Stood up to my abusive mother for the first time and now what?

[justAkid]

Hello,

My mother is an undiagnosed BPD and NPD. (She has been undiagnosed as far as I know) She has been to counseling a couple of times for depression but leaves quickly and takes antidepressants. She will admit to that. I am a mental health professional and have only recently had the veil lifted so to speak and been able to see her BPD. I feel deeply embarrassed about this for some reason and some degree of humiliation for not being able to see it before now.  My mother is in her early 60's and married to my father who is her slave. He is a beaten down man who has a "private" gambling problem that has gone on since I was very young. I have only found out about it in the last few months. All these lightbulbs have gone off for me. It has been very overwhelming to find that out about my father and then realize this about my mother in the last few months along with some major life changes of my own. ("Oh that's where the family car went! Oh, that's why this happened, etc.)

I am the oldest of many siblings and have acted as the mother to them in many situations. Some of them are on the same page as me in terms of seeing my mother as unhealthy or "crazy." But none of them have the language I have for her. I have not told any of them about my realization that she is BPD. I have told two that I suspect she is NPD and I use the term loosely as she is undiagnosed. They agree with me. But there is very much a "cult" mentality or "tribal" mentality with my family about mother. She is at the center and if she is not happy nobody is. And it is a sin to speak about her. Not everyone is on the same page. There is also always this fear that one sibling will tell another what you said about mom and it will get back to her and drama will ensue. I feel panic every time I see the phone ring and it is her or my dad (because he does her bidding).

I have been increasing my boundaries with her lately as my life has changed so much lately and I have gotten healthier emotionally and also my life simply demanded it. I previously have been in a lot of counseling and done a lot of work on my childhood and trauma. It was extensive. My mother's mother was also likely BPD. She is still a very active part of our family drama. But I recently went back into counseling last month and have needed to discuss the attempts I'm making at boundaries with my mother and awful anxiety I'm in. It has been causing panic attacks. I have been dealing with a lot of anger about this. I feel constant anxiety, panic or anger that I feel this way. This week, my mother finally went off on me for not doing things the way she wanted and meeting her expectations. And I drew a line in the sand. I took a stand and told her by writing her an email and told her I would not take her criticisms and attacking my character anymore. I want a good relationship with her but if she can not treat me like an adult and respectfully then I will have to limit my contact with her. She wrote back a very short response and did it again. She minimized, criticized and mocked me. I have not responded.

I feel sad, fear, worry about what my siblings will think, what is her smear campaign going to be like? How will this affect my relationship with them? What will the future hold? Will she hold out? What do I do next? I want to have her in my life, but not let her treat me like she has all my life and not let her abuse me anymore. Never again.

I've never been on a message board before. I posted earlier this week when I was terrified. I read that I was supposed to write an introduction and explain my situation briefly. This is about as brief as I can make it. Thank you for being here. This has been so, so helpful. I've been so thankful.

[Harri]

Hi JustAkid and welcome!  Dealing with a disordered parent is difficult enough (and you have 2!) but all of the siblings on top of it?  It is a lot.  Stories like your make me very glad I have only one older brother. 

Not responding to her reply to your email is good.  You said what you wanted to say (well done BTW) and told her how you would like to be talked to.  She chose not to listen and mocked you  ( :'( ).  IMO, no reply is necessary at this point.  You have communicated what you would like, but she gets to choose how she will act.  She is now aware of where you draw your line.  The next part is to decide how you want to respond when she continues to ignore your request (and expect that she will).  This is where boundaries will come in--->  what are you going to do or change about *your* behavior the next time she does this?  Walk out?  Remind her and stand firm? 

But I recently went back into counseling last month and have needed to discuss the attempts I'm making at boundaries with my mother and awful anxiety I'm in. It has been causing panic attacks. I have been dealing with a lot of anger about this. I feel constant anxiety, panic or anger that I feel this way.

Though unpleasant, I think your feelings are to be expected and normal in this situation.  You are changing things and challenging the status quo.  You learned new things about your parents and are starting to piece things together.  It makes sense to feel the way you do... .more importantly, you will feel better in time.  Keep working on you and when you speak up for yourself more and more you will build confidence and be able to channel the anger, anxiety and fear.  Practice!  Plan out what you will do in various scenarios with your mother, g-ma, siblings.  Practice saying things out loud.  The anxiety and panic will lessen in time and with practice. 

One of the most difficult things to deal with in these situations is the fallout that often happens with other family members and friends.  As you said, not everyone is on the same page.  I still have not really discussed that I think our mother had BPD with my brother and I first learned about it approximately 10 or 11 years ago.  You will have to do some of the same things with your siblings as you are doing with your mother.  You do not need to say anything directly to them, but you will have to allow them to choose how they will respond to you changing your role and standing up for yourself.  Again, it will take time but keep at it.  Smear campaigns hurt but you can not control what your mother chooses to do.  I hope you siblings do not get involved and take sides, but there is no way to know for sure what they will do. 

It is always difficult when one person in the family changes and the others stay in the same functions in the same old system.  Your removing yourself upsets everything and you will see the others scrambling as they try to get the system back to normal.  Expect it and stand firm to your boundaries.  Stay out of the old system and let them figure out their own place.  The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and be there for them if and when they decide to follow in your footsteps. 

I just re-read my last two paragraphs and they are all gloom and doom aren't they?  It is hard to talk about this stuff and not get serious because this is serious business.  This is you and your life and your own emotional health that you are taking care of.  You will be okay.  You will get through this.  Keep going for counseling and please keep posting here.  We can all relate.