to do anymore - she was beyond reason. Going upstairs was the only healthy course of action left. Distance allowed both sides to cool down quicker than if they would have stayed close. The text messages are an indication that she got temporarily further upset. But they are imho. also a sign that she does not feel listened to. So newcmags dedicating time to active listening / validation might help her in general.

[waverider]

The advice seems to be "keep walking on eggshells"  :'(

Sometimes it seems like that until you start to learn the subtle differences. What is being talked about is really how not to make things worse and pick your battles.

Not making things worse in this case is probably the perceived criticism when you first walk in the door over something minor. Then you ignore her. To her this is "you screwed up, followed by you are not important". No doubt this dynamic is entrenched and what you are dealing with represents  'final straw' type reactions. She could well have had something positive to say, but she perceived you pre emptively supplanted a bad mood before she could say anything, hence ruining the mood. Your 'what did I do?" attitude would then inflame the invalidation more.

I used to be a bad offender for this... Now I stop, be mindful of anyone else before moving on to do, or say, whatever it is i want to do or say.

You are both most likely stuck in a dismissive tit for tat type dynamic, where neither of you makes the other feel important.

To stop walking on eggshells you first need to make the other person feel worthwhile, using support and empathy, then using your truth in order not to walk on eggshells. In other words clean your boots before planting them firmly where you want to go.

[Notwendy]

Two events set this up from the get go.

Your coming home early is a change in routine. Your wife may be accustomed to having this time to herself. She may have even intended to go and lock her car before you came home, but you beat her to the task. Consider this possibility... .the car is unlocked because she came home and as soon as she walked in the house, the phone was ringing and she attended to it... .or, she returned from the store and carried her packages in, and was going to go back and lock it but just forgot momentarily.

You come home and the first thing you notice is something she has not done. What about the things she has done. Did you notice any of them? Did she have any notice you were coming home or was she taken off guard? Do you make comments about what she hasn't done more than acknowledge what she has done?

PwBPD can have a lot of shame triggered. This coming home unexpectedly and saying  " why isn't your car locked?"- which sounds confrontational, was likely to have set off a sense of shame in her. It isn't walking on eggshells to be aware of how your spouse sees things. You won't be able to influence her unique reactions, but you can be aware of them.  A next time might be to call when you are on the way home, notice that the car isn't locked, and wait to see if she was going to do it. If not, then maybe later, say " honey, I am going to lock the car for you, can you give me the keys?