"You don't do anything right"

[Ceruleanblue]

"If you have to ask, then YES, you don't do anything right!" This was said as he slammed his phone down as hard on the nightstand as he could.

I ended up going to the spare bedroom where I'm sure he could hear me cry, but I'm pretty sure that was his end goal. He seriously seems to get off on hurting me. I was both hurt, and angry. How dare he say such hateful things to me?

He never seems to have true remorse for the hateful things he says or does either. He seems to lack conscience. I've calmed down now, after having went for a drive. Sometimes I just have to get away from him, and his craziness.

The BLAME coming from him, and the accusations just weigh me down. He called his daughter today, and she's now saying she can't do dinner like she agreed to because her baby is due in a few weeks. I guess a baby being due means you don't eat dinner? Trust me, this girl eats lots of dinner. Snarky, but true. I was justifiably hurt by her refusal to do the dinner together she promised to do, because I was so hoping this was a step toward healing the rift. I'm over it all, but she's obviously not, even though I did nothing, and she acted like a raving lunatic.

BPDh made a ton of excuses for her, ignored my questions about "why", and basically was rude and mean to me later when I expressed how hurt I was by her doing this. He blamed ME for "making a big deal of it". MY feelings are always discounted, told they are stupid, or told my feelings are wrong. How can my feelings be wrong? So much for him learning validation in DBT!

I may not agree with him, but I can validate some emotion behind what he feels. I can empathize, if not agree. I'm so sick, sick, sick of giving, but getting zero back. I can't even feel badly, without him blaming ME.

He brought this hot mess into my life, he did nothing to stop it, and he now is doing nothing to make ME feel better about it.

His attitude is that I should never feel badly about anything. He gets to blow up, have rages, act sarcastic, say abusive things, slam things, take off without telling me, lie to me... .but I'm not allowed normal human emotions. How's that for fair?

This is one of those nights that I wonder if coming back into this was bad for me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm going to try my hardest to forget today. I actually deleted my number off his phone, because I'm sick of waiting for him to answer texts, and he only calls when he wants or needs something. Gone are the days of sweet texts and niceties. I'm painted black at the moment.

He called my deleting my number "childish"(something he's promised not to say anymore), but I did it so I wouldn't feel badly tomorrow. He doesn't know my cell number by heart, and I don't want to sit and wait for the phone to ring. He uses withdrawal to hurt me.

We are married, and of course I'll give him my number eventually, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the peace. He uses the phone to hurt me. I hate his phone, and I hate his computer. He gets frantic if he can't find his phone, and he gets zoned out on his computer. He won't even look up if I'm trying to talk to him. I deserve more than having to compete with an inanimate object!

Any advice on how to recover from a really stressful, terrible day? I feel battered after some of the things he said to me.

[married21years]

over generalization and catrophasising

lets play disorder bingo.

spot the bad behavior and then we can all deal with it

no seriously this is what he is doing to justify his emotions.

   

[byfaith]

 

Any advice on how to recover from a really stressful, terrible day? I feel battered after some of the things he said to me.

This is what I do to recover or try to get my thoughts in order. I do things I enjoy and I try to remove my wife from my thoughts while I am doing it. I live where I can go hiking by myself or with a friend. I can go and drive around an enjoy the views and think of things that make me happy. At least I can escape for a little while.

I have been in your position many times. That is what I do  

It's difficult being hurt and they don't give a crap

[Daniell85]

I saw a table somewhere that showed BPD/ co morbid with other personality disorders. For men there was a high rate ( like 40-50%) of NPD co morbid with BPD. I read a lot about NPD, as I was trying to figure out what the problem is with my boyfriend. Additionally, NPD and ASPD ( anti social personality disorder, commonly called psychopathology these days ) are frequently co morbid with each other.

The point I am trying to make is your husband seems to be more than just BPD to me. I am obviously not an expert.

My boyfriend will often, stunningly, make the same sort of comments. Immensely cruel to me. He has behaved horribly at times, then comes up with some little sparkling gem of a comment that puts all the blame on me, and once he decides I am to blame, then he punishes me ( retaliates) for the perceived "attack" from me.

How do I deal with it? I used to simply be shocked and back off. Then I tried to reason with him. Then I tried to endure it. Ignore it, not show a response. After that I tried to politely tell him that I don't like things like that said to me, and then I would excuse myself for a day or so. After that... .I began to have massive panic attacks and of course it was me who ruined the whole relationship. Because its MUCH more terrible to be told you are a jerk than it is to find out your partner has been cheating on you for 6 months.

Of course it is.

At this point I am learning to detach. I feel numb, loss of hope. Maybe it's a process. All is quiet for now.

I am not sure what you can do. You appear to be getting drawn into a tit for tat situation.

I would personally give up on trying to have any effect on his daughters or anything to do with them. If the daughters actually follow through on things, wonderful. If they boo hoo and wander off and fuss, so what? That is on them. You seem like a person with a lot of hope and care in some situations where you keep getting burned. Then you feel sad and mad and try to get some validation, which your husband withholds.

Are there things you can think of that will help you detach from his kids?

Maybe it's better to think of ways to avoid these situations before they hit you in the face, so your own expectations include the understanding that if something can go wrong, those people will find that thing and make it happen.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, it sounds frustrating and hurtful from every direction. 

[Ceruleanblue]

I've been burned by his three adult girls so often, that there have been times I have said "I'm done", but then that just makes BPDh worse, much worse. Then I become his sole target to blame, or when my son was still in the house, it was him too. BPDh's son and I get along fine, although I highly suspect he is PD in some form too. At least he's not mean.

I'd love if we could all just get along, and even BPDh's therapist he's had for four years told him she knows I wouldn't even be trying with these girls if it wasn't that I love BPDh. She's got that right! Plus, this T saw this girl in action, and it was ugly in that session. She even told BPDh that his daughter had acted awful to me. Oh, and we were supposed to have a session where BPDh and I actually got to respond to his hateful daughter, but of course she backed out after having go at me.

I just feel that every time I stop kissing his girl's butts, he then targets ME. Heck, he targets me anyway, but it gets seriously worse, and it's like he starts buying into all the crap they've said about me. All lies, of course.

He's back to not wanting me to have any feelings, or telling me my feelings are wrong.

I agree that he does seem more than just BPD. Oh, and he keeps telling me he was not diagnosed. Well, I think his psychiatrist is one of those who didn't officially diagnose for fear of BPDh stopping treatment, or reacting badly. I've read that on here before. When I had BPDh ask(if he really did, could be he's lying), he says his psychiatrist told him he has "traits of BPD", and now BPDh's story has changed to "only a couple traits". Trust me, he has all traits save one(suicidal ideation).

I also know he is highly, highly narcissistic. In the past, I've thought he displays a lot of traits of APD, and it was even suggested to me by a T I saw, that he sounds APD. That sort of knocked my legs out from under me. At that time, I'd sort of not been wanting to admit it could be worse than BPD, but APD definitely is.

I just know he's slipping back into old patterns no matter that I'm doing the same things that worked while he was "better". Oh, and I haven't had any recent slip ups in MY temper recently either. I've just walked away.

This issue with his kids is just one part of the equation, but it's the part we are both hurt by the most, but only HE is allowed to by hurt(not that he admits it hurts him), and he has NO empathy or understanding of why this hurts me. I'm expending effort with people I LOATHE, but I treat them with respect and kindness, and they won't even deign to be around me? I'd like to tell them all to kiss my butt!

[Ceruleanblue]

Disorder Bingo. I LOVE that. It puts a humorous slant on something that in the moment is anything but funny. Next time he's dysregulated, or being verbally abusive, I'm going to keep running that through my head: ":)isorder Bingo".

It's sort of like Hot Potato too, in that he wants to shift the blame potato onto me

[sempervivum]

I know such insults and sentences.

Yes, getting stronger is a process. I feel stronger than 5 years ago, but not strong enough.

I don´t cry any more. Cerulean, if it is useful: think about yourself, your reactions, your self worth, do anything that can make you feel better.

Its all about learning.

Disorder Bingo and finding some humour is good.

In the past I did something with my cell phone, too. I put a Darth Vader tone for his number. It was childish I know, but it cheered me for several days.

[formflier]

I was justifiably hurt

 

So... ."counting" on something they have promised (they being people with a PD) is ... or isn't working out for you? 

This is something that I am coming to grips with around my wife and kids... .and having "deals" come true.

It's a long process to think differently about this... .keep working at it.

Also... .my other comment from this post is to avoid DRAMA.

Him slamming a phone and saying things is DRAMA... .your retaliation and deleting your phone number and his reaction to that is more DRAMA.

If you want to engage in that... .then fine... .do it... .

If you find that kind of behavior to be something you don't want to do... .then skip it.

One person justifying their behavior based on another behavior is generally not a good plan.

If the "other" person displays traits of a PD... .it's even worse of a plan...

Hang in there... .it's a new day! 

Focus on your side of the street!

FF

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Ceruleanblue, I can feel your hurt.  So sorry that anyone has to go through this.  Obviously, a lot of us here are experiencing or have experienced the same type of verbal abuse/gas lighting, game playing, etc. 

For example, I play the piano and love music.  When I can play for 30 minutes or an hour, I walk away feeling balanced and as if all is well with the world.  However we have a very open house and my piano playing interrupts his constant tv viewing.  I rarely play when he is in the house, which lately is all the time.    This morning I said I am going to play a few songs.  He said ok, but I could just feel the tension in the house and I quit, but by that time he was just having a melt down and slammed out of the house.  Before I started practicing the lessons, I would have been distraught, but I thought, " okay, good now I can really play and enjoy it" and I did!

Then I went outside and cleaned the siding on the patio.  It looks so nice and sparkling clean now.   Well he came outside and said why didn't you use bleach on the gutters?  He ended up cussing at me and runnig off to take a nap. 

I just refuse to let him steal my joy today.  Now I am going to take a swim in the pool and then go shopping with my daughter.  I am not going to stand around wringing my hands because he is having a mood swing as I would have in the past.

I have stopped hoping that he would dependably respond to me in a "normal" way.  So now I am not surprised or shocked when he behaves this way.  It is hard and sad to give up on having your emotional needs met by a partner with BPD, but it has helped me move out of denial and into acceptance.

At this point, since I have accepted the fact that his moods are changeable and not dependable, I am able to enjoy my life more.

Sempervivum, I don't know if I will ever be strong enough not to be hurt by this rage and anger, but at least I am not surprised or unaware of the source.

I will not accept this bad behavior (not to say it doesn't hurt) but I refuse to allow it to dictate my choices.

Hugs to you Cerulean!  Hope your days become more peaceful.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I really didn't delete my number to create more drama, although it might look that way. I just feel better with him not having it for now. It's been days now, and he still doesn't have it. I actually feel quite liberated knowing he can't call, or I don't have to await some text from him where he wants something.

I know it can't last forever, but for now, it's a nice little break I needed. If I'd have deleted my number off his phone without him knowing, he'd have been super mad, and I'm just more honest than that. He's always sort of made me feel bad for asking for him to send a text so I know he made it to work(he used to have a long commute, he has road rage, and now he rides a motorcycle), so now it's a break for him too

And yes, I've come to learn, but have yet to totally accept that his promises don't mean much. Agreements don't mean much. It's just hard coming to terms with that, because in lots of ways he's pretty dependable. I just have to remember that there is a long history of him not keeping agreements, and broken promises about his verbally abusive behaviors.

I guess I should just never believe him in the first place, or believe he means it when he says it, but lacks the ability to follow through due to impulse control, or just doing what feels good to him to release his anger?

[formflier]

 

How do you expect him to interpret the deletion of the number?

How do you think he will actually interpret it?


FF

[Ceruleanblue]

In this case I'm not sure how he'll interpret it, but I've heard so much complaining and telling me my texting him is "getting old", that I'm still glad I did it. I also got sick of him ignoring my texts, but expecting me to answer his immediately. There are just so many double standards.

Somehow, he got my number, I'm still not sure how. After he ignored me via cell for an entire day, and the cell phone has been an issue for him for years(he gets angry over my efforts to communicate), I'd just like to remove that from our equation. I wish I could, but I know he'll eventually get angry over it.

I feel he wants me "one call". He's not very accessible, but he sure wants me to be.

And I can usually expect him to interpret anything and everything to do with me in a very negative light. He always seems to feel I've got bad motives. I do something nice for him or his mean daughters, he tilts it to be the exact opposite. Yet with them, they do mean, hateful things, and he makes excuses for them. I do not get his reasoning AT ALL, but I am quite good anymore at predicting it.

He seemed to resent my efforts to communicate, so I remove it from the equation, then he resents that. I'm not going to worry about him being mad. He's always mad about something.

[married21years]

In this case I'm not sure how he'll interpret it, but I've heard so much complaining and telling me my texting him is "getting old", that I'm still glad I did it. I also got sick of him ignoring my texts, but expecting me to answer his immediately. There are just so many double standards.

Somehow, he got my number, I'm still not sure how. After he ignored me via cell for an entire day, and the cell phone has been an issue for him for years(he gets angry over my efforts to communicate), I'd just like to remove that from our equation. I wish I could, but I know he'll eventually get angry over it.

I feel he wants me "one call". He's not very accessible, but he sure wants me to be.

And I can usually expect him to interpret anything and everything to do with me in a very negative light. He always seems to feel I've got bad motives. I do something nice for him or his mean daughters, he tilts it to be the exact opposite. Yet with them, they do mean, hateful things, and he makes excuses for them. I do not get his reasoning AT ALL, but I am quite good anymore at predicting it.

He seemed to resent my efforts to communicate, so I remove it from the equation, then he resents that. I'm not going to worry about him being mad. He's always mad about something.

well put welcome to my world 

[Thread]

what you have written resonated so much to me the beginnings of my relationship with My BPD h before I knew he was BPD and diagnosed with it.

I'm so sorry you are on this roller coaster.

The ways I manage the pain and the ups and downs. Maybe not the worst ways, but I find some sort of solace in them:

Netflix marathons - happy shows

Therapy

Going out with good friends - he has been less jealous about it, but it's still hard

Making sure not to rely on my mother or sister - they tend to invalidate me as much as HBPD

Artwork

I find I read info on BPD or get on this site which actually lakes me feel worse I lose hope

I enjoy shopping, but not buying don't want to make that some immediate stimuli

So shopping to be inspired by designs or colors looking at things and thinking about those things and not my personal life

Sleeping it off - again probably more depressive than healthy

Walking around a bookstore and looking at interesting new books

Listening to online podcasts, church sermons, TEDtalks

Working - I'm a workaholic and get lost in what I do in a good way

Or just venting to a good friend who knows what I am going through and has said they're okay with me venting about it as much as possible. (I'm lucky to have a friend who's mother is BPD - low functioning)

Cuddling brushing my cat, she makes me calm

[formflier]

 

CB,

Answer the phone on your timetable... .when you are strong and ready to talk to him. 

The key is to figure out how you want that to be... .and be consistent

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I responded to one text of his, but I have to admit, I wish he didn't have my number. Communication with him just feels so risky right now. When we have to talk, I'm going to keep it superficial, validate if I need to, and be prepared to walk away if I have to.

I'm trying to be consistent, but he likely would not notice. He seems to be in painting me and all my motives black right now. He has DBT tonight, followed by MC. I think I'm going to take your suggesting and ask if we can move days, so there is more time to process, and for him to calm down some after DBT... .

[sempervivum]

Just a thought: Of course insults leave you hurt, but I have noticed improvement in myself. In previous years I used to be hurt and I almost nurtured that feeling, despairing over myself for days.

Now I still get hurt and feel miserable but my immunity is simply better. Last week my husband had one of his usual dramas and caused misery in the house, but we (me and the children) got used to move the focus from him more quickly.

It is something we must be prepared to but not let too much of our energy be wasted on unproductive things.

This is probably something abnormal and unacceptable for families without BP, but it makes us search and value other things in life. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Me too! Prior to our separation, when BPDh said or did something really hurtful, I'd feel bad for days. When I contemplated coming back, I really had to ask myself if I'd gotten over that. I felt sort of numb to him in some ways, and I found that when he started to say a few crappy things, I bounced back much sooner, and really did what my Mom had always told me, which was to "consider the source". I'll feel bad for a little bit, because I don't want to stuff my feelings either, but then I remind myself to "consider the source", and I move on with my day, or come get advice here.

And I'm trying to be done letting him suck so much of my mental energy away. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my son, and I'm really looking forward to it.

[sempervivum]

My husband has his pattern, as so many BPs have, and when he does things that hurt me   the next day he behaves as if nothing happened. And then come his phases when he is a husband from heaven.

Seeing that I made a conclusion: if he has the nerve to behave like that, that entitles me to introduce my new patterns without any explanation - the same way he does. This happened for the first time 5-6 years ago. Of course I was a little bit disturbed how would he react: he was obviously not pleased, but I liked the lack of his commentary.

[ptilda]

Be thankful that you found this community and learned about BPD BEFORE he went to extremes. I was not so quick. You're describing my husband. I've had to realize that while he is responsible for his actions and words, he is not yet in control of his actions or words. This means you are able to walk away knowing that what he's telling you is most likely what he feels about himself. If anything, you can feel pitty for him.

So my situation got to the point that hubby moved out to an undisclosed location leaving me with all the expenses and bills from when I was footing the bill for both. He went on a huge campaign to discredit me, bringing nonsense recordings to friends, family, pastors, business partners... .then got irate because I showed his cousin a picture of the bruises he gave me. He filed for divorce after telling everyone I kept him locked in the house and ordered him to do whatever I wanted and when he refused, if punch him. He even called the police in a totally calm time and insisted I was "getting ready to start beating him." They called the county mental health who did nothing but say, "he says you're beating him, so we can't do anything because it looks like you're the one with the problem," despite me offering loads of evidence.

Now after time apart and him being a complete D$#@, he gets a collection call from the credit card I put him on to build his credit when my credit was perfect a few months ago. Finds out I'm broke and offers me money and agrees to help with the study he originally insisted on helping me with for my masters degree.

He still says I'm to blame and he is having a pity party that I brought him to this horrible country only to abuse him. But it's a step in the right direction.

Moral of the story is that we needed time apart. I couldn't function with him here. Has your H been diagnosed? Mine has not so that's a challenge to get him into any T. But if yours has, I strongly recommend you discuss TS. You need boundaries with his kids. I would say you need to work on him and you before you can bring his kids into it. Don't chase them. They are doubtless experts in manipulation and control of him. You can't compete with their lifetime of experience.

Work on YOU. As stated by others, find things separate from him. Get around people who can affirm your skills and talents. I have a good friend who started out as one of my voice and songwriting students. Her husband is a lot like yours with the raging and NPD. She has found solace in making music together. Learn to be a selective listener.

Also, I agree with the phone thing. It's not your intention that counts, only his perception. Choose your battles wisely. Set a phone boundary. Mine became thay I would not speak with him on the phone, only answer texts and I waited increasingly long periods to answer so that he got away from expecting an immediate answer. I was able to use my teaching as a reason. Find a reason. Have a quiet time or go to the library or join a Bible study... .anything that gives you a good reason to not answer him.

Excuse the long post. Just hang in there! You'll get to the other side a stronger and more whole person if you keep your focus. I'm speaking to myself here too!