Only Child with BPD Mother and my dad just died

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been a long time since I've been here but I really need some support.  My dad who I adored and had an amazing relationship with passed away Juy 25.  He had been battling esophageal cancer for the past 18 months but has also had Parkinson's Disease for the past 8 years.  Needless to say, it's been a terrible 8 years and most especially in the past year and a half.  I am an only child, married with two young children of my own.  Having no siblings makes this nightmare even worse.  Not only am I grieving the loss of my beloved dad but I am beyond angry with my BPD b___ of a mother who not surprisingly, made his final days (and the 40 years prior to that that they were married) about her.  I could write a book about everything she has done but here are a few highlights... .  She raged one evening about a week before he died.  My aunt and a nurse were there at the house with them and my mom flew into hysterics and was screaming about wanting to kill herself.  My dad was in the living room in a chair and my aunt and the nurse went back to the bedroom to try to calm her down.  My poor DYING dad couldn't even stand on his own so he slid to the ground out of the chair and started CRAWLING back to try to console HER.  The nurse and my aunt finally saw what he was doing and helped him up.  He then sat back in their bedroom for 2 hours while she continued to scream and cry and carry on about how upsetting him dying was for her.  If that scene doesn't describe a classic BPD, I don't know what does.  So, there was that but there was also her general everyday behavior and attitude - stomping around their condo, freaking out about every little thing as far as his meds and other caretaker responsibilities were concerned, lashing out at everone around her including me, her only child.  I was there, despite having my own young kids, every single day in the last 6 weeks of his life.  We live four hours away and I made every accomodation possible to make sure my kids were taken care of so I could be with my dad and be a help to her.  Instead of being grateful for that, she constantly threw ___ in my face about how much worse his death was for her than for me.  She would say things like, "At least your husband isn't dying."  I understand that losing a spouse is different than a parent, however I needed a mother to comfort me on some level and she can't provide that.  She made a huge deal out of the fact that she perceived that in his final days, my dad seemingly wanted to spend more time with me and my aunt (his sister) than her.  Well, no ___ing kidding.  She was making his days a nightmare and while my aunt and I were devastated, we had the ability to control ourselves and maintain a calm environment for HIS sake.  The other thing that pissed me off so badly was that every single person who came over, be it a friend, family member or nurse, she had to go on and on right in front of him about how hard the last 8 years have been on HER.  She made him feel like a burden in his dying days and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for that.  The last interaction I had with him before he became unconscious was her telling some nurse about the whole saga and in that moment it was like I had some level of clarity that while I can't stop her behavior or change her (as we all know, if I had said something to her she would have lashed out at me and justified her actions and that only would have made more of a scene which my poor dad did not need) and I put my arms around my dad from behind - he was sitting in a recliner - and got in his ear and said, "YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.  I would take care of you for 10 more years if I had to.  Mom can't control herself.  She's sick and you know that.  Her behavior isn't about you.  I love you."  His response and the last thing he ever said to me was, "I'm so proud of you."  I think the most irritating part of my life moving forward is I have to keep putting up this charade because I know if I call her on her bull___ it will just make my life worse.  Now she's the poor widow that everyone is taking pity on and I'm just seething inside looking at her.  She took him for granted and ABUSED him emotionally for 40 ___ing years and now it's, "poor me."  I HATE HER.  The aftermath of his death also adds the issue of the fact that she hasn't lifted a finger or paid any attention to their finances in their marriage so now she's at a loss for how to manage all that.  Fortunately, they are well off but that doesn't really seem to matter to her.  She freaks the ___ out about every bill that comes in the mail and calls me and demands that I help her fix it.  I live 4 hours away.  I can't help her with ever piece of mail that she encounters.  Ugh.  I just needed to get this off my chest in a place where I know other people know what it is like to deal with this kind of crap.  And I know I can just cut her off but it isn't that simple.  I promised my dad I wouldn't do that and I do genuinely feel sorry for her.  I don't know if I could live with myself if I cut her out.  I am just at a loss though of how not to let her behavior bother me so much.  I've been in therapy for years and that has helped some but it is still such a daily thorn in my side.  Thank you for listening.

[keldubs78]

It's been a long time since I've been here but I really need some support.  My dad who I adored and had an amazing relationship with passed away Juy 25.  He had been battling esophageal cancer for the past 18 months but has also had Parkinson's Disease for the past 8 years.  Needless to say, it's been a terrible 8 years and most especially in the past year and a half.  I am an only child, married with two young children of my own.  Having no siblings makes this nightmare even worse.  Not only am I grieving the loss of my beloved dad but I am beyond angry with my BPD b___ of a mother who not surprisingly, made his final days (and the 40 years prior to that that they were married) about her.  I could write a book about everything she has done but here are a few highlights... .  She raged one evening about a week before he died.  My aunt and a nurse were there at the house with them and my mom flew into hysterics and was screaming about wanting to kill herself.  My dad was in the living room in a chair and my aunt and the nurse went back to the bedroom to try to calm her down.  My poor DYING dad couldn't even stand on his own so he slid to the ground out of the chair and started CRAWLING back to try to console HER.  The nurse and my aunt finally saw what he was doing and helped him up.  He then sat back in their bedroom for 2 hours while she continued to scream and cry and carry on about how upsetting him dying was for her.  If that scene doesn't describe a classic BPD, I don't know what does.  So, there was that but there was also her general everyday behavior and attitude - stomping around their condo, freaking out about every little thing as far as his meds and other caretaker responsibilities were concerned, lashing out at everone around her including me, her only child.  I was there, despite having my own young kids, every single day in the last 6 weeks of his life.  We live four hours away and I made every accomodation possible to make sure my kids were taken care of so I could be with my dad and be a help to her.  Instead of being grateful for that, she constantly threw ___ in my face about how much worse his death was for her than for me.  She would say things like, "At least your husband isn't dying."  I understand that losing a spouse is different than a parent, however I needed a mother to comfort me on some level and she can't provide that.  She made a huge deal out of the fact that she perceived that in his final days, my dad seemingly wanted to spend more time with me and my aunt (his sister) than her.  Well, no ___ing kidding.  She was making his days a nightmare and while my aunt and I were devastated, we had the ability to control ourselves and maintain a calm environment for HIS sake.  The other thing that pissed me off so badly was that every single person who came over, be it a friend, family member or nurse, she had to go on and on right in front of him about how hard the last 8 years have been on HER.  She made him feel like a burden in his dying days and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for that.  The last interaction I had with him before he became unconscious was her telling some nurse about the whole saga and in that moment it was like I had some level of clarity that while I can't stop her behavior or change her (as we all know, if I had said something to her she would have lashed out at me and justified her actions and that only would have made more of a scene which my poor dad did not need) and I put my arms around my dad from behind - he was sitting in a recliner - and got in his ear and said, "YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.  I would take care of you for 10 more years if I had to.  Mom can't control herself.  She's sick and you know that.  Her behavior isn't about you.  I love you."  His response and the last thing he ever said to me was, "I'm so proud of you."  I think the most irritating part of my life moving forward is I have to keep putting up this charade because I know if I call her on her bull___ it will just make my life worse.  Now she's the poor widow that everyone is taking pity on and I'm just seething inside looking at her.  She took him for granted and ABUSED him emotionally for 40 ___ing years and now it's, "poor me."  I HATE HER.  The aftermath of his death also adds the issue of the fact that she hasn't lifted a finger or paid any attention to their finances in their marriage so now she's at a loss for how to manage all that.  Fortunately, they are well off but that doesn't really seem to matter to her.  She freaks the ___ out about every bill that comes in the mail and calls me and demands that I help her fix it.  I live 4 hours away.  I can't help her with ever piece of mail that she encounters.  Ugh.  I just needed to get this off my chest in a place where I know other people know what it is like to deal with this kind of crap.  And I know I can just cut her off but it isn't that simple.  I promised my dad I wouldn't do that and I do genuinely feel sorry for her.  I don't know if I could live with myself if I cut her out.  I am just at a loss though of how not to let her behavior bother me so much.  I've been in therapy for years and that has helped some but it is still such a daily thorn in my side.  Thank you for listening.

[Klo]

I understand your rage. I tend to take the way my mother treats me sometimes in stride, roll it off the shoulders. But when she targets my brother, someone I love dearly, I find myself seething and having some pretty terrible thoughts on occasion. But you did wonderfully with and for your father, and it sounds like it gave him some serious peace in his final hours to hear your words and know that you have not succumbed to the dysfunction, that you are wise and strong enough to see it for what it is and remain graceful. I am sure he truly was extremely proud of you. I am sorry for your loss, but you handled it perfectly.

[keldubs78]

Thank you so much, Klo.  Your response really made me feel good.  And what you said about your mom and your brother, I completely identify with.  I can handle it for the most part but seeing her torment him was just unbearable.  I've been fighting her for years on his behalf and now I feel like I can let some of that go since he's gone.  I still have a lot of work in how I deal with it myself but it is better knowing she can no longer hurt him.  I think part of my anger is that while it will never be proven, and it's not exactly an easy accusation to make, I feel that his life was cut short in part due to her behavior.  She ate away at him their whole marriage.  All he ever wanted was peace and she has no ability to be at peace with ANYTHING.  I mean, granted when your spouse is dying, you are going to be under a lot of stress and it isn't like I expected her to walk around skipping and happy but seeing her in his final days and just knowing that she behaved that way on some level even in the most insignificant situations really upsets me.  I believe there is a connection between mind and body and when your living in a war zone (which is kind of what living with a BPDer is like), your body is going to eventually become sick from all the stress.  I will go to my own grave believing that is partially why he didn't live longer.

[PrettyPlease]

I am sure he truly was extremely proud of you. I am sorry for your loss, but you handled it perfectly.

+1   

[PrettyPlease]

I know I can just cut her off but it isn't that simple.  I promised my dad I wouldn't do that and I do genuinely feel sorry for her.  I don't know if I could live with myself if I cut her out.  I am just at a loss though of how not to let her behavior bother me so much.  I've been in therapy for years and that has helped some but it is still such a daily thorn in my side.  Thank you for listening.

An amazing story; I agree about that rage incident before his death being a classic BPD scene.

But about not being able to go NC — I think you'll find that almost all nons eventually come to a place where they "genuinely feel sorry" as you put it, for the BPD. But this isn't a reason not to detach if you need to for your own well-being. Remember, as I expect you have encountered in the past (multiple times), the BPD has triggers around you, and you not being there to trigger them is just as much a cooling of the problem as them not being there to trigger you. In other words, you "feeling sorry" likely isn't directly connected to her well-being or yours (unfortunately).

The other reason you give for continuing to be jerked around (forgive me, but you don't mince your words, either, do you?  ) is that you promised your dad you wouldn't cut her off. That's a hard one for sure. But again, I think if you consider it deeply, you might be able to let it go -- again, it might be best for all concerned.

This is hard to say, but remember that your dad stayed as a non with a BPD for forty years. He did his best. And what did he achieve? She was awful at the end. Awful. She had full-blown BPD symptoms, lashing out, ignoring his needs. That was his choice to make. He made it. And you get to make your own choice, just like he made his. And it doesn't have to be the same as his. That's what makes it a choice.

I think again of the key point made by Lawson in "Understanding the Borderline Mother":

“The Queen's children must allow her the right to self-destruct while exerting their right to protect themselves.”

She has that right. But she doesn't have the right to destroy you as well. It's like trying to rescue a drowning person... .who won't come out of the water. Finally you have to let them go down. There's no use going down with them, which just destroys two people instead of one.

[keldubs78]

PrettyPlease,

Thank you for your response and everything you said is spot on.  I have said many times to my husband and close friends that I have to figure out a way to live with her and not let it affect me so severely or I have to cut her off.  I feel like I am going to get some physical ailment with the amount of stress I have with her in my life.  I just need more time to sort it out.  The other factor that makes me feel a little guilty is that part of me wants my inheritance which is decent.  Not for me but for my kids.  I know money doesn't mean everything and if it really came to it, I would forfeit it for my mental and physical well-being but my dad worked really hard for 40 years and he would want the money to go to me and my kids too.  And I hate to say it like this but I have EARNED my inheritance.  I have put up with more than any child should have to and if the silver lining in that can be that we never have to worry about money again, that's a tempting thought.  You are also absolutely right about my dad choosing to stay.  It was his choice.  And not that he needed my permission but about 7 years ago, thinking he was staying becuse I would be upset if they divorced, I had a conversation with him telling him I thought he SHOULD leave for his own well-being.  A few years later he came close and they separated but like any truly abused spouse, he got sucked back in.  And I apologize for my language in my initial post.  I'm not typically that crass but in telling that story of her raging that last week, it's hard for me not to unleash my anger in that way.

[keldubs78]

And I do realize in terms of the inheritance thing that she could live for 30 more years (she's only 64) so that does factor into my decision of whether to cut her off or not.  I mean, I can't and won't live like this for 30 years.  It is just going to take me time to figure out what the answer is.