Feeling Terrified

[justAkid]

Hello,

I just have realized my mother has BPD. I don't know why it took so long. I have known she has Narcissistic personality disorder for a few years. And I am also a mental health professional. However, I have just began reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and have slowly been opening my eyes to this in the last two weeks. After setting a series of boundaries I think one broke the camels back for her this weekend. Several of my siblings have responded to me as well (on her side; I don't blame them - they are all in her grip.) However, today, I read an excerpt of a book about mothers who are BPD and this description of this "type" (The Queen) sent me into a panic attack with the realization that this was - is - my mother. I had to cancel my work appointments for the rest of the day. I ended up responding to my mother's text in which she attacked me by drafting 5 different emails and going to counseling myself today. I have just sent her the email and I made the biggest stand and healthiest boundaries of my 41 years. I told her if she can't treat me as an adult and with respect I will have to limit my contact with her. I am feeling a lot of fear but also amazed I did what I have only fantasized doing since I was probably 9 years old.

I have NEVER gone onto a message board in my life. I just am feeling so... .many things and overwhelmed and like no one in my life would understand unless they have lived with someone like this. I thought I would try this. Thank you for listening. I am still sick to my stomach and just waiting for her response. Or perhaps some of my many siblings or my father after she sends it to them. Sigh. I know that I cannot "break the rules" and I did. I won't let her control me anymore.

Does anyone else get this scared?

[Furandfeathers]

JustAKid,

I'm new, too. I'm terrified, too!   I have not yet had the strength or courage to directly set limits with my mother the way you have.  As I heard all my life--everything costs something (has consequences).  My question is always, "What do you want to pay?"  Because we pay either way.  I admire your ability to send the email.  It's not an unreasonable request. You have to take care of yourself!

Good luck!  I'm sending positive energy your way. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Yes... .I am also terrified of my mom... .I'm 36. My marriage has been destroyed because of her and I'm trying to work on it. There had been so much taken away from me. Look back at my posts since 2006. 67 pages... .I've gotten better, but a slight waver of her voice and I'm still terrified. I don't think anyone without a mom with BPD can understand the sheer terror she can evoke even from adult children... .

[Leaving]

Hello JustAkid,

You are not alone my dear friend. YES, I too have had periods of intense fear when stood up to my mother.  It's especially difficult the first time you exert your independence and set a boundary.  You are reacting normally and you handled this very difficult situation very well.  As you probably know, the one who bucks the system will often become the fall-guy. Be strong and know that you're not in the wrong. As awful as this experience is, try to realize that it's a sign that you are strong and wise and that this is a sign that you are breaking open and growing emotionally. You WILL survive this and come out of it stronger and wiser than ever before.

My mother was diagnosed as NPD when I was VERY young.  I didn't know this of course until I was a grown adult and my mother told me about her diagnosis with such arrogance and pride.  Ironically, it was my mother who sent my father to counseling and my father's psychiatrist realized that something wasn't making sense and began counseling my mother and hence, the diagnosis.  My mother to this day laughs about it.  She was later also diagnosed with BPD.

When I was 19 my mother told me to go to counseling.  She said I was very messed up because my father left after their divorce and basically abandoned us and that I would never be happy, successful or have a happy relationship unless I was in counseling.  She told me what to tell the counselor.   The same thing happened to me as my father.  After almost a year of counseling, my counselor suspected that something wasn't making sense and asked my mother to attend one of my sessions.  It was a horrible experience, a very enlightening experience and my counselor very specifically told me to  become as independent as possible and have little to no contact with her.  She warned me but I still couldn't fully understand how dangerous my mother was.   I couldn't grasp how MY mother was so dangerous and affecting MY life. I went NC with her when I was 29 for a few years but I didn't know why exactly and I felt like the bad person.  My brother was angry at me, mom as usual had discarded me.  I eventually reconnected and did the NC thing a few times after that ( NC being on average about 5 years). It wasn't until I married a man with NPD and BPD that I realized I had married my mother.  Like you, I  reacted normally to my mother- always intuitively knowing she was not someone I felt comfortable with-  but I simply didn't fully understand all the reasons why I had those reactions.  You wouldn't believe some of the things I have tolerated from her.  Even at the age of 37 when she physically/ sexually molested me in a woman's bathroom during a big family dinner in a restaurant, I didn't try at all to protect myself. She wanted to know if my breasts were real or not and why they were so large ( 38B).  I stood there like a helpless confused very shamed child.  Today, I wouldn't allow her to come anywhere near me but it's taken me so long get to this point.  I'm now 54.

Our relationships with our parents are so multi-dimensional and it's very difficult for us to understand the truth about them for many reasons but I believe that just being our mom or dad tends to insulate them from reasonable judgment. Children tend to love and trust their parents unconditionally I suppose which makes us completely vulnerable to them.

I'd like to recommend this book, ' The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists'.  This book has helped me more than any other resource to understand NPD and BPD and how it has affected me and it also provides very very specific support in setting boundaries- how, when and what to day and do.   I think you can listen to this book for free on youtube and I'm almost certain it will provide a lot of validation and support that you need at this time.  My heart goes out to you but know that as difficult as this is, you're making progress and becoming a healthier person   Growing pains... .uggggh

[GreenGlit]

Welcome! 

Does anyone else get this scared?   Yesyesyesyesyesyes.

I discovered my mom has BPD just a few years ago, and I too absolutely shake in my boots, still, but less so now, when I make a stand. It's absolutely terrifying.

In my case, I believe it is so terrifying largely due to the dynamics between me and my mother. To her, I am an extension of her existence. I am part of her. I.e., I am NOT my own person, entity, individual... .she has a fixed idea in her head of what I am supposed to be. And in my experience, when I try to deviate from this "ideal," it's like her world collapses. She would rage and yell and throw a fit until, out of fear of losing her love (since, while never spoken, that was what was being threatened), I would get back in line. My mother's love was demonstrated to be conditional on my blind obedience. What I wanted was wrong. What I felt was wrong. What I demanded was wrong. I was selfish, or ungrateful, or I just didn't "know" because I'm "young and inexperienced" about the world. She knew "better, because I'm your mother, and nobody in the world loves you like I do." She would instill this lingering, ever-present doubt that what I felt in my heart was not what I SHOULD want.

So... .naturally, defying her wishes was simply terrifying. It made me feel that I was turning my back on her, rejecting her "love" for me, basically telling her to stop loving me. I was also standing up for what I truly wanted - and these wishes were, over my lifetime, continuously shot down because they weren't the "right" things for me to want. It's a terrifying thing to tell the person who supposedly knows you the best, and knows best, that they have been wrong all along. Because... .what if she's right? That question still haunts me. I still have fears of failing and giving my mom proof that she was right.

Congratulations on having the strength to make a stand. It took me a long time to gather the courage. You're not alone here. So many times when I post I want to say something like "it's hard to believe... .but I swear it's true"... .but when you read stories here, I don't think anybody doubts the crazy making people describe. For me this is one of the few places where I feel like people get it.

[Leaving]

Greenglit,

"In my case, I believe it is so terrifying largely due to the dynamics between me and my mother. To her, I am an extension of her existence. I am part of her. I.e., I am NOT my own person, entity, individual... .she has a fixed idea in her head of what I am supposed to be. And in my experience, when I try to deviate from this "ideal," it's like her world collapses. She would rage and yell and throw a fit until, out of fear of losing her love (since, while never spoken, that was what was being threatened), I would get back in line. My mother's love was demonstrated to be conditional on my blind obedience. What I wanted was wrong. What I felt was wrong. What I demanded was wrong. I was selfish, or ungrateful, or I just didn't "know" because I'm "young and inexperienced" about the world. She knew "better, because I'm your mother, and nobody in the world loves you like I do." She would instill this lingering, ever-present doubt that what I felt in my heart was not what I SHOULD want. "

DITTO !  The other chronic underlying fear for me based on what you wrote is that if I made my own decisions and choices and failed, I would feel so stupid for not heeding her advice and of course she wouldn't help me since I didn't take her advice to begin with.  My fear was not based on anything logical and the terrible irony is that any advice my mother gave me would always result in suffering- sometimes devastating consequences.   It took me a long time to realize that she was always setting me up to fail so that she would always have an ally, scapegoat OR so that she would look 'better' than me. My husband has always done the same to me and it's no surprise that she has always aligned herself with him against me.   They are two NBPDs in a pod.

My mother hung on up on me two months ago when I very calmly and respectfully told her that there was never unconditional love in our family ( including her FOO).  Click, discarded me like trash once again. 

This is not the way anyone with the capacity to love ( much less, unconditionally)  would behave. 

[justAkid]

Note to self: Do not read responses on lunch break at this point in my healing/grieving. You will end up hot all over saying, "OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD. IT'S REAL. THEM TOO?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome aboard JustAkid! 

You'll find lots of understanding hearts, minds, and souls at this site. We are here to support one another, and it is like a big family of those who finally get what you've been trying to say all your life but no one could hear you. It is amazing when the  goes on, isn't it? Overwhelming, frightening, yet in its own way, exhilarating because finally things start to make sense.

I've been in T for 4 years now, and my  moment came when reading about personality disorders while in college as an adult and I came across BPD. I was afraid to think that I may be correct, and little by little I asked others who I considered safe within my family and they agreed. My uBPDm passed away a year after I began T, but the fear of her didn't go away. It is a process of change and recovery, and it comes with time. You'll get there too, but be gentle and kind to yourself. There is much to unlearn from our pwBPD.

I'm glad that you are reading the books you are. I also recommend Surviving A Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth. That was my go to book for quite a while when I started uncovering the truths about BPD. Lawson's book was such an eye opener to me. I couldn't put it down for quite a while. I began underlining important parts, then had to give up because I would've nearly underlined the entire book! Feel free to ask and post on the board as you need to because we certainly do care and want to walk along with you. You are not alone. Have you read some of the Survivor's Guide on the side ----->? That is also a great place to begin.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. 

Wools

[Klo]

I eventually realized that it was my "inner child" so to speak that was having a fear reaction. It happened in therapy that I realized that I experience a lot of anxiety from interacting with my mother, as though she had some terrible supernatural power or something, when in reality I could never pinpoint exactly why I was so afraid of her. My then-therapist helped me realize that it made sense for me to fear her when I was a child, and that my inner child was still afraid of her. I had to do a lot of connecting and relating with my childhood self and like, basically convince my own self that I am a grown woman who could actually take my mother in a physical fight, and that there is nothing to fear anymore. A big part of this was overcoming the smear campaign, helping myself realize that anyone who would blindly believe bad things about me behind my back was never going to be a true friend, anyway. There were actually several different things to cover, but it all involved a lot of inner child work.

[justAkid]

Thank you Woolspinner2000,

I think I might get Surviving A Borderline Parent Next. I am about halfway through Understanding The Borderline Mother this weekend. I stood my ground and have not responded to her all week but she finally texted me back today and now it is all "I'm sorry, I love you so much, I should not have meddled." And I feel conflicted and confused. I'm not sure how to respond. I don't know if I just say OK. Or if I say make sure I say that is fine but make sure I point out to her what she did and tell her that I won't stand for her verbal assaults anymore. This is where I am still learning how to walk this new walk and feel nervous. I don't want to over do it with her. I don't want to punish her. I want to just walk this out in a healthy way and need some guidance. That's what I'm hoping this site and the books will help with.

Thanks every one.

[Leaving]

Thank you Woolspinner2000,

I think I might get Surviving A Borderline Parent Next. I am about halfway through Understanding The Borderline Mother this weekend. I stood my ground and have not responded to her all week but she finally texted me back today and now it is all "I'm sorry, I love you so much, I should not have meddled." And I feel conflicted and confused. I'm not sure how to respond. I don't know if I just say OK. Or if I say make sure I say that is fine but make sure I point out to her what she did and tell her that I won't stand for her verbal assaults anymore. This is where I am still learning how to walk this new walk and feel nervous. I don't want to over do it with her. I don't want to punish her. I want to just walk this out in a healthy way and need some guidance. That's what I'm hoping this site and the books will help with.

Thanks every one.

From my experience, it's pointless to engage in any in depth discussion about their behavior.  It's best to keep things very simple.  They really are not on the same planet that we are.  Maybe you could just say, ' Thanks for considering my feelings... I appreciate that' and just leave it at that.  I've had to teach myself how to just be civil without offering anything more. 

[Woolspinner2000]

JustAkid,

I agree with Leaving, that it's best to keep it simple. A BPD is normally not willing to make changes, and you might as well save yourself the time and especially the emotional energy that you would expend trying to point out the problems with their behavior.

My tendency in the past (and still some now) is to always respond with, "It's okay." I'm finally seeing that this relates more to my acknowledging that what they did is okay, when the reality is that what they did was not okay with me. So I find it better to just simply say, "Thank you for the apology," or just a plain "Thank you" and literally leave it at that. This points more towards you recognizing that you are important and that you are receiving the apology rather than denying the hurt. Does that make any sense? It's hard to put into words.

There is a little mantra we often speak of here: don't JADE. You don't have to defend your boundaries (what the D stands for in JADE), they just are because you need them for you. A BPD will not respect your boundaries, so the boundaries are for the person who sets them up.

As to the confusing and conflicted feelings you are having now, that's so normal too. A BPD keeps us on our toes, and we go back and forth in confusion because suddenly it appears that they are finally seeing the light! Don't be fooled. Keep your response simple.   Keep going!

Wools