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Author Topic: "No," that's her reply  (Read 3056 times)
SummerStorm
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« Reply #30 on: August 05, 2015, 02:00:04 PM »

I'm sorry to hear that today was upsetting rather than being an enjoyable experience. Birthdays can be hard.

In the past, I have been tempted to count my birthday cards and use the lack of them as a way of tormenting myself for having 'no friends'. Of course, it has never been true that I have 'no' friends, but I do feel the lack of a close confidante these days. I've learnt to stop counting my birthday cards, but I do still find myself struck by negative comparisons when I see masses of cards in other people's living room windows.

I hope being involved in BPD Family helps reduce that sense of isolation a little. It does for me.

Love Lifewriter

I got cards from three people: my mom, my dad, and my mom's friend.

I have 6 contacts in my phone: my mom, three co-workers, work, and my boss.

I consider myself a nice person, so it's always been hard for me to figure out why I have no friends. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #31 on: August 05, 2015, 02:16:01 PM »

Happy Birthday! 

I feel lonely alot. I don't a have much of a support group right now. I used to be very social, lots of friends. Then over the years in a relationship with my Ex I lost myself in the relationship, eventually friendships twindled away, I am 3 hours from my family. I allowed the dsyfunctional relationship get to me, I was unhappy, but commited, I became an angry person and became hard to approach, close off from people. Not myself at all.

So I am trying to me more friendly and open. Trying to be the person I know I am. I don't have issues with going out by myself, or I should say I didn't, until the latest replacement. I am not ready to run into them yet and there a pretty good chance it will happen. So I feel even more isolate and lonely. Just know you aren't alone!

I open for chatting anyime. I open to making friends anytime. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #32 on: August 05, 2015, 02:27:05 PM »

I've always struggled with making friends. At one point, I thought I was just so deeply traumatised by being bullied at school that I was keeping people at arms length to protect myself. I thought that if I had enough therapy, I would be released to be the true me and then everyone would like me (interesting thought processes there!). Then, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and now the isolation makes more sense. I can now see why people seem to be uncomfortable around me or perhaps, more comfortable with other people. It helps a little to understand what's going on, but it still hurts and it takes inordinate effort to put myself out there and try to make friends. So, I know how it feels even though I don't know what to do to change the situation.

Lifewriter x
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rotiroti
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« Reply #33 on: August 05, 2015, 03:40:41 PM »

Making friends is not an easy thing to do and also friends come and go throughout life.

I think anyone here that read your messages can see that you really are a nice and caring person. You don't quantify a quality like that with the number of friends one has or station in life.

I know people that would love to have such a loving and supportive parents!
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #34 on: August 05, 2015, 04:18:14 PM »

Making friends is not an easy thing to do and also friends come and go throughout life.

I think anyone here that read your messages can see that you really are a nice and caring person. You don't quantify a quality like that with the number of friends one has or station in life.

I know people that would love to have such a loving and supportive parents!

Very true, and I'm glad I have them.  However, Mom is almost 70, and Dad isn't far behind.  I'm also moving out of the house in two months and will be living alone for the first time in my life (I commuted when I was in college).  I need to have people other than them in my life.  Mom has a bad knee and just can't walk around New York City/zoos/malls/etc. like she used to.  I also have other interests (hiking, specifically) that neither parent can participate in. 

I tried Meetup groups, but the meetings either get canceled or hardly anyone shows up. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why so many people are jerks.  At least I know that my former friend BPD has BPD for sure, and although I can't forgive her actions, she at least has a valid reason for them.  The last friend I had before her was four years ago, and she just stopped talking to me.  She gave me no reason why.  We were best friends for 7 years.  We weren't fighting.  We were sending each other cards for birthdays and holidays.  Everything was great, and then she just stopped replying to my messages. 

My friends in high school dropped me when I came out to them because they couldn't deal with it.  So, I just stayed closeted throughout college and basically kept my head down and plowed through classes. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
Beach_Babe
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« Reply #35 on: August 05, 2015, 04:27:37 PM »

Happy Birthday SS  ♡♡♡

I'm sorry your ex was rude.  Those are  valid questions and you deserved an answer. *hugs*  What were you hoping would happen?
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rotiroti
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« Reply #36 on: August 05, 2015, 04:34:00 PM »

Making friends is not an easy thing to do and also friends come and go throughout life.

I think anyone here that read your messages can see that you really are a nice and caring person. You don't quantify a quality like that with the number of friends one has or station in life.

I know people that would love to have such a loving and supportive parents!

Very true, and I'm glad I have them.  However, Mom is almost 70, and Dad isn't far behind.  I'm also moving out of the house in two months and will be living alone for the first time in my life (I commuted when I was in college).  I need to have people other than them in my life.  Mom has a bad knee and just can't walk around New York City/zoos/malls/etc. like she used to.  I also have other interests (hiking, specifically) that neither parent can participate in. 

I tried Meetup groups, but the meetings either get canceled or hardly anyone shows up. 

I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding why so many people are jerks.  At least I know that my former friend BPD has BPD for sure, and although I can't forgive her actions, she at least has a valid reason for them.  The last friend I had before her was four years ago, and she just stopped talking to me.  She gave me no reason why.  We were best friends for 7 years.  We weren't fighting.  We were sending each other cards for birthdays and holidays.  Everything was great, and then she just stopped replying to my messages. 

My friends in high school dropped me when I came out to them because they couldn't deal with it.  So, I just stayed closeted throughout college and basically kept my head down and plowed through classes. 

Seriously, kids can be so cruel! It's funny, kids try so hard to be a conformist in HS, but as they grow up try so hard to be individualistic. I say good riddance to them and kudos for you for having the courage and trust. Have you ever processed the hurt from those days?

As for hiking I know meetups can be a crapshoot. Have you visited hiking forums at all? There are usually ones for each state and also if you go to reddit, there are forums like reddit.com/r/hiking that cater to hikers. Perhaps you can branch off and try a meetup for something related? Something outdoorsy? Like a softball league, capture the flag, frisbee, volleyball... .

Do you like dogs? They're great hiking companions and I find my time volunteering at the animal shelter to be really rewarding. Almost evey animal lover I've met are kind, especially the ones I've met at the shelters.

Any interesting co-workers? (Now i know some people may say nay to hanging out with people you work with, but sometimes you can find some quality people!)

Also are you in any support groups? Perhaps a church?  I'm somewhat of a lapsed Catholic, but some of my closest friends are from Church.

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SummerStorm
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« Reply #37 on: August 05, 2015, 04:53:21 PM »

Seriously, kids can be so cruel! It's funny, kids try so hard to be a conformist in HS, but as they grow up try so hard to be individualistic. I say good riddance to them and kudos for you for having the courage and trust. Have you ever processed the hurt from those days?

Mostly, yes.  The high school I went to was definitely NOT the high school I would have chosen.  Unless you were an athlete, it was the absolute worst.  So many other schools in the area are more balanced in their focus on athletics and the arts.  The school where I teach has a musical and also a play.  When I was in high school, I would have loved to have acted in a play, but we only had a musical, and I can't sing. 

As for hiking I know meetups can be a crapshoot. Have you visited hiking forums at all? There are usually ones for each state and also if you go to reddit, there are forums like reddit.com/r/hiking that cater to hikers. Perhaps you can branch off and try a meetup for something related? Something outdoorsy? Like a softball league, capture the flag, frisbee, volleyball... .

In general, Meetup is a crapshoot in my area.  Bigger cities have a lot, but I just don't have the time or money right now to be driving 1-2 hours to a big city all the time.  There is another outdoors group, but they don't have many meetings.

Do you like dogs? They're great hiking companions and I find my time volunteering at the animal shelter to be really rewarding. Almost evey animal lover I've met are kind, especially the ones I've met at the shelters.

I've considered working at the local SPCA, but again, time is an issue.  They require something like a minimum of 150 hours a year.  Next summer might work, to get in a lot of hours.  But once the school year starts, I work 7-3, go home, grade papers, eat dinner, shower, and go to bed.  Weekends are for grading and lesson planning.  The local shelter is also about 30 minutes away from where I live but about an hour away from where I work. 

Any interesting co-workers? (Now i know some people may say nay to hanging out with people you work with, but sometimes you can find some quality people!)

Teaching high school is as bad as being in high school.  I'm the youngest member of my department and the only unmarried member of my department.  Actually, in my hallway, I think I'm the only one who isn't married. 

One reason why my former friend BPD and I became friends is that everyone else in the department was basically paired off and we weren't.  Two of the other women are best friends.  Two of the guys are good friends.  They all either have kids or are trying to have kids.  Actually, that's basically all over the school.  Last year, just in my hallway, we had three teachers on maternity leave at the same time!  I've tried to hang out with my one co-worker, but she doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I asked her to go to lunch with me in June, and she acted like it was a chore.  Departments don't interact with each other.  The person I'm closest to is the librarian, and she's almost ready to retire. 


Also are you in any support groups? Perhaps a church?  I'm somewhat of a lapsed Catholic, but some of my closest friends are from Church.

I am agnostic, so no.  Also, I steer clear of churches.  Most of them around me are Baptist or Lutheran, and their stance on LGBT issues is just not something I can deal with.

I hate to sound so negative, but I also can't sugarcoat things.  I wish I was into raising dairy cows and hunting like everyone around me, but I'm just not. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
SummerStorm
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« Reply #38 on: August 05, 2015, 05:03:13 PM »

Happy Birthday SS  ♡♡♡

I'm sorry your ex was rude.  Those are  valid questions and you deserved an answer. *hugs*  What were you hoping would happen?

Thanks for the birthday wishes!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I suppose I could have given her an example of a question in my message to her, but she always flipped out on me for sending long messages, so I tried to keep it as short as possible.

I was hoping she would at least give me something other than "No."  That's just so flippant and cold.  Two weeks ago, I texted her to thank her for sending me a card, and she was receptive.  She replied to three of my texts, and all of her replies were positive. 

I mean, I do understand.  She knows she lied and doesn't want to face her lies.  I got a similar reaction when I tried to bring up the fact that she said such bad things about her boyfriend.  If there is anything about BPD that really just makes me incredibly angry, it is the fact that they cannot take responsibility for their actions. 

I'm sure some of this has to do with the fact that I'm a teacher.  When questioned about cheating, I'd rather have a student say, "Yes, Ms. G, I cheated on the test" than have him say, "You can't prove it."  The first response gets a short lecture and a ":)on't do that again, or I'll call your parents."  The second one gets me on the phone with the assistant principal, asking him to look at the test and give me his opinion.  If he agrees, things go downhill for the student from there.   
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
rotiroti
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« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2015, 05:08:14 PM »

I don't think you're being negative, you know what you don't like. It's difficult being far away from a city. I used to live in the midwest and know how plain life can seem.

So it sounds like school hasn't started yet? How have you been utilizing your free time these days? May be worth to make a few exceptions and drive into the city a few times while time allows. Or a change of scenery? Surely you have places you want to see, and traveling can be very satisfying. Just an idea... .it can be very cathartic... .to be reminded that life is dynamic and that joys can be found in the everyday. I remember moving to NYC for the first time and being blown away by all of it.

Music at every corner, lots of people, amazing food, etc... and most importantly to be with like-minded people
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #40 on: August 06, 2015, 07:24:32 AM »

I don't think you're being negative, you know what you don't like. It's difficult being far away from a city. I used to live in the midwest and know how plain life can seem.

So it sounds like school hasn't started yet? How have you been utilizing your free time these days? May be worth to make a few exceptions and drive into the city a few times while time allows. Or a change of scenery? Surely you have places you want to see, and traveling can be very satisfying. Just an idea... .it can be very cathartic... .to be reminded that life is dynamic and that joys can be found in the everyday. I remember moving to NYC for the first time and being blown away by all of it.

Music at every corner, lots of people, amazing food, etc... and most importantly to be with like-minded people

I'm getting ready to write a very, very big check for a down payment on a house, so traveling is unfortunately not an option right now.  I also have to buy all new furniture, kitchen gadgets, etc. because I'm moving out of my parents' house and they obviously need all their stuff.  I have to be very careful with money right now.

What's funny is that I hate cities.  I enjoy the things in a city, especially New York, but I hate the noise, the smells, the chaos.  I haven't ever really been to the cities nearest me, and I'm a bit leery of going by myself because they all have extremely high crime rates.  All cities have more crime than rural areas, generally speaking, but I always feel safe in the middle of Manhattan or Boston.  I can't say the same for the cities around me, unfortunately. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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