This is a great idea...

[JulietF]

This website is a great way to idea: I'm trying to be grateful that I've found it rather than cursing the fact that I haven't found it until now.

I met my partner, 'Will' online 14 months ago

We moved in together very quickly (within two months) because his housing situation changed and I figured that as I was- then- 35 and he 41- trying to make things work could be something we did now or later... .I owned, he rented. He was willing to apply for a transfer in his work: such an option doesn't exist for me. He had a life in his hometown: a good relationship with his GP and felt his worth within the community.

He was upfront about his BPD and depression early in the relationship as I was about my Daddy's suicide and my own issues with moderate depression.

Will has four children: three he isn't allowed to see and one he sees when he's well

enough. He has recently been medically retired because of his BPD.

My biggest question is how do I help my partner? He is having a tough time at the minute. His GP won't prescribe sleep medication: he's frustrated and angry: and tells me that I'd be better off without him. He has attempted suicide in the past... .

I want to know what I say when he lists all the things that are going wrong for him. I want to know how to deal with feeling inadequate in response to this: I feel selfish because I want to be enough for him. I want to feel that our relationship gives him enough hope to carry on.

Thanks again

JF

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome.

Your relationship will never be "enough" for him. No one, BPD or not, should get all their needs met from just a relationship. You especially will likely have difficulty getting YOUR needs met that you'd get met in a normally healthy relationship. We can't be their rescuers, and we can't fill the hole they feel. We can validate, and be supportive, which I think is what you are asking how to do, but please don't go into this with unrealistic expectations. You are very lucky he was honest about his BPD, as many of us didn't get that.

The tools on the right are very helpful. It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle, but this is his battle, and while you can do things that will help, try not to take on the role of sole caretaker to him. The most we can do it be there for them, validate them, and keep ourselves healthy emotionally. It can be very draining, but there are also lots of good outcomes here on the staying board.

[an0ught]

Hi JulietF,

thank you for your friendly and positive topic line  ... .

I want to know what I say when he lists all the things that are going wrong for him. I want to know how to deal with feeling inadequate in response to this: I feel selfish because I want to be enough for him. I want to feel that our relationship gives him enough hope to carry on.

... .and please try to stop to be positive when it comes to your BF. The first thing to learn is that displaying positive emotions, being constructive etc. is invalidating and making matters worse. Dealing with a desperate and depressed person can be very taxing   and our instincts tell us to try to turn them into a positive direction. This does not work. What works is accepting they are negative and letting them know/feel that we truly get it. Then THEY have a better chance to feel less negative and possibly even discover the ray of hope from the sun. To learn how to validate negative emotions check out the LESSONS and especially the workshops on Validation and watch the Video by Fruzzetti (an hour well spend, two hours well spend it you watch it twice).

,

a0

[waverider]

If someone with BPD is feeling unworthy and incapabable, trying to fix or solve their problems highlights their own short fallings(in their eyes).

It is best to ask, and discuss their issues. This is the support and empathy part of being their for them. Believing in them, as that is what they are short of. Hopefully leading them to their own answers and self rescue, prompting them along the way.

Phrasing things such as "how would it look if you let XYZ happen, what is the worse that can happen? How would that make you feel, and can you think what other options are available?" as opposed to "dont do XYZ or this will happen".

The latter will lead to a "you do it, because I am hopeless" type of reaction