How to set up and defend boundaries when we have accepted the unacceptable for m

[Isa_lala]

I write my post here even if my state of mind is more in the “leaving/detaching” board…

My BPD BF has treated me with bad words for more than 2 years. Even if I tried to set boundaries, bad words continue and won’t stop. These SMS hurt me and I really would like him to stop. I know that boundaries are for us and not for the BPD person. But how do you make someone stop doing something very hurting? What should I do? Is it too late after more than 2 years of receiving such SMS quite every week?

Thanks a lot

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

I think my boundry for that would be " I am not going to respond to sms with profanity". ( or whatever it is he is saying) and then you don't respond to any sms that has that in it. If he has a blow out of 500 cussing sms, he gets ignored until he is at least polite. If he is polite in one sms, respond. If he follows up with more nasty sms, ignore.

You have to be consistent once you lay this boundry down or your chance to shut it down right now will be walked all over.

my own thoughts. Sorry you are getting this stuff directed at you. 

[Isa_lala]

Thank you Daniel.

I do what you suggest but at the same time I feel like being silent is like accepting what is not acceptable.

Even if I don’t answer such SMS, they still hurt me… I feel then thorn apart

[MaroonLiquid]

Thank you Daniel.

I do what you suggest but at the same time I feel like being silent is like accepting what is not acceptable.

Even if I don’t answer such SMS, they still hurt me… I feel then thorn apart

Being silent doesn't mean you are accepting of their behavior.  When my wife tries to "stab" me with a comment or try to take whatever she is dealing with out on me, I immediately cut off communication.  If we are in person, I stay calm, validate if I can, and be quiet if I have to.  If I am able to, I leave and say we will talk about things when we are calm.  Protect yourself!

[Isa_lala]

I totally understand. But when you cannot take it anymore and you think that being silent is not enough anymore, is the break up the only solution?

[Daniell85]

Keeping in mind that the only person you control is you, for you is a breakup the only solution?

The alternatives are simple: silence to the attacks, openly fight back, or become manipulative.

Since you posted here, it seems you would like to stay in the relationship.

The realistic and healthy alternative for you is to figure out ways to defray the upset you are feeling. If you want to be ok and be in the relationship.

So then, how do you take care of yourself? Do you rest, eat well, exercise. Where is your social support system? What do you do? What are your own interests? Are you active in them?

[Isa_lala]

You have very good points Daniel. In fact, as mentioned in my first post, I am more in the “leaving/detaching” process than staying. I may have posted in the other board.

I am so fed up that I cannot take any BPD reaction anymore. One of my main value is respect. And I don’t feel respected at all in this relationship. It may be not the good one for me.

But, before I make the decision to stay or leave, I need to be able to deal with these bad words because they are driving me crazy!