The bermuda trousers case

[sempervivum]

I don´t buy him anything, I used to, but I realized it is safer to let him do the shopping, because he always has objections to my choice. So he buys his clothes alone, which doesn´t prevent him from making bad choices.

He has a set of bermudas with funny bell-formed legs When he puts them on they appear like two little skirts dangling around his knees. In his mind it is me who is guilty for that, because I don´t put them on the hanger properly folded. Naturally, I changed the way of folding immediately, but he always put the blame on me.

So, after some hundred attempts I managed to convince him to buy the other shape of bermuda trousers. Now he has a set of normal ones, hanging properly on the hanger and yesterday when he put one of them on, he reminded me again to fold them the way he said. I took out 3-4 hangers from the closet and very calmly told him he can see the way they hang. He said nothing, his body language showed nothing too.

I wonder what happens in the head of a BP when such things happen. And am I entitled to do this? I know it´s no use JADE-ing, but when I feel capable to explain things reasonably, does it make any use? I repeat I was very calm.

This is just an example, he has many other situations he uses for serious objections.

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[waverider]

And am I entitled to do this? I know it´s no use JADE-ing, but when I feel capable to explain things reasonably, does it make any use? I repeat I was very calm.

You are entitled to do whatever you want. The key is to be able to link consequences to your own actions. If no harm comes of it then no harm doing it. If it triggers him then be aware enough that it was your actions that triggered him, so that it is your choice whether to so or not.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking suggested actions are golden rules that must be obeyed. They are just approaches that have proven to often produce best results. Everyone is an individual and there is no one fits all.

What to do or not, should be based on educated choices with an awareness of likely outcomes.

Whenever you prove him wrong it is likely to invalidate him, it may have consequences, or it may not ,your own experience will tell you whether that is an issue or not. It is the choice that is empowering and differentiates from "walking on eggshells"

Sometimes i deliberately trigger, just to remind me that when I choose not to it is MY choice, not an obligation

[Cat Familiar]

I don´t buy him anything, I used to, but I realized it is safer to let him do the shopping, because he always has objections to my choice. So he buys his clothes alone, which doesn´t prevent him from making bad choices.

My husband is so particular about his clothing and some of the things he wears look ridiculous to me. He has these striped shirts that I think of as "Charlie Brown T-shirts" because there's one big wavey stripe around the middle. He's a formerly athletic guy who has developed a pot belly, so emphasizing that area is not a good look. I say nothing, but it amuses me.

He had a pair of slip-on sandals that he liked and wore everywhere. When they started wearing out, I found a couple of pairs online, as they were discontinued in the stores. Then when those wore out, I recently bought him the new version of the sandals, which were a smooth leather and looked like an upgrade.

The problem was that the sandals 2.0 slipped off his feet sometimes when he walked. So he was always complaining about them. It was irritating--as though he blamed me.

So I suggested he look in the stores soon, because summer merchandise would be gone. He didn't, so I went online and ordered him five different pairs of sandals to try, figuring that at least one pair would work.

Instead of thanking me, it was as if I was making him do some odious task by trying on shoes. He rejected four pairs immediately and hemmed and hawed on the fifth pair. Finally I pressed him to decide so I could return the lot. He kept saying, "I'll decide soon," and then days would go by without a decision. Ultimately he didn't want to keep the last pair.

He seemed almost apologetic when he rejected the last pair. I didn't care. Actually there was $100 that I didn't need to spend.

I learned my lesson. Don't try and help a pwBPD with a personal decision. He can buy his own shoes in the future.

[sempervivum]

Waverider

You gave me a different view, thank you. The situation I described proved me right and him wrong, OK, but it was not my intention to prove anything and gloat, it was more my secret hidden hope we might stop that bermuda thing. Who knows, he might. At the same time I know something new will arise, that happened in the past.

Leaving one pattern, taking a new one.

And I like the feeling of having choice.

CatFamiliar

Your situation sounds very familiar to me and for such reasons I do not buy my H clothes. Even more, I think I should not, even if he were not a BP, a grown man has to know what he wants to wear, even if it looked ridiculous. I don´t mind him looking ridiculous. What bothers me is that I really want to buy him something from time to time as a present, spontaneously. I did that several times and he never wore the pieces. 

I had more luck with leather: he used the belts and vallets I bought him. But it was never just "thank you", he always added something they should have made better (seams or quality of leather).

[vortex of confusion]

If he doesn't like the way they are folded or hang on the hangar, then let him do it himself. Seriously. My husband likes his work clothes to be hung a certain way. After a while, I told him, "I am not going to wash your laundry any more. You need to take care of your clothes yourself." Now, he does his own laundry and hangs up his own work clothes. He knows that if his clothes are in the regular laundry baskets then they get done my way.

[sempervivum]

If he doesn't like the way they are folded or hang on the hangar, then let him do it himself. Seriously. My husband likes his work clothes to be hung a certain way. After a while, I told him, "I am not going to wash your laundry any more. You need to take care of your clothes yourself." Now, he does his own laundry and hangs up his own work clothes. He knows that if his clothes are in the regular laundry baskets then they get done my way.

I agree with you. If he repeats that once again, I will tell him so.

Why did I not tell him before? Because I know it is his game and by my showing him I DID hang them as he wanted I sent him a message he should stop nagging about something not true.

[vortex of confusion]

I agree with you. If he repeats that once again, I will tell him so.

Why did I not tell him before? Because I know it is his game and by my showing him I DID hang them as he wanted I sent him a message he should stop nagging about something not true.

You have nothing to prove.

The easiest way to deal with games like that is to NOT play. Trying to do it his way is jumping through hoops. They are his clothes, his responsibility.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 Sempervivur, thanks for the chuckle. I really loved your description of the shorts "appearing like two little skirts dangling around his knees"

My s/o asked me to please not buy him anymore clothes.  He doesn't like my taste.  Although when he buys clothes for me, it hurts his feelings if I don't like them.  Luckily, I am not too picky and usually like what he buys.

So, I agree with VOC, his clothes, his responsibility.  Now that is freeing.  Not to be running back to the store trying to exchange the first thing for another thing he doesn't like.

My observation is that most pwBPD do not like surprises.  I know my husband does not.

[Daniell85]

I laughed about the 2 little skirt thing, too and mentally added a Hawaiian shirt and a burmuda hat.

Aside from that I agree with the other posters.

[sempervivum]

Thank you all. I clearly see your point, I only have to find a way to let things off, to relax and stop caring. Precisely, I have to make it my constant, not only temporary singled successes.

What a job to do!